Love...In and Out of Time

April 29, 1978

It has been now 19 days since my mother left our world. I can't put into words what I feel right now...hopefully I will be able to articulate it sometime soon, and I will of course share it here. Of all the difficult circumstances in my atmosphere, the hardest to deal with is consoling my father. He and I are the only ones living in our family's house right now, so I spend the most time with him. He has just lost his best friend, wife, and soulmate of 33 years. Obviously, he is beside himself with grief. As much as I try to ease his pain, I know that nothing I do or say can get to the heart of his grief.My dad trying to act like he's in charge :)

Momma lookin' all kinds of fly

He and I have talked a lot about her recently, and I'm learning more and more about their relationship. He floored me the other day when he told me about how his life was a wreck and he was on his way to either jail or the morgue when they first met. My own heart about broke when he told me:

"Son, meeting and marrying your mother saved my life. God blessed me 100 times over by giving me the pleasure of spending the finest years of my life with that woman. So much of my life was her, and now she's gone. I don't know how I will go on...a big part of me died with her."

Family fun at Disneyland

I thought I knew what he was talking about, but I had no idea of the magnitude of his words until I sat down and thought about them. Then, yesterday morning, I was exposed to a movie that connected a lot of those words for me, and I was a crying mess for at least an hour.

Taken right before an anniversary "night out"

I was watching "Madea's Family Reunion", the movie version. While I love Tyler Perry productions for their comedy and affirming messages of blackness, for some reason this movie really hit home for me. Two scenes in particular really made an impact: the reunion scene, and the wedding scenes. When Cicely Tyson got up there and started preaching to her family about the responsibility of honoring and maintaining their heritage, I immediately thought of my mother. In many ways, she adopted that role in our family. Everybody looked to her as the glue that held our often fragmented family together. And then, when Dr. Angelou delivered that amazing poem, I was THROUGH. I thought....oh my god, THAT is what my dad was saying to me. That was the kind of love and adoration they shared. Here's the poem:

In and Out of Time by Maya Angelou

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

A very common scene at my house

My parents did indeed love each other, in and out of time. For 33 years, they worked as a unit.

Although they could put on the gloves and go 12 rounds, I've never seen them mad at each other for longer than a day. I think the longest time they were ever apart was the 4 days my mom left to visit family in Louisiana. When my brothers and I were growing up, we couldn't play one of them off the other to get what we wanted, because they backed each other up (damnit!). Every birthday, Valentine's Day, anniversary, and Mother's/Father's Day was like seeing two teenagers in puppy love (hell, I was conceived on a Valentine's Day, to give you an idea :)). I love how they were open about their relationship. Every aspect of it was honest and real. When they were all lovey dovey, you could see (and sometimes hear) it. When they were fighting, everybody in the damn neighborhood knew it. If one of them was in pain or suffering, they shared about it openly. I've only seen them divided twice, and both times it concerned my half brother Darnell. Even in those situations, they quickly resolved their issues and reinforced their bond.
Mom and Dad with my half-brother Darnell

Even through the bad stuff, they remained united. When my dad lost his father and best friend in the span of 3 weeks, my mom was at his side. When my mom screwed up and ended up getting the household in huge credit debt, my dad didn't drag her through the mud for it...he stuck his finger at her, said a few choice words, and went down to the bank and signed for a 2nd mortgage right along with her, no questions asked. After my mom had her first mastectomy and began questioning her beauty and femininity, my dad was right there to tell her how desirable and beautiful she was. During the second mastectomy, the one she never truly recovered from, my dad was right there, through all the follow ups, nurses visits, and tears my mother shed over losing her breasts. When Dad had his ankle fusion, Mom would damn near beat his ass for trying to walk around on it. Of course, it was out of love :). And then, on March 30th, when we found out the cancer had returned, metastacized, and was terminal, he supported her 24-7. Four separate emergency room visits, over 3 weeks in the hospital, trips to the pharmacy for pain and cancer meds, caring for her every need in between the hospital stays, cooking meals, helping her bathe, bathing her when she wasn't strong enough, making her laugh despite the pain and fear of facing death...my dad did it all. In fact, my parents slept in the same bed from the day they moved in together all the way up to my mother's last 3 days, when she was moved to my brother's vacant room and placed in a hospital bed. I'm telling you, if that ain't love, I don't know what is.

Another night out on the town.

Yeah, my mother and father shared the kind of love that few people get to experience. They were in many ways polar opposites, but together they formed a powerful union. Through love, work, patience, faith, and truth, they provided a wonderful example of how a relationship and marriage should function.

Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time dealing with some of these men out here? I've learned, through example, to love hard. To seek out a person's soul first, see what's there, determine if it's consistent with what's in my heart and mind, and attempt to build (slowly) a substancial relationship. I can't do the whole "let's be fuck buddies first and then see if we have a connection" thing because that's not what I got at home. Don't get it twisted, my parents were by NO means asexual (see my 2nd post); however, they weren't all out sexing it up without being committed and monogamous. Their marriage was anything but superficial, so I have trouble being superficial in my love and sex life.

I hope and pray that I can get the honor of finding someone I can love as much as my parents loved each other. Because, to be honest, I doubt I could settle for anything less.

My Stress reliever, from Rashid's Page.

It's super late now and I can't sleep...my mother's funeral service is tomorrow and I'm delivering her eulogy. Needless to say I'm on pins and needles from the stress of this week's events, her death, and having to speak publically about such a personal matter. I made a deal with myself...after I finish this, I'll go to bed. I'll definitely be posting about what happened these past 2 weeks, but for now I'll do this real quick and get some zzz's. Here goes...

the Gay Man's Survey
Welcome to the first ever gay male oriented MySpace Quiz!!!

Get ready, get set...answer, copy, paste and repost!!!

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1. What is the first thing you notice about the same sex?
Overall appearance, how he walks, facial expressions (happy, sad, sexy, disgruntled)

2. Which male celebrity would you want as a love slave?
As a love slave?....let's see...i would say Brian White or Taye Diggs but they'd prolly flip the script back onto me! Djimon Housou would be fun :)

3. Gift card winner at work!...which store do you reach for?
Amazon.com, or any sporting goods store.

4. Admit it, are you a size queen?

Hell no! I'm no fan of "modest" endowments, but I can't do anything with a Magnum XXXXLLL but look at it in shock.

5. What store do you base your fashion sense on?
Whatever looks good. I love Sean John, but Puffy can hurt a brotha's pocket. I'm gravitating more toward natural fabrics and linens, though.

6. If you could improve gay pride, what would you improve?
I'd have the focus be on community development through workshops and fairs, and spend less time and cash hyping up the parties. The parties will always be there, but the chance to congregate a mass of SGL family for a positive cause could be very powerful.

7. Have you marched in a gay pride parade?
Nope, never really been to a parade...in ATL, it's ON!

8. Honestly, how many times do you go to the gym?
Everyday usually. If i'm not working out myself, i'm training clients or running classes.

9. Honestly, how many nights do you go out with the boys?
Usually just once a week, if nothing else gets in the way. I need more social time.

10. How long was your last relationship?
Umm....my high school crush and I were together for about a year, but that's the extent of my relationships. Everything else has fizzled before a "relationship" could develop.

11. What would you do the moment gay marriage is approved by voters?
Smile, say a prayer of thanks, and encourage my partnered gay friends to do the do. I'm not quite there yet.

13. Where would you want to have your gay wedding?
Either amongst family and friends in Pasadena (hometown), or somewhere on the African Coast.

14. Who do you want to be there?
Everybody who supports my marriage and will buy a good gift :)

15. What kind of food/ who would cater your gay wedding ?
Depends on my man. If he's African American, soul food will predominate. If he's multiethnic or (gasp!) a different race, we will have a lil' of his culture in the mix.

16. Who is your diva?
I don't really have one. I like Janet, and Halle Berry...are they divas?

17. Which type of gay man do you avoid?
Unneccessarily bitter gay men are the worse. I also steer clear of the hopelessly DL guys...can't be associated with infidelity.

18. What qualities do you look for in a man?
HUMOR, a positive outlook on life, ambition, definite sex appeal, spiritual grounding, and easy to engage in conversation. Being able to break me off on a dance floor or having a voice are definite bonuses :)

19. What exotic gay locale would you travel to?
gay locale? I guess Rio de Janeiro, but it's not exclusively gay.

20. What song are you tired of hearing?
BEYONCE'S "DE JA VU". err time i hear it i want to say SWITCH!

21. Which club/bar in your gay neighborhood do you wish would just close down because its so tired?
I would shut down half of the sorry ass gay establishments down Santa Monica that treat black men like shit. I have no tolerance for racist queens, they gotta go!

22. Admit it, have you gone thru a vegetarian/vegan phase?
LOL, that is hilarious. My family is from da' South...we eats our meats. I do it lean and mean though.

23. Which restaurant/type of restaurant would you take a date?
Anyplace we can eat with freedom and can talk uninterrupted.

24. How much can you bench?
Stopped checking. It's worthless to know unless your workout goals are increasing brute strength.

25. What one part of the male anatomy always get your attention?
Backs, booty, and calves. If they are nice in all those areas, its guaranteed they will have a nice overall package.

26. Whole Foods or Bristol Farms??
Whole Foods

27. Do you donate clothes you dont use anymore?
Absolutamente. I was once a goodwill kid, so I always give back.

28. What do you think of Paris Hilton's new singing career?
BOO TO DA HISS! Why you gotta get my pressure up with this mess? Please!

29. Did you know Godiva Chocolates contain preservatives?
umm no....i should know though.

30. What would you rather watch, hot boys laying out, hot boys playing volleyball or hot boys washing cars?
Tie between volleyball and cars. I love volleyball, and I think water and 'wet' is soo damn sexy.

31. Do you go return to work late from your 10 minute break?
usually. I don't punch a clock, so I ain't trippin.

32. Where do you want to have your dream house?
My dream house is my grandmother's house, so Pasadena, California. I hope that I can one day have the honor of owning that beautiful home and keeping it in family.

33. Whats your favorite cologne?
Cool Water, but this Acqua Di Gio is starting to grow on me

34. Whats your favorite cologne on him?
I'm versatile. Something fresh and natural, like Escape or vanilla oil.

35. Have you worn red to a gay day at an amusement park?
never been to a gay amusement park day.

36. What are your favorite TV shows?
Noah's Arc, So you think you can dance?, Gray's Anatomy, That's So Raven (i know....)

37. Admit it, which TV DVD collection do you own?
Roots, and i will own Noah's Arc in a few days :)

39. Admit it, did you ever have a sugar daddy?
Naw dawg. I've dated a few older men, but they weren't ballin' out or anything.

40. What is the drink you always order at the club/bar?
Long Island Iced Tea, or an Adios Mutha****a

41. Finish the sentence...when I go to a house party, I avoid....
getting stuck in a corner, especially if the party is hella packed...nothing worse than being wedged in a corner when everybody else is getting their groove on.

42. What embarassing moment are you constantly reminded of?
I wore a helmet the first time I went horseback riding, and I looked quite "special". I didn't care tho, i didn't trust those shifty-eyed horses.

43. What does your last text message say?
"I keep thinking about you....can I come over?" No i'm lying....sigh...

44. Admit it, which fast food restaurant lures you each and every time?

In-N-Out. I try to stay away from everything else.

45. Your date just scored tickets...which singer/performer do you hope they are?
Jill Scott! That woman's presence and talent can make me melt.

46. Admit it, do you lie about your age?
nope, i like being 24.

47. What is your favorite sex position?
none of your dayam bidness sucka!

48. What movie, in theatres right now, would you take a date?
X-Men, but that's not new.

49. What movie, in theatres now, would you NOT take a date?
Little Man....all I can say is BOOOOOOOO!!!!!

50. You're the tour guide...where would you take an out-of-towner who is unfamiliar with your city?
We'd do the Hollywood/West Hollywood/Beverly Hills deal because EVERYBODY wants to see that. Next, we'd go get some good food, check out the Getty Center, and then maybe hit up either Circus, Catch One, or Pearl if we wanna shake it up.

*Redo and Repost as 'the Gay Man's Survey'*

Spreading some Father's Day Love

Of all the observation holidays (Valentine's, Mothers Day, etc.), Father's Day has always been one of my favorites. At this point in the year, the sun is shining, vacations are abundant, school years are coming to a close, and people are graduating from school and transitioning into their future plans. What a perfect backdrop to officially honor the men in our lives responsible for raising us into the people we are today. Yes, today is Father's Day, a day where I have an excuse to love on my dad and let the world know how much I honor, appreciate, and am indebted to my father.

When it comes to parents, I lucked out. This is especially true when it comes to my Dad. One thing I love about my father is that he made the choice to be a FATHER and not a baby's daddy. You see, before my mother and father met, my Dad led a turbulent life. Drug addiction, alcohol abuse, a failed marriage and custody battle, and a penchant for violent behavior ruled my father's life. When my mother came into the picture and they became comfortable, she gave him an ultimatum...change your ways and commit to me, or take a walk. My Dad dropped ALL of his destructive ways to be with my mom and build a family.

Not only did he take on the task of being a honorable husband, he also filled the shoes of fatherhood for my brother, Darnell. Darnell was born during my mother's first marriage. She was left high and dry by Darnell's father when he found out she was pregnant. Darnell was 5 years old when my mom and dad became an item, and he gave my Dad HELL. This lil' boy was filled with so much hurt and anger from being abandoned that he took all of it out on my Dad. And how did my Dad handle my brother's abuse? Like a man! He refused to take any shit off a little boy and did his best to be a father figure to Darnell. Of course Darnell wasn't having it and acted accordingly, but my Dad didn't care. He made a commitment, and stuck to it. Throughout the years the relationship between Darnell and Dad has been rocky, but recently they have reconciled. Darnell is now married to a woman who had a young son when they met, so he now understands how much hell it is to raise somebody else's kid. Isn't karma a bitch? So yeah, they are on good terms now. Instead of blaming my Dad for his issues, Darnell now thanks him for doing what was damn near impossible...raising a young man mad at the world and looking for a victim. Gangster, i tell you. Pure gangster.

Now when it came to raising us, this man deserves the Medal of Honor. Shortly after giving birth to me (the last child), my mother decided that she was DONE with being a stay at home mom. So, when I was all of 3 months old, my brother Shaun just shy of 1 year old, and my next brother in age (Darren) was 6 years old, my mom went back to work full time and left the child rearing up to Pops. From the crack of dawn until 4pm, my father was Mr. Mom with 2 infants and a kindergartner. He did what most guys his age and generation would have run like hell from....he sucked it up, man-ed up, and raised the hell out of us. We'd be traveling on the bus every day, 2 babies in a double stroller, baby bag, and all. He would cook us breakfast and lunch every day until we started going to school. I remember hitting up parks, going to visit his crazy ass friends in the "Jungle" projects of Los Angeles, and making trips to the beach and other cool places as a youngster with my Dad.

When I was enrolled in a Christian pre-school and was suspected of giving all the other (white) kids head lice, my dad was the one who said "AWW HELL TO THE NAW" and paid his own money to place me in the newly formed Head Start Program at our local elementary school.

When Darren began having problems at school with bullies and Darnell started rollin with the local gang members, my dad spearheaded the decision to get our family the hell out of the Crenshaw District of L.A. and into to a much nicer and safer community.

In many ways, my dad has served a very untraditional role in my life. Although he is very much a man's man and a provider, he has always been a nurturer. Whenever I would fall and bust my head, felt scared, or got into a fight, Dad was the first person I'd call for. If I needed advice or a stiff kick in the ass, my dad was more than willing to give it. Much of the emotional health and maturity I have now is due to my father's example. My father always told us, his sons, to never be afraid to show our emotions. I've seen my dad enraged, upset, sad, depressed, in mourning, happy, afraid, excited, and not once has he ever apologized for any open expression of those feelings. I don't know of many other guys that have seen their dad cry his eyes out and still believe that he is the biggest man in the world. That's how I feel about my Dad.

Although all of my brothers and sister have a solid relationship with my father, my Dad and I share a very strong bond. With him, I can talk freely about anything without fear of reprimand or judging (well, as long as I don't disrespect him...then I'd risk an ass-whoopin :)). He's always been my #1 fan, with mom following behind in a very close second. My dad was never gifted in the academic sense, but he never was intimidated or put off by my academic excellence. In fact, he has supported me 100% in all of my endeavors. All I've had to do was tell him i was serious about doing something, and he was there every step of the way. Sure, he was probably trying to live vicariously through me, but i didn't care. It was (and still is) an honor to know that I am making my father proud.

Oh man, I could go on and on about how much my Dad has reflected my life, but I'll keep it somewhat short. My dad is by no means perfect (and in some ways is a HOT ASS MESS), but I couldn't imagine having a better father. I praise God every chance I get for blessing me with a mother and father dedicated to the success of their children. My father and I still have one big issue to discuss (my sexuality), but I am confident that I will not lose him over it. In many ways, I feel he already knows and is just waiting for me to talk to him about it. In any case, i'm faithful that our relationship will remain intact and I will still honor him as much as I do now.

To my Dad, Mr. Mack Quinn Hopkins, Jr......


HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!


I LOVE YOU POPS!!!


-dancehard

I LOVE FREE MONEY!!!!

I'm tellin you, i wish I could extend the fortune I've been receiving in my educational pursuits to other parts of my life. This past week, I received notice that I was chosen as a California Pre-Doctoral Scholar, AND I won the California Graduate Student Equity Fellowship Award!! I damn near fainted when both of those bad boys ended up in the mail on the same day. U KNOW!

The Pre-Doctoral Award includes a $5000 fund for pre-doctoral development (paying for conferences, visits to prospective doctorate programs, organizational memberships, technology, etc.), a free GRE prep course (which I will be using the hell out of considering my first crack at the GRE was BOO-HISS!), and "generous" funding for a summer internship of my choice on one of the University of California campuses. How tight is that?

The Student Equity Fellowship is basically a $3000 award that I can apply to my financial aid. So $3000 less dollars I'll owe Uncle Sam's greedy ass :).

So yeah, if I wasn't motivated before to do big things in the future, i'm definitely motivated now! All you undergrad and grad students out there that are reading....KNOW YOUR RESOURCES!!! The only reason I knew about these scholarships is because I dug for information, and made friends with the right people. The money and support is out there, it's just up to YOU to find it and hustle for it! Make good friends in financial aid and the career center. HOUND your academic departments about scholarships notices. And if you happen to be a 'minority student', your ass BETTER be involved in McNair's Scholars, MESA, Upward Bound, and/ or EOP...these programs are fighting to stay ahead of budget cuts to provide YOU with free money and resources. RECOGNIZE PLEASE!

...sorry if i got on my soapbox a lil' bit. I'm just so passionate about people taking advanatage of free resources, be it scholarships, summer research programs, internships, mentoring, tutoring, even job placement. I suffered tremendously throughout my undergraduate years because I either didn't know this free stuff existed, or I got lazy and didn't apply. Life would have been a WHOLE lot easier if I had been up on game and got my hustle on.

In addition to that mess on my part, as a member and officer of National Society of Black Engineers (who's house??????SIX HOUSE!!!), we had to fight for years just to maintain funding for our umbrella organization, Minority Engineering Program (MEP). A program that, on our campus, was responsible for providing direct support and resources to about 87% of the minority engineering, physical science, and biological science students, producing over 50 minority Ph.D. earners, a couple of Fulbright scholars, and one Black Engineer of the Year winner (GO 'HEAD CHADWICK!!!). After several rallies, too many petitions, and a mass stand-in at the Dean of Engineering's office, the university got hella shady and axed the funding for our program director and support staff, effectively killing MEP and leaving our Black and Latino students to fend for themselves on a unwelcoming campus of 33,000 students. Without a program like MEP, the GPA's and performance of minority students dropped so dramatically that the university reestablished funding for MEP in an effort to save face and negative statistics.

So, long story short, use what you have in front you my people. It's absolutely ridiculous to work so hard when you don't have to, and you never know how long a resource may be available to you.

****stepping off my soapbox****

I'll keep posting about my scholarship decisions as they come in the mail. Here's the tally so far.....

Show me the money! (YES): 4
Hell to the naw! (NO): 7
Still awaiting response: 6

I'm gonna toss up a few thank ya Jesus'es because I sure as hell don't want to run up another $17,000 in loans next year. And that's my word.

HOLLA!!!

Things are looking up

After the drama of Monday, I've been eager for some good news. Well, I got some. Mom is home from the hospital. Usually, she is very weak after a stay in the hell-hole, but this time she seems to have some pep in her step. Her oncologist gave us some comforting news...the cancer cells they have been monitoring have not grown since she was rediagnosed back in March. It seems the chemotherapy is stabilizing the cancer, which is good news. She is still dealing with some nasty side effects from the therapy, along with the fluid buildup, but we'll take any good news we can get. She's gained 5 lbs, and the doctors have lowered her morphine dosage. That says a lot, considering how DRUG-HAPPY Kaiser Permanente has become lately (I'll save my rant on Kaiser for another blog.....it's deep y'all). All the medical stuff aside, i'm just glad to have my momma back home. Although she can work my last nerve at the drop of a hat, I'd rather have her here in her own house than in some impersonal hospital room hooked up to machines. So YAY, mom is back home!

To add to the good news, I think I've stumbled across a cool lil' social group for gay/bi black men and straight allies in LA. It's called "In the Meantime". On Tuesday I attended one of their weekly discussion groups at Catch One, a popular black gay joint here in La La Land. The topic of the night was "The Impact of the Ballroom Scene on the Black Community".

The organizers of this week's discussion flew in an old school member of the New York ballroom scene. I walked away from his colorful account on ballrooms with an sense of appreciation for all the creativity, strength, and love that goes into this ballroom culture. The old school head had his protege up there speaking, and whooeee he was FIRE. He did more than rile up my social consciousness, lemme tell ya :) Anyways, it was very nice to spend an evening meeting other brothas in the life without the shade and bullshit of being in a clubbing environment. I had the pleasure of meeting Herndon Davis, TV Host and author of "Black, Gay, and Christian", along with other upwardly mobile, culturally aware brothers. "In the Meantime" is definitely my scene, and I'll be attending another meeting.

So yeah, things are looking up. Tonight I got to see two of my nephews and my baby niece. I swear, my brother and his estranged wife are both crazy as hell and so not good for each other, but they produced some BEAUTIFUL children. I usually don't get all gushy over children, but my nephs and nieces are so TIGHT! Little Vincent is starting to hit puberty, which is ridiculously amusing...Junior is five and has just learned how to krump dance...such a HAM...and the little one, Miss Jaleya aka. Lay-Lay, just turned 1 yr and is already a DIVA. So funny, the antics of this lil' girl. Ahhhhh, family.

Ok, time for bed and prayers. HOLLA!

-J.

What a mindfuck.

Today was for lack of a better term...a mindfuck. I spent most of the day at the hospital being strong for my dad and spending quality time with my mom while she is in that medical hellhole. You see, my mother has cancer. First diagnosed as a breast cancer in 1994, it has grown and festered in her body despite two mastectomies and several rounds of chemotherapy. As much as I cry and pray that her doctors will say 'remission' again, I have a feeling in my soul that this is the final round of a 12 year battle.

At this point, it has spread to several vital organs and is being a stubborn little bitch...not responding to any of the therapy they throw at it. After having to take my mother to the emergency room for the 3rd time in a month, she has been readmitted. While preparing to clear the fluid from her lungs (once again), they discovered one of her lungs had collapsed. After a mini-emergency, stability was restored. This all happened while I was on my way to the hospital to visit.

As I walked into her cramped hospital room, the shit hit the fan and the other shoe dropped. After seeing the IV Bags, the morphine drip, and the not one but two drains placed in her back to remove lung fluid, it hit me. My mother, the ridiculously stubborn, California raised but Southern bred, will cut a bitch in a quick minute for messing with one of her babies, sometimes harsh but always loving, survivor of raising 4 hard-headed sons, is going to die. Most likely before the age of fifty-five.

When she opened her eyes and motioned me to her side, I almost didn't want to go. I knew what was coming. My father, mother, and I had been tiptoeing over the topic ever since I got accepted to college.

Mom: Come here son.

Me: I'm here mom.

Mom: You know this isn't looking good for me, right?

Me: Mom, now is not the time to be thinking like that. You've gotta fight.

Mom: I am baby, but I'm getting tired of this shit. I don't know how much more I can take.

Me: What are you saying?

Mom: I'm saying that I'm about ready to go. You know it, and I know it.

Me: Shit.....

Mom: I know me and your daddy are always telling you this, but now it's getting serious. We want you to be the leader in this family. We have known since you were a little boy that you were gonna be the one. I want you to be ready once the time comes...hell, it's already here.

Me:......

Mom: Yeah, yeah, I know...you're the youngest, blah blah blah. But let's keep it real. Of all your brothers and sisters, you have your shit the most together. We trust your judgment. We know that you will conduct matters in our best interest and not get greedy. And we know that you're not afraid to beat the hell out of anyone who tries to act a fool when we're out of the picture, even if it's family.

Me: *chuckling*. Yeah, Ma. You know how I do it.

Mom: You damn right, baby. We already put your name on all the papers and policies, but I want to know if you're ok with this. We've never wanted to force anything on you, but you saw what happened when your Momma Doonie passed. We don't want the same thing happening with our babies.

Me: Yes, I know. And I've been expecting this. I've thought about it, and I've prayed on it. God has told me there's a reason why he's given me the strength to deal with all the crazy ass people in this family...it is my job to keep the family afloat. I'm ok with it. I'll be here.

Mom: Thank you son. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Dad: We are so proud of the man you have become.

Me: Don't get it twisted though....i'm not doing all this crap alone.

Mom: You'd be a damn fool if you did *cackling*. Of course your brothers and Tamy will have to do their parts, but you gotta be the one to stay on them.

Me: Oh joy...this is going to be fun...

Mom: Yeah, really. Ok i'm done talking about this. I'm hungry.

So yeah, that was the first mindfuck. The second one happened when my Dad and I got back home. He pulled me to the side and said:

"I don't want to scare you any more than you already are, but I'm not taking this very well. I can't sleep, i'm hardly eating, and my anxiety pills ain't working. I honestly don't know what's going to happen to me when your mother passes away. That woman means everything to me, and I don't see myself living very well without her here. I'm not going to do something stupid or anything. I'm just saying that I'm gonna be real fucked up when this all happens. I'm really going to need to you be strong for me and help me out, because I'm not going to be worth much."

At this point, I'm in tears. I'm so touched by how much love is there between the two of them, but I'm also really scared. My dad is a very emotional man, and he doesn't take death of loved ones very well. He lost his best friend and his father within 2 months, and he was a mess. I take his words to heart because I know he wouldn't be telling me this unless he knew it was going to be BAD for him. As much as I love my dad for being so open and honest with his emotions, I kinda wish he could control them just a little bit. But hey, that's probably why he had so many damn children...he raised the hell outta us, and now when he is weak we are to pick him up.

And for the icing on the cake...any form of mindfuck would not be complete without a little bit of irony. I got a message from my internship coordinator today, detailing my internship assignment. Half of my internship will focus on worksite fitness promotion, and the other half with be assisting in a Cancer screening, prevention, and awareness intervention for African American women. Ain't that about a bitch??? I tell ya, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Here I am preparing to work on a study that will potentially save the lives of hundreds of Black women, while my own mother is losing a battle to cancer. Messy, I tell you. Just plain messy.

But what can you do? I'll tell you one thing. After having to deal with all the health related problems and drama that have plagued so many people close to me, I am SOOO motivated to work the hell outta of this internship and do all I can to get folks educated and active so they will not have to one day endure the hell that my family and I have gone through. That's what up.

If any of you are reading this, pray for a brotha. Even with all that is going on, my head is still high and my mood is positive. But I know at some point, all of this will get to me and I will have to take a break and be a hot emotional mess for a while. I just hope that somebody will be there to pick me up.

-J.

The Power of the Hustle

2 more days till freedom! In 2 days, I will have completed my first year of graduate school....WHAT!!! WHAT!!! As much as I like to complain about how much energy is sucked from my body due to school, I gotta admit that I've enjoyed most of it thus far.

Going to school at this level has taught me many lessons, but one always finds it way to the surface....The Art of HUSTLING. No i don't mean THAT kind of hustling :)...i mean the kind where you really put your back into your work and go for yours. Throughout this year, i've had to sacrifice my social and romantic life, but now I see why I did it. I kicked ass in my courses, won 4 scholarships (so far), landed 2 jobs that I LOVE, and set myself up in a public health training program that will provide PAID internship/research experience, PAID travel to conferences, and MONEY and support for my research project and application fees. Now all I gotta do over the summer is work my internship, train a few clients here and there, and KICK IT. Hard work DOES pay off.

I'm telling you, if you have a goal or vision, and are serious about accomplishment, be prepared to get your hands dirty and DO THE DAMN THANG. It all works out in the end.

Summer Wish List

After a much needed mini-vacation to San Diego, summer is now in full swing! I've been looking forward to this summer since the start of my graduate career. I started brainstorming about what I want to accomplish this summer a few weeks back, and I now have a nice lil' wish listgoing on. I wrote this as if I was talking to myself, so don't get confused....i thought you knew, this blog is all about ME! LOL just kidding you know I love to share. Tell me what you think.

*****LONG POST WARNING***WAIT, u know what? To hell with a long post warning. All my posts are probably going to be lengthy, so get used to it. I'm not a man of few words, and I'm cool with that. So here goes....

Summer 2006: Work Hard, then act a Fool!!

1. Work it (at work)!

- Research internship at UCLA...do the dayam thang. Get as much experience and training as possible. Make Dr. Yancey my #1 public health ally. Network like a mofo.
- Personal Training...work at community center 10 hrs/week, private training on weekends.
- NO MORE THAN 45 hrs/week of work. no exceptions

2. Research Project
- write the tightest literature review ever.
- see as much African dance as possible....must be a pro.
- network! Pick the brains of the dance and dance fitness experts.
- get healthy and healed so I can resume my dance training. start VERY slow, but be consistent

3. Preserve the sexy :)
- Make MY fitness more of a priority (thus practicing what I preach)
- CONTROL THE DIET! Fast food is from here on EVICTED from my belly.
- Pick it back up in the kitchen....it saves $ and ensures nutrition.
- Do not slouch on the physical therapy...it sucks, but it's working.
- Cardio is my friend...shoot for at least 1200-1500 yards in the pool, 4 miles on the treadmill. 30 minutes is the minimum! ugh....
- Decide what you want more...improved conditioning, or bigger muscles? Weight lift accordingly.

4. Revive my social life
- Take a clubbing hiatus. Realize that it is virtually impossible to meet anybody of substance at a nightclub, and expand your horizons.
- Stop being so damn shy! Sometimes u gotta let it all hang out. Hold the Scorpio back though....I don't think the world is ready for that yet :)
- Be assertive! When you see somebody that sparks your interest (or something else :)), don't punk out. Be a man and spit game. You can't read minds or pickup on subtle flirtations, so don't expect others to do so. Flirting is fun and oh so hot, but there comes a point when you must let your intentions be known.
- Have plenty of hot, delicious, pulse-popping sex!! (when the right person comes along). If you don't get some action soon, either 'Scorpio' will emerge or yo' azz is gonna self combust! self combustion is not sexy...at all.

***Side Note***. I've referred to 'Scorpio' several times but i haven't really explained what that all is about. For those reading that haven't figured it out, i was born under the astrological sign Scorpio. Scorpios are thought of as silently intense, brooding, and manipulative beings. We also have a reputation of being extremely sexual in nature. I definitely have a Scorpio side but i keep it under wraps because I don't quite know how to handle all that sexual energy yet. I'm actually a little afraid of it. I'll make a comparison....how many of you have seen X-Men 3? You know how Jean turns into Phoenix when Logan tries to kiss her? That's what 'Scorpio' is like, except he's not violent...just extremely horny. OK back to the wish list... :)

- Get the hell out of L.A. every once in a awhile. San Diego, Santa Barbara, Catalina Island, even the Bay Area...all within traveling distance. Make it happen.

5. Travel plans

San Diego - Memorial day weekend (DONE!)
Davis/Sacramento/Bay Area/Stockton - June 16-19th
Seattle, WA - ????
Back to NY - Late summer????
ATLANTA - LABOR DAY WEEKEND...u know!

6. Find a place to live/people to live with. Figure out how much you can afford, and get to looking! How many roommates? Living away from the crazy ass family....YAY!!! Living in Orange County.....BOOO!!!! Take the good with the bad i guess.

7. Family matters: Prepare to be the rock of the family. Mom is not doing so well, and you know you're next in line, so get ready. Be the strong one, but allow yourself to be weak and hurting as well. Be strong, not hard. Coordinate all the bros and sister...you can't do this shit alone, and you shouldn't have to. Try to spend more time with the little ones (nephews and nieces)....they grow so fast.

8. Random ish: do something with the bedroom. Go to the beach at least 3 more times. kick yourself for buying a bootleg digital camera, then buy all the peripherals that should have came with the camera so you can actually use it this summer. Think about having a professional photoshoot...that would be hot. Figure out something to do for volunteer work. Reconnect with your mentor. Take straight friends to a gay club/bar and watch them squirm muahaha!! Put a heavy dent in the reading list. Pray and read the Word more often. Have another NSBE/UC Davis black folks/random bay area peeps reunion and tear up another club...WHAT IS IT!!!??
Have "the talk" with Mom and Dad...it's about time the know the real deal.

That's all I have...for now. Let the (good) madness begin!

New York and DC: The Finish

Okay, I'm getting a little long winded with this New York story, so I'll finish it off with some highlights. I've got so much current stuff in the mix, I can't spend time dwelling on the past. Here goes.........

Loved it/the hotness:
Central Park was the bomb! So beautiful in the morning. not as many weirdos as I expected.

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre/The Ailey School: I had SO MUCH FUN exploring that place. It felt like home, really. That African Dance class i took kicked my ass; however, it re-lit my dedication to my research and made me stay focused on getting back to dancing.

Djoniba Mouflet African Dance School: I was given so much support for my research project, and the folks there were just mad chill. Can't wait to train for my certification there.

Entertainment in the subway: Man they should have been charging admission (well, they kinda do :)) for all the stuff I got to see/hear at the train stations. Breakdancers, musicians, crackhead comedians (a HOT mess), fanatical religious people...good fun for $2!

Having stores on EVERY corner: Fresh fruit and quality eats pretty much everywhere. A definite plus for my health nut during the week-but eats catfish and BBQ on the weekends ass.

H & M!!!!!!!: I'm not much of a shopper, but I acted a damn foo up in this place. And it was right next to a Foot Locker....I had no control. My only complaint were the tight assed pants with no booty-room. Anybody know of a decently priced, junk-friendly jeans manufacturer?

All the ethnic folks: Puerto Ricans, Haitians, West Africans, East Africans, Dominicans, Brazilians, Italian (like from Italy), Jamaicans, White folks, Asians, Black folks...all together and making it work. It's diverse here in LA, but NY has more of it and people actually interact with one another. I also like how the ethnic folks valued being "ethnic". Holding on to one's culture while succeeding in the dominant society is a beautiful thing.

Clubbing till 4 AM!: I love how at 3 am, the DJ is still doin the damn thang on the turntables.
Parking lot/club exit pimping at 4 am...priceless.

Howard University (in DC): So uplifting and inspiring seeing my upwardly mobile brethren thriving. The eye candy was nice as well....woof.

Seeing my long-lost friends: Chillin with Reg was definitely a highlight, as was getting to see my fraternity bro Jeff and friend Ms. Drea from undergrad. I found out a gang of folks I know live in NY/DC, so my next trip is going to be soo ridiculous!


Hated it!/BOO-HISS:

Crazy ass taxi drivers: I almost died 3 TIMES messin' with transportation via taxicab. I'll take my chances with the subway, thank you!

JFK airport: Why does this damn airport gotta be so damn far away from errythang?? Damn it!

The wave cap as a fashion accessory: I'm talking about non-black hair textured folks donning wave caps, as if wearing one will give them more "thug" credibility. The wave cap is a functional grooming item people...if you don't have any waves developing or cornrows to protect, PLEASE leave the cap at home.

High ass prices: New York City and State must have fallen and bumped their heads if they expect anybody to pay 20 bucks just to park on the street. Boo-to-da-hiss.

The Empire State Building: From the outside, I was mesmerized by the magnitude of this building. On the inside, I got my feelings hurt. I totally felt cheated when i found out you can't go all the way to the top without paying extra. And the telescope thingis were hella broke the day i went. Let's work on that please.

The Village: Okay i know I'm probably going to catch fire and brimstone for bad talking "The Village". But from what I saw, I wasn't too thrilled. Maybe it was hyped up too much for me....maybe things weren't crackin on the night that i visited. Anywho, i'll have to go and chill in the Village on a Saturday to see what it's really all about.

Overall Impression:

I bought one of those corny "I-HEART-NY" shirts and rocked it on my way back home...so I must be fond of NY. There's a lot more to see and do in the city. I hardly touched any of the other borroughs, so I definitely need to spend some time away from Manhattan next time. Until then, I'll enjoy my memories and these ridiculous video clips i recorded. When I get a chance, i'll have to post some of them.

-J.

NEW YORK WAS THE HOTNESS!

Ok I admit it. I suck as a member of the blogging community up until now....plenty of comments, but no posts. I guess that's my way of living my life through other people, which is utterly ridiculous considering all the ish that's going on in my own life. Having said that, here is my attempt to redeem myself, and this blog. Hmm...I think I'll start with a series of longer blogs to lay down the foundation for what is going on day to day. Sound good? And I know just where to start....

MY TRIP TO NEW YORK!!!

***my apologies now to my 'long post hating' bloggers....I've been studing narrative qualitative research, and the ish has permeated into every aspect of my communication....so deal!***

After a turbulent 6 months of 15-hr work and school days (grad school is a bitch fo real), family drama, and a very "interesting"dating situation (see the previous post), I decided to say F**K CALIFORNIA and took my ass to the East Coast for a week of rest, relaxation, and actin' a donkey fool! I'd like to thank my boy Reg for encouraging me to invest $ on myself and making the trip out there.....it was WELL worth it.

Day 1:
After a hot mess of a week in preparation for the trip, I found my way on JetBlue Airlines headed to the Big Apple. I had a great time eating premium tortilla chips, taking random pics of 'drool rollin down the face' sleeping passengers, and LAUGHING MY ASS OFF at all the TOMFOOLERY that is being allowed to show on MTV. Oh my sweet jeezus there were folks on there that needed to get fired WITHOUT pension or social security. Made the 5 hours very enjoyable though.

Reg picked me up from the airport, which turned out to be a godsend...this was my first trip to NY, and my dumb ass decided to fly into JFK with no sense of how to find my hotel in midtown Manhattan. Anywho, this was the first time Reg and I met face-to-face, after months of wearing out AIM and our cell phones. From first glance, he seemed like a well put together brotha (well, except for those run-over glasses, but we won't go there :)). But when this fool turned around, things got crucial....this boy had more ass than I did! WTF! Now i know it's bad to have unpure thoughts of your friends, but I couldn't help but notice. So i left in tow of my favorite blogger and a deflated ego :).

First stop was to Queens for Reg's capoeira class. He didn't play, but it was still cool seeing him in his element. His fellow capoeiristas were very nice, and a cool lil' vibe was in the air of that studio. I caught my own head bobbin' and hips moving at several points.

After circling Midtown manhattan for almost an hour trying to find parking that didn't cost like 20 DOLLARS, we arrived at my hotel room, or shall i say my "pod". I was staying in one of those budget hotels, and being the broke ass academian that I am, I jumped at the $70/night accommodations. My dorm room in college was bigger than this room, y'all. 4 walls, a twin bed, sink, and a table. That's it. Despite the serious lack of space, i was delighted to find a small flat screen TV and an Ipod compatible radio up in the mix. The space was perfect for me, but taking a look at that bed killed all expectations of entertaining overnight guests...sigh...

The first night was spent at a Latin/Brazilian club, Bemba, in Brooklyn. I was originally going to hit up the legendary Shawn QT's b-day party in Newark, but I soon realized that NY is big as hell and not the best place to be wandering alone at night. I spent the night cuttin' up and dancing alongside Reg and his friends. His folks were mad cool, especially that cute Colombian girl Gina. She gave me a nickname! I will now be known as "Funky Freaky" while at the club. Hey, what can I say? It had been a minute since i last danced, and when a hot beat comes on my hips and facial expressions have minds of their own...and I'm sure the capirinhas and mojitos didn't help my case either :). Y'all New York folks blow L.A. out of the water when it comes to nightlife...i had a GREAT time.

Day 2:

After a much needed night of rest, I woke up super late and hongry as hell. Hit up this nice lil' French restaurant next door to the hotel. I'm seated at the bar next to this middle aged white lady who was RAISIN' HELL on the wait staff. My first though was "why they got to sit me next to this disgruntled ass heifer!?" However, after she explained why she was all heated, we ended up having a good conversation. A 2 HOUR conversation, complete with champagne and cappuccino. I don't know why the hell I engaged in conversation with this random lady, but it was good talk and I learned a lot about the city. And who says New Yorkers are unfriendly?! Whatever, y'all were cool with me!

After the food, I took a ride uptown to Harlem. I was lookin HELLA rough and needed to make friends with a set o' clippers and a straight razor. Found a barber shop, and got my first real experience of black folks in NY. Y'all are a trip, fo real...new york heads talk twice as much shit at the shop compared to L.A. barbers. They had me lookin' right though so it was all good. Something weird happened though. I mentioned to my barber that I needed to find something to do that night (it was Sunday), and he suggested that I hit up this spot called "Bed" down in Tribeca/West Village. I was like "cool, whatever" thinking this place was a kick-back Neo-Soul lounge or something....boy was I wrong....i'll get into this a bit later.

Jumped back on the train down to the Lower East Side to see Reggie play capoeira...got hung up in a 'traffic jam' on the tracks (how the f*** can u have a traffic jam on some train tracks??) and didn't make it in time. When I finally got there, i missed my chance to see Reg in action. When I stepped to him, all i got was a cold stare and "You're Late." Oops. I could tell he was really pissed, but he TRIED to play it off. thanks for not biting my head off bruh!

After briefly hooking up with Reg and a few of his peeps, I went back to my room and got myself so fresh and so clean for my night out. After catching the wrong train and walking 15 blocks, I found myself in front of "Bed". This was NOT some kick-back lounge. From the outside, it looked like the frickin' Rage, or Factory in West Hollywood! This thugged out barber (whom I assumed was straight) directed me to a friggin gay party...on a SUNDAY! Now keep in mind I never mentioned my orientation to this dude....homeboy read me like a New York Times and sent me to the playground! Looks like my "straight-guy" persona is slowly starting to fade away...oh well!

Needless to say, I acted a damn fool at Bed. As I mentioned before, you New York heads are on some different stuff. At most of the clubs in L.A., you have to deal with pretension, excessive shallowness, and creepy old guys. I didn't get that impression at this joint. The upstairs area (where the hip-hop and latin beats were playin) was full of BEAUTIFUL men of all colors and sizes. Dont get me wrong, there was some triflin' negroes in the mix, but for the most part everybody was cool. I loved how the guys that wanted to meet you actually stepped up and spit game instead of just looking at you from across the room. Being assertive is hot! Anyways, I was treated to some bomb music, hot young men, one FIERCE vogue showdown, good drinks and debauchery until 6 in the morn....and I left the club at 3...u do the math :)

Ok, this is getting really long so I'll end it here. I'll finish this off next post.

J.

How'd i end up being somebody's groove?

*******************WARNING----Long Post coming your way****************

I'm feeling so good today so i'm gonna give it up two times...it's all about the stamina, baby! Ok i better stop. Anywho, I mentioned earlier that I'm talking to a guy right now....what I didn't mention was this guy is older than me...I mean How Stella Got Her Groove Back older. What the f**k did I do to attract this guy? See, this is why I get for wearing some tight in the ass church pants out in public.

At least i can imagine i have one more thing in common with Taye Diggs :). People say I'm resemble him...what do you think?

I personally don't think I do, but the thought of it is HELLA FLATTERING :).

Anyways, I met this guy about 3 Sundays ago (hence my using the term 'church pants'...his phrase actually :)). I went to the library to study, only to find out the place was packed and parking was not gonna happen. The guy (who i'll refer to as YoungAtHeart), was leaving his space. He had his boy hop out the car and stand in the space so I wouldn't miss it. After parking and thanking him, he asked me for the digits. Being the nice guy that I am, and truly appreciating the kind gesture, I hooked him up.

We've hung out a few times since then, which led up to this weekend. We were together from friday night till Sunday morning. I thought i'd be ready to kill him by saturday night, but actually I had a great time being with him. He's exposed me to things that I've always wanted to see/do, but never made the time or effort to commit myself to. I love it when people challenge me out of my zone of familiarity and make me do something different.

I can honestly say that I like the guy. He has a career he loves, is established, has goals, has a nice lil house, and can engage me in thought provoking conversation (a BIG turn on for me). He also has this interesting mix of maturity and youthfulness. We went to a disco club where he and his friends TORE IT UP. I had to pull out some paper and a pen, cuz they took my azz to school! On the flip side, we later went to a hip hop private party and he held his own in my element. Hell, he knew some of the hottest guys that were in attendance!

He's even opened my eyes to new initmate experiences. Nothing too serious, but I'll just say that I'm learning how to enjoy receiving as much I enjoy giving pleasure :). Guys my age just don't seem to understand that intimacy is a 2 way street, but he gets it!

With all of the qualities that attract me to YoungAtHeart come a few issues. First is his use of the term "daddy". It makes me cringe whenever he refers to me or himself as 'daddy'. ESPECIALLY when we are being intimate. Every time it is spoken i think "please don't say daddy...you're damn near old enough to be my daddy...eww." Second, just the age disparity in general causes tension for me. He talks a lot of shit about 'kids today' and the disgrace of hip hop artists today. While I feel he makes some valid points, I find myself defending my youth when he starts talkin out the side of his neck. We got a few looks and comments when we were out, and I was rather put off by the attention we were receiving. I could point out a few more things, but i'm trying not to be so damn critical of everything.

So yeah, i'm at a crossroads. I don't know what to do with this situation. I'm only 24 and have been 'out and about' for less than a year. Part of me wants to avoid tying myself down and explore, while another part of me craves the attention and affection of a boyfriend. YoungAtHeart is a nice guy, treats me the way i like to be treated, and is willing to deal with my crazy schedule and limited access to free time. He tells me he is open to taking this slow, but his action indicate he's looking for a guy to settle down with. Am I at a point in my life where I can handle being in a relationship like this? Can I handle my first boyfriend being almost 20 years older than me? Ugh, i don't know....

Nuggets of wisdom/advice are more than welcome:)

J.

Out of the Closet, and into the Fire

Hey folks!

It's been a hot minute since i last posted, but I'm back!! Yeeaahh booiiii! Right, on to more serious matters.

Life these past few months has been...a rollercoaster. Monday through Friday, my entire existence revolves around my education and off campus job. I'm talking about 15 hour days on a campus, y'all. Alas, that's what needed to keep the pimp hand down in this department, so i gotta handle it! I love it because everything i'm learning and experiencing is on my terms, but dayam! These graduate professors are trying to kill a brotha!

Despite the hot mess of a schedule i endure during the week, I've finally managed to settle into a balance of fun and relaxation on the weekends. I've commited myself to acting a DAMN FOOL on Saturday nights, and that's going well so far. Quite a few scenes of ridiculousness have occurred on these nights....i'll give you the details when time allows.

I've got a lot of ish i gotta get down on this here blog, but I'll start with what's been on my mind and heart recently. Right now, I'm neck deep in the coming out process. The first step was opening up to my close friends and my ex-girlfriend, which was ok. I lost two 'friends' in the process, but our relationships weren't built on shit anyways, so it's all good. Now, i've moved on to family, fraternity, and church...

I've had the talk with my only sister and my 'big' brother. I have 4 bros, but I only have a strong 'big bro-little bro' relationship with one of them. Both of them were a little shocked, but they support me. They are very worried for me though...which i think is soo precious. I can take care of myself, but it feels good knowing if some knuckle head gets crazy, he has not one but 3 crazy negroes ready to cut his ass :)

I'll leave the church for another day...not ready to go there yet. Still praying for strength :).

My parents will know the full extent of my sexuality very soon. I'm currently seeing somebody right now, and me being MIA on the weekends friday-sunday has not gone unnoticed (i currently live at home to avoid poverty as a grad student). I have a policy of being 100% honest with my parents, and i can't stand not telling the full story. As much as I worry about their reaction, I'm certain they have an idea that i'm into men...i've confided in my mother about a guy i 'experimented' with in college, and my dad walked in on me drooling at Jensen Atwood on Noah's Arc a few months back(goddamn that man is on fire).

I'm confident that my parents wont trip too hard when I own up to it, but it's gonna be some different shit when I bring a guy home. It's one thing to hear it, but a totally different thing seeing your youngest son hugged up with a grown ass man. OOH LAWD I hope somebody has a camcorder :) It's just a matter of time before my dad says "Alright son, where the hell have you been these last few weekends??? You been getting some, huh?". When that happens, it will be ON.

Until then, i'll continue to work with passion, and act a damn fool. Peace.

J.

Can freakiness be genetically linked?

I'm gonna jump this blog off on a topic that I've been identifying with more and more lately...SEX. After having a rather steamy conversation with my boy Reg about a certain somebody I'm getting to know, i began to think about the complexity of my sexuality. I'm not talking about sexual orientation, however it does play a part in everything. I'm talking about my sexual nature...appetite, compulsions, fantasies, and behaviors. Have any of you really taken a look at how you think, act, and behave sexually? If you haven't and want to take a look, be VERY careful. You could find out that you are one seriously repressed freak, like i did. I truly believe i was born a freak-a-leek, and have been fighting it since puberty. Let me explain.

Let's first examine the circumstances of my conception. I was conceived only 4 weeks after my mom gave birth to my brother closest in age. That means my parents couldn't keep their hands off each other for the mandatory 6 weeks post-delivery. I was conceived on Valentine's Day of 1981 and born on November 11th, making me a boneified Scorpio (and we all know what freaks scorpios can be). Now all that could be dismissed as nonsense...but...it gets better. My mama was ALSO conceived on a Valentine's Day 30 years earlier, being born on November 14th and making her a Scorpio. That means my grandparents were getting busy in the shack on the day of romance to spawn their youngest child just like my parents did. I was conceived on the day of lovin, born under the freakiest sign in zodiac, to a couple of horny ass parents. Okay, let's move on...

I have been exposed to sex for as long as I can remember. As the youngest of 5 boys and a freaky ass sister, I heard a lot and saw a lot as a lil' one. My parents, god bless em, never sugar coated anything related to sex....they gave it to us raw and uncensored. They even shared (and still do share) about their sexual escapades...eww right? But oh no, that is all normal in my household. At the age of 16, my parents questioned me about my sex life...they were afraid i didn't have one! (which i didn't). I received a box of condoms as a gift on prom night from one of my brothers, with specific instructions to use them all before I got home. And the question on everybody's mind during my first winter vacation from college? "Boy, have you gotten any yet?"

If i had responded to them, I would have said "Hell No!" I had a front row seat, watching the consequences of immature sex unfold before me. I saw too many of my brothers and sisters have kids too soon and give up on dreams. Too many pregnant girls and baby-faced daddies walked the halls of my high school. As much as I was a typical horny teenager, I chose to put the "CLINK CLINK" on myself until I was ready to handle being sexually active with maturity. Besides, I saw what happened when guys got that first piece of flesh...they lost they damn mind! I was determined to keep mine. Oh how naive i was...

So yeah, that was the first reason i gave myself for being a prude. The second one surfaced right before I started college. I found myself starting to pay attention to the boys. I never really thought about guys in a physical sense up until that point. You see, one of my roommates freshmen year was a wrestler. While I had absolutely NO physical attraction to him (he's my brotha from anotha motha) I gotta say I appreciated some of the beautiful men on his team. What really set it off was seeing my first wrestling meet...i fell in love with the sport's athleticism, intensity, and...homoeroticism. I gotta admit, after that first meet, i became a fan of wrestling for reasons other than supporting my roommate :).

I had a similar reaction when I started dancing and doing gymnastics. I found myself captivated by these male athletes and artists, so masculine in their strength and power, but performing with a grace and style sometimes more beautiful than the women. I'm not sure if I could say that I was sexually attracted to men, but i definitely held a physical attraction. DEFINITELY.

Now how did i respond to this? I put myself on an even harder lockdown. I still found women sexually attractive, so I pushed my attraction for men aside and buried myself in denial. Big mistake. I probably would have had an enjoyable love and sex life in college if I hadn't hid from my sexuality. Instead, I got even more sexually repressed because I balked at pursuing the women too. I felt as if I couldn't offer them what they deserved because I knew i had some kind of feelings for men. I locked myself down from all intimate contact. Now you just don't do that when you're young, dumb, and full of....you get the picture :)

Pandora whooped my ass for keeping that box closed for so long. I was in Atlanta when the freak emerged. I allowed myself to explore all aspects of my sexuality. And explore I did! My confusion about being more than physically attracted to men went right through the window. Along with it went any remaining sense of sexual restraint i had. Yes, i was a straight up ho for those 5 days. I was exposed to a new world, surrounded by thousands of beautiful chocolate men and women, and I hadn't had a true taste of anything for close to 23 years. What would u do in that situation?

Since that trip, there has been this ongoing struggle in my body. On one side there's the "i'm an honorable, i wanna get to know you, honor you, be your friend first" nice guy. On the other side there's the "oooh i'm so horny, i ain't had none in weeks, u lookin kind of good, i bet i could turn you out real quick" sexually-charged guy. The nice guy usually wins, unless somebody i think is fine decides to flirt with me. Then, it's on. If we become intimate and I find his errogenous zones and hot spots, it becomes like a game. I'll turn on the heat, and listen to him melt...which drives me even more crazy. But it usually ends there, because now the person has been thoroughly satisfied and I have not given them a chance to return the favor...damnit.

So yeah, that's where I am now. I've come to terms with many things, including my freakiness. I have to act prudish...if I didn't i'd be WAY too hot in the ass. I think what I need is to be in a committed relationship, where I can truly feel comfortable letting myself go and receive the pleasure i so eagerly like to give out. When that person comes along, and we click emotionally, spritually, and physically, i hope he (or she?) has taken their vitamins.

Can anybody relate to this? Holla at cha boy.

Dancehard.

A New Blog, A New Beginning

Please excuse the cheesy title...i couldn't think of anything else to call this thing. First of all, thanks for coming over and chillin at my lil slice of the internet. Like the title says, this blog marks a new chapter in my life...a chapter where I have learned, through many trials, triumphs, and tribulations, that life is too valuable and worthwhile to squnder with fear, insecurity, and inaction. I'm through with living life by the rules and expectations of others. No, that doesn't mean i'm tossing the F***K YOU at any one in particular, it means that I'm gonna do me, whatever and whomever it may be at any given point. For all of you that know me, I'm still going to be that same reliable, caring, sensitive, poised but ETHNIC at tha drop of a hat, guy. However, you will see is a deeper side....the raw, in your face side that scared me for the longest time. I've actually grown some balls and am going to let them hang. So yeah, I hope you all (new friends and old) enjoy a glimpse into my life.

Be warned...many of these posts you will read will be hella random. I have a lot of stuff running through this mind of mine, and putting it down in writing is how I keep everythang moving. Ahh, writing can be so cathartic...wouldn't you agree? Expect to find stuff about romance, sex (I was a virgin for all of 23 years....that's a lot of freak to be repressed for so long!), my CRAZY ASS family (gotta love em), sexuality (this will be a big one folks), friends, school, politics, and whatever else seems fun to write about. Let the journey begin!