That is how I felt before I left for Thailand (vacation recap to be posted soon). I've NEVER been that far at the end of my rope in the family or professional sense, and I never want to go there again. Thankfully the peace, tranquility, and good times of the Thailand trip got me thinking a whole new way about how I'm going to maintain balance in my life.
I'm going to finally follow the advice so many people have offered me this past year. My wise friend Tarrance summed it up the best. Borrowing from the one and only Whitney Houston (who is the last person who should be quoted for self improvement but sista had it ON POINT with this statement):
"LOVE THEM....BUT DON'T LIVE FOR THEM"
THEM refers to a selection of people that I deal with amongst my family, friends, and professional career that, either unintentionally or maliciously, mercilessly drain my energy and resources with...for lack of a better term...bullshit. Immature, remedial, wasteful bullshit and drama. Basically, the people in your life that are messy as hell but you have to deal with anyway. Well, they all got together and decided to whoop my ass for a good while.
They (as in THEM) appear comfortable doing the same ol' shit on a different day, while I am all about making changes until I find that right formula that will afford me growth, peace of mind, and success. They can't understand why I can't be at their beck and call 24-7, and I can't understand why the hell they expect me to put my life on hold for grown ass people that refuse to take some initiative and handle their shit. Trying to be so much for so many people (without reciprocity) has caused me to suffer. My romantic life is nearly buried...grad school placed it on cardiac arrest, and messy family drama threatens to lower it into the grave. The friends and colleagues who have enhanced my life with affirmation and I enjoy spending time with have grown frustrated with me because I never have time for them. My body, both spiritually and definitely physically, has been repeatedly neglected. And for a period of time I wasn't very happy at the end of the day. I finally realized that I cannot continue to exhaust my efforts on others and expect to hold myself down in the process.
If I continue to live for them...they won't live for themselves.
If I continue to live for them...they will expect and demand more.
If I continue to live for them...my personal life will always be a distant priority.
If I continue to live for them...I risk the future prosperity I've worked so hard for.
If I continue to live for them...I'll feel obliged to "be there" when I really can't.
If I continue to live for them...they are gonna wear me out!
If I continue to live for them...I'll forget to live for myself.
If I continue to live for them...I'll resent them in the end.
If I continue to live for them...I'll hate them for holding me back.
Instead of playing the helpless victim or lashing out in anger, I'm gonna take middle ground. I'm going to LOVE THEM, BUT LET THEM LIVE. What that means is, I'm going to continue being supportive and a source of encouragement, within very strict boundaries. Unrelenting boundaries. Not to be a bitch, but to ensure I attend to my own affairs first. No more sacrificing my basic needs and essential wants (ie. healthy food, sleep, exercise, social interaction) to "run to the rescue". If a true emergency surfaces, I'll put on my cape and blast off. If it's not a life alterating drama or catastrophe, I'm gonna keep my distance and FALL BACK. Give advice from afar. Let the chips fall where they may. And if I do decide to jump in the fray, it will be done per MY discretion and MY circumstances. I will not feel obligated to do anything just because "you're the smart one" or "I don't know how to deal his/her triflin' ass." If it ain't crucial, HANDLE IT YOUR DAMN SELF, and call me for reinforcements.
You must PRESERVE and ENHANCE the FABULOSITY!
In addition to that, I'm gonna make taking care of me a #1 PRIORITY. I've learned the hard way that putting oneself first is not selfish, but very SHREWD. I mean, how the hell can you expect to shoulder the responsibilities and shortcomings of others if your foundation is weak? From this point forward, I'm dedicated to once again strengthening my foundation. My life has so much potential right now, but I'm not running at 100% right now. Sure, I have plenty of valid excuses....grieving, adjusting to school, new family responsibilities, and the like. I recognize this, but is it really keeping me from BRINGING MY A GAME? I think not. So now, it's all about building Jammie for greatness. Attack school and research with TENACITY just like I did before I got a nice cushy fellowship and got just a teeny bit complacent. People are watching me, so it's time to really SHOW THEM what I'm working with.
Master my biggest nemesis....TIME MANAGEMENT.
Use the time that you have to do what you have to do. If I have 5 hours of work scheduled, I focus on my tasks for 5 hours then it's a WRAP. None of this putting in 1-2 extra hours per day nonsense...I don't have time for that, and clearly these tight wallet assed UCLA folks are not paying for extra so they gets none. If I have 3 hours of study-time after dinner, finish your work in 3 hours then carry your ass to bed! None of this going until 1:00 or 2:00 am bullshitting on YouTube and expecting to just wake up hella chipper at 5:00 am to go the gym. Stop playing. The snooze button is not there for you to press 8 times, and you're trying to get back in 'college' shape. If I have successfully endured a notorious hours-long study jam on a Saturday afternoon and got my work done, there will be no half hearted attempts to pick it back up after dinner...YOU'RE DONE! Get in the shower, lotion up them ashy elbows and ankles (it's crucial, trust me :)), put on some fly evening attire, call up the kids, and get the hell out. Away from Westwood. The club, concert, poetry lounge, drumming class, whatever. Just use that time AWAY from the Mac Book. Have your behind back and under the covers by 2 am though because there will be no sleeping in most Sundays. Yeah yeah yeah, self-imposed micromanagement sucks, but hey I'm trying to be FABULOUS so there are sacrifices one must make.
Next thing is BE RESPONSIVE. If somebody calls me, I will call them back in a timely fashion. Even if it's a microwave conversation, recognize folks are looking out for you and exchange the gesture. If a guy shows interest and you are feeling him (or vice versa), DON'T PUNK OUT. The whole "I'm busy with school" schtick is TIRED. Answer calls, respond to e-mails, and if you get an opportunity for a date, you better JUMP ON IT (get into the double entendre)! I think we all know desirable men don't grow on trees, so you'd be a damn fool to sleep on a quality dude, I don't care how busy you THINK you are. Pull out that schedule and make it work!
So yes, it's time for me to step it up several notches . I love THEM, but I cannot live for them. I need to start living for ME. And what a greater time to start than NOW.
