Saturday, March 29, 2008

The beauty of contrast

Wow, theBlacks was right...this blog HAS gotten quite dusty :) I'm still here folks, just busy. Sometimes too damn busy (but we'll eventually get into that). I'm still working on finding that balance...i don't have it down yet, but I can say that it's an ACTIVE work in progress. I'm still on the academic plantation, but now it feels more like indentured servitude :P

As I opened my blog account tonight, I came across a post I wrote about two months ago; one of those "I need an outlet so here goes" type of posts. I stand here in awe of what I wrote, mainly because I feel so far away from those thoughts I had just a few short weeks ago. I feel it's important to share these words, but first I'll give you a little context...

When I wrote this, I was playing host to a dear friend of mine for the week. While I thoroughly enjoyed our time together and would host him again without reservation, his presence rocked my soul. Ultimately it was a very positive thing because it caused me to examine several areas of my life where I was unhappy and unfulfilled. Nevertheless, I was unsettled. He knew it and tried to talk it out of me, but embarrassment and insecurity kept my lips sealed. Here's the post (in italics):

I'm Having a Moment Right Now

Having somebody all up in my private space is strange, but kinda fun. In a way, I've yearned for this type of bonding for quite some time. Two guys, gay men, kickin it as sexual tension. Ok well there was some sexual tension (on my behalf only i'm sure), regardless it was all about companionship. Last night was definitely no exception, lol. Oh, the hijinx! I'm surprised to be awake this early, however it makes perfect sense that HE is totally knocked out. I'm glad he's sleeping soundly though...he deserves to enjoy his time off. He looks so peaceful there...i don't want to wake him up. Unfortunately, our time together is coming to a close. The plane waits for no man, so he's gotta get it movin'

As much as I love having him here, I'm ready for him to go. He tested me, questioned my logic, helped me to see some things that I otherwise probably wouldn't have acknowledged. That's what good friends do, and I have mad love for that. However, it unearthed a whole bunch of shit I've kept under wraps for a while. Shit that can sting like a mofo when a person can pick it out of your brain:

I'm way too hard on myself.

I have some shit on my heart and mind I have to deal with, but I'm scared....and insecure.

I'm still grieving...i cry for my mother's death and my father's heartache almost everyday. I was too busy being "strong" for the past two years to let it flow...

I yearn to have good people around me that add to my life...and yet when they are near I become distant.

I'm know I'm pretty damn good person, but I worry that people think I'm not good enough.

Was able spend time with one of my friends I grew up with. I love her because I can be myself without feeling judged. I have amazing friends, but we are so distant from each other. I often initiate contact only when I miss them. They grow tired of having to always pursue me. I'm busy, but not that damn busy.

Last night I had a moment of intense envy over a dear friend of mine....and I feel terribly ashamed for feeling that way. He came across the country to spend time with me, yet I felt hurt and offended when he didn't pay me attention. I fully expected him to be "a kid in a candy store" when we hit the club, but was quite surprised when I ended up being the sorry ass licorice flavored candy that gets left in the jar. My envy and disdain almost led me to abandon him at a club he had never been to a city he hardly knew anything about. Basically, I was TRIPPIN...but I checked myself...HARD. Had to take a time out to get my head together...something was seriously off with me. Was I secretly attracted to him? Yes, but I don't want anything more than his friendship. He sometimes questions his looks, but I wish he could see how damn beautiful he is...inside and out. It pisses me off that somebody he loves disregarded his spirit and caused him pain. I want him to find somebody that will appreciate all that he is. If we lived closer together, I might have given it a shot. Nevertheless, he's my homie and that's exactly what I need from him right now. But why the envy? My friend is doing exactly what I hoped for him...enjoying his vacation, having a good time, and giving the LA boys fever :) Why did I have a chip on my shoulder? All of a sudden it hit me...i was HATING. Hating on the fact that I couldn't remember the last time I had acted so free and uninhibited. Hating on the fact that I was too insecure to put myself out there like that. Hating on the fact that I had not had any worthwhile "action" for weeks while he seemed to have an open invitation. Yes, I was drinking Haterade big time. Envy is a bitch, and I was the biggest bitch for about 10 minutes before I snapped out of it. Unfortunately, I ended up messing over some dude in the process.

I could have had sex last night, but I stopped. I didn't feel anything for the dude...all I wanted to do was be touched and fuck. The last time i slept alongside another man was 4 months ago, and I was REALLY feeling that dude. I ran away from him because I felt like I didn't measure up. He was older, established, intelligent, focused, and sexy as hell...and I was insecure and retreated. Anyway, this guy last night said he was very attracted to me, and I believed him. To be fair, I thought he was a great guy. No sexual chemistry though. But I responded to his advances anyway...I liked the attention. He did little for me, but I obviously was doing a lot for him...typical for me in these situations. I think I stopped right before he was about to cum. That's fucked up, but the vibe was wrong. I apologized, and he said he understood. He was trying to be nice. I appreciated it, but I still feel like a jackass...I've had blue balls before....its NOT pretty.

And now I sit here...the morning after. Unsettled, frustrated, and disappointed I have to say goodbye to my friend. Yet and still, I want him to leave. Not because I'm tired of him, but because he mixed things up and I need room to process it all. I'll definitely invite him back, but maybe by that point I'll have handled my personal ish and really be able to engage with him as good friends should...with love, respect, and without reservation.

Clearly I've got some big changes to make.

As I read this, I'm in awe of the contrast of thoughts and mindset I have now. As I declared in the post, I've made some big changes. Although I'm still a work in progress, I'm much happier. It's all coming to the forefront. Baby steps.


TheBlacks said...

I remember that night, the text messages and even the confessional at the bar - Each day is another day to get it right.

Anonymous said...

you can always email me, you know. Yeah I know it would've been better if we can do voice... but alas I'm on the desert (which is coming to an end soon!) holla at me. It's not like I have better things to do out here. My inbox is often empty these days!

TheBlacks said...

Just re-read this entry, it was very touching and allowed you to get some shit off your chest. Please know if you need to talk, I'm here.