Smile for the Cameras!

Some recent pictures in Jammie's World....Enjoy!



I think this one may go in the portfolio...whenever I decide to make one, lol.



Taken on New Years after much wine and champagne!



My first ballroom experience. Taken with Father Taz Ultra-Omni. This man is FINE!



The L.A. Blacks and I at the ball...where are the sex sirens!?



Testing out my new digital. The slightly unkempt look...



The customary mirror picture



Taken at the MTPCCR Summer Institute



My university's representatives at the institute...minus Tiffany :( Love these folks!



A few of my students at the end of our class. I'm such a damn fool lol.

I swear, having a digital camera is like the greatest thing since sliced bread. Expect more candid shots in the future!

My List of Blessings

Here's a few items on my list...


1. I am blessed to know what true friendship feels like. I mean that I'll bail you out of jail, cuss you out when you need it, listen to your problems until you're done talking, give you love anytime anyplace i don't give a damn who's watching kind of friendship. Deliberately and consequentially, my friends have been put to the test...and they have passed with flying colors. I've learned to honor and appreciate my true friendships, and I thank God everyday that my friends tolerate my complex behind :)


2. I am blessed because I do what I love everyday. Although I may complain about how demanding my education and budding career may be, I don't bitch too loud. Everyday, I have an opportunity to directly impact the minds and health of hundreds of people. My passions are health promotion, fitness, food, and teaching, and I get to do all three on a daily basis. Just the other day, a student of mine came to me in tears because she was recently injured and couldn't participate in my class. Do you know how great it felt to be able to give her a hug, reassure her that she would pull through everything ok, and even arrange to have her injury assessed and treated by some of the best physical therapists in the area? I received an e-mail that she got a final verdict on the injury (badly sprained ACL), will be receiving an excellent rehab program, and she is no longer depressed about her situation, but empowered and determined to heal quickly.

Now THAT'S why I feel blessed. I was able to give this girl hope and turn a crappy situation into an optimistic one.

I wake up every morning and look forward to my job. That's a blessing.


3. I am blessed to be in good health. When I say health I mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I consider it a blessing to be able to exercise and move around everyday. I receive so much joy from movement and exercise, and I don't know what I would do if that was some day taken away from me. Although I have a nagging knee condition that restricts me from going too hardcore, it's slowly getting better and I'm confident that I will be 100% again. Mentally, I am blessed to have all of my faculties and not have the burden of mental illness unlike so many of my family members. Emotionally, I am blessed to have command of my emotions and have little fear or reservations about expressing them freely. Spiritually, I am divinely favored to have found faith in God. My faith in Him has gotten me through the hardest times in my life, and I'd be a fool not to consider that a blessing.


4. My family is a blessing. Okay, these negroes can be a straight HOT ASS MESS at times and work my reserve nerve but they are still a blessing. More than anything, my family keeps me grounded. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably be some stuck up, Uncle Tom, saddity, excessively bourgeosie Black man desperate to assimilate and acculturate to European-Anglo societal norms. Which could very easily happen considering how culturally dry and conservative many aspects of academia and health science can be.

Also, my family has taught me how to get ETHNIC at the drop of a hat if somebody attempts to severely disrespect me. I will turn ghetto in a hot minute if somebody crosses too far over the line, and I owe that almost entirely to my family.


5. My openness is a blessing. I have no problem sharing my past or present experiences with others. Ever since I cleaned out the last few skeletons in my closet, I can communicate with anybody about any aspect of my life without shame, insecurity, or fear.

This is not to be confused with being completely transparent. Sure, my personality has many layers and I have a facade just like everybody else. However, I can become transparent quite easily.

If a person respects who I am, is willing to be honest and forthright about their own life, and is willing to dedicate time to observe and listen, my life is an OPEN BOOK. And I LOVE THAT about myself. I want people to KNOW who I am, just like I want to know who they are.


Those were a few of the things on my list of blessed. In what ways do you feel blessed?

Have You Counted Your Blessings Lately?

Have you ever just sat down and thought about your life, as a collective whole? Would you consider yourself BLESSED? Sometimes in the midst of all of our trivial and not so trivial dramas, daily challenges, grief, past heartaches, and chronic frustrations we forget to keep the GOOD things in our lives at the forefront of our minds. I am definitely guilty of this. When things are not going the way I WANT them to go, or different from how I FEEL they should go, I can be one pessimistic mofo. I'm learning how destructive dwelling on the negative can be, and how LIBERATING it is to just LET THAT GO and focus on something POSITIVE.

The events I experienced last weekend and throughout this week have encouraged me to focus more on what I consider my 'blessings'. When I think clearly about it, I can say that I am TRULY BLESSED.

Last weekend was one of the best weekends for me in months. After a long day of paying bills, chores, resolving family issues, and studying, I treated myself to a little fun. My collegue and friend Ricardo was hosting a 27th birthday party. I was given fair warning that his party are a MUST ATTEND event, so I was super juiced about going. Now I don't know how many of you out there have ever been to a REAL Latino party...but if you haven't you betta get with the program! Guaranteed good food, all the drinks you could want, and enough dancing make you sore the next morning...now that's what I'm talkin' about! Anyways, as I expected, the party surpassed my expectations. Ricardo and his family were so warm and inviting, spending time with each person at the party and taking shots and dancing with whomever was interested. Although my Latin dance skills are a bit suspect, I was still pulled on the dance floor and worked over until I was sweaty and parched.

I could rave on and on about other details, but I'll just skip to the relevant stuff. At one point during the party, Ricardo and his mother were seated along with a few of us that go to school together. I was touched by how close and loving they are to each other. Well they both were a bit tipsy but their display was hardly alcohol-driven. You could see the love there. Ms. Lopez went on to tell us about the struggle she and her husband had raising Ricardo and 2 other sons as immigrant workers. She expressed so much pride in her family and her son excelling in higher education. Ricardo countered by saying "there is no damn way I would have any of those degrees on the wall if I didn't my parents and my family. We all have NO OPTION but to work our asses off and rise to the top, because our parents worked so hard to even give us half a chance to have a better life." Those words really hit home for me. Ricardo then told his mother about how I recently lost my mother. This woman, whom I had met only one previous time, came over to me, brought me into her arms, and held me as if she were my own mother.

At that point, I just lost it. The swell of emotion in me crashed, and I lost it right there in front of everybody at the party. People I had never known before that night saw me at my weakest. Ricardo's entire immediate family, from his father to his girlfriend, came to me and consoled me. No questions asked, no weird looks, no disgusted faces, just an outpouring of sympathy and love.

And after i was done crying my eyes out, I took a shot with everybody and danced some cumbia ;). Good times.

The next day was 'family day'. After church, my sister and I managed to get a small gathering of our family together for sunday dinner and to celebrate my Dad's birthday. I wanted this day to be special, so I spoiled him with these FIERCE Kenneth Cole shoes, handmade candles, and a collection of about 15 of his favorite artists' albums (still in progress). The dinner was great, and it almost felt like old times again.

Those two events made me realize how good God has been to me. Since that weekend, I've been thinking of my blessings. I've found that creating this list lifts my spirits and makes even the shittiest of circumstances not so bad. I urge you all, especially those of you holding onto more negativity than you know is necessary, to count your blessings and make a list.

The list is soon to come...

Our Deepest Fear

After I calmed down from my bad dream I thought watching a DVD would help me fall back asleep. I popped in "Akeelah and the Bee", a title I picked up on an impulse trip to Tar-get. It was such a GREAT movie, i ended up watching the whole thing. It was exactly the positive and affirming message I needed to move past my turbulent night of sleep.



As much as I found the entire plot and storyline enjoyable and relevant, one scene took the cake for me. Upon the urging of her new spelling coach, Dr. Larabee, Akeelah reads this quote, which sets the tone for the entire movie:



Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are

powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We

ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who

are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the

world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel

insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make

manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in

everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence

automatically liberates others.”

Ms. Williamson's words help me face the doubt and insecurity I hold concerning my academic future and my growing responsibility within this family.

I found these words so powerful, they are posted on my wall. Everytime I wake up, I'll be reminded of the importance of affirming your greatness by embracing it and expecting success.

I hope this brilliant poem, along with "Akeelah and the Bee" finds its way into your homes and hearts.

Death returns....to haunt me.

On Tuesday night I couldn't sleep. After a long day of classes, teaching, and training clients, I came home and promptly fell out on my bed, completely exhausted. At about 2 am, I woke up startled, shaken, and horribly upset. I started crying and I couldn't stop.

For the last few months I've had several of these bad dreams. For some reason, I keep replaying the last 4 days of my mother's life. Living through those days felt like a blur, but in these dreams they are replaying in SLOW MOTION. And it hurts...a lot.

I never thought in my wildest dreams I'd ever have to stare death in the eye, let alone with my own mother. The last time I saw my mother while she was responsive was on Friday, July 7th, 2006. It was about 6:00 am, and I was on my way to UCLA for my internship. By this point Mom was too tired to deal with keeping track of the bills, so I offered my help. That morning, she reviewed all of the bills and checks I wrote out, signing them when she was satisfied. I tell ya, she was about the business all the way until the end...Anyway, I remember jumping in the bed between her and my dad, giving her a hug and kiss, and telling her "I love you" and "Make sure you eat something good today". She responded with..."I love you too", and "i'll try to get something down". With that, I was off.

On that Friday, my mother was strong enough to sit up, pay some bills, read me the way only a black mother could, and kiss me goodbye.

At about 11 that morning, I started having another one of my 'eye headaches'. Ever since my senior year of high school, I have these irritating headaches whenever I'm stressed out or overworked. Refusing to ignore this episode, I head down to the Medical Center to get myself checked out. 8 hours in the ER later, I'm seen by a doctor and admitted to the hospital for observation and tests. I spent Friday Night in the hospital.

Bright and early Saturday morning I decide to call the house to check in. My dad answered the phone in HYSTERICS.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Jammie where are you! Your mama is not doing well! I helped her to the bathroom and she fell! When she was in there she fell again! Man I'm going crazy I can't deal with all this!!".

After having a mini-anxiety attack, I refocus and tell my dad to call our neighbor who happens to be a head nurse at County USC. He calms down, and I become the dispatcher. I call up all the brothers and sister to get their asses over there and stop playing games. I get a call from our neighbor, and she lets me know she had everything under control. I am relieved, but unsettled. I had to get the hell out of this hospital and QUICK.

I finally was released (all test negative) late Saturday afternoon. The doctors relate my symptoms to stress and tell me to "calm down". What a fucking joke that was. As I'm driving home, everything got eerily quiet. This has happened before, so I knew what was up. This is how God gets my attention. The message I received was "Get ready, and be strong". I drive up to my house. It looks as if there's a damn block party on my street with all the cars. "What the hell is going on?", I'm thinking. I walk in, and I see all my siblings, some aunts and nieces, a few cousins, the neighbors, and a nurse. I immediately start to tear up and ask "What is this?".

The nurse takes my hand and leads me to my brother's old room. In there, I find my Dad sobbing over this nearly lifeless shell of a woman. My mother. One of my best friends and source of strength. I walk forward, and almost faint from what I saw. Pale, still, skin warm and sweaty. Face screwed into a grimace. Breathing tubes, catheters, IV's. A desperate gasp for air every 10 seconds or so. This was my fucking MOTHER, Annie Mae Hopkins, a bad ass black woman from Pasadena, sitting here with both feet in the grave. I was two seconds away from a core meltdown before I remembered God's instructions. "Get ready, and be strong". I got myself together, and let God take over.

First were the instructions. The family had made a choice...Mom was in so much pain they decided to sedate her with coma-inducing morphine. Along with the IV drugs, a single pill of 'breakthrough' morphine every 4 hours to keep the sedation strong. No food allowed, only water. Food would easily choke her, and solid food would not digest anyway. The fan had to be left on at all times, or else she may overhead. She had to be turned every 2 hours to prevent bedsores. Every 30 minutes or so, a few drops of citrus juice to keep her mouth moist.

When people say death is a process, they are NOT lying. It IS. For the next 2 days, I saw my mother's vital signs gradually wittle away. Less and less natural breathing...it's a process of death, and the morphine depresses the respiratory system. Very little fidgeting and moving around...the body is conserving energy to support the vital organs. Intelligible whispers and moans slowly start to fade away to silence. Except when we attempt to turn her. When we lift her delicate head and limbs, she suddenly comes alive and winces and cries loud enough for people in the front room to hear. Her face twisted in a severe grimace tears my heart to shreds. But it must be done. She made me promise that we would all go the distance. And we did.

Monday, July 10th 2006. Noon. The breathing stops. Ventilator placed to 100%. The hospice nurses call the "palliative care team". They are the end of road. They come and do the rounds this day. Vitals, medication check, bathing, and new bedding, a family meeting, and they are off.

2pm. Susan, the social worker, visits. She was great. She broke down the entire process. The imminent signs of death. Who to call. How long it will take them to come. Do we want last rites assigned? The preparation of the body for removal from the house. "In many cases, seeing the body leave is worse than the actual death" she says. She was right.

4pm. Medication and a turn. I placed the tiny pill inside her cheek, where it would dissolve. A small portion of water goes in the mouth. Half of it spills out. A small inhilation turns into a slurp as the water and pills washes down. As we turn her, she fights us. We leave her be.

6:09pm. I'm on this very computer, typing an IM to Reginald I believe. My dad calls out to me in a mournful tone "Jammie, come in here. I think it's time". I rush into the room.

6:15pm. After saying my final goodbyes and gathering up my remaining strength, I put on my professional hat. Somebody needed to check the vitals one last time, and I was the one to do it. Breathing...nothing. Skin...cold and clammy. Shit. Pulse...nothing. Heartbeat...nothing. Response to pain...not a flinch. As I pull out my mini-flashlight, I pray there is something there. I open her eyes and shine the light. Looking back at me were two large brown pupils. Refusing to contract. Fixed and dilated.

6:21pm. I check everything again. Nothing. It's over. My dad utters the saddest, most desperate wail I've ever heard. I can still hear it. I never want to hear something like that again.

11:30. The funeral home arrives, ready to take my mother away. They remove the remaining hospital equipment. They delicately wrap her in a clean white sheet before pulling out a clear body bag. They offer their condolences before they leave. As the van door closes and they drive away, a ball of grief begins to swell within me. Five minutes later, I suffer a meltdown.


On five separate occasions i've suffered from flashbacks of one or several of these events over that 4 day period. I don't know what they mean, but I know for certain that I DON'T LIKE THEM.

This past Tuesday was different, though......

I should be writing my thesis proposal...

I know it's been a minute since i last contributed to blogopia, but don't worry! I'm almost ready to resurface. My schedule has been BUSY since the semester started, and I should be back in commission and acclimated to this hot mess of a schedule by Wednesday. Just so you all know, all is well, my spirits are HIGH, and I'm takin' care of business!

But before I go...i just gotta put this out there...

I'm listening to Justin Timberlake's newest album, FutureSex/LoveSounds. I had the opportunity to see him in concert a few weeks back, and was pleasantly surprised by his musicianship and showmanship.



After experiencing Justin live, and now finally settling down to listen to his latest creation, I can't help but say...this is about the GAYEST album I've ever listened to. From "Summer Love" to "SexyBack"(ohh lawd ESPECIALLY SexyBack), I keep hearing in the back of my head Wendy Williams chanting an oh so clever "HOW UUUU DOIN??" Every time I hear Sexy Back, I want dip, twirl, and do a runway walk ballroom rockstar style :) And EVERY TIME I hear something from this album played at a gathering or club, the KIDS queen out and act a plumb fool!

Now I won't make any claims or accusations of JT's sexuality (like it really matters), but I must say he was definitely giving it to the children on this one! Every time I hear "girl" uttered, it makes me wanna giggle and say "boy please!"

Needless to say, I LOVE the CD, in all of its gay-lite delight! GO IN JUSTIN, LET HAVE!

2007: Building Foundations

Okay...I've just recently come out of my seasonal "period of reflection". Ever so often I'll sit myself down, withdraw from everything (and unfortunately everyone) in my periphery, and brood. I use these times to think out loud, organize my thoughts, pray, reconnect with "me", and formulate a battle plan for the future.

2006 was a very INTENSE year for me. I knew going in it would be crazy, but I never would have imagined the year would be so...so....volatile. I can honestly say that 2006 pushed me farther emotionally, spiritually, socially, and intellectually than I have ever been before. Of course, the journey has strengthened me in those areas, however I walk away from 2006 feeling disconnected in a way. So many things have changed, it feels as if I stand in the aftermath of a tsunami. It's a weird feeling.



I'm thinkin 2007 will be the year to build or re-build several foundations in my life that have been compromised, altered, or thrashed by the tsunami of 06. I'm a true believer in the power behind having a strong, stable foundation to live on...you have too much to lose if you don't have solid ground to stand on before you put in some serious work. So yes, it's time to build some foundations baby!!!

Let's start this off with the foundation of FAMILY....

OHH LAWD 2006 had me fucked up as far as family is concerned. The death of my mother DRASTICALLY changed the dynamic of our family. You see, on both sides of the family we have this thing I like to call the "Matriarch Complex". Every generation, there is always one person that serves as the glue that holds the family together. Family reunions, holidays, birthdays, weddings...this person coordinates all that stuff. Everybody in the family looks to this 'matriarch' to handle all the family details, serve as the peacemaker, offer guidance when their shit goes awry, and unload responsibility upon when things get 'too hard'.



Now, once the matriarch passes away (and the scary thing is that the last 3 matriarchs didn't live past 60...a coincedence?) all hell will break loose in the family until somebody steps up to become the new Matriarch (or patriarch in my case). And the cycle continues. Now I've known since grade school that I've been groomed to become the next leader of the family. My parents made it very clear that I was the "one". I was the one that stayed out of trouble, had common sense, went to college, blah blah blah. They invested time and money to develop my skills, dare I say more so than the rest of my siblings. I accepted the responsibility early on, feeling obligated to reciprocate for all the support my parents offered me.

I thought I knew what I was getting into....shieettt! I never would have thought all these negroes up in my family line would act so damn trifling and irresponsible once the shit hit the fan. At the present moment, I find myself having to deal with a grieving father on a daily basis, handling the business of not one but two households, serving as a legal conservator for my schizophrenic aunt, and co-coordinating the effort to sell my grandmother's house. I'm starting to think this whole "Patriarch" shit is for the birds. Who the hell finds themselves as a "Big Momma" (Poppa) at age 25? I don't think I have what it takes to be the sole H.N.I.C., so I gotta find a solution.



The first family FOUNDATION will be to establish healthy boundaries between my personal life and family obligations. I don't mind being the representative for the family, but I'll be damned if I do all the work behind it when there are able bodied, grown ass adults that can pitch in. In 2007, I'll focus on organizing all of the details, dragging folks out of the shadows, and appointing them to handle a piece of the puzzle. If they don't feel comfortable with their role, I'll work with them until they get it. My sister has already stepped up to the plate, which has been great. Now I gotta work on my father and brothers...lawd help me.



The second FOUNDATION will be a physical separation from the family. It is pretty clear that I CANNOT live in close proximity to everybody. Right now I live at home with my father, and I am way too accessible. I've committed to staying in house until June, at which point I'm movin my ass to my own apartment in Los Angeles. I need my own life, my own living space, and a TRANQUIL living environment...especially if I'm expected to handle all this family ish without shooting somebody or resulting to the crack for escape.

Up next...the SOCIAL foundation.

When the Venom rises

For some reason, I've been hung up on dating and relationships lately. Maybe it's the fact that an overwhelming majority of my close friends are either in a committed relationship, engaged, or married...i couldn't tell you. Regardless, I've been thinking a lot about where I stand romantically, and I've been reminiscing over my love life this past year. 2006 was the year I started truly coming into my own as a black gay man, and it's been a rough time dealing with men in the romantic sense.

I've learned a lot this year about how this whole dating thing works, and frankly...i'm starting to become a little jaded. I easily rolled the hot messes, idiots, and straight up assholes I've entertained this past year...been there, done that, never again. However, the one guy I had strong feelings for...I still haven't gotten over that shit. I hate to admit it, but that whole experience has left me hurt and afflicted. I guess I masked my feelings and reactions as a defense mechanism when we initially stopped seeing each other, but ohh boy those emotions I choked down are starting to bubble to the surface. In an effort to be the "bigger man" and turn the other cheek, I shortchanged myself emotionally. Now I'm dealing with some serious backlash, and I'm having a hard time channeling it.

To sum it all up, I met somebody whom I thought was exactly what I was looking for...intelligent, attractive, ambitious, talented, and amiable. We hit it off, formed a bond, and started seeing a lot of each other. Very early in the 'relationship' a challenged presented itself, but we agreed to stay together and try to develop what we had. Six weeks later, we reunited, and the shit hit the fan. I got hit with something totally out of left field, and by the end of my trip, we called it off.

To clarify, I don't feel hurt because the relationship didn't work out. It was a very accelerated courtship, it was my first gay relationship, and we where presented with a host of challenges from jump. Basically, it was a long shot at best. What hurts the most is that I feel like I was completely SHORTCHANGED. It hurt then, but now it PISSES ME OFF like nobody's business. I gave my time, emotions, energy, strength, body, and finances to that relationship for it to all blow up in my face. I honestly feel like I was played the fool, toyed with emotionally, lied to, and then humiliated when it all ended. I never really got closure on the whole experience, and I'm now allowing myself to feel the VENOM. I know that I've accumulated some baggage from this relationship, and that PISSES ME OFF even more...that I let something so short-lived get to me.

Just thinking about how generous I was to this man, without even demanding reciprocity, upsets me. Just thinking about how I looked forward to his company or conversation after a hard and challenging day upsets me. Thinking about how I selflessly became emotionally available to his needs even at a time when I was facing one of the most emotionally and mentally traumatic moments of my life, infuriates me. Thinking about how I went out of my way to make our "first time" a moment to remember pisses me off. Recalling how excited I was making those preparations angers me. Remembering how much pleasure I felt from being able to please him also makes me mad. When we were faced with our challenge, I took it all in stride and did what I was felt was necessary to make HIS transition a smooth one.

But ohh boy, what really gets me livid is how it all came to an end. How I dropped everything I had on my plate...my classes, my work schedule, time with friends and family, to take a "vacation" to reunite with him and resume our relationship in person. How I invested time and money I didn't really have just to spend quality time with my man. How I counted the days in anticipation of us seeing each other again. How I sat in nervous delight while on the plane. And when I arrived and we were reunited, I was greeted with...ambivalence...hesitancy...lack of emotion...a half-assed hug. When I settled into where I stayed for the trip, I heard the crickets...awkward silences. I almost felt like an unwanted guest. I could go on, but I'd just be doing overkill and the details just piss me off even further. After 2 days of neglect, we had 'the talk'. I'm getting mixed signals, and I wanna know what the hell is going on. I tell him where I stand, and I ask him where he stands. I ask for honesty and directness. He gives it to me.

The verdict...the challenges we faced were becoming a bit too much to handle, his heart was not in it anymore, and he wanted to break up. That's understandable. Here's the KICKER...he knew this at least a week before I arrived. WTF!!! and OUCH.

If anything, all I ever asked for was honesty, integrity, and respect. I wasn't keeping a tally on who was reciprocating what...i didn't have to be the center of attention. All I asked was that my efforts and affections be recognized, and that they not be taken advantage of or slighted...the ball is in your court concerning how you respond to what i'm throwing out. I get played for a damn fool for my efforts. AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT.

I don't hate the person I was with...at all. In all honesty, I think he's a great person and I am excited for what he is going to bring to the world. I'm still a fan of his work. What I hate is how he handled me. The way this went down was FUCKED UP and FOUL, and I feel like I got played. Maybe it was my own fault...for giving too much of myself to somebody who couldn't respect what I was giving. Maybe I was the fool for just expecting some level of reciprocity and not outright demanding it. Maybe I let my emotions get ahead of my logical thinking? Who the hell knows..all I do know is that I've had some time to process everything and I'm still MAD AS HELL ABOUT IT. Mad that I feel like I was disrespected, and mad that I can't just let it go and move on like everything is peachy.

Now that I've expressed that I'm pissed, I'm not sure what to do with this energy. Besides venting to friends and my journal, I've done nothing to channel my resentment. I'm worried because if I internalize this, I will become an evil bitch, accumulate more baggage, and do or say something scandalous. I'm not one for shade, sabotage, or trickery (those are Trent's words, not mind), but if I get done the wrong way and I dont let it go, I can be that person.

Hopefully I'll think of something...because I need to be done with this so I can focus on the more positive things in my life and not dwell on something so not worth my energy. Okay, I'm done for now.

Sorry I had to air my dirty laundry, but I don't give a f**k. This is my space, and I had some shit to say. Any advice is much appreciated.

The Scorpio Syndrome

As much as I enjoy who I am as a person, sometimes I HATE being a SCORPIO. Sometimes the depth of character, intensity, and the sexual energy we Scorpios exude is a BURDEN to deal with. Allow me to explain...

I'm at a point in my life where I am seeing a clear picture of the person I'd like to become and the path I wish to follow. I take pride in the fact that I am kind, generous, dedicated, giving, humorous, very friendly and amiable, faithful, and affectionate. I love to give to others not because I expect something in return...something in my spirit drives me to do such. I treat people, even strangers, with the upmost dignity because too many people in the world treat others like shit and I'd like to be treated with dignity and respect. I have a tendency to be touchy because I'm naturally a tactile person and I believe that people (especially Black folks) need more casual touches, kisses, and hugs...that machismo crap is for the birds in my eyes. I become very focused on my goals because I understand that nothing substancial is given to you without some effort. Even though I'm serious about life, I enjoy crackin jokes, laughing my ass off, and acting a hot mess when it's play time...life is too damn short to be all stiff and stoic. I love being a 'nice guy', and wouldn't have it any other way.

When it comes to dating, men, and relationships, I offer all of these qualities. Unfortunately, something is getting lost in the equation or misunderstood. Although I consider myself a "catch", I rarely attract the men I want to catch me (or the ones I want to catch). I attribute some of this problem to what I call the "Scorpio Syndrome". Scorpios are notorious for being flirtatious, sexual, and magnetic. These qualities are all good, but unfortunately those of us that possess these qualities give off the wrong vibe....well what I consider the wrong vibe. Instead of the "I am a beautiful person with much to offer you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually", vibe I'd LIKE to send out, I seem to be giving off this "I'm hot in the ass I want to fuck without abandon" vibe. Where the hell is this coming from?



Don't get me wrong. I am very much aware of my sexuality and I love it. I love affection, and the though of sex really gets me going. However, that is not all that I desire....or is it the strongest desire I have. What I yearn more than anything is what a good friend of mine calls a "MIND, BODY, & SOUL F**K". Maybe it's my feminine side talking, but I desire, sometimes even fantasize, that a man will come into my life and stimulate my intellect, connect with my spirit and faith, and treat my body with as much respect and honor as I wish to offer his body. If all of those areas are covered, sex and passion wouldn't be an issue...i'd give it to that man so good he wouldn't even know what to do with himself. I would hold NOTHING back sexually, because there would be no point.

Now I'm sure there are men out there that can give me a mind-body-soul fuck...my question is...WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?? I'm doing my best to hold on to my integrity and keep from having sex just to satisfy my urges, but this shit is getting TOUGH. Most of the sex I've had (which hasn't been much at all) has been satisfying, but so very empty and shallow. I just can't let myself go all the way if I feel nothing for a man...I'm way too guarded to allow myself to be that vulnerable and i feel guilty afterwards.

I'd much rather have a man look me in the eye and I see lust AND admiration, take his time to set the mood for lovin, share some serious intimacy and foreplay before we go at it like rabbits in heat, fall asleep in each other's arms totally exhausted, wake up in the morning to some more intimacy or even Round Two, take a hot shower together, then eat a good meal before we go on with our days. Is that so much to ask if I'm willing to open up my mind, body, spirit, and potentially my heart for this man?

I may be asking for something unattainable, but damnit that's what I desire. Are they any men out there willing to bare their souls to a good man?

I hope so, because my resolve is slowly slipping. I hate the idea of pursuing shallow sexual encounters, but my desire to hold and be held is becoming so strong I might just go there. Hopefully someone will come along before I release the "Scorpio". Will the real men please stand up? Because I'm searching for you.

I apologize if that was one big ass RAMBLE, but I had to get that out.

"Still Looking For The Right One?"

This past Tuesday, I had the opportunity to sit in on a dynamic workshop on the state of black gay men seeking relationships. The workshop was hosted through In the Meantime Men (ITM), a L.A. based men's support and empowerment group for gay SGL men and their allies.

The facilitator for this discussion was Dr. Roger Quinney, a licensed clinical social worker, psychological counselor, retired Unity Fellowship Church Reverend, and Ph.D. Candidate. Dr. Roger presented himself as a sharp, down to earth, well informed brotha who actually gives a damn about the mental health and wellness of gay black men. There are VERY FEW psychologists that target gay black men, so it was a real treat to have him present for us. And let me tell you, he brought it for the kids, young and old. This workshop was informative, engaging, and at several moments a HOT ASS MESS. Quite a few of the men in the group were KILLING it with their crazy ass comments and messy commentary...TREMENDOUS ENTERTAINMENT VALUE. I wish I had a video or tape recorder to capture some of dramatics that went down. Well hell, what do you expect? When black gay men talk about sex and relationships, you can guarantee things are gonna get SERIOUS. And they did.

Although I was much entertained by the personal accounts and cunty arguments that ensued, I left the workshop with some very useful information. Here are a few bits of material from the workshop that Dr. Roger printed for us. If you are at a point (like me) where you are looking for the "right one", I hope this material is useful.

Also, Dr. Quinney maintains a private practice in Los Angeles for you brothas and sistas out there that may need the support of a professional. Here's some contact info:



Roger Quinney, L.C.S.W.
Quinney & Associates
Counseling and Counseling Firm
(323) 271-7997
http://quinneyassociates.com/
rogerquinney@yahoo.com

Don't sleep on counseling! I'm seeing a counselor myself, and I highly recommend EVERYBODY see one at least once or twice. With that being said, ENJOY the material!



WHERE IS HE? "STILL LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE"

The challenges of same gender loving people are often the need for companionship, or that special person in your life. The barrier is often defining the relationships and what you are really looking for in a person.

Where is he?

The statement "Where is he?" is your own perception of reality. The perfect person is generally in your head but the realities are based upon your behaviours and interactions with others.

Where is he?

You generally find that Black men are seeking other Black men that are physically attractive, intelligent, sensitive, stable, responsible, and lastly reliable. Is this a reality or a fantasy?

Where is he?

Ok, let's take a look at your own personal life experiences and reflect on them. What was your childhood like (i.e. relationships with parents, brothers, and sisters, etc.)? When did you become aware of your sexual orientation or sexual preferences (rule out any sexual abuse that may have occured). The key factor you must have before you can share your life with another person is you must know who you are as a person. Why is this?

Now that the matter of who you are is hopefully cleared up or a work in progress, let us take a look at all of the men who have come and gone in your life. What was the key factor for involving yourself in these relationships? Mutual physical attraction? Sex? Attention? Career advancement? Affection? Did you date before you had sex, or did you have sex and then tried to date? It is important to consider the sex roles you have played in these relationships and how it felt for you (top, bottom, versatile). Also consider the HIV/STI status of yourself, or your previous partners. Did this have an affect on your relationship? Did you live together with your partners? Who was responsible for the finances, cooking, and taking care of the home?

Where is he?

Let us always be mindful that the key to any relationship is COMMUNICATION. That is, to listen, share, and observe the behaviors of your potential partner. Unfortunately, one of the barriers in SGL relationships is COMMITMENT. Is the concept of monogamy a challenge for SGL people? It has been my experience that this concept of being monogamous is a learned behavior, which is often developed by having single, heterosexual people as the ideal model. Is this appropriate? Are there any good examples of committed, long-term SGL couples to be used as the model instead?

Where is he?

We must understand the person we seek is often a fantasy that be conjured up in our minds as the 'man of our dreams' without considering the faults and flaws we all carry. Therefore, we must always reach out to others and be friendly to one another regardless of if he/she does not meet your expectations. You never know...that initial 'frog' in your life may be your knight in shining armor.


DR. QUINNEY'S WORDS OF WISDOM: IF A MAN WANTS YOU



If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If a man doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's just not meant to be.

Slower is BETTER.

Never live your life for a man before you find what truly makes you happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating your as you deserve to be treated, then HELL NO, you can't "be friends". A 'friend' wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle for mediocrity. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Do not stay because you think "it will get better". You will be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is YOU!

Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women or men. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, so why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from your man's.

Maintain boundaries concerning how a man treats you. If you don't let your boundaries be know, you give him free reign to walk all over you.

If something bothers you...SPEAK UP! Men are notorious for being unable to read minds.

Never let a man know EVERYTHING about you too early. He may decide to use that vulnerability against you later.

You cannot CHANGE a man's behavior. This kind of change comes from within.

Don't ever let a man feel he is more important than you...even if has more materially than you. You have more to offer than materialism...your time, you patience, your listening, and your sharing of your heart.

If a man is always "too busy", it's time to MOVE ON! He just isn't into you. Just like we said earlier, if a man wants you, nothing will keep him away. If he is really into you he will MAKE time for you.


OK THATS IT FOLKS! Good luck with finding "the one". He or she is out there, but don't discount who you are as a beautiful person just to satisfy the needs or wants of somebody else. The way I see it, the partner for you will BUILD you up and make you a BETTER person, not tear you down or downplay your mental/physical/spiritual/emotional growth. But hey, that's just me.

Do you have any thoughts about finding "The Right One"?

The L.A. Blacks were OUT!

Several weekends ago, I had the great pleasure of spending some quality time with fellow bloggers TheBlacks, Freddy Smith, Trent, and a guest by the name of Joe for a day of BEAUTIFUL weather, brilliant LGBT cinema, a lively panel, some DE-LIC-IOUS food, the L.A. version of Noah's Arc meets "The View" (y'all fools betta RECOGNIZE), and delightfully messy black gay hijinx. I haven't kicked it all day like that in a while with anybody, so it was a great pleasure to spend the day in such awesome company.

We started off the day at Barnsdall Arts Theatre (which was surprisingly picturesque) to show our support for FUSION: OUTFEST Los Angeles, an independent film and documentary showcase featuring the works of highly-talented LGBT creative artists of Color.



After the showcase, we were treated to a lively debate/panel discussion involving gay marriage, the power of mentorship, and the state of the Black Gay community in Los Angeles. The L.A. Blacks and I got a kick outta some of the shade being thrown out on the sly...i tell ya, the kids can be a mess! even when being tactful...

Departing the theatre, we proceeded to wander aimlessly for about 20 minutes trying to find a place to eat. Don't get it twisted...it was not cute. We were all hungry as HELL, and our navigator was playing games...he almost made me come out my backback... We finally decided on Alcove, a cute lil cafe spot in Los Feliz. After laughing our asses off to the ridiculously icy "i wanna beat your ass!" glares Fred was throwing our guest for getting us all lost and extra hungry, we settled in for a nice lil' lunch that turned into a full scale afternoon affair (complete with coffee and dessert! we were being very homosexual that day, lol). It felt good having real conversation with other upwardly mobile black gay men without the pretense of a hook-up or whatever. We were even able to get a little deep, which is very rare for me with people i don't know.
Good times had by all, especially our 'guest'. Now THAT dude was too much, and he had it in for Trent! I think the 'read' total was about 10 or 11? Thank god Trent was being nice...i could feel the retaliation in the air, LOL.

So yeah, it was good finally getting out and connecting with some real brothas. Kudos to the artists at Fusion for holdin it down, and the staff at Alcove for dealing with 5 out of order negroes :).

Giving thanks with a heavy heart...until Tamia came along!

Today has been pretty strange for me. This is the first major holiday I've had without my mother...and I am definitely feeling it. Even if our house doesn't host Thanksgiving, there is always a palpable energy around the house....anticipation of the after-thanksgiving sales...visits from random neighbors and family members...baking of cakes and pies for various family members...the introduction of the infamous lay-you-on-your-ass egg nog...the building of the x-mas tree... always something going on. However, this year our house is eerily quiet. No scrumptious food, no loud ghetto banter over spades games, no dancing contests, no homemade corn bread...nothing.

My mother owned the holidays around here, and with her not here it just doesn't feel the same. We (meaning my immediate family) didn't even do anything this year...just hung around the house and vegged out. Without my mom planning the Thanksgiving festivities, nothing went down. It's like nobody even feels like celebrating. Sigh.

I thought it would be fun to reminisce by breaking out some old Thanksgiving videotapes...BIG MISTAKE. I could only stand to watch about 5 minutes before I got too emotional and my dad had to turn it off. So much love and warmth came from those tapes...everybody laughing and acting a mess...seeing the ridiculous spread of food my mom prepared...a capture of my mom cuttin' up and trying to learn the latest "booty dances"...the wide shot of everybody laid out after the 'itis' kicked in....it was all too much for me.

Everybody says the grieving process hits the hardest during the holidays...I think they may be right. I hope that Christmas and New Years will get better, because I don't like feeling this way. I'll have to pray on that.

I went out with my brother to a restaurant for dinner. My dad didn't want to go so he stayed at home. My mother is probably rolling in her grave knowing we weren't chin deep in somebody's turkey and corn bread dressing....sorry Mom, just wasn't feeling it today.

I had a nice surprise when I returned home. I received an e-mail from a fellow blogger, theBlacks. I opened it to find a link to a Tamia interview held by The Steve Harvey Morning show.



Listening to Tamia's RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL VOICE has put me in a good mood. Lord, I swear it takes some talent to be able to KILL IT OVER THE RADIO!!!! Not only did she tear it up on her own tracks, she had the NERVE to take an Anita Baker classic and kill that as well! Don't believe me? Listen for yourself:

TAMIA KILLIN' THE TRACK

Beyonce, Keyshia Cole, Christina, Jojo, and all the rest of the young "divas" out there...i'm gonna need to you to sit it down real quick, pick up a pen and paper, take some notes, and witness how it's really supposed to be done! Until you can just bust out like that with no digital assistance, keep studying!

Just like that, I've purchased Tamia's new CD and have dusted off her old CD's for my listening pleasure. Damn, Grant Hill is a lucky man. If I had a (man) to come home to that could sing like that....we'd both have to work from home cuz' there would be no leaving the house, LOL!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! If you are surrounded with family and friends, toss up a prayer of thanks and praise. If you are also dealing with the loss of a loved one this holiday feeling, toss up a blessing as well and know that you aren't alone.

And support a sista that can SANG from the POO-NAAN-NEE and buy Tamia's new CD! That song they dropped on the waves is SOOO not the #1 song on the album...trust.

Ward Connerly is a DAMN FOOL...and this proves it

While at my internship site yesterday, I picked up a copy of UCLA Magazine to read up on what's new on campus. The lead story highlighted the RIDICULOUS racial disparity of black students admitted over the last 8 years. There has been uproar throughout the University of California system concerning Black student retention, and UCLA is in many areas doing the worse.

For example, this past fall quarter, out of an estimated 4,900 new freshmen class, only 96 were Black or of African American descent. 96!!!!!! And this is Los Angeles people, arguably the most diverse metropolitan geographic area in the WORLD! And believe me, from my experience walking that campus, it shows.

When I read about the ongoing "crisis" of UCLA admissions policy and the effort to actively recruit Black students, it makes my blood boil. I remember when this whole madness started...the year Prop 209 was passed. I was a senior in high school, eagerly awaiting my journey to UC Davis. I was in the first class of students in the post-Prop 209 era, Class of 1999. From beginning to end, I saw with my own eyes the subtle but noticeable fading away of Blackness on campus...the relentless slashing of ethnic minority retention program designed to keep Black students performing at a competitive level...the damn near disappearance of Black Greek life...the loss of the historical African Diaspora House...a diminishing morale amongst Black students...the SERIOUS disappearance of Black faculty and staff... SO MANY areas were affected by the ending of affirmative action policies in the UC system.

I wish I could just sit down and talk with the brainchild of Prop. 209, former UC Regent Ward Connerly. In case you're wondering, this dude is not some stiff-shirted hyperconservative salt n pepper haired White guy...no, he's A BROTHA. I'd like to take him on a tour to all the UC campuses and have him take a long look at the absence of Blackness. I'd want to show him a list of all the special programs cut due to his lovely creation. I'd defintely have him interview with the myriad of BRIGHT and SUCCESSFUL men and women who were given a shot due to affirmative action programs. We'd definitely visit a handful of public schools in LA and show him the students that will likely fall through the admissions process because of their circumstances, despite their abilities. And after we do all that, I'd have him check out the minority admissions rates of the Top 3 Ivy League schools in the nation; Princeton, Harvard, and Yale. He would be blind not to see that these schools, which historically have presented barriers to admission for minority students, still manage to put the minority admissions rates of the UC system TO SHAME.

After Mr. Connerly has had a chance to see and hear all of these things, I'd put him in a room for a little bit so he could think about the consequences of his beloved Proposition 209. Then, I'd take my arm, reach back, SLAP THE HELL OUT OF HIS DUMB AZZ, take him by the shoulders, SHAKE HIM a bit, then ask him, in a not-so-timid tone, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!!!!???"

Alas, there is light at the end of the tunnel. In an effort to save face, UCLA has launched a crusade to "figure out" the admissions problem and pound the pavement to find Black students capable of surviving the admissions process.





I've been very impressed by the efforts of Dr. Darnell Hunt and the Ralphe J. Bunche Center of African American Studies for their committment to improving the status of Black and ethnic minority students at UCLA. I may even join their think tank when I start my doctoral program there, because I'm itching to actively speak out on this.

For those of you out there affiliated with or attending a university, PLEASE be a part of the solution. And if you happen to run across Ward Connerly (or other like minded folks), please sit his ass down and educate his behind!

One more week...ugh

It's 3:25 am and I'm feverishly completing a paper that was deadlined YESTERDAY. Sigh...the life of a grad student.

I had a hell of a birthday weekend, which is why I'm scrabbling now. As much as I hate not following through with work before fun, I gotta admit the festivities, tombfoolery, and dramatics of this weekend were WORTH me being a little sleep deprived now. Because BABEEE after I finish this paper up and work my way through this week, I'M DONE! (for a week at least).

So yeah, pray for a brotha until then. I'll be posting on my 25TH BIRTHDAY moments, life as a "saved Scorpio", and other juicy tidbits as soon I get this damn beast off of my desk and into my professor's hands. HOLLA!

Help with Blogger?!!!

Ok, so I think I'm finally getting my Blogging mojo back....wooohoo!!! Anyways, I need some help if anybody's out there. I want to liven up this space, but my Blogger IQ is like 2.7 right now :(

I have questions!!

1. I have a few audio/mp3 files I want to post. How do I do that?

2. I've seen a few folks with links to their Flickr page on their blogs...how do I do that?

3. Is there any way I can widen the display so that the text in my page isn't confined to just 1/3 of the page?

4. Random computer/hardware question. Any one know of a good Macbook compatible portable microphone I could use? I'm having to conduct a lot of interviews for my master's project, and I'm thinking of dabbling in some sort of podcasting for personal and professional purposes. A friend of mine mentioned the iRiver, but I'm having trouble finding one. Suggestions?

5. I want to do funky stuff with fonts, colors, and other stuff for the text. Are there any magic buttons I need to push? Cuz I can't find them.

Any help you can provide would be MUCH appreciated. I hope all of you are well and thriving. HOLLER BACK!

Some of My Best Friends...???

A long time friend of mine offered me a book to read; Emily Bernard's "Some of My Best Friends: Writings on Interracial Friendships". I finally got around to opening it up, and the book's contents have really hit home for me.



You see, I was raised in a working class, racially mixed neighborhood. In high school, the crowd I associated with was also very multicultural. In fact, my close H.S. friends and I gained the title "Rainbow Coalition" because we were so ethnically mixed. Imagine a black guy and girl, a hot mess of a Nigerian girl, a self proclaimed "Thai princess", a seethingly blunt Chinese girl, a mixed white/Filipino guy with an affinity for hard alternative music (booo!), and a crazy lil' filipina all running in the same circle. Man, we would crack up at all the attention we got while in public. Wake up people, this aint 1955 and we ain't in the Deep South!

The high school crew:

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

Sure, we (and our extended network of friends aka. the 'smart' kids) all took more than enough shit from our respective ethnic communities for not being "down" enough, but we didn't give a damn about others' perceptions. We were friends, down for each other, and destined for success. I always though of my multicultural friends as a huge blessing...I grew a much stronger sensitivity to others, learned real quick not to make snap judgments of other ethnic groups, and I appreciate my blackness and Black culture even more having been exposed to other cultures.

As I headed off to UC Davis, I kept that sense of multiculturalism close to my heart. When I arrived on campus, I found myself ethnically isolated in not one, but two ways. First of all, there were hardly any Black folks on campus, especially brothas. Second, the existing Black community was happily segregated and out of reach. Although I was making friends and acquaintances with the White, Asian, Indian, and other folks, I felt something was missing not having a bond with the Black and Latino community.

It took two full years to form some kind of connection to the at-large Black community on campus. And when I did, I felt as if I were enduring an internal tug-of-war match. On one side I had the Black community I had been yearning for, which did not look too kindly of me associating so extensively with the "others". On the other side, I had the network of Non-black friends who I'd grown to love and appreciate despite our ethnic differences, but were clueless to my struggle as a young black man in America. I was indeed "sittin on the fence". I couldn't make up my mind which way to go....I felt such a strong connection to my fellow Black folks, but I couldn't fathom the thought of forsaking the friends who accepted me as I was. In the end, I decided to just DO ME, and BRUSH THE HATERS OFF. And wouldn't you know it, I gained the respect of the open minded black folks, maintained the other friendships that were open to learning about the Black experience, and got written off by the others. Whatever. Even though I found peace within my friendships and acquaintances, there was still this invisible line that separated the two groups, which really bothered me.

The Homies from Cow-Town (UC Davis):

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

I bring this up because I feel the same thing happening again, but with different circumstances. Now, there seems to be a growing separation between my gay/SGL and heterosexual social networks. Up until about 2 years ago, an overwhelming majority of the people I socialized with were heterosexual (or I assumed were). Now that I'm settling into my identity as an 'out' black gay male, I have a yearning to form bonds with gay folks, particularly black gay men.

As I become more involved in connecting to the gay community, I feel some of my old friendships slipping by the wayside. One of my best friends, Nan, actually put me on blast about this a few weeks ago. It's not that I don't love them any less, it's just that being black and gay presents a very complicated set of challenges and circumstances that many folks who aren't black and gay can understand. My straight friends, for the most part, are accepting of my sexuality, but don't seem to be open to knowing more about the experience. Again, the damn tug-of-war...and my behind is getting tired from sitting on this sharp ass fence.

Can a happy medium be made here? Or is this something that will always be present if I decide to associate with both heterosexuals and SGL folks? I hate having to divide my social time between the two.

Do any of struggle with "sittin on the fence" in some capacity?

Can y'all help me get off this damn fence?


***By the way, for those who don't know, SGL means "same gender loving"***

America's Next Top Hot Mess!

A friend of mine forwarded these pictures to me. Even though Tichina and Tisha are DEAD WRONG for going there, the ish is still funny as hell!!!








No offense to any of you die hard America's Next Top Model fans out there. Hell, you know it's funny!

Have a great day! :)

Why am I doing all this?

As many of you have noticed, I haven't been posting very often lately. I've had every intention to, but my life has been a true rollercoaster ride lately. In many ways, I feel that I'm just along for the ride, having little control of things around me. Fortunately, things are finally starting to calm down (THANK YOU JESUS!) so I'm returning to a more normal schedule.

Throughout these trials and challenges, I've often had to take a time out and ask myself "Why am I doing all this?". Why am I so hell-bent on pursuing my education? Why am I more concerned with making a positive impact in the community than making six figures and livin large? Why do I often drop my quality time for the sake of keeping stability in my family? Why am I considered "the strong one" when I feel so helpless and lost at times? Why do folks in my family automatically assume I've got it together and can help them? Why does my life feel so segmented and segregated right now? Is it my fault that it's this way? Why can't I just say "screw you all", disregard my responsibilities, and live life completely for myself? Why do I feel like I'm living the life and responsibilities of a 40 year old at age 24?

These questions have constantly surfaced these past few months. When they surface, I pray and reflect on my past for answers.
Thinking about my past, and what I've had the pleasure (and displeasure) of experiencing in my short life, gives me the strength to move on and do big things. Here are a few of my motivating factors:

1. Finishing my undergraduate degree







I can honestly say that one of the most important days of my life was when I graduated from the University of California, Davis with my bachelor's in Exercise Science. I was the first of my lineage to walk across that stage, and believe me it was a STRUGGLE. In college is where I learned what being a responsible, honorable, and goal-oriented man is all about. Despite the struggles and trials I endured (and OHHWWEE i had quite a few), I'd never give a single day of my college experience back. I learned the true meaning of "digging deep". I am so much of a better person because of the life lessons college forced me to experience.





My graduation weekend (had 3 graduations) was so many things...the first time much of my family stepped foot on a university campus, the first time my entire family got to see where I spent 5 years of my life, the first time more than 10 black people congregated on the UC Davis campus and the police weren't called :) Above all else, it was a turning point. At that moment, I realized that I was CHOSEN to do great things. Having my ENTIRE immediate family and best of friends showing me the most absolute love solidified this for me. I have been blessed to do great things, and it is my duty to live up to my purpose. Too many people and too many circumstances are riding on my success to make me want to say "screw it all". Too many people have sacrificed time and energy, done without luxury, and struggled financially for me to half-ass my potential. I work my hardest not only for myself, but for the people who have worked their hardest to support my efforts.



2. I've seen and heard too much to want to settle for mediocrity.

Again, I've been blessed with so many experiences that have had a profound impact on how I think about things. Despite the fact I never have been "privileged" by our country's standards, I've had an opportunity to see the world, had a chance to connect and learn from some of the brilliant and influential minds of our age, and been exposed to so many positive, uplifting environments.




One of my dreams was realized at age 13 when I was selected as a student ambassador to Australia as a People to People Student Ambassador. Wanting to travel the world was a pretty bold statement for a young man of my means, but the fortune of being hand-picked for such a prestigious opportunity, coupled with the utmost support and encouragement of my parents (it took my parents 5 YEARS to pay for me go overseas, y'all), allowed my dream to become a reality.





That trip overseas did more for me than I could ever imagine. On the positive side, People to People allowed me the chance to see what's beyond our borders, establish an independence of my family at a very young age, and confirmed for me the importance of thinking big. On the not so positive side, People to People facilitated my first brush with blatant racial discrimination. Being the only chocolate boy in a delegation of fifty White and Asian kids, in a foreign country not accustomed to Black Americans, was a trip for real. It was all good though....i learned very early that challenges face Black kids who dare to dream and act big. We have the responsibility to bring our A game because some folks will automatically assume we don't belong. I've carried the lessons from that experience to this day, and I still conduct myself with that in mind.

While it has been great experiencing the good things, going through the not-so-good stuff has been important too. Dealing with the suicide of a close friend made me realize that life is a precious thing and is worth living. Watching my brothers and sister struggle because they made poor life decisions early in age keeps me focused on leading my life with integrity and purpose. Being unemployed for 6 months after I graduated (and quitting the first shitty job after a month) allowed me to see how expendable and unappreciated you will be unless you can make a worthwhile contribution to our society. Lastly, just growing up poor as hell, going to school being gainfully employed and still BROKE, and preparing to subject myself to 4-6 years as a BROKE ASS Ph.D. student has led me to believe that being broke SUCKS, and is NOT FOR ME. :)

3. I've been given the opportunity to do what many haven't.

When I think of #3, I think of my parents. I've said this before, but I TRULY LUCKED OUT with the parents I received. Many in my extended family didn't take to the whole "Raise the hell out of your kids" philosophy my parents did. My parents used all of their resources to ensure that my siblings and I had everything we needed, and just enough of what we wanted.

All of what I'm doing for my family now, in a way, is to show my appreciation for everything they've done for me. My parents have always supported me 100% in all my endeavors, and I didn't understand how rare that is for folks from my background until I hit my college years. Hearing the sob stories of so many people, especially Black men, living in single parent households, dealing with neglectful, abusive, and obsessively controlling parents, etc. etc. etc. And here I am, with parents that were willing to go broke and deny themselves the few luxuries they could afford to indulge my overachiever endeavors and provide support for an education they never had an opportunity to experience.

What kind of person would I be if I didn't do my very best to live up to my potential? Especially after so many people worked their asses just so I could have half a chance? It's my duty to ensure their efforts and hard work are not spent in vain.

4. I want to do big thangs!!!

I'm dead set on making my impact on this world. I've never been one to want to "blend in" and just "survive". ALL HELL NAW! Living is a beautiful thing, and I plan on doing just that. I wish for more than my parents had, so that I may provide my future family (pray for me!) with opportunities I never received. Trust, I ain't raisin' no spoiled brats, but I want to be able to provide my kids and partner with the best.

And let's not forget about me! I wouldn't mind driving a nice car like this one:




I want to travel the world, see all there is to see...be able to put some kid through college with a scholarship...own my own house and maybe a vacation home...see my name on something, whether it be a patent, a building, etc...leave a nice lil' legacy to my future generation. I can't do these things if I plan on being a scrub or half-assin'. I don't want to be a statistic, or a "ohh wow it's a damn shame, he had soo much potential" case. I want to inspire others to do the damn thang, so I must set the example by working my ass off and handling my business. It's that simple.

So yeah, when I start resenting my current position in life, I remind myself why I do what I do. Without fail, I re-gain my focus and draw enough strength to keep it movin.'

What keeps you motivated for success? I'd like to know.

-J

At Capacity, but doing alright

It's been a while since I last posted...life has been kicking my ass as of late, and unfortunately I've been forced to neglect my committment to blogging. I hope to be back in the game very soon (hopefully this weekend) with full-on posts and random streams of consciousness. But until then, I'll leave with a laundry list of things going on in my world....

1. Work is going great...for the most part. My personal training clients are all a pleasure to work with and very dedicated, so that makes my job easy. I'm having a lot of fun teaching my activities classes. It amazes me how LAZY folk can be in a PHYSICAL ACTIVITY CLASS, but the energy I receive from them when they ARE engaged almost makes up for it. My graduate assistantship is getting boring as hell, and I doubt if I will continue my contract for another semester. The interns that shadow me are cool as hell (and one is definitely easy on the eyes, lol), however that is not enough to keep me motivated to work at highest ability. I'm sure my prof will be pissed, but at this point all I care about is finishing this damn degree and going on to the next.

2. The UCLA internship is COOL AS A FAN, but I swear, this woman is trying to work me like a stripper on a pole! Everytime I go in, she has a new project or an article to review, or a demonstration to facilitate or somethin! I don't complain too hard though, because this sista works 5 times as hard as I do, does it with grace, and is SERIOUSLY hooking a brotha up both professionally and personally. I still love our chemistry, even though she's loves putting my ass to the test. Just last week, she helped me resolve a conflict I had with family....now how many academic mentors do you know would go there for their students? Hell, I'm not even one of her students! (well, at least not yet).

If anything, she is giving me the real deal on what it's going to be like as a doctoral student and true professional in Public Health. In the back of my head I know that and respect her for being real, but at the same time I feel a bit overwhelmed and 'remedial' at times. I need to stop comparing myself to her and the other Ph.D's...I'm still a scrub to the game and have much to learn. Damn my Type-A tendencies!



Wow, this is turning into a full-blown post, isn't it?!



3. I'm making it official... I'm happily involved with a wonderful young man! If y'all have been reading for a while, you know who it is. He is a fellow blogger, and a damn fine specimen of man :). Our circumstances are a bit complicated with him in Atlanta and me in L.A., but we are making the most of the situation. I never thought my first real, serious relationship would be a long distance thang....it is what it is. I'm very happy he's in my life, so relieved that he feels the same way, and excited to see what the future holds. FINALLY I connect with one of the "good" ones...well at least he's "good" for me.

I ain't gonna lie though, this separation is a bitch to deal with! It would be one thing if we had known each other super long before we became long distanced...we had only known each other very shortly before he left for ATL. One other tough pill to swallow is that I REALLY LIKE HIM, meaning I really enjoy his company and conversation. Not having that to look forward to everyday (or even every other day)is really tough for me. I'm naturally very touchy and tactile, so it means a lot to be able to feel, hear, touch, taste ;), and smell my man. I try to make up for it with frequent phone calls and texts, but I gotta cool it with the peak time calls...my cell phone bill is NO JOKE.

One factor that's really a challenge is the whole EYE CANDY FACTOR. I don't know what, why, or how the hell this is happening, but all of a sudden, now that I'm in a relationship, I start getting attention from dudes. On campus of all places!! Cal State Fullerton has about a 2.6% Black population which is only about 1/5 male (aka. between 100-150 black men out of 35,000 students) so the likelihood that I'd come across "family" is slim to none. Alas, the shit is going down! Guys from my past, a few random men on campus, even one of my damn students have tried to holla! Add to the equation my major being Kinesiology (movement, fitness, and nutrition), my office being next door to the Track & Field and Wrestling main offices, and one of my GA responsibilities involves conducting fitness assessments on all intercollegiate athletes (basically having to touch and pinch on ridiculously developed athletes). You'd think it would be a dream job...but for me, it's HELL.

This is why it's hell. While it's great to be in the midst of all that flesh and muscle and testosterone and homoeroticism, I can only look and not touch. To be honest, I don't even want to touch. I feel like with my man I'm on the verge of a relationship with long term potential, and I have no desire to jeopardize what we have. The trouble comes because being in my environment day in and day out has me thinkin' some pretty X-rated thangs. Me being a sexually expressive person doesn't help matters either. Not having the man of my affections here with me to buffer those thoughts, or even play a part in them :) really sucks. It's like riding on a crowded bus when you have guys in Hondas offering you a ride and you have your own Bentley 2,500 miles away. Sure, you can take a ride here in a Honda and probably get away with it, but you know that nothing will compare to the sheer driving pleasure of your Bentley when you have access to it. Until I can see my Bentley again, I will continue to ride the bus...groan. Hell, at least I can say I have a Bentley. Most guys would be happy with an unreliable Toyota, and I've been blessed with a finely tuned, well-maintained, chocolate brown luxury vehicle with PLENTY of horsepower, LOL.



Ok, I need to stop.



4. I'm sexually frustrated....nuff' said.



5. I love my family, but I feel myself getting sucked into the drama. It's enough having to deal with my father. He's still hurting really bad with Mom's Death, and I worry that he'll not take care of himself right if I don't stay in his face. Now, our family is facing a long-standing pain in our asses...the fate of my grandmother's house. My mother's dying wish was to make every attempt to save and rebuild the "House". She even invested $50,000 of her own credit to make this a reality. Now that she is gone, her equity credit line has been revoked, we have $25,000 in repairs still left in our construction contract, and my mother's siblings are acting triflin as hell when it comes to contributing FINANCIALLY to this cause. Basically all they are concerned with is getting a check written to them for the sale of the house. Now I would tell them both to kick rocks and die, but they own 2/3 of the house...so a brotha and his brothers find themselves between a rock and a hard place. Should we take the debt ourselves (if that's even possible) and finish the work? Should we just say screw it and sell the house as is (and lose about $100,000 for not investing $20,000), or should we just wash our hands of the whole thing and let the bank snatch the mortgage?

Part of me wants to be done with this whole ordeal and just sell the house. Another part of me wants to fulfill my mom's wish, hem up these triflin heifas with my razor (pull it OUT da backpack!) and get the work done. Another part of me, which is growing larger by the minute, wants to run like hell away from all these messy african americans, escape to Atlanta, and hide in my man's bed LOL.


As much as I don't want to deal with it, I must. I'm the "responsible" one, so I must set the tone for my family's actions once again. So much for being the spoiled baby of the family, huh?


5. I really need to learn how to be BRIEF :)


Ok I'm done now. Let me get back to this work before I fall even more behind.


HOLLA!!!!


-J

Overload???

I've been pacing for over 5 minutes, so I've decided to write to clear my head. I think it's crazy that only several weeks ago, I felt my life was somewhat boring and uneventful...but OHHHH BOY have things changed. At this point, I find myself with more to do in less time. I prayed for God to place big things in my life, and He is defintely delivering. I just hope I can match his pace.

I must have 100 different things flying through my head...reflecting on my first black gay pride experience( 2 thumbs up!), thinking about my mom, being there for dad, handling family business affairs, working on my thesis, teaching my classes, redecorating my room (the effort may kill me, but it's still gonna be FIRE!), handling my OWN finances, applying to PhD programs, staying in good terms with my personal training clients, keeping consistent with my OWN fitness, carving out time for friends and family, figuring out my direction with church (do I stay or do I go?), continuing to develop in spirit regardless of my church affiliation, and finally attempting to build a solid relationship to a beautiful and worthwhile man...some 2,000 miles away. Yeah, a brotha is busy.

The big question is....have I gone too far? I am notorious for over-extending myself so I'm worried. I will never be as bad as the last time, but I feel myself creeping toward that side if any more responsibility comes my way. One thing that establishes order is my schedule. In order to accomplish everything I need and want to, I am bound to a UNFORGIVING schedule. Every important thing that needs to be done, from eating breakfast in the morning to meditating or praying at night, goes into the schedule.

Now if I stick to the schedule, I'll get everything done... If I miss something or deviate from the schedule, I'm SCREWED. I consider it a blessing and a cursed...blessed that I've been given the resourcefulness to make a schedule, and cursed that my schedule sucks up 95% of my time in a day. What a trade off it is.

I can honestly say this is the busiest I've even been. But do I have a reason to complain? In spite of my hefty responsibilities, I am doing very well and much in my life is thriving. My academics couldn't be better, I'm now financially stabilized (i.e. a broke ass college student that now doesn't owe everybody money), I am considered a "highly competitive PhD candidate", my spirit is strong (but tired as HELL!), my friends haven't deserted me for neglect, and I am holding my own with this long distance situation.

NEXT TIME I NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHAT I PRAY FOR!!!! When God brings it, He don't play! I just hope I can stick with it and keep my wits and humor....nobody loves a bitter idiot :)


Sooo yeah, I'll bitch and moan from time to time, but I'm not stupid enough to whine too hard. I asked for it, and I got it! Now I just have to roll with it for as long as I can. *****SIGH*****

I'm out.