Friday, April 20, 2007

I Am Ready For Love

After experiencing a quiet moment and listening to my gurl India.Arie, I realized that "I am ready for love"...

But I'm not willing to discount my sense of principle just to be laying up with somebody. I know what I want, and it's not an empty one-night encounter with a nameless face. What I wouldn't give to have a strong, beautiful man to call my own. Somebody to kiss, hug, and laugh with when I come home from a day of hard work. I spend so much of my time and energy taking care of other people, I wish I could depend on a man to take care of me. No, not like a sugar daddy, more like an romantic ally...somebody that I can lean on for support and TLC. Not to say that my friends and family aren't supportive...what I'm talking about is having a man take care of me in an INTIMATE sense...greet me with a nice long kiss and hug at the door...massage the tension from my shoulders and kiss my neck after a hard day...hold my hand for no reason...whisper and giggle in my ear...initiate wrestling matches...join me in the shower (and initiate whatever happens in the shower, :)) me cook a meal...have a deep meaningful conversation on our couch over coffee...sing to me, even if his voice sucks :)...sit on my lap, or allow me to sit on his...

All the things I take pleasure in doing to and for my love interests...I'm ready for my turn now. Simply put, I'm yearning for romance. Sex, even good sex, even GREAT sex would be nice...lets keep it real it would be the BOMB right about now, LOL. HOWEVER, I'm more interested in the presence of the entire MAN: his intellect, his spirituality, his thoughts, his sensitivity, his physicality, his vulnerability..that's what I'm looking for. His dick, mouth, and and ass are merely parts of a whole. My desire is that, hopefully soon, a WHOLE man will enter my life and the circumstances for romance will be right.

I'm waiting. Not patiently waiting, but waiting nonetheless. And searching.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Delayed gratification...a blessing and a CURSE

Hey blogopia...i know it's be a while since I last posted, but a brotha's been getting his grind on as of late. Life for me at the point is exhaustive, but fulfilling. I have a few things to gripe about but overall, I can't really complain. HOWEVER there is something I've had on my mind the past few weeks that I must share with the world...

This whole notion of DELAYED GRATIFICATION. According to, instant gratification is defined as:

"Deferred gratification or delayed gratification is the ability to wait in order to obtain something that one wants. This ability is usually considered to be a personality trait. Daniel Goleman has suggested that it is an important component of emotional intelligence. People who lack this trait are said to need instant gratification and may suffer from poor impulse control."

We've all heard the cliche phrases "Good things only happen to those who wait", "Work hard, then play hard","Be still, and the Lord shall fight your battles" (or get you a piece of steel, LOL) and many others. I believe many of these sayings hold some element of truth, however I'm finding it a BITCH to lead my life with delayed gratification.

Just about every major aspect of my life lends itself to delayed gratification. Financially, I've invested (and will continue to invest) thousands of dollars into an education that should yield job security and decent earnings in the future. In the meantime, I'm reduced to being a chronic B.A.C.S. (Broke Ass College Student). In addition to doing without financially, I sacrifice much of my social life to my educational obligations. While most of the other kids my age are out and about acting a hot sexy gay mess on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I'm lucky to even share a meal and a drink with friends.

Let's not even talk about having a love life...on second thought, let's go there.

Okay, we've established that having limited social time severely restricts my ability to actively date, search for love, hook up, or whatever. In addition to that, I'm running on the "CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN" principle of dating. If you're unfamiliar with CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN, you need to get into some Tyler Perry here, or here.

CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN basically means that I'm not giving nor partaking of the D&B until I meet somebody special. A brotha that can value what I bring to the table and is willing to build something substantial before we hit the sheets. I'd rather hold off on the physical gratification until it actually means something. Needless to say that this proves very HARD to deal with, but it is what it is. I'll just have to take this time to "know myself" until the right dude comes along...sigh.

Alright there is a reason why I posted about this besides bitching about the choices I've made. My point behind this rant is this...what makes it so damn hard to delay gratification? Why does it seem like I'm going against the grain of society when I decide to wait for the greater result? Why do I feel like I'm being penalized with poverty, social isolation, and blue balls for choices that are supposed to build character and pay off in the end? Why are we as Americans (or Westerners for that matter) so hell-bent on instant gratification and "it's all about what I want, when I want it"? Why does this feel doubly true in the Black community, where it seems like what you wear and drive and how willing you are to "get down" often dictates how people perceive your appeal or success?

Please let me know if I've got it twisted. I'm secure and confident in my choices, but DAMN! Why does this mess have to feel so difficult? I know one thing though...this whole delayed gratification deal BETTER NOT be a lie...i'll be mad as hell and might have to pull my gun out my purse!

Holler back ya'll.