Friday, December 29, 2006
As much as I enjoy who I am as a person, sometimes I HATE being a SCORPIO. Sometimes the depth of character, intensity, and the sexual energy we Scorpios exude is a BURDEN to deal with. Allow me to explain...
I'm at a point in my life where I am seeing a clear picture of the person I'd like to become and the path I wish to follow. I take pride in the fact that I am kind, generous, dedicated, giving, humorous, very friendly and amiable, faithful, and affectionate. I love to give to others not because I expect something in return...something in my spirit drives me to do such. I treat people, even strangers, with the upmost dignity because too many people in the world treat others like shit and I'd like to be treated with dignity and respect. I have a tendency to be touchy because I'm naturally a tactile person and I believe that people (especially Black folks) need more casual touches, kisses, and hugs...that machismo crap is for the birds in my eyes. I become very focused on my goals because I understand that nothing substancial is given to you without some effort. Even though I'm serious about life, I enjoy crackin jokes, laughing my ass off, and acting a hot mess when it's play time...life is too damn short to be all stiff and stoic. I love being a 'nice guy', and wouldn't have it any other way.
When it comes to dating, men, and relationships, I offer all of these qualities. Unfortunately, something is getting lost in the equation or misunderstood. Although I consider myself a "catch", I rarely attract the men I want to catch me (or the ones I want to catch). I attribute some of this problem to what I call the "Scorpio Syndrome". Scorpios are notorious for being flirtatious, sexual, and magnetic. These qualities are all good, but unfortunately those of us that possess these qualities give off the wrong vibe....well what I consider the wrong vibe. Instead of the "I am a beautiful person with much to offer you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually", vibe I'd LIKE to send out, I seem to be giving off this "I'm hot in the ass I want to fuck without abandon" vibe. Where the hell is this coming from?
Don't get me wrong. I am very much aware of my sexuality and I love it. I love affection, and the though of sex really gets me going. However, that is not all that I desire....or is it the strongest desire I have. What I yearn more than anything is what a good friend of mine calls a "MIND, BODY, & SOUL F**K". Maybe it's my feminine side talking, but I desire, sometimes even fantasize, that a man will come into my life and stimulate my intellect, connect with my spirit and faith, and treat my body with as much respect and honor as I wish to offer his body. If all of those areas are covered, sex and passion wouldn't be an issue...i'd give it to that man so good he wouldn't even know what to do with himself. I would hold NOTHING back sexually, because there would be no point.
Now I'm sure there are men out there that can give me a mind-body-soul fuck...my question is...WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?? I'm doing my best to hold on to my integrity and keep from having sex just to satisfy my urges, but this shit is getting TOUGH. Most of the sex I've had (which hasn't been much at all) has been satisfying, but so very empty and shallow. I just can't let myself go all the way if I feel nothing for a man...I'm way too guarded to allow myself to be that vulnerable and i feel guilty afterwards.
I'd much rather have a man look me in the eye and I see lust AND admiration, take his time to set the mood for lovin, share some serious intimacy and foreplay before we go at it like rabbits in heat, fall asleep in each other's arms totally exhausted, wake up in the morning to some more intimacy or even Round Two, take a hot shower together, then eat a good meal before we go on with our days. Is that so much to ask if I'm willing to open up my mind, body, spirit, and potentially my heart for this man?
I may be asking for something unattainable, but damnit that's what I desire. Are they any men out there willing to bare their souls to a good man?
I hope so, because my resolve is slowly slipping. I hate the idea of pursuing shallow sexual encounters, but my desire to hold and be held is becoming so strong I might just go there. Hopefully someone will come along before I release the "Scorpio". Will the real men please stand up? Because I'm searching for you.
I apologize if that was one big ass RAMBLE, but I had to get that out.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
This past Tuesday, I had the opportunity to sit in on a dynamic workshop on the state of black gay men seeking relationships. The workshop was hosted through In the Meantime Men (ITM), a L.A. based men's support and empowerment group for gay SGL men and their allies.
The facilitator for this discussion was Dr. Roger Quinney, a licensed clinical social worker, psychological counselor, retired Unity Fellowship Church Reverend, and Ph.D. Candidate. Dr. Roger presented himself as a sharp, down to earth, well informed brotha who actually gives a damn about the mental health and wellness of gay black men. There are VERY FEW psychologists that target gay black men, so it was a real treat to have him present for us. And let me tell you, he brought it for the kids, young and old. This workshop was informative, engaging, and at several moments a HOT ASS MESS. Quite a few of the men in the group were KILLING it with their crazy ass comments and messy commentary...TREMENDOUS ENTERTAINMENT VALUE. I wish I had a video or tape recorder to capture some of dramatics that went down. Well hell, what do you expect? When black gay men talk about sex and relationships, you can guarantee things are gonna get SERIOUS. And they did.
Although I was much entertained by the personal accounts and cunty arguments that ensued, I left the workshop with some very useful information. Here are a few bits of material from the workshop that Dr. Roger printed for us. If you are at a point (like me) where you are looking for the "right one", I hope this material is useful.
Also, Dr. Quinney maintains a private practice in Los Angeles for you brothas and sistas out there that may need the support of a professional. Here's some contact info:
Roger Quinney, L.C.S.W.
Quinney & Associates
Counseling and Counseling Firm
Don't sleep on counseling! I'm seeing a counselor myself, and I highly recommend EVERYBODY see one at least once or twice. With that being said, ENJOY the material!
WHERE IS HE? "STILL LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE"
The challenges of same gender loving people are often the need for companionship, or that special person in your life. The barrier is often defining the relationships and what you are really looking for in a person.
Where is he?
The statement "Where is he?" is your own perception of reality. The perfect person is generally in your head but the realities are based upon your behaviours and interactions with others.
Where is he?
You generally find that Black men are seeking other Black men that are physically attractive, intelligent, sensitive, stable, responsible, and lastly reliable. Is this a reality or a fantasy?
Where is he?
Ok, let's take a look at your own personal life experiences and reflect on them. What was your childhood like (i.e. relationships with parents, brothers, and sisters, etc.)? When did you become aware of your sexual orientation or sexual preferences (rule out any sexual abuse that may have occured). The key factor you must have before you can share your life with another person is you must know who you are as a person. Why is this?
Now that the matter of who you are is hopefully cleared up or a work in progress, let us take a look at all of the men who have come and gone in your life. What was the key factor for involving yourself in these relationships? Mutual physical attraction? Sex? Attention? Career advancement? Affection? Did you date before you had sex, or did you have sex and then tried to date? It is important to consider the sex roles you have played in these relationships and how it felt for you (top, bottom, versatile). Also consider the HIV/STI status of yourself, or your previous partners. Did this have an affect on your relationship? Did you live together with your partners? Who was responsible for the finances, cooking, and taking care of the home?
Where is he?
Let us always be mindful that the key to any relationship is COMMUNICATION. That is, to listen, share, and observe the behaviors of your potential partner. Unfortunately, one of the barriers in SGL relationships is COMMITMENT. Is the concept of monogamy a challenge for SGL people? It has been my experience that this concept of being monogamous is a learned behavior, which is often developed by having single, heterosexual people as the ideal model. Is this appropriate? Are there any good examples of committed, long-term SGL couples to be used as the model instead?
Where is he?
We must understand the person we seek is often a fantasy that be conjured up in our minds as the 'man of our dreams' without considering the faults and flaws we all carry. Therefore, we must always reach out to others and be friendly to one another regardless of if he/she does not meet your expectations. You never know...that initial 'frog' in your life may be your knight in shining armor.
DR. QUINNEY'S WORDS OF WISDOM: IF A MAN WANTS YOU
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If a man doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's just not meant to be.
Slower is BETTER.
Never live your life for a man before you find what truly makes you happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating your as you deserve to be treated, then HELL NO, you can't "be friends". A 'friend' wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle for mediocrity. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Do not stay because you think "it will get better". You will be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is YOU!
Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women or men. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, so why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from your man's.
Maintain boundaries concerning how a man treats you. If you don't let your boundaries be know, you give him free reign to walk all over you.
If something bothers you...SPEAK UP! Men are notorious for being unable to read minds.
Never let a man know EVERYTHING about you too early. He may decide to use that vulnerability against you later.
You cannot CHANGE a man's behavior. This kind of change comes from within.
Don't ever let a man feel he is more important than you...even if has more materially than you. You have more to offer than materialism...your time, you patience, your listening, and your sharing of your heart.
If a man is always "too busy", it's time to MOVE ON! He just isn't into you. Just like we said earlier, if a man wants you, nothing will keep him away. If he is really into you he will MAKE time for you.
OK THATS IT FOLKS! Good luck with finding "the one". He or she is out there, but don't discount who you are as a beautiful person just to satisfy the needs or wants of somebody else. The way I see it, the partner for you will BUILD you up and make you a BETTER person, not tear you down or downplay your mental/physical/spiritual/emotional growth. But hey, that's just me.
Do you have any thoughts about finding "The Right One"?
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Several weekends ago, I had the great pleasure of spending some quality time with fellow bloggers TheBlacks, Freddy Smith, Trent, and a guest by the name of Joe for a day of BEAUTIFUL weather, brilliant LGBT cinema, a lively panel, some DE-LIC-IOUS food, the L.A. version of Noah's Arc meets "The View" (y'all fools betta RECOGNIZE), and delightfully messy black gay hijinx. I haven't kicked it all day like that in a while with anybody, so it was a great pleasure to spend the day in such awesome company.
We started off the day at Barnsdall Arts Theatre (which was surprisingly picturesque) to show our support for FUSION: OUTFEST Los Angeles, an independent film and documentary showcase featuring the works of highly-talented LGBT creative artists of Color.
After the showcase, we were treated to a lively debate/panel discussion involving gay marriage, the power of mentorship, and the state of the Black Gay community in Los Angeles. The L.A. Blacks and I got a kick outta some of the shade being thrown out on the sly...i tell ya, the kids can be a mess! even when being tactful...
Departing the theatre, we proceeded to wander aimlessly for about 20 minutes trying to find a place to eat. Don't get it twisted...it was not cute. We were all hungry as HELL, and our navigator was playing games...he almost made me come out my backback... We finally decided on Alcove, a cute lil cafe spot in Los Feliz. After laughing our asses off to the ridiculously icy "i wanna beat your ass!" glares Fred was throwing our guest for getting us all lost and extra hungry, we settled in for a nice lil' lunch that turned into a full scale afternoon affair (complete with coffee and dessert! we were being very homosexual that day, lol). It felt good having real conversation with other upwardly mobile black gay men without the pretense of a hook-up or whatever. We were even able to get a little deep, which is very rare for me with people i don't know.
Good times had by all, especially our 'guest'. Now THAT dude was too much, and he had it in for Trent! I think the 'read' total was about 10 or 11? Thank god Trent was being nice...i could feel the retaliation in the air, LOL.
So yeah, it was good finally getting out and connecting with some real brothas. Kudos to the artists at Fusion for holdin it down, and the staff at Alcove for dealing with 5 out of order negroes :).