Sunday, January 08, 2006

Can freakiness be genetically linked?

I'm gonna jump this blog off on a topic that I've been identifying with more and more lately...SEX. After having a rather steamy conversation with my boy Reg about a certain somebody I'm getting to know, i began to think about the complexity of my sexuality. I'm not talking about sexual orientation, however it does play a part in everything. I'm talking about my sexual nature...appetite, compulsions, fantasies, and behaviors. Have any of you really taken a look at how you think, act, and behave sexually? If you haven't and want to take a look, be VERY careful. You could find out that you are one seriously repressed freak, like i did. I truly believe i was born a freak-a-leek, and have been fighting it since puberty. Let me explain.

Let's first examine the circumstances of my conception. I was conceived only 4 weeks after my mom gave birth to my brother closest in age. That means my parents couldn't keep their hands off each other for the mandatory 6 weeks post-delivery. I was conceived on Valentine's Day of 1981 and born on November 11th, making me a boneified Scorpio (and we all know what freaks scorpios can be). Now all that could be dismissed as nonsense...but...it gets better. My mama was ALSO conceived on a Valentine's Day 30 years earlier, being born on November 14th and making her a Scorpio. That means my grandparents were getting busy in the shack on the day of romance to spawn their youngest child just like my parents did. I was conceived on the day of lovin, born under the freakiest sign in zodiac, to a couple of horny ass parents. Okay, let's move on...

I have been exposed to sex for as long as I can remember. As the youngest of 5 boys and a freaky ass sister, I heard a lot and saw a lot as a lil' one. My parents, god bless em, never sugar coated anything related to sex....they gave it to us raw and uncensored. They even shared (and still do share) about their sexual escapades...eww right? But oh no, that is all normal in my household. At the age of 16, my parents questioned me about my sex life...they were afraid i didn't have one! (which i didn't). I received a box of condoms as a gift on prom night from one of my brothers, with specific instructions to use them all before I got home. And the question on everybody's mind during my first winter vacation from college? "Boy, have you gotten any yet?"

If i had responded to them, I would have said "Hell No!" I had a front row seat, watching the consequences of immature sex unfold before me. I saw too many of my brothers and sisters have kids too soon and give up on dreams. Too many pregnant girls and baby-faced daddies walked the halls of my high school. As much as I was a typical horny teenager, I chose to put the "CLINK CLINK" on myself until I was ready to handle being sexually active with maturity. Besides, I saw what happened when guys got that first piece of flesh...they lost they damn mind! I was determined to keep mine. Oh how naive i was...

So yeah, that was the first reason i gave myself for being a prude. The second one surfaced right before I started college. I found myself starting to pay attention to the boys. I never really thought about guys in a physical sense up until that point. You see, one of my roommates freshmen year was a wrestler. While I had absolutely NO physical attraction to him (he's my brotha from anotha motha) I gotta say I appreciated some of the beautiful men on his team. What really set it off was seeing my first wrestling meet...i fell in love with the sport's athleticism, intensity, and...homoeroticism. I gotta admit, after that first meet, i became a fan of wrestling for reasons other than supporting my roommate :).

I had a similar reaction when I started dancing and doing gymnastics. I found myself captivated by these male athletes and artists, so masculine in their strength and power, but performing with a grace and style sometimes more beautiful than the women. I'm not sure if I could say that I was sexually attracted to men, but i definitely held a physical attraction. DEFINITELY.

Now how did i respond to this? I put myself on an even harder lockdown. I still found women sexually attractive, so I pushed my attraction for men aside and buried myself in denial. Big mistake. I probably would have had an enjoyable love and sex life in college if I hadn't hid from my sexuality. Instead, I got even more sexually repressed because I balked at pursuing the women too. I felt as if I couldn't offer them what they deserved because I knew i had some kind of feelings for men. I locked myself down from all intimate contact. Now you just don't do that when you're young, dumb, and full of....you get the picture :)

Pandora whooped my ass for keeping that box closed for so long. I was in Atlanta when the freak emerged. I allowed myself to explore all aspects of my sexuality. And explore I did! My confusion about being more than physically attracted to men went right through the window. Along with it went any remaining sense of sexual restraint i had. Yes, i was a straight up ho for those 5 days. I was exposed to a new world, surrounded by thousands of beautiful chocolate men and women, and I hadn't had a true taste of anything for close to 23 years. What would u do in that situation?

Since that trip, there has been this ongoing struggle in my body. On one side there's the "i'm an honorable, i wanna get to know you, honor you, be your friend first" nice guy. On the other side there's the "oooh i'm so horny, i ain't had none in weeks, u lookin kind of good, i bet i could turn you out real quick" sexually-charged guy. The nice guy usually wins, unless somebody i think is fine decides to flirt with me. Then, it's on. If we become intimate and I find his errogenous zones and hot spots, it becomes like a game. I'll turn on the heat, and listen to him melt...which drives me even more crazy. But it usually ends there, because now the person has been thoroughly satisfied and I have not given them a chance to return the favor...damnit.

So yeah, that's where I am now. I've come to terms with many things, including my freakiness. I have to act prudish...if I didn't i'd be WAY too hot in the ass. I think what I need is to be in a committed relationship, where I can truly feel comfortable letting myself go and receive the pleasure i so eagerly like to give out. When that person comes along, and we click emotionally, spritually, and physically, i hope he (or she?) has taken their vitamins.

Can anybody relate to this? Holla at cha boy.

Dancehard.

7 comments:

ProfessorGQ said...

ummmm...I'm a freak, but I'd rather not know if I got it from my parents because they don't seem like freaks and I really do not wanna know....gross! LOL

Reg said...

Ooh, that was a mouthful. And we're all sexual freaks, for the record. It's probably the opinion of friends/family/society that respress most people. Or fears. Well, I say be a freak. But a safe one. And don't jump into anything too quickly. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Me.

dancehard said...

Yeah I hear ya GQ...i wish i didn't know where I got mine from...it's kinda wrong knowing your parents get more action than you do. But hey, you can't pick your parents...still love em'.

And Reg, you gotta good point about fear holding people back. It did for me, and now that I'm not so scared anymore, i gotta whole lot of "energy" to work off. But don't worry, being safe is the only way to go!

heartbreaker said...

YES! YES! YES! I can relate to that, OMG boi! I often think about where my freakiness originated which ALSO points at my parents, but I'm scared to dig deeper into that, so I don't... -lol- but I recently opened up that box and let the beast out (4 reaaal) cuz I'd been repressed my whole life and was exposed to sex growing up, but it was always a traumatic experience for me, so I think it was my curiosity that overcame me... what really struck a chord in me reading this was identifying w/ your college experience... being the nice guy and putting it on lockdown... I really regret that, now... but I'm coming to terms w/ my freakiness as well b/c i sit here sexually friGGin frustrated and really pissed off cuz i couldn't get any today so... hmm... lata (u really didn't need to know that last part but anyway...) peace

dancehard said...

LOL heartbreaker,

You ain't the only one sitting here sexually frustrated. But at least you have a boyfriend you can routinely ravage :). I'm single, and some of these men (and women) out here aren't receptive to anything besides a no-strings screw...and my (5) days of casual sex are over! That does nothing but royally PISS OFF my freaky side, but oh well...sigh.

Reg said...

Ummmmm...... I'm still waiting for the next post.

Me.

Anonymous said...

good info