At Capacity, but doing alright

It's been a while since I last posted...life has been kicking my ass as of late, and unfortunately I've been forced to neglect my committment to blogging. I hope to be back in the game very soon (hopefully this weekend) with full-on posts and random streams of consciousness. But until then, I'll leave with a laundry list of things going on in my world....

1. Work is going great...for the most part. My personal training clients are all a pleasure to work with and very dedicated, so that makes my job easy. I'm having a lot of fun teaching my activities classes. It amazes me how LAZY folk can be in a PHYSICAL ACTIVITY CLASS, but the energy I receive from them when they ARE engaged almost makes up for it. My graduate assistantship is getting boring as hell, and I doubt if I will continue my contract for another semester. The interns that shadow me are cool as hell (and one is definitely easy on the eyes, lol), however that is not enough to keep me motivated to work at highest ability. I'm sure my prof will be pissed, but at this point all I care about is finishing this damn degree and going on to the next.

2. The UCLA internship is COOL AS A FAN, but I swear, this woman is trying to work me like a stripper on a pole! Everytime I go in, she has a new project or an article to review, or a demonstration to facilitate or somethin! I don't complain too hard though, because this sista works 5 times as hard as I do, does it with grace, and is SERIOUSLY hooking a brotha up both professionally and personally. I still love our chemistry, even though she's loves putting my ass to the test. Just last week, she helped me resolve a conflict I had with family....now how many academic mentors do you know would go there for their students? Hell, I'm not even one of her students! (well, at least not yet).

If anything, she is giving me the real deal on what it's going to be like as a doctoral student and true professional in Public Health. In the back of my head I know that and respect her for being real, but at the same time I feel a bit overwhelmed and 'remedial' at times. I need to stop comparing myself to her and the other Ph.D's...I'm still a scrub to the game and have much to learn. Damn my Type-A tendencies!



Wow, this is turning into a full-blown post, isn't it?!



3. I'm making it official... I'm happily involved with a wonderful young man! If y'all have been reading for a while, you know who it is. He is a fellow blogger, and a damn fine specimen of man :). Our circumstances are a bit complicated with him in Atlanta and me in L.A., but we are making the most of the situation. I never thought my first real, serious relationship would be a long distance thang....it is what it is. I'm very happy he's in my life, so relieved that he feels the same way, and excited to see what the future holds. FINALLY I connect with one of the "good" ones...well at least he's "good" for me.

I ain't gonna lie though, this separation is a bitch to deal with! It would be one thing if we had known each other super long before we became long distanced...we had only known each other very shortly before he left for ATL. One other tough pill to swallow is that I REALLY LIKE HIM, meaning I really enjoy his company and conversation. Not having that to look forward to everyday (or even every other day)is really tough for me. I'm naturally very touchy and tactile, so it means a lot to be able to feel, hear, touch, taste ;), and smell my man. I try to make up for it with frequent phone calls and texts, but I gotta cool it with the peak time calls...my cell phone bill is NO JOKE.

One factor that's really a challenge is the whole EYE CANDY FACTOR. I don't know what, why, or how the hell this is happening, but all of a sudden, now that I'm in a relationship, I start getting attention from dudes. On campus of all places!! Cal State Fullerton has about a 2.6% Black population which is only about 1/5 male (aka. between 100-150 black men out of 35,000 students) so the likelihood that I'd come across "family" is slim to none. Alas, the shit is going down! Guys from my past, a few random men on campus, even one of my damn students have tried to holla! Add to the equation my major being Kinesiology (movement, fitness, and nutrition), my office being next door to the Track & Field and Wrestling main offices, and one of my GA responsibilities involves conducting fitness assessments on all intercollegiate athletes (basically having to touch and pinch on ridiculously developed athletes). You'd think it would be a dream job...but for me, it's HELL.

This is why it's hell. While it's great to be in the midst of all that flesh and muscle and testosterone and homoeroticism, I can only look and not touch. To be honest, I don't even want to touch. I feel like with my man I'm on the verge of a relationship with long term potential, and I have no desire to jeopardize what we have. The trouble comes because being in my environment day in and day out has me thinkin' some pretty X-rated thangs. Me being a sexually expressive person doesn't help matters either. Not having the man of my affections here with me to buffer those thoughts, or even play a part in them :) really sucks. It's like riding on a crowded bus when you have guys in Hondas offering you a ride and you have your own Bentley 2,500 miles away. Sure, you can take a ride here in a Honda and probably get away with it, but you know that nothing will compare to the sheer driving pleasure of your Bentley when you have access to it. Until I can see my Bentley again, I will continue to ride the bus...groan. Hell, at least I can say I have a Bentley. Most guys would be happy with an unreliable Toyota, and I've been blessed with a finely tuned, well-maintained, chocolate brown luxury vehicle with PLENTY of horsepower, LOL.



Ok, I need to stop.



4. I'm sexually frustrated....nuff' said.



5. I love my family, but I feel myself getting sucked into the drama. It's enough having to deal with my father. He's still hurting really bad with Mom's Death, and I worry that he'll not take care of himself right if I don't stay in his face. Now, our family is facing a long-standing pain in our asses...the fate of my grandmother's house. My mother's dying wish was to make every attempt to save and rebuild the "House". She even invested $50,000 of her own credit to make this a reality. Now that she is gone, her equity credit line has been revoked, we have $25,000 in repairs still left in our construction contract, and my mother's siblings are acting triflin as hell when it comes to contributing FINANCIALLY to this cause. Basically all they are concerned with is getting a check written to them for the sale of the house. Now I would tell them both to kick rocks and die, but they own 2/3 of the house...so a brotha and his brothers find themselves between a rock and a hard place. Should we take the debt ourselves (if that's even possible) and finish the work? Should we just say screw it and sell the house as is (and lose about $100,000 for not investing $20,000), or should we just wash our hands of the whole thing and let the bank snatch the mortgage?

Part of me wants to be done with this whole ordeal and just sell the house. Another part of me wants to fulfill my mom's wish, hem up these triflin heifas with my razor (pull it OUT da backpack!) and get the work done. Another part of me, which is growing larger by the minute, wants to run like hell away from all these messy african americans, escape to Atlanta, and hide in my man's bed LOL.


As much as I don't want to deal with it, I must. I'm the "responsible" one, so I must set the tone for my family's actions once again. So much for being the spoiled baby of the family, huh?


5. I really need to learn how to be BRIEF :)


Ok I'm done now. Let me get back to this work before I fall even more behind.


HOLLA!!!!


-J

Overload???

I've been pacing for over 5 minutes, so I've decided to write to clear my head. I think it's crazy that only several weeks ago, I felt my life was somewhat boring and uneventful...but OHHHH BOY have things changed. At this point, I find myself with more to do in less time. I prayed for God to place big things in my life, and He is defintely delivering. I just hope I can match his pace.

I must have 100 different things flying through my head...reflecting on my first black gay pride experience( 2 thumbs up!), thinking about my mom, being there for dad, handling family business affairs, working on my thesis, teaching my classes, redecorating my room (the effort may kill me, but it's still gonna be FIRE!), handling my OWN finances, applying to PhD programs, staying in good terms with my personal training clients, keeping consistent with my OWN fitness, carving out time for friends and family, figuring out my direction with church (do I stay or do I go?), continuing to develop in spirit regardless of my church affiliation, and finally attempting to build a solid relationship to a beautiful and worthwhile man...some 2,000 miles away. Yeah, a brotha is busy.

The big question is....have I gone too far? I am notorious for over-extending myself so I'm worried. I will never be as bad as the last time, but I feel myself creeping toward that side if any more responsibility comes my way. One thing that establishes order is my schedule. In order to accomplish everything I need and want to, I am bound to a UNFORGIVING schedule. Every important thing that needs to be done, from eating breakfast in the morning to meditating or praying at night, goes into the schedule.

Now if I stick to the schedule, I'll get everything done... If I miss something or deviate from the schedule, I'm SCREWED. I consider it a blessing and a cursed...blessed that I've been given the resourcefulness to make a schedule, and cursed that my schedule sucks up 95% of my time in a day. What a trade off it is.

I can honestly say this is the busiest I've even been. But do I have a reason to complain? In spite of my hefty responsibilities, I am doing very well and much in my life is thriving. My academics couldn't be better, I'm now financially stabilized (i.e. a broke ass college student that now doesn't owe everybody money), I am considered a "highly competitive PhD candidate", my spirit is strong (but tired as HELL!), my friends haven't deserted me for neglect, and I am holding my own with this long distance situation.

NEXT TIME I NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHAT I PRAY FOR!!!! When God brings it, He don't play! I just hope I can stick with it and keep my wits and humor....nobody loves a bitter idiot :)


Sooo yeah, I'll bitch and moan from time to time, but I'm not stupid enough to whine too hard. I asked for it, and I got it! Now I just have to roll with it for as long as I can. *****SIGH*****

I'm out.