Thursday, January 04, 2007
When the Venom rises
For some reason, I've been hung up on dating and relationships lately. Maybe it's the fact that an overwhelming majority of my close friends are either in a committed relationship, engaged, or married...i couldn't tell you. Regardless, I've been thinking a lot about where I stand romantically, and I've been reminiscing over my love life this past year. 2006 was the year I started truly coming into my own as a black gay man, and it's been a rough time dealing with men in the romantic sense.
I've learned a lot this year about how this whole dating thing works, and frankly...i'm starting to become a little jaded. I easily rolled the hot messes, idiots, and straight up assholes I've entertained this past year...been there, done that, never again. However, the one guy I had strong feelings for...I still haven't gotten over that shit. I hate to admit it, but that whole experience has left me hurt and afflicted. I guess I masked my feelings and reactions as a defense mechanism when we initially stopped seeing each other, but ohh boy those emotions I choked down are starting to bubble to the surface. In an effort to be the "bigger man" and turn the other cheek, I shortchanged myself emotionally. Now I'm dealing with some serious backlash, and I'm having a hard time channeling it.
To sum it all up, I met somebody whom I thought was exactly what I was looking for...intelligent, attractive, ambitious, talented, and amiable. We hit it off, formed a bond, and started seeing a lot of each other. Very early in the 'relationship' a challenged presented itself, but we agreed to stay together and try to develop what we had. Six weeks later, we reunited, and the shit hit the fan. I got hit with something totally out of left field, and by the end of my trip, we called it off.
To clarify, I don't feel hurt because the relationship didn't work out. It was a very accelerated courtship, it was my first gay relationship, and we where presented with a host of challenges from jump. Basically, it was a long shot at best. What hurts the most is that I feel like I was completely SHORTCHANGED. It hurt then, but now it PISSES ME OFF like nobody's business. I gave my time, emotions, energy, strength, body, and finances to that relationship for it to all blow up in my face. I honestly feel like I was played the fool, toyed with emotionally, lied to, and then humiliated when it all ended. I never really got closure on the whole experience, and I'm now allowing myself to feel the VENOM. I know that I've accumulated some baggage from this relationship, and that PISSES ME OFF even more...that I let something so short-lived get to me.
Just thinking about how generous I was to this man, without even demanding reciprocity, upsets me. Just thinking about how I looked forward to his company or conversation after a hard and challenging day upsets me. Thinking about how I selflessly became emotionally available to his needs even at a time when I was facing one of the most emotionally and mentally traumatic moments of my life, infuriates me. Thinking about how I went out of my way to make our "first time" a moment to remember pisses me off. Recalling how excited I was making those preparations angers me. Remembering how much pleasure I felt from being able to please him also makes me mad. When we were faced with our challenge, I took it all in stride and did what I was felt was necessary to make HIS transition a smooth one.
But ohh boy, what really gets me livid is how it all came to an end. How I dropped everything I had on my plate...my classes, my work schedule, time with friends and family, to take a "vacation" to reunite with him and resume our relationship in person. How I invested time and money I didn't really have just to spend quality time with my man. How I counted the days in anticipation of us seeing each other again. How I sat in nervous delight while on the plane. And when I arrived and we were reunited, I was greeted with...ambivalence...hesitancy...lack of emotion...a half-assed hug. When I settled into where I stayed for the trip, I heard the crickets...awkward silences. I almost felt like an unwanted guest. I could go on, but I'd just be doing overkill and the details just piss me off even further. After 2 days of neglect, we had 'the talk'. I'm getting mixed signals, and I wanna know what the hell is going on. I tell him where I stand, and I ask him where he stands. I ask for honesty and directness. He gives it to me.
The verdict...the challenges we faced were becoming a bit too much to handle, his heart was not in it anymore, and he wanted to break up. That's understandable. Here's the KICKER...he knew this at least a week before I arrived. WTF!!! and OUCH.
If anything, all I ever asked for was honesty, integrity, and respect. I wasn't keeping a tally on who was reciprocating what...i didn't have to be the center of attention. All I asked was that my efforts and affections be recognized, and that they not be taken advantage of or slighted...the ball is in your court concerning how you respond to what i'm throwing out. I get played for a damn fool for my efforts. AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT.
I don't hate the person I was with...at all. In all honesty, I think he's a great person and I am excited for what he is going to bring to the world. I'm still a fan of his work. What I hate is how he handled me. The way this went down was FUCKED UP and FOUL, and I feel like I got played. Maybe it was my own fault...for giving too much of myself to somebody who couldn't respect what I was giving. Maybe I was the fool for just expecting some level of reciprocity and not outright demanding it. Maybe I let my emotions get ahead of my logical thinking? Who the hell knows..all I do know is that I've had some time to process everything and I'm still MAD AS HELL ABOUT IT. Mad that I feel like I was disrespected, and mad that I can't just let it go and move on like everything is peachy.
Now that I've expressed that I'm pissed, I'm not sure what to do with this energy. Besides venting to friends and my journal, I've done nothing to channel my resentment. I'm worried because if I internalize this, I will become an evil bitch, accumulate more baggage, and do or say something scandalous. I'm not one for shade, sabotage, or trickery (those are Trent's words, not mind), but if I get done the wrong way and I dont let it go, I can be that person.
Hopefully I'll think of something...because I need to be done with this so I can focus on the more positive things in my life and not dwell on something so not worth my energy. Okay, I'm done for now.
Sorry I had to air my dirty laundry, but I don't give a f**k. This is my space, and I had some shit to say. Any advice is much appreciated.