Why am I doing all this?

As many of you have noticed, I haven't been posting very often lately. I've had every intention to, but my life has been a true rollercoaster ride lately. In many ways, I feel that I'm just along for the ride, having little control of things around me. Fortunately, things are finally starting to calm down (THANK YOU JESUS!) so I'm returning to a more normal schedule.

Throughout these trials and challenges, I've often had to take a time out and ask myself "Why am I doing all this?". Why am I so hell-bent on pursuing my education? Why am I more concerned with making a positive impact in the community than making six figures and livin large? Why do I often drop my quality time for the sake of keeping stability in my family? Why am I considered "the strong one" when I feel so helpless and lost at times? Why do folks in my family automatically assume I've got it together and can help them? Why does my life feel so segmented and segregated right now? Is it my fault that it's this way? Why can't I just say "screw you all", disregard my responsibilities, and live life completely for myself? Why do I feel like I'm living the life and responsibilities of a 40 year old at age 24?

These questions have constantly surfaced these past few months. When they surface, I pray and reflect on my past for answers.
Thinking about my past, and what I've had the pleasure (and displeasure) of experiencing in my short life, gives me the strength to move on and do big things. Here are a few of my motivating factors:

1. Finishing my undergraduate degree







I can honestly say that one of the most important days of my life was when I graduated from the University of California, Davis with my bachelor's in Exercise Science. I was the first of my lineage to walk across that stage, and believe me it was a STRUGGLE. In college is where I learned what being a responsible, honorable, and goal-oriented man is all about. Despite the struggles and trials I endured (and OHHWWEE i had quite a few), I'd never give a single day of my college experience back. I learned the true meaning of "digging deep". I am so much of a better person because of the life lessons college forced me to experience.





My graduation weekend (had 3 graduations) was so many things...the first time much of my family stepped foot on a university campus, the first time my entire family got to see where I spent 5 years of my life, the first time more than 10 black people congregated on the UC Davis campus and the police weren't called :) Above all else, it was a turning point. At that moment, I realized that I was CHOSEN to do great things. Having my ENTIRE immediate family and best of friends showing me the most absolute love solidified this for me. I have been blessed to do great things, and it is my duty to live up to my purpose. Too many people and too many circumstances are riding on my success to make me want to say "screw it all". Too many people have sacrificed time and energy, done without luxury, and struggled financially for me to half-ass my potential. I work my hardest not only for myself, but for the people who have worked their hardest to support my efforts.



2. I've seen and heard too much to want to settle for mediocrity.

Again, I've been blessed with so many experiences that have had a profound impact on how I think about things. Despite the fact I never have been "privileged" by our country's standards, I've had an opportunity to see the world, had a chance to connect and learn from some of the brilliant and influential minds of our age, and been exposed to so many positive, uplifting environments.




One of my dreams was realized at age 13 when I was selected as a student ambassador to Australia as a People to People Student Ambassador. Wanting to travel the world was a pretty bold statement for a young man of my means, but the fortune of being hand-picked for such a prestigious opportunity, coupled with the utmost support and encouragement of my parents (it took my parents 5 YEARS to pay for me go overseas, y'all), allowed my dream to become a reality.





That trip overseas did more for me than I could ever imagine. On the positive side, People to People allowed me the chance to see what's beyond our borders, establish an independence of my family at a very young age, and confirmed for me the importance of thinking big. On the not so positive side, People to People facilitated my first brush with blatant racial discrimination. Being the only chocolate boy in a delegation of fifty White and Asian kids, in a foreign country not accustomed to Black Americans, was a trip for real. It was all good though....i learned very early that challenges face Black kids who dare to dream and act big. We have the responsibility to bring our A game because some folks will automatically assume we don't belong. I've carried the lessons from that experience to this day, and I still conduct myself with that in mind.

While it has been great experiencing the good things, going through the not-so-good stuff has been important too. Dealing with the suicide of a close friend made me realize that life is a precious thing and is worth living. Watching my brothers and sister struggle because they made poor life decisions early in age keeps me focused on leading my life with integrity and purpose. Being unemployed for 6 months after I graduated (and quitting the first shitty job after a month) allowed me to see how expendable and unappreciated you will be unless you can make a worthwhile contribution to our society. Lastly, just growing up poor as hell, going to school being gainfully employed and still BROKE, and preparing to subject myself to 4-6 years as a BROKE ASS Ph.D. student has led me to believe that being broke SUCKS, and is NOT FOR ME. :)

3. I've been given the opportunity to do what many haven't.

When I think of #3, I think of my parents. I've said this before, but I TRULY LUCKED OUT with the parents I received. Many in my extended family didn't take to the whole "Raise the hell out of your kids" philosophy my parents did. My parents used all of their resources to ensure that my siblings and I had everything we needed, and just enough of what we wanted.

All of what I'm doing for my family now, in a way, is to show my appreciation for everything they've done for me. My parents have always supported me 100% in all my endeavors, and I didn't understand how rare that is for folks from my background until I hit my college years. Hearing the sob stories of so many people, especially Black men, living in single parent households, dealing with neglectful, abusive, and obsessively controlling parents, etc. etc. etc. And here I am, with parents that were willing to go broke and deny themselves the few luxuries they could afford to indulge my overachiever endeavors and provide support for an education they never had an opportunity to experience.

What kind of person would I be if I didn't do my very best to live up to my potential? Especially after so many people worked their asses just so I could have half a chance? It's my duty to ensure their efforts and hard work are not spent in vain.

4. I want to do big thangs!!!

I'm dead set on making my impact on this world. I've never been one to want to "blend in" and just "survive". ALL HELL NAW! Living is a beautiful thing, and I plan on doing just that. I wish for more than my parents had, so that I may provide my future family (pray for me!) with opportunities I never received. Trust, I ain't raisin' no spoiled brats, but I want to be able to provide my kids and partner with the best.

And let's not forget about me! I wouldn't mind driving a nice car like this one:




I want to travel the world, see all there is to see...be able to put some kid through college with a scholarship...own my own house and maybe a vacation home...see my name on something, whether it be a patent, a building, etc...leave a nice lil' legacy to my future generation. I can't do these things if I plan on being a scrub or half-assin'. I don't want to be a statistic, or a "ohh wow it's a damn shame, he had soo much potential" case. I want to inspire others to do the damn thang, so I must set the example by working my ass off and handling my business. It's that simple.

So yeah, when I start resenting my current position in life, I remind myself why I do what I do. Without fail, I re-gain my focus and draw enough strength to keep it movin.'

What keeps you motivated for success? I'd like to know.

-J

At Capacity, but doing alright

It's been a while since I last posted...life has been kicking my ass as of late, and unfortunately I've been forced to neglect my committment to blogging. I hope to be back in the game very soon (hopefully this weekend) with full-on posts and random streams of consciousness. But until then, I'll leave with a laundry list of things going on in my world....

1. Work is going great...for the most part. My personal training clients are all a pleasure to work with and very dedicated, so that makes my job easy. I'm having a lot of fun teaching my activities classes. It amazes me how LAZY folk can be in a PHYSICAL ACTIVITY CLASS, but the energy I receive from them when they ARE engaged almost makes up for it. My graduate assistantship is getting boring as hell, and I doubt if I will continue my contract for another semester. The interns that shadow me are cool as hell (and one is definitely easy on the eyes, lol), however that is not enough to keep me motivated to work at highest ability. I'm sure my prof will be pissed, but at this point all I care about is finishing this damn degree and going on to the next.

2. The UCLA internship is COOL AS A FAN, but I swear, this woman is trying to work me like a stripper on a pole! Everytime I go in, she has a new project or an article to review, or a demonstration to facilitate or somethin! I don't complain too hard though, because this sista works 5 times as hard as I do, does it with grace, and is SERIOUSLY hooking a brotha up both professionally and personally. I still love our chemistry, even though she's loves putting my ass to the test. Just last week, she helped me resolve a conflict I had with family....now how many academic mentors do you know would go there for their students? Hell, I'm not even one of her students! (well, at least not yet).

If anything, she is giving me the real deal on what it's going to be like as a doctoral student and true professional in Public Health. In the back of my head I know that and respect her for being real, but at the same time I feel a bit overwhelmed and 'remedial' at times. I need to stop comparing myself to her and the other Ph.D's...I'm still a scrub to the game and have much to learn. Damn my Type-A tendencies!



Wow, this is turning into a full-blown post, isn't it?!



3. I'm making it official... I'm happily involved with a wonderful young man! If y'all have been reading for a while, you know who it is. He is a fellow blogger, and a damn fine specimen of man :). Our circumstances are a bit complicated with him in Atlanta and me in L.A., but we are making the most of the situation. I never thought my first real, serious relationship would be a long distance thang....it is what it is. I'm very happy he's in my life, so relieved that he feels the same way, and excited to see what the future holds. FINALLY I connect with one of the "good" ones...well at least he's "good" for me.

I ain't gonna lie though, this separation is a bitch to deal with! It would be one thing if we had known each other super long before we became long distanced...we had only known each other very shortly before he left for ATL. One other tough pill to swallow is that I REALLY LIKE HIM, meaning I really enjoy his company and conversation. Not having that to look forward to everyday (or even every other day)is really tough for me. I'm naturally very touchy and tactile, so it means a lot to be able to feel, hear, touch, taste ;), and smell my man. I try to make up for it with frequent phone calls and texts, but I gotta cool it with the peak time calls...my cell phone bill is NO JOKE.

One factor that's really a challenge is the whole EYE CANDY FACTOR. I don't know what, why, or how the hell this is happening, but all of a sudden, now that I'm in a relationship, I start getting attention from dudes. On campus of all places!! Cal State Fullerton has about a 2.6% Black population which is only about 1/5 male (aka. between 100-150 black men out of 35,000 students) so the likelihood that I'd come across "family" is slim to none. Alas, the shit is going down! Guys from my past, a few random men on campus, even one of my damn students have tried to holla! Add to the equation my major being Kinesiology (movement, fitness, and nutrition), my office being next door to the Track & Field and Wrestling main offices, and one of my GA responsibilities involves conducting fitness assessments on all intercollegiate athletes (basically having to touch and pinch on ridiculously developed athletes). You'd think it would be a dream job...but for me, it's HELL.

This is why it's hell. While it's great to be in the midst of all that flesh and muscle and testosterone and homoeroticism, I can only look and not touch. To be honest, I don't even want to touch. I feel like with my man I'm on the verge of a relationship with long term potential, and I have no desire to jeopardize what we have. The trouble comes because being in my environment day in and day out has me thinkin' some pretty X-rated thangs. Me being a sexually expressive person doesn't help matters either. Not having the man of my affections here with me to buffer those thoughts, or even play a part in them :) really sucks. It's like riding on a crowded bus when you have guys in Hondas offering you a ride and you have your own Bentley 2,500 miles away. Sure, you can take a ride here in a Honda and probably get away with it, but you know that nothing will compare to the sheer driving pleasure of your Bentley when you have access to it. Until I can see my Bentley again, I will continue to ride the bus...groan. Hell, at least I can say I have a Bentley. Most guys would be happy with an unreliable Toyota, and I've been blessed with a finely tuned, well-maintained, chocolate brown luxury vehicle with PLENTY of horsepower, LOL.



Ok, I need to stop.



4. I'm sexually frustrated....nuff' said.



5. I love my family, but I feel myself getting sucked into the drama. It's enough having to deal with my father. He's still hurting really bad with Mom's Death, and I worry that he'll not take care of himself right if I don't stay in his face. Now, our family is facing a long-standing pain in our asses...the fate of my grandmother's house. My mother's dying wish was to make every attempt to save and rebuild the "House". She even invested $50,000 of her own credit to make this a reality. Now that she is gone, her equity credit line has been revoked, we have $25,000 in repairs still left in our construction contract, and my mother's siblings are acting triflin as hell when it comes to contributing FINANCIALLY to this cause. Basically all they are concerned with is getting a check written to them for the sale of the house. Now I would tell them both to kick rocks and die, but they own 2/3 of the house...so a brotha and his brothers find themselves between a rock and a hard place. Should we take the debt ourselves (if that's even possible) and finish the work? Should we just say screw it and sell the house as is (and lose about $100,000 for not investing $20,000), or should we just wash our hands of the whole thing and let the bank snatch the mortgage?

Part of me wants to be done with this whole ordeal and just sell the house. Another part of me wants to fulfill my mom's wish, hem up these triflin heifas with my razor (pull it OUT da backpack!) and get the work done. Another part of me, which is growing larger by the minute, wants to run like hell away from all these messy african americans, escape to Atlanta, and hide in my man's bed LOL.


As much as I don't want to deal with it, I must. I'm the "responsible" one, so I must set the tone for my family's actions once again. So much for being the spoiled baby of the family, huh?


5. I really need to learn how to be BRIEF :)


Ok I'm done now. Let me get back to this work before I fall even more behind.


HOLLA!!!!


-J

Overload???

I've been pacing for over 5 minutes, so I've decided to write to clear my head. I think it's crazy that only several weeks ago, I felt my life was somewhat boring and uneventful...but OHHHH BOY have things changed. At this point, I find myself with more to do in less time. I prayed for God to place big things in my life, and He is defintely delivering. I just hope I can match his pace.

I must have 100 different things flying through my head...reflecting on my first black gay pride experience( 2 thumbs up!), thinking about my mom, being there for dad, handling family business affairs, working on my thesis, teaching my classes, redecorating my room (the effort may kill me, but it's still gonna be FIRE!), handling my OWN finances, applying to PhD programs, staying in good terms with my personal training clients, keeping consistent with my OWN fitness, carving out time for friends and family, figuring out my direction with church (do I stay or do I go?), continuing to develop in spirit regardless of my church affiliation, and finally attempting to build a solid relationship to a beautiful and worthwhile man...some 2,000 miles away. Yeah, a brotha is busy.

The big question is....have I gone too far? I am notorious for over-extending myself so I'm worried. I will never be as bad as the last time, but I feel myself creeping toward that side if any more responsibility comes my way. One thing that establishes order is my schedule. In order to accomplish everything I need and want to, I am bound to a UNFORGIVING schedule. Every important thing that needs to be done, from eating breakfast in the morning to meditating or praying at night, goes into the schedule.

Now if I stick to the schedule, I'll get everything done... If I miss something or deviate from the schedule, I'm SCREWED. I consider it a blessing and a cursed...blessed that I've been given the resourcefulness to make a schedule, and cursed that my schedule sucks up 95% of my time in a day. What a trade off it is.

I can honestly say this is the busiest I've even been. But do I have a reason to complain? In spite of my hefty responsibilities, I am doing very well and much in my life is thriving. My academics couldn't be better, I'm now financially stabilized (i.e. a broke ass college student that now doesn't owe everybody money), I am considered a "highly competitive PhD candidate", my spirit is strong (but tired as HELL!), my friends haven't deserted me for neglect, and I am holding my own with this long distance situation.

NEXT TIME I NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHAT I PRAY FOR!!!! When God brings it, He don't play! I just hope I can stick with it and keep my wits and humor....nobody loves a bitter idiot :)


Sooo yeah, I'll bitch and moan from time to time, but I'm not stupid enough to whine too hard. I asked for it, and I got it! Now I just have to roll with it for as long as I can. *****SIGH*****

I'm out.

Quick lil' update

The new semester is now in full swing, and I find myself busier than ever. It's been a MINUTE since I last posted, so lemme do a quick one now, then get settled when time permits.

...I GOT MY LAPTOP!!! A Beautiful, shiny, 'sleek' Apple MacBook. I've always been a bit skeptical towards Macs, but now....I LOVE THEM!!!! They are SO easy to use, ready right out of the box, and this lil laptop is one bad MOFO! I can do everything I need to do without hassle, which is exactly what I was lookin for. Of course, I had to make my Apple collection complete with a 30 GB Ipod...I'm crossin' over the digital divide, y'all! WHAT! Thank you Darian, for encouraging me to go Apple. Now....how am I going to formally thank you???? hmm.... :)

...SCHOOL IS GOING TO KICK MY ASS. But I still love it. Classes will be manageable, but my teaching load has increased and my graduate advisor has lost his dayam mind and tried to up my GA hours. I had to break it down to him that I am not 100% right now, which means that I am putting a CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN on my free time. I'm not letting anyone infringe on my exercise time, lunch hour, or "Darian time". Unless these fools want to take a lunch meeting, pull up a pillow and a blanket for a nap, be my workout partner, or watch me call up or text my man, they can STEP OFF.

It's amazing how folks think you are being mean or standoffish when you demand that your free time remain YOUR FREE TIME. I think I just have my academic folks spoiled...i'm always Mr. Reliable. I guess I should expect folks to trip when you go from "sure i can do that!" to "ohh sorry, that's my nap time....SORRY!" LOL, I'm such a mess.


...THE CLOSET IS ALMOST EMPTY!. I came out to my Dad a few weeks ago. He tells me that he's fine with it, but I can tell that it will take him a while to grow comfortable with having a gay son. Especially one that he lives so closely among. My dad is not one to bite his tongue, and some of the questions he's asked me have been a MESS! My favorite: "What if some fine ass woman with a big ol' booty wanted to give you some? You wouldn't want none of that?!" TOO MUCH i tell you.

The next step is to come out to the church. I'm making baby steps, but I know now is the time to really see what the deal is. Pray for me.


...5 MORE DAYS TILL ATLANTA! I am beyond ready! I'm ready! I'M READY! I'm readyreadyreadyreadyreadyreadyready!

********Having a Spongebob moment**********

Ok, i'm cool. This will be my first real pride, black or otherwise. The events on the schedule should be super tight, I LOVE ATLANTA, the 'kids' will be in full effect, this is my first (and only) summer vacation trip, and I will FINALLY get to spend some extended QT with my man. It's all gonna be good! Oh yes, please believe!!

Okay, I gotta get some food and be off. More to come!

Introducing....Myself

When a deliciously sexy young man asks me to show myself off, 9 times out of 10 I'll oblige :). These pics were taken a little over a year ago. New photos are on the way, but until then, Enjoy!

One of my favorite pictures. That's my Thai Princess, Nan.


This is me with my longtime homie, Ms. Catherine Diaz-Soto
aka. "Crazy ass Cathy". Don't let the grin fool ya!


The thinking man's pose.



We havin' a Bay Area moment. GIT STOOPID! GO DUMB DUMB....


Some of my high school friends and I at Ken's going away party. DU-ROCK!!! 99!!!



Candid shot taken WITHOUT my permission!



Nan and I looking cute. See how I'm just in the picture as a prop? Sigh...i'm so exploited.


The tastiest looking reverse oreo you will ever see, LOL.



Another picture of some of the Du-Rock family. Notice the effects of the
Hurricanes have taken over Nan...messy messy messy :)


Now the Hurricanes have taken us all. The debauchery starts NOW.
I am rockin' such an alchie grin it's ridiculous.




AND FINALLY......




Even Helen's goodies on display couldn't keep me awake for
Chinese food at 2:30 am. Just not right.

More pics to come in the near future. One of these days I want to hire a professional photographer and get a portfolio done. I have no aspirations of modeling....i just think it'll be TIGHT. But when that time comes...ooohhheee! it's gonna be HOT!! Until then, the sexy stares will be shot elsewhere and the clothes will stay on. No goodie shots ova here!

Random Stream of Consciousness

A collection of my current thoughts:

...I'm soo excited about remodeling my room! It's about damn time I do something with it, and considering I'll be living at home longer than expected, a change is in order.

...My friends are the bomb, i swear. Just the mention of this remodel project prompted a random trip to Home Depot to select a paint color (it's gonna be HOT!), buy primer and spackle, and buy a new door for the bathroom. My girl Nan is even gonna hook me up with her furniture guy, who has some NICE stuff. There is no way i can afford his stuff (read: IKEA/garage sale budget), but with that lovely "Thai Discount", it's all good!

...Noah's Arc returns tonight!!!!! U KNOW! This premiere party is gonna be the bomb!

...this new workout plan is kickin' my ass! The physical therapy and weight training is coo, but the cardio is killin me. I can see why Black folks shy away from the pool...it's just not right! Oh how I wish I could just dance it all off like i used to!!! sigh....in due time.

....as much as I love it, Flickr is da DEVIL! I spent waaay too much time scanning and posting pictures last night.

...I go visit Mom's grave with Nan tomorrow. I will probably cry...A lot.

...i gotta think of something nice to do for the funeral home...they have been GREAT throughout all this.

...I unintentionally outed myself...AGAIN! This sunday at church is going to be VERY interesting...at least I'll know if Ritz and Rachel have big mouths or not.

...I think my dad wants to have "The Talk" again. I think he's ready for me to bring it up.

....My mentor just handed this to me. Please support this organization by checking out their website, and possibly making a donation. Be sure to watch the trailer.
www.standntruth.org

...Man, I'm blessed to be working with this woman. I love that we have so much in common, and that she is an open book. I feel I can ask her anything; professional, academic, or personal, and she'd give me a straight up answer. A hell of a mentor, I tell ya!

...As much as I love reading, reading journal articles and research proposals SUCKS!!! These people need to speak and write in simple talk, please! I did learn a few cool words though... don't the word "salient"(pronounced say-lee-ent) just sound hot?

...I need a good head rub, amongst other things :) Some people melt over foot massages, toe sucking, or receiving hickeys. I loves me a good head rub.

...I caught an episode of Bravo channel's new show, "Workout". I liked it! A couple of those trainers are a hot mess tho. Most of them know their ish though...i will say that.

...I miss kissing too. I hope I don't suck when I get an opportunity to kiss someone...i'm out of practice.

...3 more weeks till Atlanta! The anticipation builds! I hope Ted can square away that free room, cuz my pockets are still blazin from that plane ticket.

...Should I join this Singles Ministry at church? Will they want me to join after they know I date men? Why is who i date such a big damn deal to some folks?

...I need to bring back my nightly prayer and scripture reading sessions. I can square away 20 minutes at the end of my day for the Lord...that's not too much to ask.

...I love to party, but promoting events is BOO HISS. Why did I agree to be the "Social Chair" amongst my internship and institute cohorts?

...but my efforts have paid off! Saturday night, it's going down MTPCCR style!!

...and what the hell kind of word is 'cohort'? Sounds like a linguistics person was smokin' that stuff and decided to make up his own word for the hell of it. Cohort....psssh.

...My brother apologized for being rude about the phone bill. I'm glad he did cuz I was about to get really Scorpio on his azz.

...I talked to my brother Darren for like an hour as I drove to work. I'm happy for his success in Arizona, but I wish he was here in CA.

...I've completed my schedule for the Fall semester. GAG. My graduate advisor about halfway lost his damn mind when I cut my GA hours in half. I was gonna quit altogether, but that would'nt be fair to him or the participants. Why I gotta be so damn nice all the time?! Oh well.

...I need to find that African vendor from LA pride who had those nice bedroom pieces....i'm tryin to have my room lookin TIGHT!

...If financial aid gets my money wrong this time, my razor is comin' out the backpack. I will cut a bitch over money that's already mine, please believe!

...It's 2:00...my stomach wants food. I'mma go handle that.

-J.

A Great Day!

(Me acting a fool on a good day several years ago)

I had a great day on Monday. I wasn't expecting any fireworks, dramatics or anything....but I got some!

The goodness started at work. After nearly losing my life to the Mercedescized, crackheaded drivers of Westwood, I arrived at UCLA to begin a day of final planning for the project I'm currently working on. Before I could start work, I had to go to a follow-up appointment with an eye doctor. The doctor recommended I start wearing corrective lenses for one eye, but other than that my tests came back normal. Whew.

I arrived in the office a few hours later, to find my supervisor waiting for me. My internship supervisor is also my future doctorate mentor, so she and I are mad cool with each other. We had a progress meeting, and she gave me MAD PROPS on my work!! WOOHHOOO! I'm confident in my abilities, but it's always nice to receive confirmation of your skills from an external source. The exercise program I've been working on is being well received by everybody she has introduced it to, and we have received requests ALREADY for copies of the program.

Not only did she give my progress a thumbs up, she informed me that we would be receiving a Minority Supplement salary that would allow me to continue working on the project during the school year AND get paid nicely for it. I swear my giddy ass skipped a few times on the way to lunch.

After a nice, trainer-friendly meal of Thai food, I went back to work to finish the day. I ran into one of the PhD students I'll be working with, and she gave me some great advice about the application process. I'm so relieved that students in this program are collaborative in demeanor and not vicious or ultra-competitive.

Work went by quickly, and I couldn't have been happier. I was being productive, in good spirits, and ready to get my workout on. After work, I went straight to the gym on campus. Before stepping in, I made a call to a "friend" of mine to solidify our plans for the night.

I've known of this gentleman for a handful of weeks. I unknowingly crossed paths with him very recently, and decided to get a little bold and ask him out. He said yes, and I once again was giddy as a schoolboy :) Dude was looking real good in person and on paper, and I looked forward to learning what he was all about.




After a decent workout (gym was too crowded, and the gymroom ettiquette of college-aged men is HORRIBLE....grrrr), I set out to meet my guy. We met on the street in front of his job, and my first thought was hmm...good looking guy. Head up, shoulders back, approached me with confidence, nice smile...so far so good. We headed to a restaurant nearby to get better acquainted.

I believe our time together went very well. At first I could tell we were both a little nervous, but I quickly pushed that aside. I had been wanting to meet this guy for some weeks and now was my chance, so feeling anxious was not an option. As we both settled into each other, the conversation became much easier and more natural. Over the course of our 2 hours, I found him to be intelligent, articulate, passion-driven, spiritually centered, and an overall friendly guy. Physically, I was happy with what I saw. I only wish he didn't hide that smile. It was beautiful gleaming against his chocolate skin. Very nice.

Once I got really comfortable, the flirtations started...I tried to behave, but I have trouble doing that when I'm feeling someone on several levels. He seemed to like it, so it was all good :)

After dinner, we walked around a little bit. I wanted to spend more time with him, but I had to be up SUPER early the next morning. After a pass around the block, we proceeded to the parking lots to retrieve our cars and call it a night. While in his car, I decided to tell him how I really felt about him. I thought, what the hell, why not? We ended the night on a good note, and promised to connect really soon. Needless to say that by the end of the night, I was in a very good place.

I hope I get a chance to know this guy. Over the past year I've been disappointed over and over with the men I've dated. I'd been selling myself short. I consider myself a man of high quality, and I deserve to be connected to other men of high quality. I knew that they were out there, and this guy proves it. With that in mind, I'm very excited about what the future has in store for me.

In terms of the men I choose to associate with romantically, I'm hitting a turning point. This selling oneself short shit is for DA BIRDS, and I'm through with it. If anything, this new guy has shown me that with patience and a little assertiveness, finding a decent guy is very much a possibility. I'll leave the hot messes for the next guy. Once you've driven a Jaguar, it's hard to go back to a Yugo...believe that.

So yeah, a great day on Tuesday! A little bit of drama popped off in the midst of it all, but I'll save that for later. Off to work!

-J

Being the Rock...a blessing and a pain

It's funny...I never thought, at 24, I'd be in a position of leadership in my family. Don't get me wrong, I knew the responsibility was coming...but not this soon. I expected a little bit of time, at least my 20's, to be able to spend being self-centered with my time and energy. I guess that's not the plan God had for me. Whomever made the expression about the youngest of the family being the 'baby' and the 'spoiled one' is a DAMN LIE! Hell, spoil me with attention and free me from obligation...I wouldn't mind one bit! But hey, we all have our roles in life, and I guess this is mine...that of the "Rock" of the family.

Before my mom passed, my role was much easier to handle. She was the matriarch, CFO and pretty much the H.N.I.C. My dad was the keeper of the house, protector, and counselor. I was the 'Pacifist'. My job was basically to keep peace and balance in the family...keep my parents from burning out, set a good example for the nieces and nephews, handle disputes and drama between and with the siblings, and serve as the "master brain" when the circumstances required. I liked my 'job' and was good at it. And folks in my family became accustomed to me in that role.

NOW, I find myself having to step up and assume many of the responsibilities Mom held. It's a big job, but somebody has to do it. Hell, I was handpicked by the H.N.I.C. personally so I don't have much of an option :).

I'm not even gonna lie...this shit is TOUGH! I give props to all the 'Rocks', 'Patriarchs', 'Matriarchs', and 'Big Mammas' out there because DAMN, you all are amazing. My father and I met with a financial advisor to get our house in order, and we spend over 2 HOURS just scratching the surface of trying to figure out how my mother handled the money and actually finding all of her assets, liabilities, and expenses of the house. After that meeting, I was like "crap....what am I getting myself into?". I'm not fretting though...our financial advisor is very talented, patient, and willing to teach me how to keep everything under control with efficiency. A true blessing indeed.

Shit gets even tougher when it comes to dealing with family....OOOH LAWD HOW DID I NOT KNOW FOLKS COULD BE SO TRIFLIN AND SHADY!!! I can't BELIEVE some of the craziness and hot mess some of my family brings to the table. I don't see how my mom was able to deal with these fools without turning into an evil spiteful biotch or RUNNING LIKE HELL. She was definitely a bulldog, and now I see why...you would have to be to filter through the straight up BULLSHIT that some people are working on. I could get into examples, but I'm not trying to win any awards with this and I don't feel the need to be even more long winded :).

Another interesting shift in our family's dynamics is occuring. I find myself as less of a 'Pacifist' and more of a 'Regulator'. Folks are NOT taking too kindly to this. So far, I've had to regulate on just about all of my brothers, my sister, three of my cousins, my crazy ass aunt (sweet jeezus help her), my former sister in-law, and even my father for not having their shit together or living up to their promises. I get the feeling they are shocked by my change in demeanor, and a little put off by being 'read' by somebody younger than them. I still communicate with tact, but lately i've been all about the business, my tolerance for bullshit being EXTREMELY LOW. Some folks don't quite understand why I gotta be like that... and they are taking it very personally.

For example...i get a letter in the mail from Cingle-Bar Wireless :). Turns out my brother has a past due balance, and has racked up over 550 minutes in overages, making the bill a grand total of about $650.00. Keep in mind that his cell phone is in my mother's name because his credit is so jacked up. His lack of consideration and discipline has become OUR financial responsibility. I call him up to inform him of the bill. He gets defensive and starts rattling off these excuses as to why he over-called. I listen for a minute, interrupt and say "That's great D, but is that my problem? The problem is that you didn't pay your bill and got sloppy with your minutes. How are we going to fix this?" He suggests that I pay the bill for him cuz' he's 'a lil' short this month'. I responded with a 'HELL TO THE NAW!' and proposed that he allow Cingular to disconnect the phone, get the account changed to his name, pay his own damn bill in whatever way he chooses, and opt for a pre-paid Boost Mobile if he needs a phone. Well...he proceeded to attempt ripping me a new one for "telling him what to do" and "getting in his business". I'm thinking...WTF! If you would have done what you were supposed to (aka. pay your bills and get off the damn phone) I wouldn't have to read your 35-year old grown ass!

I wish my folks understood that in order for me to take on these added responsibilities, my time must be used as efficiently as possible. I'm attempting to juggle school, work, the house, and my own personal affairs all at the same time...I don't have the time or the energy to deal with stupid ish or unneccesary crap. If I come off as a prick, it's because I feel irritated that you arent doing your portion of the work and are forcing me to work harder. I'm sorry if being like that isn't "like me"...but it's the only way I know how to get your attention. Times have changed, all of our roles have shifted, and it is up to ALL OF US to mobilize and keep this family functioning. And don't be so friggin' sensitive when I bring something up! I'm not being a bitch on purpose, so stop making me out to be the asshole.

UGH....responsibility. A blessing, AND a pain in my ass. Pray for my strength and sanity, y'all.
And while you're at it, pray for a brotha to get some lovin' too. I ain't had much of anything in that department in a minute, and a brotha is feeling the withdrawals :) Maybe getting some action and affection would have me chill the f**k out....sigh...only time well tell.

Out.

Love...In and Out of Time

April 29, 1978

It has been now 19 days since my mother left our world. I can't put into words what I feel right now...hopefully I will be able to articulate it sometime soon, and I will of course share it here. Of all the difficult circumstances in my atmosphere, the hardest to deal with is consoling my father. He and I are the only ones living in our family's house right now, so I spend the most time with him. He has just lost his best friend, wife, and soulmate of 33 years. Obviously, he is beside himself with grief. As much as I try to ease his pain, I know that nothing I do or say can get to the heart of his grief.My dad trying to act like he's in charge :)

Momma lookin' all kinds of fly

He and I have talked a lot about her recently, and I'm learning more and more about their relationship. He floored me the other day when he told me about how his life was a wreck and he was on his way to either jail or the morgue when they first met. My own heart about broke when he told me:

"Son, meeting and marrying your mother saved my life. God blessed me 100 times over by giving me the pleasure of spending the finest years of my life with that woman. So much of my life was her, and now she's gone. I don't know how I will go on...a big part of me died with her."

Family fun at Disneyland

I thought I knew what he was talking about, but I had no idea of the magnitude of his words until I sat down and thought about them. Then, yesterday morning, I was exposed to a movie that connected a lot of those words for me, and I was a crying mess for at least an hour.

Taken right before an anniversary "night out"

I was watching "Madea's Family Reunion", the movie version. While I love Tyler Perry productions for their comedy and affirming messages of blackness, for some reason this movie really hit home for me. Two scenes in particular really made an impact: the reunion scene, and the wedding scenes. When Cicely Tyson got up there and started preaching to her family about the responsibility of honoring and maintaining their heritage, I immediately thought of my mother. In many ways, she adopted that role in our family. Everybody looked to her as the glue that held our often fragmented family together. And then, when Dr. Angelou delivered that amazing poem, I was THROUGH. I thought....oh my god, THAT is what my dad was saying to me. That was the kind of love and adoration they shared. Here's the poem:

In and Out of Time by Maya Angelou

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

A very common scene at my house

My parents did indeed love each other, in and out of time. For 33 years, they worked as a unit.

Although they could put on the gloves and go 12 rounds, I've never seen them mad at each other for longer than a day. I think the longest time they were ever apart was the 4 days my mom left to visit family in Louisiana. When my brothers and I were growing up, we couldn't play one of them off the other to get what we wanted, because they backed each other up (damnit!). Every birthday, Valentine's Day, anniversary, and Mother's/Father's Day was like seeing two teenagers in puppy love (hell, I was conceived on a Valentine's Day, to give you an idea :)). I love how they were open about their relationship. Every aspect of it was honest and real. When they were all lovey dovey, you could see (and sometimes hear) it. When they were fighting, everybody in the damn neighborhood knew it. If one of them was in pain or suffering, they shared about it openly. I've only seen them divided twice, and both times it concerned my half brother Darnell. Even in those situations, they quickly resolved their issues and reinforced their bond.
Mom and Dad with my half-brother Darnell

Even through the bad stuff, they remained united. When my dad lost his father and best friend in the span of 3 weeks, my mom was at his side. When my mom screwed up and ended up getting the household in huge credit debt, my dad didn't drag her through the mud for it...he stuck his finger at her, said a few choice words, and went down to the bank and signed for a 2nd mortgage right along with her, no questions asked. After my mom had her first mastectomy and began questioning her beauty and femininity, my dad was right there to tell her how desirable and beautiful she was. During the second mastectomy, the one she never truly recovered from, my dad was right there, through all the follow ups, nurses visits, and tears my mother shed over losing her breasts. When Dad had his ankle fusion, Mom would damn near beat his ass for trying to walk around on it. Of course, it was out of love :). And then, on March 30th, when we found out the cancer had returned, metastacized, and was terminal, he supported her 24-7. Four separate emergency room visits, over 3 weeks in the hospital, trips to the pharmacy for pain and cancer meds, caring for her every need in between the hospital stays, cooking meals, helping her bathe, bathing her when she wasn't strong enough, making her laugh despite the pain and fear of facing death...my dad did it all. In fact, my parents slept in the same bed from the day they moved in together all the way up to my mother's last 3 days, when she was moved to my brother's vacant room and placed in a hospital bed. I'm telling you, if that ain't love, I don't know what is.

Another night out on the town.

Yeah, my mother and father shared the kind of love that few people get to experience. They were in many ways polar opposites, but together they formed a powerful union. Through love, work, patience, faith, and truth, they provided a wonderful example of how a relationship and marriage should function.

Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time dealing with some of these men out here? I've learned, through example, to love hard. To seek out a person's soul first, see what's there, determine if it's consistent with what's in my heart and mind, and attempt to build (slowly) a substancial relationship. I can't do the whole "let's be fuck buddies first and then see if we have a connection" thing because that's not what I got at home. Don't get it twisted, my parents were by NO means asexual (see my 2nd post); however, they weren't all out sexing it up without being committed and monogamous. Their marriage was anything but superficial, so I have trouble being superficial in my love and sex life.

I hope and pray that I can get the honor of finding someone I can love as much as my parents loved each other. Because, to be honest, I doubt I could settle for anything less.

My Stress reliever, from Rashid's Page.

It's super late now and I can't sleep...my mother's funeral service is tomorrow and I'm delivering her eulogy. Needless to say I'm on pins and needles from the stress of this week's events, her death, and having to speak publically about such a personal matter. I made a deal with myself...after I finish this, I'll go to bed. I'll definitely be posting about what happened these past 2 weeks, but for now I'll do this real quick and get some zzz's. Here goes...

the Gay Man's Survey
Welcome to the first ever gay male oriented MySpace Quiz!!!

Get ready, get set...answer, copy, paste and repost!!!

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1. What is the first thing you notice about the same sex?
Overall appearance, how he walks, facial expressions (happy, sad, sexy, disgruntled)

2. Which male celebrity would you want as a love slave?
As a love slave?....let's see...i would say Brian White or Taye Diggs but they'd prolly flip the script back onto me! Djimon Housou would be fun :)

3. Gift card winner at work!...which store do you reach for?
Amazon.com, or any sporting goods store.

4. Admit it, are you a size queen?

Hell no! I'm no fan of "modest" endowments, but I can't do anything with a Magnum XXXXLLL but look at it in shock.

5. What store do you base your fashion sense on?
Whatever looks good. I love Sean John, but Puffy can hurt a brotha's pocket. I'm gravitating more toward natural fabrics and linens, though.

6. If you could improve gay pride, what would you improve?
I'd have the focus be on community development through workshops and fairs, and spend less time and cash hyping up the parties. The parties will always be there, but the chance to congregate a mass of SGL family for a positive cause could be very powerful.

7. Have you marched in a gay pride parade?
Nope, never really been to a parade...in ATL, it's ON!

8. Honestly, how many times do you go to the gym?
Everyday usually. If i'm not working out myself, i'm training clients or running classes.

9. Honestly, how many nights do you go out with the boys?
Usually just once a week, if nothing else gets in the way. I need more social time.

10. How long was your last relationship?
Umm....my high school crush and I were together for about a year, but that's the extent of my relationships. Everything else has fizzled before a "relationship" could develop.

11. What would you do the moment gay marriage is approved by voters?
Smile, say a prayer of thanks, and encourage my partnered gay friends to do the do. I'm not quite there yet.

13. Where would you want to have your gay wedding?
Either amongst family and friends in Pasadena (hometown), or somewhere on the African Coast.

14. Who do you want to be there?
Everybody who supports my marriage and will buy a good gift :)

15. What kind of food/ who would cater your gay wedding ?
Depends on my man. If he's African American, soul food will predominate. If he's multiethnic or (gasp!) a different race, we will have a lil' of his culture in the mix.

16. Who is your diva?
I don't really have one. I like Janet, and Halle Berry...are they divas?

17. Which type of gay man do you avoid?
Unneccessarily bitter gay men are the worse. I also steer clear of the hopelessly DL guys...can't be associated with infidelity.

18. What qualities do you look for in a man?
HUMOR, a positive outlook on life, ambition, definite sex appeal, spiritual grounding, and easy to engage in conversation. Being able to break me off on a dance floor or having a voice are definite bonuses :)

19. What exotic gay locale would you travel to?
gay locale? I guess Rio de Janeiro, but it's not exclusively gay.

20. What song are you tired of hearing?
BEYONCE'S "DE JA VU". err time i hear it i want to say SWITCH!

21. Which club/bar in your gay neighborhood do you wish would just close down because its so tired?
I would shut down half of the sorry ass gay establishments down Santa Monica that treat black men like shit. I have no tolerance for racist queens, they gotta go!

22. Admit it, have you gone thru a vegetarian/vegan phase?
LOL, that is hilarious. My family is from da' South...we eats our meats. I do it lean and mean though.

23. Which restaurant/type of restaurant would you take a date?
Anyplace we can eat with freedom and can talk uninterrupted.

24. How much can you bench?
Stopped checking. It's worthless to know unless your workout goals are increasing brute strength.

25. What one part of the male anatomy always get your attention?
Backs, booty, and calves. If they are nice in all those areas, its guaranteed they will have a nice overall package.

26. Whole Foods or Bristol Farms??
Whole Foods

27. Do you donate clothes you dont use anymore?
Absolutamente. I was once a goodwill kid, so I always give back.

28. What do you think of Paris Hilton's new singing career?
BOO TO DA HISS! Why you gotta get my pressure up with this mess? Please!

29. Did you know Godiva Chocolates contain preservatives?
umm no....i should know though.

30. What would you rather watch, hot boys laying out, hot boys playing volleyball or hot boys washing cars?
Tie between volleyball and cars. I love volleyball, and I think water and 'wet' is soo damn sexy.

31. Do you go return to work late from your 10 minute break?
usually. I don't punch a clock, so I ain't trippin.

32. Where do you want to have your dream house?
My dream house is my grandmother's house, so Pasadena, California. I hope that I can one day have the honor of owning that beautiful home and keeping it in family.

33. Whats your favorite cologne?
Cool Water, but this Acqua Di Gio is starting to grow on me

34. Whats your favorite cologne on him?
I'm versatile. Something fresh and natural, like Escape or vanilla oil.

35. Have you worn red to a gay day at an amusement park?
never been to a gay amusement park day.

36. What are your favorite TV shows?
Noah's Arc, So you think you can dance?, Gray's Anatomy, That's So Raven (i know....)

37. Admit it, which TV DVD collection do you own?
Roots, and i will own Noah's Arc in a few days :)

39. Admit it, did you ever have a sugar daddy?
Naw dawg. I've dated a few older men, but they weren't ballin' out or anything.

40. What is the drink you always order at the club/bar?
Long Island Iced Tea, or an Adios Mutha****a

41. Finish the sentence...when I go to a house party, I avoid....
getting stuck in a corner, especially if the party is hella packed...nothing worse than being wedged in a corner when everybody else is getting their groove on.

42. What embarassing moment are you constantly reminded of?
I wore a helmet the first time I went horseback riding, and I looked quite "special". I didn't care tho, i didn't trust those shifty-eyed horses.

43. What does your last text message say?
"I keep thinking about you....can I come over?" No i'm lying....sigh...

44. Admit it, which fast food restaurant lures you each and every time?

In-N-Out. I try to stay away from everything else.

45. Your date just scored tickets...which singer/performer do you hope they are?
Jill Scott! That woman's presence and talent can make me melt.

46. Admit it, do you lie about your age?
nope, i like being 24.

47. What is your favorite sex position?
none of your dayam bidness sucka!

48. What movie, in theatres right now, would you take a date?
X-Men, but that's not new.

49. What movie, in theatres now, would you NOT take a date?
Little Man....all I can say is BOOOOOOOO!!!!!

50. You're the tour guide...where would you take an out-of-towner who is unfamiliar with your city?
We'd do the Hollywood/West Hollywood/Beverly Hills deal because EVERYBODY wants to see that. Next, we'd go get some good food, check out the Getty Center, and then maybe hit up either Circus, Catch One, or Pearl if we wanna shake it up.

*Redo and Repost as 'the Gay Man's Survey'*

Spreading some Father's Day Love

Of all the observation holidays (Valentine's, Mothers Day, etc.), Father's Day has always been one of my favorites. At this point in the year, the sun is shining, vacations are abundant, school years are coming to a close, and people are graduating from school and transitioning into their future plans. What a perfect backdrop to officially honor the men in our lives responsible for raising us into the people we are today. Yes, today is Father's Day, a day where I have an excuse to love on my dad and let the world know how much I honor, appreciate, and am indebted to my father.

When it comes to parents, I lucked out. This is especially true when it comes to my Dad. One thing I love about my father is that he made the choice to be a FATHER and not a baby's daddy. You see, before my mother and father met, my Dad led a turbulent life. Drug addiction, alcohol abuse, a failed marriage and custody battle, and a penchant for violent behavior ruled my father's life. When my mother came into the picture and they became comfortable, she gave him an ultimatum...change your ways and commit to me, or take a walk. My Dad dropped ALL of his destructive ways to be with my mom and build a family.

Not only did he take on the task of being a honorable husband, he also filled the shoes of fatherhood for my brother, Darnell. Darnell was born during my mother's first marriage. She was left high and dry by Darnell's father when he found out she was pregnant. Darnell was 5 years old when my mom and dad became an item, and he gave my Dad HELL. This lil' boy was filled with so much hurt and anger from being abandoned that he took all of it out on my Dad. And how did my Dad handle my brother's abuse? Like a man! He refused to take any shit off a little boy and did his best to be a father figure to Darnell. Of course Darnell wasn't having it and acted accordingly, but my Dad didn't care. He made a commitment, and stuck to it. Throughout the years the relationship between Darnell and Dad has been rocky, but recently they have reconciled. Darnell is now married to a woman who had a young son when they met, so he now understands how much hell it is to raise somebody else's kid. Isn't karma a bitch? So yeah, they are on good terms now. Instead of blaming my Dad for his issues, Darnell now thanks him for doing what was damn near impossible...raising a young man mad at the world and looking for a victim. Gangster, i tell you. Pure gangster.

Now when it came to raising us, this man deserves the Medal of Honor. Shortly after giving birth to me (the last child), my mother decided that she was DONE with being a stay at home mom. So, when I was all of 3 months old, my brother Shaun just shy of 1 year old, and my next brother in age (Darren) was 6 years old, my mom went back to work full time and left the child rearing up to Pops. From the crack of dawn until 4pm, my father was Mr. Mom with 2 infants and a kindergartner. He did what most guys his age and generation would have run like hell from....he sucked it up, man-ed up, and raised the hell out of us. We'd be traveling on the bus every day, 2 babies in a double stroller, baby bag, and all. He would cook us breakfast and lunch every day until we started going to school. I remember hitting up parks, going to visit his crazy ass friends in the "Jungle" projects of Los Angeles, and making trips to the beach and other cool places as a youngster with my Dad.

When I was enrolled in a Christian pre-school and was suspected of giving all the other (white) kids head lice, my dad was the one who said "AWW HELL TO THE NAW" and paid his own money to place me in the newly formed Head Start Program at our local elementary school.

When Darren began having problems at school with bullies and Darnell started rollin with the local gang members, my dad spearheaded the decision to get our family the hell out of the Crenshaw District of L.A. and into to a much nicer and safer community.

In many ways, my dad has served a very untraditional role in my life. Although he is very much a man's man and a provider, he has always been a nurturer. Whenever I would fall and bust my head, felt scared, or got into a fight, Dad was the first person I'd call for. If I needed advice or a stiff kick in the ass, my dad was more than willing to give it. Much of the emotional health and maturity I have now is due to my father's example. My father always told us, his sons, to never be afraid to show our emotions. I've seen my dad enraged, upset, sad, depressed, in mourning, happy, afraid, excited, and not once has he ever apologized for any open expression of those feelings. I don't know of many other guys that have seen their dad cry his eyes out and still believe that he is the biggest man in the world. That's how I feel about my Dad.

Although all of my brothers and sister have a solid relationship with my father, my Dad and I share a very strong bond. With him, I can talk freely about anything without fear of reprimand or judging (well, as long as I don't disrespect him...then I'd risk an ass-whoopin :)). He's always been my #1 fan, with mom following behind in a very close second. My dad was never gifted in the academic sense, but he never was intimidated or put off by my academic excellence. In fact, he has supported me 100% in all of my endeavors. All I've had to do was tell him i was serious about doing something, and he was there every step of the way. Sure, he was probably trying to live vicariously through me, but i didn't care. It was (and still is) an honor to know that I am making my father proud.

Oh man, I could go on and on about how much my Dad has reflected my life, but I'll keep it somewhat short. My dad is by no means perfect (and in some ways is a HOT ASS MESS), but I couldn't imagine having a better father. I praise God every chance I get for blessing me with a mother and father dedicated to the success of their children. My father and I still have one big issue to discuss (my sexuality), but I am confident that I will not lose him over it. In many ways, I feel he already knows and is just waiting for me to talk to him about it. In any case, i'm faithful that our relationship will remain intact and I will still honor him as much as I do now.

To my Dad, Mr. Mack Quinn Hopkins, Jr......


HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!


I LOVE YOU POPS!!!


-dancehard

I LOVE FREE MONEY!!!!

I'm tellin you, i wish I could extend the fortune I've been receiving in my educational pursuits to other parts of my life. This past week, I received notice that I was chosen as a California Pre-Doctoral Scholar, AND I won the California Graduate Student Equity Fellowship Award!! I damn near fainted when both of those bad boys ended up in the mail on the same day. U KNOW!

The Pre-Doctoral Award includes a $5000 fund for pre-doctoral development (paying for conferences, visits to prospective doctorate programs, organizational memberships, technology, etc.), a free GRE prep course (which I will be using the hell out of considering my first crack at the GRE was BOO-HISS!), and "generous" funding for a summer internship of my choice on one of the University of California campuses. How tight is that?

The Student Equity Fellowship is basically a $3000 award that I can apply to my financial aid. So $3000 less dollars I'll owe Uncle Sam's greedy ass :).

So yeah, if I wasn't motivated before to do big things in the future, i'm definitely motivated now! All you undergrad and grad students out there that are reading....KNOW YOUR RESOURCES!!! The only reason I knew about these scholarships is because I dug for information, and made friends with the right people. The money and support is out there, it's just up to YOU to find it and hustle for it! Make good friends in financial aid and the career center. HOUND your academic departments about scholarships notices. And if you happen to be a 'minority student', your ass BETTER be involved in McNair's Scholars, MESA, Upward Bound, and/ or EOP...these programs are fighting to stay ahead of budget cuts to provide YOU with free money and resources. RECOGNIZE PLEASE!

...sorry if i got on my soapbox a lil' bit. I'm just so passionate about people taking advanatage of free resources, be it scholarships, summer research programs, internships, mentoring, tutoring, even job placement. I suffered tremendously throughout my undergraduate years because I either didn't know this free stuff existed, or I got lazy and didn't apply. Life would have been a WHOLE lot easier if I had been up on game and got my hustle on.

In addition to that mess on my part, as a member and officer of National Society of Black Engineers (who's house??????SIX HOUSE!!!), we had to fight for years just to maintain funding for our umbrella organization, Minority Engineering Program (MEP). A program that, on our campus, was responsible for providing direct support and resources to about 87% of the minority engineering, physical science, and biological science students, producing over 50 minority Ph.D. earners, a couple of Fulbright scholars, and one Black Engineer of the Year winner (GO 'HEAD CHADWICK!!!). After several rallies, too many petitions, and a mass stand-in at the Dean of Engineering's office, the university got hella shady and axed the funding for our program director and support staff, effectively killing MEP and leaving our Black and Latino students to fend for themselves on a unwelcoming campus of 33,000 students. Without a program like MEP, the GPA's and performance of minority students dropped so dramatically that the university reestablished funding for MEP in an effort to save face and negative statistics.

So, long story short, use what you have in front you my people. It's absolutely ridiculous to work so hard when you don't have to, and you never know how long a resource may be available to you.

****stepping off my soapbox****

I'll keep posting about my scholarship decisions as they come in the mail. Here's the tally so far.....

Show me the money! (YES): 4
Hell to the naw! (NO): 7
Still awaiting response: 6

I'm gonna toss up a few thank ya Jesus'es because I sure as hell don't want to run up another $17,000 in loans next year. And that's my word.

HOLLA!!!

Things are looking up

After the drama of Monday, I've been eager for some good news. Well, I got some. Mom is home from the hospital. Usually, she is very weak after a stay in the hell-hole, but this time she seems to have some pep in her step. Her oncologist gave us some comforting news...the cancer cells they have been monitoring have not grown since she was rediagnosed back in March. It seems the chemotherapy is stabilizing the cancer, which is good news. She is still dealing with some nasty side effects from the therapy, along with the fluid buildup, but we'll take any good news we can get. She's gained 5 lbs, and the doctors have lowered her morphine dosage. That says a lot, considering how DRUG-HAPPY Kaiser Permanente has become lately (I'll save my rant on Kaiser for another blog.....it's deep y'all). All the medical stuff aside, i'm just glad to have my momma back home. Although she can work my last nerve at the drop of a hat, I'd rather have her here in her own house than in some impersonal hospital room hooked up to machines. So YAY, mom is back home!

To add to the good news, I think I've stumbled across a cool lil' social group for gay/bi black men and straight allies in LA. It's called "In the Meantime". On Tuesday I attended one of their weekly discussion groups at Catch One, a popular black gay joint here in La La Land. The topic of the night was "The Impact of the Ballroom Scene on the Black Community".

The organizers of this week's discussion flew in an old school member of the New York ballroom scene. I walked away from his colorful account on ballrooms with an sense of appreciation for all the creativity, strength, and love that goes into this ballroom culture. The old school head had his protege up there speaking, and whooeee he was FIRE. He did more than rile up my social consciousness, lemme tell ya :) Anyways, it was very nice to spend an evening meeting other brothas in the life without the shade and bullshit of being in a clubbing environment. I had the pleasure of meeting Herndon Davis, TV Host and author of "Black, Gay, and Christian", along with other upwardly mobile, culturally aware brothers. "In the Meantime" is definitely my scene, and I'll be attending another meeting.

So yeah, things are looking up. Tonight I got to see two of my nephews and my baby niece. I swear, my brother and his estranged wife are both crazy as hell and so not good for each other, but they produced some BEAUTIFUL children. I usually don't get all gushy over children, but my nephs and nieces are so TIGHT! Little Vincent is starting to hit puberty, which is ridiculously amusing...Junior is five and has just learned how to krump dance...such a HAM...and the little one, Miss Jaleya aka. Lay-Lay, just turned 1 yr and is already a DIVA. So funny, the antics of this lil' girl. Ahhhhh, family.

Ok, time for bed and prayers. HOLLA!

-J.

What a mindfuck.

Today was for lack of a better term...a mindfuck. I spent most of the day at the hospital being strong for my dad and spending quality time with my mom while she is in that medical hellhole. You see, my mother has cancer. First diagnosed as a breast cancer in 1994, it has grown and festered in her body despite two mastectomies and several rounds of chemotherapy. As much as I cry and pray that her doctors will say 'remission' again, I have a feeling in my soul that this is the final round of a 12 year battle.

At this point, it has spread to several vital organs and is being a stubborn little bitch...not responding to any of the therapy they throw at it. After having to take my mother to the emergency room for the 3rd time in a month, she has been readmitted. While preparing to clear the fluid from her lungs (once again), they discovered one of her lungs had collapsed. After a mini-emergency, stability was restored. This all happened while I was on my way to the hospital to visit.

As I walked into her cramped hospital room, the shit hit the fan and the other shoe dropped. After seeing the IV Bags, the morphine drip, and the not one but two drains placed in her back to remove lung fluid, it hit me. My mother, the ridiculously stubborn, California raised but Southern bred, will cut a bitch in a quick minute for messing with one of her babies, sometimes harsh but always loving, survivor of raising 4 hard-headed sons, is going to die. Most likely before the age of fifty-five.

When she opened her eyes and motioned me to her side, I almost didn't want to go. I knew what was coming. My father, mother, and I had been tiptoeing over the topic ever since I got accepted to college.

Mom: Come here son.

Me: I'm here mom.

Mom: You know this isn't looking good for me, right?

Me: Mom, now is not the time to be thinking like that. You've gotta fight.

Mom: I am baby, but I'm getting tired of this shit. I don't know how much more I can take.

Me: What are you saying?

Mom: I'm saying that I'm about ready to go. You know it, and I know it.

Me: Shit.....

Mom: I know me and your daddy are always telling you this, but now it's getting serious. We want you to be the leader in this family. We have known since you were a little boy that you were gonna be the one. I want you to be ready once the time comes...hell, it's already here.

Me:......

Mom: Yeah, yeah, I know...you're the youngest, blah blah blah. But let's keep it real. Of all your brothers and sisters, you have your shit the most together. We trust your judgment. We know that you will conduct matters in our best interest and not get greedy. And we know that you're not afraid to beat the hell out of anyone who tries to act a fool when we're out of the picture, even if it's family.

Me: *chuckling*. Yeah, Ma. You know how I do it.

Mom: You damn right, baby. We already put your name on all the papers and policies, but I want to know if you're ok with this. We've never wanted to force anything on you, but you saw what happened when your Momma Doonie passed. We don't want the same thing happening with our babies.

Me: Yes, I know. And I've been expecting this. I've thought about it, and I've prayed on it. God has told me there's a reason why he's given me the strength to deal with all the crazy ass people in this family...it is my job to keep the family afloat. I'm ok with it. I'll be here.

Mom: Thank you son. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Dad: We are so proud of the man you have become.

Me: Don't get it twisted though....i'm not doing all this crap alone.

Mom: You'd be a damn fool if you did *cackling*. Of course your brothers and Tamy will have to do their parts, but you gotta be the one to stay on them.

Me: Oh joy...this is going to be fun...

Mom: Yeah, really. Ok i'm done talking about this. I'm hungry.

So yeah, that was the first mindfuck. The second one happened when my Dad and I got back home. He pulled me to the side and said:

"I don't want to scare you any more than you already are, but I'm not taking this very well. I can't sleep, i'm hardly eating, and my anxiety pills ain't working. I honestly don't know what's going to happen to me when your mother passes away. That woman means everything to me, and I don't see myself living very well without her here. I'm not going to do something stupid or anything. I'm just saying that I'm gonna be real fucked up when this all happens. I'm really going to need to you be strong for me and help me out, because I'm not going to be worth much."

At this point, I'm in tears. I'm so touched by how much love is there between the two of them, but I'm also really scared. My dad is a very emotional man, and he doesn't take death of loved ones very well. He lost his best friend and his father within 2 months, and he was a mess. I take his words to heart because I know he wouldn't be telling me this unless he knew it was going to be BAD for him. As much as I love my dad for being so open and honest with his emotions, I kinda wish he could control them just a little bit. But hey, that's probably why he had so many damn children...he raised the hell outta us, and now when he is weak we are to pick him up.

And for the icing on the cake...any form of mindfuck would not be complete without a little bit of irony. I got a message from my internship coordinator today, detailing my internship assignment. Half of my internship will focus on worksite fitness promotion, and the other half with be assisting in a Cancer screening, prevention, and awareness intervention for African American women. Ain't that about a bitch??? I tell ya, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Here I am preparing to work on a study that will potentially save the lives of hundreds of Black women, while my own mother is losing a battle to cancer. Messy, I tell you. Just plain messy.

But what can you do? I'll tell you one thing. After having to deal with all the health related problems and drama that have plagued so many people close to me, I am SOOO motivated to work the hell outta of this internship and do all I can to get folks educated and active so they will not have to one day endure the hell that my family and I have gone through. That's what up.

If any of you are reading this, pray for a brotha. Even with all that is going on, my head is still high and my mood is positive. But I know at some point, all of this will get to me and I will have to take a break and be a hot emotional mess for a while. I just hope that somebody will be there to pick me up.

-J.

The Power of the Hustle

2 more days till freedom! In 2 days, I will have completed my first year of graduate school....WHAT!!! WHAT!!! As much as I like to complain about how much energy is sucked from my body due to school, I gotta admit that I've enjoyed most of it thus far.

Going to school at this level has taught me many lessons, but one always finds it way to the surface....The Art of HUSTLING. No i don't mean THAT kind of hustling :)...i mean the kind where you really put your back into your work and go for yours. Throughout this year, i've had to sacrifice my social and romantic life, but now I see why I did it. I kicked ass in my courses, won 4 scholarships (so far), landed 2 jobs that I LOVE, and set myself up in a public health training program that will provide PAID internship/research experience, PAID travel to conferences, and MONEY and support for my research project and application fees. Now all I gotta do over the summer is work my internship, train a few clients here and there, and KICK IT. Hard work DOES pay off.

I'm telling you, if you have a goal or vision, and are serious about accomplishment, be prepared to get your hands dirty and DO THE DAMN THANG. It all works out in the end.

Summer Wish List

After a much needed mini-vacation to San Diego, summer is now in full swing! I've been looking forward to this summer since the start of my graduate career. I started brainstorming about what I want to accomplish this summer a few weeks back, and I now have a nice lil' wish listgoing on. I wrote this as if I was talking to myself, so don't get confused....i thought you knew, this blog is all about ME! LOL just kidding you know I love to share. Tell me what you think.

*****LONG POST WARNING***WAIT, u know what? To hell with a long post warning. All my posts are probably going to be lengthy, so get used to it. I'm not a man of few words, and I'm cool with that. So here goes....

Summer 2006: Work Hard, then act a Fool!!

1. Work it (at work)!

- Research internship at UCLA...do the dayam thang. Get as much experience and training as possible. Make Dr. Yancey my #1 public health ally. Network like a mofo.
- Personal Training...work at community center 10 hrs/week, private training on weekends.
- NO MORE THAN 45 hrs/week of work. no exceptions

2. Research Project
- write the tightest literature review ever.
- see as much African dance as possible....must be a pro.
- network! Pick the brains of the dance and dance fitness experts.
- get healthy and healed so I can resume my dance training. start VERY slow, but be consistent

3. Preserve the sexy :)
- Make MY fitness more of a priority (thus practicing what I preach)
- CONTROL THE DIET! Fast food is from here on EVICTED from my belly.
- Pick it back up in the kitchen....it saves $ and ensures nutrition.
- Do not slouch on the physical therapy...it sucks, but it's working.
- Cardio is my friend...shoot for at least 1200-1500 yards in the pool, 4 miles on the treadmill. 30 minutes is the minimum! ugh....
- Decide what you want more...improved conditioning, or bigger muscles? Weight lift accordingly.

4. Revive my social life
- Take a clubbing hiatus. Realize that it is virtually impossible to meet anybody of substance at a nightclub, and expand your horizons.
- Stop being so damn shy! Sometimes u gotta let it all hang out. Hold the Scorpio back though....I don't think the world is ready for that yet :)
- Be assertive! When you see somebody that sparks your interest (or something else :)), don't punk out. Be a man and spit game. You can't read minds or pickup on subtle flirtations, so don't expect others to do so. Flirting is fun and oh so hot, but there comes a point when you must let your intentions be known.
- Have plenty of hot, delicious, pulse-popping sex!! (when the right person comes along). If you don't get some action soon, either 'Scorpio' will emerge or yo' azz is gonna self combust! self combustion is not sexy...at all.

***Side Note***. I've referred to 'Scorpio' several times but i haven't really explained what that all is about. For those reading that haven't figured it out, i was born under the astrological sign Scorpio. Scorpios are thought of as silently intense, brooding, and manipulative beings. We also have a reputation of being extremely sexual in nature. I definitely have a Scorpio side but i keep it under wraps because I don't quite know how to handle all that sexual energy yet. I'm actually a little afraid of it. I'll make a comparison....how many of you have seen X-Men 3? You know how Jean turns into Phoenix when Logan tries to kiss her? That's what 'Scorpio' is like, except he's not violent...just extremely horny. OK back to the wish list... :)

- Get the hell out of L.A. every once in a awhile. San Diego, Santa Barbara, Catalina Island, even the Bay Area...all within traveling distance. Make it happen.

5. Travel plans

San Diego - Memorial day weekend (DONE!)
Davis/Sacramento/Bay Area/Stockton - June 16-19th
Seattle, WA - ????
Back to NY - Late summer????
ATLANTA - LABOR DAY WEEKEND...u know!

6. Find a place to live/people to live with. Figure out how much you can afford, and get to looking! How many roommates? Living away from the crazy ass family....YAY!!! Living in Orange County.....BOOO!!!! Take the good with the bad i guess.

7. Family matters: Prepare to be the rock of the family. Mom is not doing so well, and you know you're next in line, so get ready. Be the strong one, but allow yourself to be weak and hurting as well. Be strong, not hard. Coordinate all the bros and sister...you can't do this shit alone, and you shouldn't have to. Try to spend more time with the little ones (nephews and nieces)....they grow so fast.

8. Random ish: do something with the bedroom. Go to the beach at least 3 more times. kick yourself for buying a bootleg digital camera, then buy all the peripherals that should have came with the camera so you can actually use it this summer. Think about having a professional photoshoot...that would be hot. Figure out something to do for volunteer work. Reconnect with your mentor. Take straight friends to a gay club/bar and watch them squirm muahaha!! Put a heavy dent in the reading list. Pray and read the Word more often. Have another NSBE/UC Davis black folks/random bay area peeps reunion and tear up another club...WHAT IS IT!!!??
Have "the talk" with Mom and Dad...it's about time the know the real deal.

That's all I have...for now. Let the (good) madness begin!

New York and DC: The Finish

Okay, I'm getting a little long winded with this New York story, so I'll finish it off with some highlights. I've got so much current stuff in the mix, I can't spend time dwelling on the past. Here goes.........

Loved it/the hotness:
Central Park was the bomb! So beautiful in the morning. not as many weirdos as I expected.

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre/The Ailey School: I had SO MUCH FUN exploring that place. It felt like home, really. That African Dance class i took kicked my ass; however, it re-lit my dedication to my research and made me stay focused on getting back to dancing.

Djoniba Mouflet African Dance School: I was given so much support for my research project, and the folks there were just mad chill. Can't wait to train for my certification there.

Entertainment in the subway: Man they should have been charging admission (well, they kinda do :)) for all the stuff I got to see/hear at the train stations. Breakdancers, musicians, crackhead comedians (a HOT mess), fanatical religious people...good fun for $2!

Having stores on EVERY corner: Fresh fruit and quality eats pretty much everywhere. A definite plus for my health nut during the week-but eats catfish and BBQ on the weekends ass.

H & M!!!!!!!: I'm not much of a shopper, but I acted a damn foo up in this place. And it was right next to a Foot Locker....I had no control. My only complaint were the tight assed pants with no booty-room. Anybody know of a decently priced, junk-friendly jeans manufacturer?

All the ethnic folks: Puerto Ricans, Haitians, West Africans, East Africans, Dominicans, Brazilians, Italian (like from Italy), Jamaicans, White folks, Asians, Black folks...all together and making it work. It's diverse here in LA, but NY has more of it and people actually interact with one another. I also like how the ethnic folks valued being "ethnic". Holding on to one's culture while succeeding in the dominant society is a beautiful thing.

Clubbing till 4 AM!: I love how at 3 am, the DJ is still doin the damn thang on the turntables.
Parking lot/club exit pimping at 4 am...priceless.

Howard University (in DC): So uplifting and inspiring seeing my upwardly mobile brethren thriving. The eye candy was nice as well....woof.

Seeing my long-lost friends: Chillin with Reg was definitely a highlight, as was getting to see my fraternity bro Jeff and friend Ms. Drea from undergrad. I found out a gang of folks I know live in NY/DC, so my next trip is going to be soo ridiculous!


Hated it!/BOO-HISS:

Crazy ass taxi drivers: I almost died 3 TIMES messin' with transportation via taxicab. I'll take my chances with the subway, thank you!

JFK airport: Why does this damn airport gotta be so damn far away from errythang?? Damn it!

The wave cap as a fashion accessory: I'm talking about non-black hair textured folks donning wave caps, as if wearing one will give them more "thug" credibility. The wave cap is a functional grooming item people...if you don't have any waves developing or cornrows to protect, PLEASE leave the cap at home.

High ass prices: New York City and State must have fallen and bumped their heads if they expect anybody to pay 20 bucks just to park on the street. Boo-to-da-hiss.

The Empire State Building: From the outside, I was mesmerized by the magnitude of this building. On the inside, I got my feelings hurt. I totally felt cheated when i found out you can't go all the way to the top without paying extra. And the telescope thingis were hella broke the day i went. Let's work on that please.

The Village: Okay i know I'm probably going to catch fire and brimstone for bad talking "The Village". But from what I saw, I wasn't too thrilled. Maybe it was hyped up too much for me....maybe things weren't crackin on the night that i visited. Anywho, i'll have to go and chill in the Village on a Saturday to see what it's really all about.

Overall Impression:

I bought one of those corny "I-HEART-NY" shirts and rocked it on my way back home...so I must be fond of NY. There's a lot more to see and do in the city. I hardly touched any of the other borroughs, so I definitely need to spend some time away from Manhattan next time. Until then, I'll enjoy my memories and these ridiculous video clips i recorded. When I get a chance, i'll have to post some of them.

-J.