How'd i end up being somebody's groove?

*******************WARNING----Long Post coming your way****************

I'm feeling so good today so i'm gonna give it up two times...it's all about the stamina, baby! Ok i better stop. Anywho, I mentioned earlier that I'm talking to a guy right now....what I didn't mention was this guy is older than me...I mean How Stella Got Her Groove Back older. What the f**k did I do to attract this guy? See, this is why I get for wearing some tight in the ass church pants out in public.

At least i can imagine i have one more thing in common with Taye Diggs :). People say I'm resemble him...what do you think?

I personally don't think I do, but the thought of it is HELLA FLATTERING :).

Anyways, I met this guy about 3 Sundays ago (hence my using the term 'church pants'...his phrase actually :)). I went to the library to study, only to find out the place was packed and parking was not gonna happen. The guy (who i'll refer to as YoungAtHeart), was leaving his space. He had his boy hop out the car and stand in the space so I wouldn't miss it. After parking and thanking him, he asked me for the digits. Being the nice guy that I am, and truly appreciating the kind gesture, I hooked him up.

We've hung out a few times since then, which led up to this weekend. We were together from friday night till Sunday morning. I thought i'd be ready to kill him by saturday night, but actually I had a great time being with him. He's exposed me to things that I've always wanted to see/do, but never made the time or effort to commit myself to. I love it when people challenge me out of my zone of familiarity and make me do something different.

I can honestly say that I like the guy. He has a career he loves, is established, has goals, has a nice lil house, and can engage me in thought provoking conversation (a BIG turn on for me). He also has this interesting mix of maturity and youthfulness. We went to a disco club where he and his friends TORE IT UP. I had to pull out some paper and a pen, cuz they took my azz to school! On the flip side, we later went to a hip hop private party and he held his own in my element. Hell, he knew some of the hottest guys that were in attendance!

He's even opened my eyes to new initmate experiences. Nothing too serious, but I'll just say that I'm learning how to enjoy receiving as much I enjoy giving pleasure :). Guys my age just don't seem to understand that intimacy is a 2 way street, but he gets it!

With all of the qualities that attract me to YoungAtHeart come a few issues. First is his use of the term "daddy". It makes me cringe whenever he refers to me or himself as 'daddy'. ESPECIALLY when we are being intimate. Every time it is spoken i think "please don't say daddy...you're damn near old enough to be my daddy...eww." Second, just the age disparity in general causes tension for me. He talks a lot of shit about 'kids today' and the disgrace of hip hop artists today. While I feel he makes some valid points, I find myself defending my youth when he starts talkin out the side of his neck. We got a few looks and comments when we were out, and I was rather put off by the attention we were receiving. I could point out a few more things, but i'm trying not to be so damn critical of everything.

So yeah, i'm at a crossroads. I don't know what to do with this situation. I'm only 24 and have been 'out and about' for less than a year. Part of me wants to avoid tying myself down and explore, while another part of me craves the attention and affection of a boyfriend. YoungAtHeart is a nice guy, treats me the way i like to be treated, and is willing to deal with my crazy schedule and limited access to free time. He tells me he is open to taking this slow, but his action indicate he's looking for a guy to settle down with. Am I at a point in my life where I can handle being in a relationship like this? Can I handle my first boyfriend being almost 20 years older than me? Ugh, i don't know....

Nuggets of wisdom/advice are more than welcome:)

J.

Out of the Closet, and into the Fire

Hey folks!

It's been a hot minute since i last posted, but I'm back!! Yeeaahh booiiii! Right, on to more serious matters.

Life these past few months has been...a rollercoaster. Monday through Friday, my entire existence revolves around my education and off campus job. I'm talking about 15 hour days on a campus, y'all. Alas, that's what needed to keep the pimp hand down in this department, so i gotta handle it! I love it because everything i'm learning and experiencing is on my terms, but dayam! These graduate professors are trying to kill a brotha!

Despite the hot mess of a schedule i endure during the week, I've finally managed to settle into a balance of fun and relaxation on the weekends. I've commited myself to acting a DAMN FOOL on Saturday nights, and that's going well so far. Quite a few scenes of ridiculousness have occurred on these nights....i'll give you the details when time allows.

I've got a lot of ish i gotta get down on this here blog, but I'll start with what's been on my mind and heart recently. Right now, I'm neck deep in the coming out process. The first step was opening up to my close friends and my ex-girlfriend, which was ok. I lost two 'friends' in the process, but our relationships weren't built on shit anyways, so it's all good. Now, i've moved on to family, fraternity, and church...

I've had the talk with my only sister and my 'big' brother. I have 4 bros, but I only have a strong 'big bro-little bro' relationship with one of them. Both of them were a little shocked, but they support me. They are very worried for me though...which i think is soo precious. I can take care of myself, but it feels good knowing if some knuckle head gets crazy, he has not one but 3 crazy negroes ready to cut his ass :)

I'll leave the church for another day...not ready to go there yet. Still praying for strength :).

My parents will know the full extent of my sexuality very soon. I'm currently seeing somebody right now, and me being MIA on the weekends friday-sunday has not gone unnoticed (i currently live at home to avoid poverty as a grad student). I have a policy of being 100% honest with my parents, and i can't stand not telling the full story. As much as I worry about their reaction, I'm certain they have an idea that i'm into men...i've confided in my mother about a guy i 'experimented' with in college, and my dad walked in on me drooling at Jensen Atwood on Noah's Arc a few months back(goddamn that man is on fire).

I'm confident that my parents wont trip too hard when I own up to it, but it's gonna be some different shit when I bring a guy home. It's one thing to hear it, but a totally different thing seeing your youngest son hugged up with a grown ass man. OOH LAWD I hope somebody has a camcorder :) It's just a matter of time before my dad says "Alright son, where the hell have you been these last few weekends??? You been getting some, huh?". When that happens, it will be ON.

Until then, i'll continue to work with passion, and act a damn fool. Peace.

J.

Can freakiness be genetically linked?

I'm gonna jump this blog off on a topic that I've been identifying with more and more lately...SEX. After having a rather steamy conversation with my boy Reg about a certain somebody I'm getting to know, i began to think about the complexity of my sexuality. I'm not talking about sexual orientation, however it does play a part in everything. I'm talking about my sexual nature...appetite, compulsions, fantasies, and behaviors. Have any of you really taken a look at how you think, act, and behave sexually? If you haven't and want to take a look, be VERY careful. You could find out that you are one seriously repressed freak, like i did. I truly believe i was born a freak-a-leek, and have been fighting it since puberty. Let me explain.

Let's first examine the circumstances of my conception. I was conceived only 4 weeks after my mom gave birth to my brother closest in age. That means my parents couldn't keep their hands off each other for the mandatory 6 weeks post-delivery. I was conceived on Valentine's Day of 1981 and born on November 11th, making me a boneified Scorpio (and we all know what freaks scorpios can be). Now all that could be dismissed as nonsense...but...it gets better. My mama was ALSO conceived on a Valentine's Day 30 years earlier, being born on November 14th and making her a Scorpio. That means my grandparents were getting busy in the shack on the day of romance to spawn their youngest child just like my parents did. I was conceived on the day of lovin, born under the freakiest sign in zodiac, to a couple of horny ass parents. Okay, let's move on...

I have been exposed to sex for as long as I can remember. As the youngest of 5 boys and a freaky ass sister, I heard a lot and saw a lot as a lil' one. My parents, god bless em, never sugar coated anything related to sex....they gave it to us raw and uncensored. They even shared (and still do share) about their sexual escapades...eww right? But oh no, that is all normal in my household. At the age of 16, my parents questioned me about my sex life...they were afraid i didn't have one! (which i didn't). I received a box of condoms as a gift on prom night from one of my brothers, with specific instructions to use them all before I got home. And the question on everybody's mind during my first winter vacation from college? "Boy, have you gotten any yet?"

If i had responded to them, I would have said "Hell No!" I had a front row seat, watching the consequences of immature sex unfold before me. I saw too many of my brothers and sisters have kids too soon and give up on dreams. Too many pregnant girls and baby-faced daddies walked the halls of my high school. As much as I was a typical horny teenager, I chose to put the "CLINK CLINK" on myself until I was ready to handle being sexually active with maturity. Besides, I saw what happened when guys got that first piece of flesh...they lost they damn mind! I was determined to keep mine. Oh how naive i was...

So yeah, that was the first reason i gave myself for being a prude. The second one surfaced right before I started college. I found myself starting to pay attention to the boys. I never really thought about guys in a physical sense up until that point. You see, one of my roommates freshmen year was a wrestler. While I had absolutely NO physical attraction to him (he's my brotha from anotha motha) I gotta say I appreciated some of the beautiful men on his team. What really set it off was seeing my first wrestling meet...i fell in love with the sport's athleticism, intensity, and...homoeroticism. I gotta admit, after that first meet, i became a fan of wrestling for reasons other than supporting my roommate :).

I had a similar reaction when I started dancing and doing gymnastics. I found myself captivated by these male athletes and artists, so masculine in their strength and power, but performing with a grace and style sometimes more beautiful than the women. I'm not sure if I could say that I was sexually attracted to men, but i definitely held a physical attraction. DEFINITELY.

Now how did i respond to this? I put myself on an even harder lockdown. I still found women sexually attractive, so I pushed my attraction for men aside and buried myself in denial. Big mistake. I probably would have had an enjoyable love and sex life in college if I hadn't hid from my sexuality. Instead, I got even more sexually repressed because I balked at pursuing the women too. I felt as if I couldn't offer them what they deserved because I knew i had some kind of feelings for men. I locked myself down from all intimate contact. Now you just don't do that when you're young, dumb, and full of....you get the picture :)

Pandora whooped my ass for keeping that box closed for so long. I was in Atlanta when the freak emerged. I allowed myself to explore all aspects of my sexuality. And explore I did! My confusion about being more than physically attracted to men went right through the window. Along with it went any remaining sense of sexual restraint i had. Yes, i was a straight up ho for those 5 days. I was exposed to a new world, surrounded by thousands of beautiful chocolate men and women, and I hadn't had a true taste of anything for close to 23 years. What would u do in that situation?

Since that trip, there has been this ongoing struggle in my body. On one side there's the "i'm an honorable, i wanna get to know you, honor you, be your friend first" nice guy. On the other side there's the "oooh i'm so horny, i ain't had none in weeks, u lookin kind of good, i bet i could turn you out real quick" sexually-charged guy. The nice guy usually wins, unless somebody i think is fine decides to flirt with me. Then, it's on. If we become intimate and I find his errogenous zones and hot spots, it becomes like a game. I'll turn on the heat, and listen to him melt...which drives me even more crazy. But it usually ends there, because now the person has been thoroughly satisfied and I have not given them a chance to return the favor...damnit.

So yeah, that's where I am now. I've come to terms with many things, including my freakiness. I have to act prudish...if I didn't i'd be WAY too hot in the ass. I think what I need is to be in a committed relationship, where I can truly feel comfortable letting myself go and receive the pleasure i so eagerly like to give out. When that person comes along, and we click emotionally, spritually, and physically, i hope he (or she?) has taken their vitamins.

Can anybody relate to this? Holla at cha boy.

Dancehard.

A New Blog, A New Beginning

Please excuse the cheesy title...i couldn't think of anything else to call this thing. First of all, thanks for coming over and chillin at my lil slice of the internet. Like the title says, this blog marks a new chapter in my life...a chapter where I have learned, through many trials, triumphs, and tribulations, that life is too valuable and worthwhile to squnder with fear, insecurity, and inaction. I'm through with living life by the rules and expectations of others. No, that doesn't mean i'm tossing the F***K YOU at any one in particular, it means that I'm gonna do me, whatever and whomever it may be at any given point. For all of you that know me, I'm still going to be that same reliable, caring, sensitive, poised but ETHNIC at tha drop of a hat, guy. However, you will see is a deeper side....the raw, in your face side that scared me for the longest time. I've actually grown some balls and am going to let them hang. So yeah, I hope you all (new friends and old) enjoy a glimpse into my life.

Be warned...many of these posts you will read will be hella random. I have a lot of stuff running through this mind of mine, and putting it down in writing is how I keep everythang moving. Ahh, writing can be so cathartic...wouldn't you agree? Expect to find stuff about romance, sex (I was a virgin for all of 23 years....that's a lot of freak to be repressed for so long!), my CRAZY ASS family (gotta love em), sexuality (this will be a big one folks), friends, school, politics, and whatever else seems fun to write about. Let the journey begin!