Quick lil' update

The new semester is now in full swing, and I find myself busier than ever. It's been a MINUTE since I last posted, so lemme do a quick one now, then get settled when time permits.

...I GOT MY LAPTOP!!! A Beautiful, shiny, 'sleek' Apple MacBook. I've always been a bit skeptical towards Macs, but now....I LOVE THEM!!!! They are SO easy to use, ready right out of the box, and this lil laptop is one bad MOFO! I can do everything I need to do without hassle, which is exactly what I was lookin for. Of course, I had to make my Apple collection complete with a 30 GB Ipod...I'm crossin' over the digital divide, y'all! WHAT! Thank you Darian, for encouraging me to go Apple. Now....how am I going to formally thank you???? hmm.... :)

...SCHOOL IS GOING TO KICK MY ASS. But I still love it. Classes will be manageable, but my teaching load has increased and my graduate advisor has lost his dayam mind and tried to up my GA hours. I had to break it down to him that I am not 100% right now, which means that I am putting a CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN on my free time. I'm not letting anyone infringe on my exercise time, lunch hour, or "Darian time". Unless these fools want to take a lunch meeting, pull up a pillow and a blanket for a nap, be my workout partner, or watch me call up or text my man, they can STEP OFF.

It's amazing how folks think you are being mean or standoffish when you demand that your free time remain YOUR FREE TIME. I think I just have my academic folks spoiled...i'm always Mr. Reliable. I guess I should expect folks to trip when you go from "sure i can do that!" to "ohh sorry, that's my nap time....SORRY!" LOL, I'm such a mess.


...THE CLOSET IS ALMOST EMPTY!. I came out to my Dad a few weeks ago. He tells me that he's fine with it, but I can tell that it will take him a while to grow comfortable with having a gay son. Especially one that he lives so closely among. My dad is not one to bite his tongue, and some of the questions he's asked me have been a MESS! My favorite: "What if some fine ass woman with a big ol' booty wanted to give you some? You wouldn't want none of that?!" TOO MUCH i tell you.

The next step is to come out to the church. I'm making baby steps, but I know now is the time to really see what the deal is. Pray for me.


...5 MORE DAYS TILL ATLANTA! I am beyond ready! I'm ready! I'M READY! I'm readyreadyreadyreadyreadyreadyready!

********Having a Spongebob moment**********

Ok, i'm cool. This will be my first real pride, black or otherwise. The events on the schedule should be super tight, I LOVE ATLANTA, the 'kids' will be in full effect, this is my first (and only) summer vacation trip, and I will FINALLY get to spend some extended QT with my man. It's all gonna be good! Oh yes, please believe!!

Okay, I gotta get some food and be off. More to come!

Introducing....Myself

When a deliciously sexy young man asks me to show myself off, 9 times out of 10 I'll oblige :). These pics were taken a little over a year ago. New photos are on the way, but until then, Enjoy!

One of my favorite pictures. That's my Thai Princess, Nan.


This is me with my longtime homie, Ms. Catherine Diaz-Soto
aka. "Crazy ass Cathy". Don't let the grin fool ya!


The thinking man's pose.



We havin' a Bay Area moment. GIT STOOPID! GO DUMB DUMB....


Some of my high school friends and I at Ken's going away party. DU-ROCK!!! 99!!!



Candid shot taken WITHOUT my permission!



Nan and I looking cute. See how I'm just in the picture as a prop? Sigh...i'm so exploited.


The tastiest looking reverse oreo you will ever see, LOL.



Another picture of some of the Du-Rock family. Notice the effects of the
Hurricanes have taken over Nan...messy messy messy :)


Now the Hurricanes have taken us all. The debauchery starts NOW.
I am rockin' such an alchie grin it's ridiculous.




AND FINALLY......




Even Helen's goodies on display couldn't keep me awake for
Chinese food at 2:30 am. Just not right.

More pics to come in the near future. One of these days I want to hire a professional photographer and get a portfolio done. I have no aspirations of modeling....i just think it'll be TIGHT. But when that time comes...ooohhheee! it's gonna be HOT!! Until then, the sexy stares will be shot elsewhere and the clothes will stay on. No goodie shots ova here!

Random Stream of Consciousness

A collection of my current thoughts:

...I'm soo excited about remodeling my room! It's about damn time I do something with it, and considering I'll be living at home longer than expected, a change is in order.

...My friends are the bomb, i swear. Just the mention of this remodel project prompted a random trip to Home Depot to select a paint color (it's gonna be HOT!), buy primer and spackle, and buy a new door for the bathroom. My girl Nan is even gonna hook me up with her furniture guy, who has some NICE stuff. There is no way i can afford his stuff (read: IKEA/garage sale budget), but with that lovely "Thai Discount", it's all good!

...Noah's Arc returns tonight!!!!! U KNOW! This premiere party is gonna be the bomb!

...this new workout plan is kickin' my ass! The physical therapy and weight training is coo, but the cardio is killin me. I can see why Black folks shy away from the pool...it's just not right! Oh how I wish I could just dance it all off like i used to!!! sigh....in due time.

....as much as I love it, Flickr is da DEVIL! I spent waaay too much time scanning and posting pictures last night.

...I go visit Mom's grave with Nan tomorrow. I will probably cry...A lot.

...i gotta think of something nice to do for the funeral home...they have been GREAT throughout all this.

...I unintentionally outed myself...AGAIN! This sunday at church is going to be VERY interesting...at least I'll know if Ritz and Rachel have big mouths or not.

...I think my dad wants to have "The Talk" again. I think he's ready for me to bring it up.

....My mentor just handed this to me. Please support this organization by checking out their website, and possibly making a donation. Be sure to watch the trailer.
www.standntruth.org

...Man, I'm blessed to be working with this woman. I love that we have so much in common, and that she is an open book. I feel I can ask her anything; professional, academic, or personal, and she'd give me a straight up answer. A hell of a mentor, I tell ya!

...As much as I love reading, reading journal articles and research proposals SUCKS!!! These people need to speak and write in simple talk, please! I did learn a few cool words though... don't the word "salient"(pronounced say-lee-ent) just sound hot?

...I need a good head rub, amongst other things :) Some people melt over foot massages, toe sucking, or receiving hickeys. I loves me a good head rub.

...I caught an episode of Bravo channel's new show, "Workout". I liked it! A couple of those trainers are a hot mess tho. Most of them know their ish though...i will say that.

...I miss kissing too. I hope I don't suck when I get an opportunity to kiss someone...i'm out of practice.

...3 more weeks till Atlanta! The anticipation builds! I hope Ted can square away that free room, cuz my pockets are still blazin from that plane ticket.

...Should I join this Singles Ministry at church? Will they want me to join after they know I date men? Why is who i date such a big damn deal to some folks?

...I need to bring back my nightly prayer and scripture reading sessions. I can square away 20 minutes at the end of my day for the Lord...that's not too much to ask.

...I love to party, but promoting events is BOO HISS. Why did I agree to be the "Social Chair" amongst my internship and institute cohorts?

...but my efforts have paid off! Saturday night, it's going down MTPCCR style!!

...and what the hell kind of word is 'cohort'? Sounds like a linguistics person was smokin' that stuff and decided to make up his own word for the hell of it. Cohort....psssh.

...My brother apologized for being rude about the phone bill. I'm glad he did cuz I was about to get really Scorpio on his azz.

...I talked to my brother Darren for like an hour as I drove to work. I'm happy for his success in Arizona, but I wish he was here in CA.

...I've completed my schedule for the Fall semester. GAG. My graduate advisor about halfway lost his damn mind when I cut my GA hours in half. I was gonna quit altogether, but that would'nt be fair to him or the participants. Why I gotta be so damn nice all the time?! Oh well.

...I need to find that African vendor from LA pride who had those nice bedroom pieces....i'm tryin to have my room lookin TIGHT!

...If financial aid gets my money wrong this time, my razor is comin' out the backpack. I will cut a bitch over money that's already mine, please believe!

...It's 2:00...my stomach wants food. I'mma go handle that.

-J.

A Great Day!

(Me acting a fool on a good day several years ago)

I had a great day on Monday. I wasn't expecting any fireworks, dramatics or anything....but I got some!

The goodness started at work. After nearly losing my life to the Mercedescized, crackheaded drivers of Westwood, I arrived at UCLA to begin a day of final planning for the project I'm currently working on. Before I could start work, I had to go to a follow-up appointment with an eye doctor. The doctor recommended I start wearing corrective lenses for one eye, but other than that my tests came back normal. Whew.

I arrived in the office a few hours later, to find my supervisor waiting for me. My internship supervisor is also my future doctorate mentor, so she and I are mad cool with each other. We had a progress meeting, and she gave me MAD PROPS on my work!! WOOHHOOO! I'm confident in my abilities, but it's always nice to receive confirmation of your skills from an external source. The exercise program I've been working on is being well received by everybody she has introduced it to, and we have received requests ALREADY for copies of the program.

Not only did she give my progress a thumbs up, she informed me that we would be receiving a Minority Supplement salary that would allow me to continue working on the project during the school year AND get paid nicely for it. I swear my giddy ass skipped a few times on the way to lunch.

After a nice, trainer-friendly meal of Thai food, I went back to work to finish the day. I ran into one of the PhD students I'll be working with, and she gave me some great advice about the application process. I'm so relieved that students in this program are collaborative in demeanor and not vicious or ultra-competitive.

Work went by quickly, and I couldn't have been happier. I was being productive, in good spirits, and ready to get my workout on. After work, I went straight to the gym on campus. Before stepping in, I made a call to a "friend" of mine to solidify our plans for the night.

I've known of this gentleman for a handful of weeks. I unknowingly crossed paths with him very recently, and decided to get a little bold and ask him out. He said yes, and I once again was giddy as a schoolboy :) Dude was looking real good in person and on paper, and I looked forward to learning what he was all about.




After a decent workout (gym was too crowded, and the gymroom ettiquette of college-aged men is HORRIBLE....grrrr), I set out to meet my guy. We met on the street in front of his job, and my first thought was hmm...good looking guy. Head up, shoulders back, approached me with confidence, nice smile...so far so good. We headed to a restaurant nearby to get better acquainted.

I believe our time together went very well. At first I could tell we were both a little nervous, but I quickly pushed that aside. I had been wanting to meet this guy for some weeks and now was my chance, so feeling anxious was not an option. As we both settled into each other, the conversation became much easier and more natural. Over the course of our 2 hours, I found him to be intelligent, articulate, passion-driven, spiritually centered, and an overall friendly guy. Physically, I was happy with what I saw. I only wish he didn't hide that smile. It was beautiful gleaming against his chocolate skin. Very nice.

Once I got really comfortable, the flirtations started...I tried to behave, but I have trouble doing that when I'm feeling someone on several levels. He seemed to like it, so it was all good :)

After dinner, we walked around a little bit. I wanted to spend more time with him, but I had to be up SUPER early the next morning. After a pass around the block, we proceeded to the parking lots to retrieve our cars and call it a night. While in his car, I decided to tell him how I really felt about him. I thought, what the hell, why not? We ended the night on a good note, and promised to connect really soon. Needless to say that by the end of the night, I was in a very good place.

I hope I get a chance to know this guy. Over the past year I've been disappointed over and over with the men I've dated. I'd been selling myself short. I consider myself a man of high quality, and I deserve to be connected to other men of high quality. I knew that they were out there, and this guy proves it. With that in mind, I'm very excited about what the future has in store for me.

In terms of the men I choose to associate with romantically, I'm hitting a turning point. This selling oneself short shit is for DA BIRDS, and I'm through with it. If anything, this new guy has shown me that with patience and a little assertiveness, finding a decent guy is very much a possibility. I'll leave the hot messes for the next guy. Once you've driven a Jaguar, it's hard to go back to a Yugo...believe that.

So yeah, a great day on Tuesday! A little bit of drama popped off in the midst of it all, but I'll save that for later. Off to work!

-J

Being the Rock...a blessing and a pain

It's funny...I never thought, at 24, I'd be in a position of leadership in my family. Don't get me wrong, I knew the responsibility was coming...but not this soon. I expected a little bit of time, at least my 20's, to be able to spend being self-centered with my time and energy. I guess that's not the plan God had for me. Whomever made the expression about the youngest of the family being the 'baby' and the 'spoiled one' is a DAMN LIE! Hell, spoil me with attention and free me from obligation...I wouldn't mind one bit! But hey, we all have our roles in life, and I guess this is mine...that of the "Rock" of the family.

Before my mom passed, my role was much easier to handle. She was the matriarch, CFO and pretty much the H.N.I.C. My dad was the keeper of the house, protector, and counselor. I was the 'Pacifist'. My job was basically to keep peace and balance in the family...keep my parents from burning out, set a good example for the nieces and nephews, handle disputes and drama between and with the siblings, and serve as the "master brain" when the circumstances required. I liked my 'job' and was good at it. And folks in my family became accustomed to me in that role.

NOW, I find myself having to step up and assume many of the responsibilities Mom held. It's a big job, but somebody has to do it. Hell, I was handpicked by the H.N.I.C. personally so I don't have much of an option :).

I'm not even gonna lie...this shit is TOUGH! I give props to all the 'Rocks', 'Patriarchs', 'Matriarchs', and 'Big Mammas' out there because DAMN, you all are amazing. My father and I met with a financial advisor to get our house in order, and we spend over 2 HOURS just scratching the surface of trying to figure out how my mother handled the money and actually finding all of her assets, liabilities, and expenses of the house. After that meeting, I was like "crap....what am I getting myself into?". I'm not fretting though...our financial advisor is very talented, patient, and willing to teach me how to keep everything under control with efficiency. A true blessing indeed.

Shit gets even tougher when it comes to dealing with family....OOOH LAWD HOW DID I NOT KNOW FOLKS COULD BE SO TRIFLIN AND SHADY!!! I can't BELIEVE some of the craziness and hot mess some of my family brings to the table. I don't see how my mom was able to deal with these fools without turning into an evil spiteful biotch or RUNNING LIKE HELL. She was definitely a bulldog, and now I see why...you would have to be to filter through the straight up BULLSHIT that some people are working on. I could get into examples, but I'm not trying to win any awards with this and I don't feel the need to be even more long winded :).

Another interesting shift in our family's dynamics is occuring. I find myself as less of a 'Pacifist' and more of a 'Regulator'. Folks are NOT taking too kindly to this. So far, I've had to regulate on just about all of my brothers, my sister, three of my cousins, my crazy ass aunt (sweet jeezus help her), my former sister in-law, and even my father for not having their shit together or living up to their promises. I get the feeling they are shocked by my change in demeanor, and a little put off by being 'read' by somebody younger than them. I still communicate with tact, but lately i've been all about the business, my tolerance for bullshit being EXTREMELY LOW. Some folks don't quite understand why I gotta be like that... and they are taking it very personally.

For example...i get a letter in the mail from Cingle-Bar Wireless :). Turns out my brother has a past due balance, and has racked up over 550 minutes in overages, making the bill a grand total of about $650.00. Keep in mind that his cell phone is in my mother's name because his credit is so jacked up. His lack of consideration and discipline has become OUR financial responsibility. I call him up to inform him of the bill. He gets defensive and starts rattling off these excuses as to why he over-called. I listen for a minute, interrupt and say "That's great D, but is that my problem? The problem is that you didn't pay your bill and got sloppy with your minutes. How are we going to fix this?" He suggests that I pay the bill for him cuz' he's 'a lil' short this month'. I responded with a 'HELL TO THE NAW!' and proposed that he allow Cingular to disconnect the phone, get the account changed to his name, pay his own damn bill in whatever way he chooses, and opt for a pre-paid Boost Mobile if he needs a phone. Well...he proceeded to attempt ripping me a new one for "telling him what to do" and "getting in his business". I'm thinking...WTF! If you would have done what you were supposed to (aka. pay your bills and get off the damn phone) I wouldn't have to read your 35-year old grown ass!

I wish my folks understood that in order for me to take on these added responsibilities, my time must be used as efficiently as possible. I'm attempting to juggle school, work, the house, and my own personal affairs all at the same time...I don't have the time or the energy to deal with stupid ish or unneccesary crap. If I come off as a prick, it's because I feel irritated that you arent doing your portion of the work and are forcing me to work harder. I'm sorry if being like that isn't "like me"...but it's the only way I know how to get your attention. Times have changed, all of our roles have shifted, and it is up to ALL OF US to mobilize and keep this family functioning. And don't be so friggin' sensitive when I bring something up! I'm not being a bitch on purpose, so stop making me out to be the asshole.

UGH....responsibility. A blessing, AND a pain in my ass. Pray for my strength and sanity, y'all.
And while you're at it, pray for a brotha to get some lovin' too. I ain't had much of anything in that department in a minute, and a brotha is feeling the withdrawals :) Maybe getting some action and affection would have me chill the f**k out....sigh...only time well tell.

Out.