Sittin on the fence

I'm still here y'all

2009-08-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

Hey blogopia...just wanted to check in real quick. I'm still around, doing my thang and such. Life is just giving me a LOT right now, so I gotta just keep moving and making things happen. I'll be back in the game once I get myself together and back on a more balanced path. Don't trip tho! Most of what's going on is very POSITIVE, I just have to figure out how I'm going to deal with what's coming to me. Stay posted, and THRIVE!

Jammie.

My Brother's Keeper

2009-04-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

***WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD. What can I say, I have a story to tell!***

As many of you know, life in the "ivory tower" of academia can be quite a challenge for people of color, especially young black men. As much as I'd like to say that racism, classism, and stereotyping have no place among "enlightened" folks, that shit just isn't true. I can guarantee that ANY black man that has traveled the yard of a 'mainstream' institution of higher learning has encountered what I call that "that bullshit". Calls from security when too many of us congregate, the look of shock and awe when you say something profound in class, the look of WOW! when you acknowledge your doctoral studies, "can I touch your afro?", "is the myth about black men true?", getting followed in the bookstore, you know...that bullshit. I've seen some of it, experienced even more, and have heard ALL about it. It's sad, but after 9 years of higher education I'm quite numb to the foolishness. However, when I see other young brothers go through it, it kills me inside.

Yesterday, after getting inspired by attending my school's track meet with my dad (booyyy lemme tell you...cakes and thighs, CAKES AND THIGHS!!! Whooo!), I push it on to the campus gym for a late afternoon workout. After seeing how damn CROWDED it was and kicking myself for not going earlier, I get my gear on and go through the motions. As I'm doing my thang, I peep this Young Brotha I haven't seen around before getting his swole on. Young (about 20 I guessed), dark-skinned, very athletic, bald head, good looking brotha (ok he was sexy as hell but that's not the point LOL). I checked out his demeanor...seemed quite jovial and spirited; had great gym etiquette, was conscious of others' space, and was working hard. We acknowledge each other with a smile and a nod as I move to another room.

As I finish my knee rehab exercises (good LAWD when will this be OVER?!) and head back to the main room to hit the weights, I hear a commotion. I see Young Brotha squared up with 2 white guys, both dudes all up in his face in anger. Young Brotha has his hands up in a "hey I don't want any trouble" pose but is clearly not backing down from the other dudes. A gym attendant comes to break up the squabble, the two white guys following the attendant back to the front desk. Young Brotha shakes his head like "what the hell just happened?", shrugs, and goes back to his business. He heads outside to the outdoor gym area ands starts working on some martial arts moves and conditioning.

I head out to same area to finish my half assed workout, and I peep Young Brotha. He clearly looks pissed, but is moving on with his exercises. As I get through set 1 of the Circuit from Hell, here comes campus security. A white male officer approaches Young Brotha. Asks for his ID, questions him, you know...that bullshit. At this point, I decide to pay more attention to the scene playing before me than acting like I'm a 300 Spartan :). Young Brotha is trying to be polite and calm, but I can tell that nigga switch was itching to be pushed. From what I hear, Young Brotha asked repeatedly "What did I do wrong?" and "Man, I just want to workout!" while he's talking to the cops. A female cop joins her partner and the inquistion continues. By this time, a handful of looky-loos are watching from inside the main room, including one of the dudes that was in the squabble. Young Brotha respectfully holds his ground, the cops record something from his ID, and leave. Young Brotha looks up to the sky, curses something, and starts pacing. Shit.

Soon enough, his eyes meet mine and he gives me the "look". That look of "did that shit just happen to me? Did you see that?". That was my cue. I nod, head over to where he is, and take a seat close by. I take this young man in, and I see it all. The anger of being the presumed suspect, the embarrassment of having this all unfold publicly, the confusion over why he was the only one approached by police...it was written all over his face, but I FELT IT. Young Brotha is sitting next to me, eyes hard and focused forward, chest heaving, arms pumped, ready to go OFF. I exhale, put my hand on his shoulder, and say "Breathe." He looks me straight in the eye, eyes blazing, ready to strike out. I speak again: "Brotha you don't have to say a word...I know. Take a breath." He sizes me up, nods, takes a few deep breaths, and I feel a bit of the tension release.

We then start to talk. Young Brotha is 18, a freshmen, born and raised locally in South Central LA, and on academic scholarship. He's a former wrestler, black belt in Karate, and training as an MMA fighter (soo THAT explains that BODY, lol). He's been on campus since September, and he's fed up. Turns out this hasn't been his first run in with the bullshit...from the dorms, to the classroom, to hanging out with friends he has dealt with harassment and disrespect. I let the brother vent a little bit, and his stories are like deja vu to me. 10 years ago I was right where he was...an intelligent, amiable, young black man trying to play and be nice in an foreign environment that clearly doesn't think you belong there.

Right in the middle of us talking, a gym attendant approaches and hands him his identification. This guy offers a half-assed explanation for why the security was called and tries to assure Young Brotha that he was "just doing his job". Young Brotha snatches his stuff back, offers a tight lipped "Thank You" and returns to our conversation. The gym attendant interrupts again by saying "So umm, you should know that the gym closes in like 15 minutes, so like umm...yeah". We both turn and give him the "FUCK OFF!" look so he takes off. Now why do people come with that foolishness when grown folks are talking? DAMN! Anywho...

Being the good Black kid and turning the other cheek was getting tired for him. He felt that one of the only safe spaces he had on campus, the gym, had now been compromised. He wanted to kick some ass, literally. But he already knew that behavior would not only get him arrested or even shot, but would confirm those perceptions of Black Men as hostile troublemakers who needed to be kept on a short leash. Brotha was going through it right in front of me. That ish hurt my spirit. Then that single tear fell from his right eye. Shit. This beautiful young man...strong, proud, and full of life, was getting beat down emotionally in an environment that SHOULD be welcoming and full of promise.

His questions kept ringing through my head "What did I do?" "Why can I just workout in peace?". After he was done with his vent, I gave him some words. Let him know that no environment is immune to "the bullshit"; it comes with the territory of being a black man on campus. Told him that he didn't have to "do" anything, his sheer presence (a physically imposing young Black Man) is enough to make him a suspect, no matter how much he smiles or tries to be the good guy. I let him know that even though that may be the case, that's THEIR burden to bear, not YOURS. Do NOT embrace that bullshit as your own, it has nothing to do with you. I told him the challenge of dealing with this madness is to conduct yourself with poise and respect, but at the same time call people out on their shit and make them take a look at themselves in the mirror. If there is a burden to bear, it's the task of having to constantly show AND tell people how you demand to be treated without resorting to having "a nigga moment" when someone pushes the line just a bit too far. Being proactive instead of reactive is a burden. Anticipating the bullshit and dispatching it accordingly instead of internalizing it is a burden. I tried my best to impart my insights on this young man, who I feared might lash out our grow a serious chip on his shoulder if he didn't find a way to thrive in the midst of this drama.

After we finished talking, he pulled me into a brothaman hug, took a breath, and thanked me for talking to him. I told him he didn't need to thank me, i was doing my job as another brotha, but I'd gracious accept his thanks. We parted ways, and I said a prayer for this young man.

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes I am. Somebody's got to be.

J.

Back to Basics

2009-04-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a minute since I've last contributed to blogopia...how y'all been?! I've had my share of triumphs and challenges over the past four months (damn, has been that long?), but here I stand!

I've been thinking long and hard about how I'm living my life, and I keep coming to the conclusion that...I make things TOO DIFFICULT. Yes, I'll admit to being ambitious, stubborn, maybe even a bit Type-A, but I've always felt it was necessary for success. I'm now starting to see that life is always going to be complex (at least for me), but it damn sure doesn't have to be complicated. I've made shit too damn hard for far too long.

Sooo, I've decided to go back to basics. Fall back on the few principles I've used sporadically throughout my life that have always served me well. I haven't got it all figured out yet, but this is what I've got:

1. Work hard, then PLAY hard: Sure I've had the work hard on lock, but PLAYing??? Not so much. I definitely know how to let loose and act a damn fool, but I see that I don't allow myself that often enough. I need it at least once a week, and I have to work strategically during the week to make sure I get it. So yes, leave the Facebook alone at work, handle my business, and shut it DOWN at least one night of the week.

2. Work it out! This applies to getting my fitness back on point. All day every day I preach health and wellness, but I don't feel I look the part....and I sure as hell don't FEEL the part. So you know what that means....get my ass up at 5 and get my gym time in! Get back on the wagon with this knee rehab so I can finally get my ass up in a dance class. Start cooking every weekday and stop giving the cafeteria at work so much of my damn (non-existent) money.

3. Laugh and laugh often. Life for me isn't complete unless I get a gut busting laugh on a daily basis, and I haven't been getting my daily fixes. Even if it's laughing at my own foolishness, I gotta find more chuckles out of life.

Okay, that's enough for now. More to come soon! It's good to be back!

An Official Apple Whore!

2009-01-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's official...with the recent purchase of my amazingly GROWN AND SEXY iPhone I am now a boneified APPLE WHORE. Some would call it an addiction, but then again who's absolutely in love with their addiction? Naw, I'm a big ol' Apple HO :)

I don't know about y'all, but I can't get over how cute, flashy, and functional this little piece of love is! Of course my Apple cherry was popped some time ago (thanks Darian and MacBook!), but acquiring this iPhone feels like my first technological orgasm (lol the iPhone hit my T-spot!). I know it sounds extreme, but this device is BAD!

Does anybody want to share in my whoredom? Calling all fellow Apple whores...lend me your knowledge! Does any know of any must have apps to download? Special iPhone tricks? Let a brotha know!

Having a moment right now...

2008-12-28T01:23:00.000-08:00

Yeah...as the title suggests I'm kinda going through it right now. Maybe it's the season...cold days and nights...plenty of time to invade my thoughts...plenty of space to self-reflect. Or maybe it's the amazing (but potent) Mexican coffee I just made for myself (if you don't know about it, get into it here) Whatever the case may be, I'm feeling some kinda way. I wouldn't say I feel romantically empty, but I'm definitely yearning...

So many things are going right in my life right now...I'm in no position to complain really. However, there is one area that has alluded me for the longest time...men. So many people around me are happily attached and boo'd up...folks getting married, solidifying their commitments, having babies, co-habitating, etc. I'm yearning for a man. Not a fly by night one night stand or a fuck buddy, but somebody I can invest time and energy towards. Somebody I can court, or who will court me. Sex would be great, but it's deeper than that. Sex is easy, and always accessible. I yearn for the touch...physically, spirtually, and emotionally. I've never felt it before...and I want it. I want to hold...and be held. I want to laugh hysterically while curled up on the couch watching Tyler Perry plays or Wanda Sykes (how u doin? love her!). I want to SEX DOWN somebody, but do it sensually at first...and have that effort reciprocated. I want to cook a meal alongside somebody...or have him waiting on the couch sippin on some riesling and waiting for his culinary delights. I want to flirt mercilessly and wake up in the morning wrapped in strong arms and spooned up against a firm backside.

I yearn for...intimacy. The kind you can't find on BGC or AdamForAdam (i've never been one for those sites, no shade :)). Like I said...I'm kinda going through it right now. It will pass, right?

I was not expecting this....

2008-12-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so let me just say that I am thoroughly ENJOYING not being in school right now! I have officially been granted temporary freedom from my indentured servitude at the academic plantation and am having a FABULOUS time reconnecting with new and old friends and doing the things REGULAR people do. Vacations are an amazing creation, and for those workaholics out there who don't believe in them...stop playing and GET INTO IT! Work hard, play harder is what I say...

Anywho, while out gallivanting with my boy WalkYourOwnPath last night, I had the bright idea for us to get real hood and hit up the notorious Jewel's Catch One to continue our evening of exploration and foolery. The Catch is not my fave when it comes to nightspots (I think Westwood is making me a bit bougie :)), but since WalkinYourOwnPath is new to LA, I figured what the hell? He needs to experience ALL of the gaydom LA has to offer :)

So we roll up, grab our libations, and hit the dance room. As expected, the lesbuns were OUT(!), the crowd leaned toward raw and thuggish, and the music was respectable but not exceptional. Meh. After downing 2 of the Catch concoctions, my homie and I were feeling pretty good so we decided to soak up the vibe and just roll with it. The go-go dancers were giving us life and the DJ got real smart and graced us with some reggae, so we were primed to get it crackin :)

REWIND JUST A BIT..about 15 minutes into us entering a club I crossed paths with a young lady that I SWORE i've met before...She noticed me as well, but we couldn't put the pieces together in time so we missed the connection. FAST FORWARD...Now after about 20 minutes of dancehall/reggae madness, I feel a tap on my shoulder...I turn around and it's her. Here's the dialogue:

Her: I KNOW you from somewhere....
Me: Yes, you do look familiar
Her: Did you go to high school at Washington?
Me: Nope....(lightbulb goes off)!!! WAIT?! Did u go to undergrad at UC Davis?!
Her: YES! I remember now!!!

Then it all rushes back to me...I knew this girl very well once. I met her my 2nd year, in dance class. African Carribean Dance and Culture class. The first "real" dance class I ever took. The dance class taught by one of my greatest creative mentors, Ms. Bobbie Bolden. The class that turned me inside out and sparked a love for dance that has pulled me through shyness, insecurity, depression, and loneliness. The love that now is capable of causing me sadness and pain (I WILL be back to 100%...and soon!). I was not expecting to experience this....at the Catch of all places!

We gagged in celebration for a minute before she gave me the rundown about how she took off with the dancing (to the chagrin of her parents), graduated under Bobbie's mentorship, and is now pursuing her MFA at Temple and dancing for a major company! My heart swelled with pride as we reminisced about so many things that brought me joy during such a challenging point in my life...taking Bobbie's class...the psycho ballet teacher that hated us because we Black students had asses that stuck out...the challenges of choreography class...Black Repertory Theatre...letting the ENTIRE Black community HAVE IT at Apollo Night 2001...so many memories all involving dance...

But then things took a somber note. After confirming that we were members of the "family", we talked about how hard it was being gay, black, and closeted in college. She was nowhere near being out in college...neither was I. For much the same reasons...fear of rejection, and fear of isolation. We didn't give a damn about the campus at large...our fear was of OUR people, the Black community. Fear of being rejected by a community that we held so dear to our hearts. Fear of a community we made personal sacrifices for to feel included. Fear of losing crucial social capital in an environment not particularly open and accepting of people and practices unmistakenly Black and afrocentric. You see, although us Black folk only held down 2.8% of the student body, the community was strong...and somewhat homogenous. Unfortunately, "gay" wasn't really a part of the equation. Instead of throwing caution to the wind and affirming who we were, we remained silent. And we suffered because of it.

Right there, on the dance floor of the Catch One, we both had an emotional moment. Tears were shed, an embrace shared, and a look between us that spoke "I understand you...and I love you". Then we cracked up at the irony of the situation. We spent damn near three years on the same campus completely oblivious of how MUCH we had in common, and we reconnect dancing our asses off in the gayest club in Los Angeles, virtually in our backyards!

Life is funny like that sometimes...you never know what to expect.

My love affair with LEDISI

2008-12-17T22:41:00.000-08:00

I am in love with a WOMAN, and her name is Ledisi...

The love affair started a little over a year ago when a dear friend let me listen to a lovely song titled "Kitchen". After hearing this woman with a BEAST of a voice, my heart percolated a bit...who the HELL was this, and why the hell haven't I heard of her before? From that point on, I knew I needed her in my life :)

After viewing YouTube after YouTube clip of this beautiful woman killing the tracks with her own material, conjuring the likes of Ella Fitzgerald, Chaka Khan, Donny Hathaway, and even having the nerve to join up with one of my faves Rahsaan Patterson to kill a Rufus song while just playing around, I was hooked.

Acquiring her sophomore album "Lost and Found" intensified my attraction.

While somewhat disappointed at how produced her sound was on this album, her writing and delivery sold it for me. Baby, when I heard "In the Morning" for the first time, I thought she was reading my thoughts! Man, I wish I had somebody in the morning like that! If you don't have it in your library, do yourself a favor and buy 3 copies...one for you, and two for whomever will beat you silly for not sharing such a wonderful artist with them :)

I didn't publically pronounce my love for Ledisi until December 10, 2008, the night I saw her LIVE and in living color. Ledisi graced my fair city at the El Rey Theatre, a perfectly intimate venue for such a grand event. After waiting for nearly 2 HOURS to get in and connecting with my crew of Ledisi fans for the night, we prepared ourselves. In a standing room only crowd, we were FRONT and CENTER. I don't think I was ready...

She walked up on that stage...and let us HAVE IT....do you hear me?!! KILLED IT. Virtually 90 minutes straight. She gave us old skool Ledisi (before folks knew how off the hook she was). She gave us "Lost and Found". And she even treated us to her new Christmas album "Its Christmas". I just couldn't get over how RIDICULOUS the entire production was...she was off the chain...her band was amazing (and CUTE...damn!), and her backup singers were DEADLY (I'm talking like...ummm where is YOUR record deal?). As she aptly put it she gave us "some of that booty", "let mama tell ya songs", and "gave us church"! And to top it all, she was funny as hell! Crackin' jokes on folks, giving us sage advice, even letting us in the crowd get our sing on! I can't tell you how many times I just had to stop and shake my head like "wow...really? Are you serious? All of this?". Get into a clip:

Needless to say since the concert I've been rocking both "Lost and Found" and "Its Christmas", as well as digging up her older material. I'm in love with a WOMAN, and her name is Ledisi! If I weren't a tried and true homo I might of had to stop on by TIffany for a ring! But in all seriousness, Ledisi is an amazing artist and I just had to share my "love affair" with her to blogopia.

If you're into REAL VOCALISTS, get some LEDISI in your life!

Vital Information for your everyday lives...

2008-12-03T15:54:00.000-08:00

Cool points to whomever can remember where this pic comes from :)

I just had to let blogopia get INTO this quote. I had to give my boy snaps for this lil' ditty:

"Remind thyself that the present is still more
important than the future,
for if thou doesn't handle business in the present,
thou future won't be the business."
- Walter R. Tucker IV

TRUE TALK. Handle yo business NOW rather than later!

I'm late...but I'm still here! Halloween recap

2008-11-30T23:49:00.000-08:00

Wow, yeah I'm slacking on my contributions to blogopia once again...lawd I done fell off the wagon! Forgive me folks! Anywho, life has been quite INTERESTING these last few months, and I have plenty to share. Let's start with Halloween :)

This year I decided to throw caution to the wheel and go all out for Halloween. For some reason I was channeling "Freaky Scorpio" and wanted to really spice it up this year. Mind you that I RARELY get into Halloween, but this year I was on some different ish. The house party I attended was themed "Movie Characters and Superheroes" so I thought hmm...who could I pull off and still be a tad bit risque??? I came up with nothing, but my a dear colleague and fellow partygoer suggested I get into the Blade character this year. After letting it marinate for a bit (and not having any other good ideas :)) I decided...Blade it is!

This is where it gets interesting :) After acquiring a few sample pictures and figuring out the costume in my head, I hit the streets to concoct my version of Blade the Vampire Hunter. Wesley Snipes wasn't gonna have shit on me, WHAT!? What I conjured up was more like a S & M daddy version of Blade :) My search for the perfect costume landed me in not one but two LEATHER SHOPS! It was a real kee kee searching for skintight leather pants and a vest-like top amidst the leather harnesses, whips, chaps, chains, harnesses and other sadomasochistic goodies! But then things got real serious...I found myself browsing through the goodies like "hmm....this is kinda hot...hmmmm i bet I could pull off wearing these.....hmmmmm maybe I should get my other nipple pierced....hmmmmmmm how does this sling work??" It was crazy y'all...I was getting INTO the leather fantasies! After clutching my pearls one good time and securing my costume pieces, I rolled on out.

The costume pieced together nicely if I do say so myself! I literally GAGGED when I figured out the damn top I chose was sheer as a mothaf**ka, showing off all my goods. Ohh lawd you KNOW I had to have a few drinks to go through with that mess! Here are a few shots of the party...what do you think?

Don't you just love the innovation of my UCLA folks?! Who says that Ph.Ds are boring, socially defunct geeks?! You betta recognize!

The party was great, the costume was well received, and fun was had by all. But weeks later I cannot shake this nagging curiosity I had while in the leather shops...did I let my freak out? What kind of Pandora's Box have I opened? Why am I SERIOUSLY considering going to next year's Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco just to satisfy my curiousity? A MESS!

Having second thoughts..

2008-10-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've decided to stop being so damn rigid and give the Ivy League Cutie a chance. I still feel the same way about how I deal with men, but I'm getting an idea of how his personality works. I'm starting to understand that him even approaching me was a BIG step, and he seems to have gotten the memo that it will require some energy and courage to stay on my radar.

I invited him to my birthday party/dinner next month (GET IT SCORPIOS!!) If all goes well he will attend and will have a chance to meet my friends, family, colleagues, and fellow fools :) If he can handle it and doesn't run for the hills, he may have a shot LMAO!!!

Time will tell...

Am I Ivy League Material? Probably not...

2008-10-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

While exchanging e-mail dialogue with my good blogger buddy Gil, I kinda went into a big ass essay about my thoughts on the Ivy League Cutie, a guy I've been dating sporadically for a little over a month now. It's been a rather interesting experience, and I think this pretty much sums up where I stand with this guy...and all guys in general.

I thought it would make a decent post...get into it and tell me what you think:

---------------------------------------------

I think I'm done with the Ivy League Cutie. He's a hottie, smart as a whip and all, but I think we're on two separate wavelengths when it comes to expectations. On my end, I'm willing (and very open) to be patient, giving of my time and energy, and "going with the flow", but I expect a tangible result from such an effort...a romantic relationship. I'm READY to put myself out there...but it will not work unless HE is ready to go there as well. Bottom line...I'm not trying to put energy into you or "us" unless we both are trying to build something real. We can kick it, keep it real friendly, even screw around on occasion (yes I said it! GASP!), but understand that if you want a shallow relationship, you will not be very high on my priority list.

On his end, he's still reeling from the aftermath of his previous relationship. He revealed this to me the last time we hung out, and I'm glad he opened up that conversation. From what I can tell, ol' boy still has feelings for the ex and is not quite able to negotiate these feelings and allow another man access to his attention. He requires somebody to be patient and available while he figures out what to do with his ex and how to open up to a new romantic interest. If he all of a sudden gets introspective and pulls away, he needs the new guy to understand that and give him that space without protest. If he feels awkward being intimate with the new guy, new guy needs to respect that and keep his hands off until he is ready.

Do you see the disconnect here? When it comes to the potential for romance, I'm assertive. I admit that. I WANT to be intimate and engage in the other person, ESPECIALLY if I know that he is feeling me. I give kisses and hugs and grinds and ass/crotch grabs and shoulder rubs and head rubs and cuddling...the whole nine yards. I do PDA, and I wish a muthafucka would say something about it. I'll want to put my hands on my boy, and I'll invite him to put his hands on me. It would totally fuck me up to be constantly physically rejected no matter how much I like the guy.

I WANT to spend quality time with my romantic interest, and I will crunch my schedule to open up space for that guy. I'll meet up for coffee, I'll cook dinner, I'll invite him to dinner with friends, I'll bypass a Friday night "Flats n' Foolery" for a date night. I'll study my ass off all day Saturday morning/afternoon just to have my evening open for him. If he fails to promptly respond to my offers, cancels plans too often, or gives the impression that he isn't interested in spending time with me, I'll feel hurt and angry that he doesn't value my time and effort.

I WANT sex to be a part of the equation, whether sooner or later. I haven't had sex of any kind in 6 months (count em'...SIX!), and if I see him naked, I'm gonna want to have sex and I will INITIATE sex. If he teases me sexually, I'm gonna want to BEAST HIM DOWN. If he shuts down on me physically or emotionally, I'll start to wonder if he finds me unattractive. Then I'll get pissed that I'm horny as hell and I have this hot guy sleeping right next to me that I can't ravage because he needs "space".

So yeah, that's my rationale for taking a break from Ivy League Cutie. Damn, I'm reading over what I just wrote....now I see why they call Scorpios "intense". We're not ones to half-ass something. But that's just how I operate at this point. I'm not closing the door completely, but I let it be known where I stand. The ball is in his court.

Life is Beautiful

2008-10-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say, I don't know where to start. Hopefully something will materialize this weekend, but for now just know that I'm doing GREAT. And I don't mean that fake ass "How you doing man?....I'm doing fine" kind of great. I mean that go to sleep every night tired as hell but with a smile on my face, laugh hysterically at least 3 times daily, encounter fuckery and drama but deal with it head on and keep it pushin' kind of GREAT. It's an amazing feeling y'all.

More to come soon, I got work to do! Let me leave you this lil' bit of joy before I go. All I got to say is...where is this sista's recording contract??? :)

Have a great day, and DEMAND your joy!

The Ivy League Cutie

2008-09-04T15:38:00.000-07:00

So yeah I met a guy two weeks ago. He's my "Ivy League Cutie" on account of his attending an Ivy League school and the cuteness factor he possesses. Me likes.

After a wonderful Friday evening "Flats and Foolery" gathering with TheBlacks and Company (shout out to EJ Malloy's Pub for putting up with our coonery), I headed to the default Friday night club spot for the ethnic gayboys in Los Angeles, Circus Disco. "Circus" that night was giving me exactly what I needed and I proceeded to get my life solo on the dance floor and flirt with the lovely go-go boys. As I pushed on over to the bar after taking a time out, I spot Ivy League Cutie in my periphery. About 5'8", slim but working with some body, chocolate, rocking the cute boy bifocals (hey I think eyeglasses are hot...whatever!), and givin' me urban preppy fashion...very much Larry Lyons or Frank Roberts tea. He smiles at me...i smile back. Cute.

As I finish up my delicious libation and glide across the expansive dance floor like I'm Tyson Beckford, all of the sudden the DJ drops a Reggae mix and I GO OFF. I love me some reggae/dancehall and true to form I'm working these hips like I'm in King-ston! Keep in mind that I'm dancing solo so I must have REALLY been feeling myself to have carried on like that. To my genuine surprise, I had an audience :)

I toss in a spin for good measure and lo and behold I see Ivy League Cutie has inched closer to me and is checking me out on the low. I'm tickled pink by this, but I decide to play it nonchalant. He's a grown azz man...if he wants to step to me he can man up and make a move. Thankfully, he does.

As the Reggae mix finishes and I bring it down a notch, he approaches. We attempt to talk, but the music and debauchery is too great so we head outside to chat it up. We talk about the basics...hometown, school, work, what brings you here...blah blah blah. But it was the playful, but deliberate flirtation that drew me in. The double entendres, the sexy smirks, the winks, the touching...all the things I love to put out there reciprocated. We were building that fun kinda chemistry that makes you kinda giddy and feel sexy and whorish all at the same time :) Of course, we exchanged the digits :)

Since then, we've gone out twice. Like actual dates. So much fun, to actually engage in a person's personality...it's like an aphrodisiac for a Scorpio like me. I can tell that he likes me, which is even more fun :) I'm trying my hardest to keep my hands off of him, but that is proving to be a "hard" task.

So yeah, I'm warming up to the Ivy League Cutie. Hopefully the start of something good!

My first publication appearance!

2008-09-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well kinda...I, along with a handful of my amazing classmates, were quoted in the UCLA Public Health Magazine. It's a pretty small acknowledgment, but ya boy is on the move! Get into the article below. I'm on page 8 of the feature:

The Pre-emptive War on Cancer - UCLA SPH Magazine, June 2008

A special shout out to my girl and cohort member PJ for landing the Student Profile. This girl is FIERCE! Check it out:

PJ's Student Profile

Now you KNOW I'm trying to be profiled at some point...don't play :)

Holla!

"I needed to get laid so I did"...

2008-08-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

"I'm not like you Glo. I just need somebody to hold me...even if it is a damn lie."

Another one of my famously unpublished entries...with a twist :)

Well not really, but that's how I feel right now. Just like Bernadine from "Waiting to Exhale" except I'm not going through a bitter divorce with a unscrupulous Uncle Tom. Hell my situation is the exact opposite, I'm chronically single :) And frankly it's starting to get REALLY old.

I seem to be having a spot of bad luck when it comes to the brothas. It seems that the few guys I'm feeling right now are out of pocket for one reason or another...one guy will soon be a colleague and already has a man, another I LIVE for but we've run into some "compatibility issues" (as in he's a strict top and I'm versatile but he has ass for DAYS so I want both)...and the other could potentially be my best gay male friend and I don't wanna complicate the friendship.

Am I making excuses? Maybe. Part of me is like "To hell with playing it safe...push the envelope and deal with the results!" I only wish it were that easy with me. For some reason, I have a lapse of confidence when it comes to actively pursuing dudes that I consider "10s". Usually the men in question are well educated, very attractive, somewhat older, have gained a certain degree of success, and have mucho charisma. I find myself comparing to them, and falling short. I seek out my flaws, magnify them, and hesitate.

It's a vicious cycle that's really messing me up romantically. I shut down, question myself, then get hella guarded. In the meantime, I go on untouched, unkissed, and un-f**..well you get the picture.

The Twist:

Just as I was about to post this entry, I run into the "Ivy League Cutie."

...I believe you have my stapler?....

2008-08-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

I'm chained to the desk today. On a Friday. NOT precious at all...if anything, it's hella rude. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do about 85% of the time...it's just this pesky 15% that involves sitting here pounding away at site visit notes, writing reports, and organizing all of the information and dialogue I spend half of my work hours collecting in the field. Desk work SUCKS!

I don't see how people can do this 24-7. I don't see how half of these researchers can sit in front of screens all day WITHOUT scratching out their eyes!! Ewww this mess is sooo not my style.

I'm a "people person" all the way. I enjoy having conversations, dialoguing, communicating...this sitting here typing away ish is FOR THE BIRDS. The content is actually quite interesting...it's just the process. Read...process...type...correct...type...print...review...e-mail...read...process...BOO TO DA HISSSSSS... Alas, they say "no job is complete until the paperwork is done". Lawd how I wish that were not true.

I'm seriously having an Office Space moment right now, LMAO. I feel like Milton, however I'd have to seriously cut a bitch if they tried to jack my office supplies!

2 more hours of this madness...I see Brazilian food, a capirinha, a big ass lemon drop martini, and the club in my immediate future...mmmm...

Praises!!!

2008-08-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ok I have like the biggest Kool-Aid smile on my face right now, and my head has been inflated like a hot air balloon! I'm telling you, when people acknowledge your work ethic, it's a beautiful thing!

So I'm sitting here at my desk about to jump into my day's work, and here comes Queen B ready to pay me a visit. Queen B is the BOSS around here...she's not only one of the most prolific researchers in our department, she is the director of the center where I'm employed and manages my fellowship. On top of all that, she is a Dean so she's got it like that administratively. Definitely somebody you want on your side. This woman is the epitome of HARDCORE. She goes in HARD, she's sharp, she knows her shit, and she demands that you be ON POINT. And if you're not...she will kick your ass.

Needless to say that you gotta be on your A-game to impress her. I took one of her classes last quarter (hands down the best I've taken at UCLA btw), and she literally CLOWNED ME in the front of everybody. The steely gaze, the sigh, the pause, and the gut-punch..."Thank you Jammie for your input...now see, this is exactly what you're NOT supposed to do. This is not appropriate for this assignment, go back and brainstorm." I, along with the rest of the class, GAGGED. Point for Queen B. After debriefing in office hours, she explained what she was looking for, encouraged me to find a better topic, and come correct next time. By the end of that class though, my proposal was top-notch and I got the nod of approval. She was a tough cookie, but she made us really MASTER the skills. When I say my final A grade, I literally did cartwheels :)

Queen B. is definitely "firm but fair". She'll give credit where credit is due, but you ain't gettin ish unless you've excelled. And if you half step, she'll pick you apart and make you feel like jumping out of a window.

Fast forward to 30 minutes ago...I'm sitting at my desk ready to go, and she comes up to me. She asks me how I'm doing in the program, handling classes and work and such. Then she smiles and says "I don't know if you realize this, but you're actually ahead of the curve for your cohort. I've heard good things from the faculty, you performed very well in my class, and you've immersed yourself in a project in your first year. I'd say you're in a very good position." She then went on to invite me to explore some opportunities with the new multimillion dollar grant to expand my horizons and do some "solo work". I'm just sitting there like "whoa, she's giving me...PRAISES?"

So yeah, ya boy is feeling real good right now. Of course, now that I'm on her radar I'll have to step it up even further, but that's how it goes in the Ivory Tower...very much "what have you done for me lately?" At least I know I'm on the right track.

So now, all I gotta do is find a man and I'll be REAL GOOD :)

Holla!

J.

P.S: How does blogopia feel about dating a fellow colleague? He's an incoming student and I'm tempted to holler. Messiness is not my cup of tea though. Thoughts?

The "Sunday Night Stress-Down Session"

2008-08-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd share this with blogopia. After a week of hard work, study, civic responsibilities, taking care of family, driving, networking, and gettin' your grind on, it's always important to end on a calm, soothing note. This is my Sunday night session that gets me right together for dealing with another week of toil. Let me know what you think :)

The Sunday Night Stress-Down Session

The “stress down session” has 2 purposes: First, it allows an opportunity to do all of the head-to-toe “hardcore grooming” that is impossible to get around to throughout the week. Second, it’s great way to end the weekend on a peaceful, calming note. In addition to eating well and getting proper exercise, it is vital to “pamper” your body on a regular basis. This page outlines an inexpensive method of adding the finishing touches of “sexy”.

This session can be done alone, or the experience can be shared with a boyfriend, spouse, or lover for relaxation or a perfect form of foreplay ☺

The first thing you want to do is set the mood and prepare the setting. Preferably, the stress down should happen in the confines of your own home, or somewhere where you feel calm and comfortable. This is about relaxation, so it’s beneficial to have this space clean and tidy before you get started. Put on your favorite “Smooth Groove” playlist, light a few scented candles, and pour yourself a nice glass or wine (or tea if that’s your thing….something soothing). Lay out your grooming items beforehand so you don’t have to dig for stuff when you are in the comfort zone.

Now, on to the grooming. First thing are the hands and feet. Basically we are doing a touch-up of the manicure and pedicure. Soak the hands in warm soapy water and pull out the manicure kit. Do a quick clipping and filing, then drench the cuticles in oil. Dab dry the oil, then smooth lotion on the hands for a nice massage. Go down to the feet and repeat, excluding the foot massage.

Next comes the shower (a bath works too). Bring out the good smelling stuff, preferably a scrub. Take a little more time than usual paying attention to all your essential parts. Grab the pumice stone and attack the soles of your feet. Dry off and continue on.

The grooming continues. For those of you not into shaving, grab your favorite lotion, oil, or body butter and moisturize your entire body, from the neck down. Don’t forget the feet ☺ For those of us that trim a bit, moisturize wherever you’re not shaving and then prepare your skin for a shave down. Shave where you must, then apply astringent and the razor bump protection. Slide on your night clothing or a nice set of briefs and keep it moving.

Now it’s time to take care of what’s up top. Prepare a hot towel and apply to the face to open up the pores and clean the face. Follow up with your favorite facial product…a mask, a scrub, it’s all good. Take a ten minute break while the facial marinates. Finish off your wine glass and sink into the music. Return to the sink, rinse off the facial, and apply your moisturizer. Last but not least…the pearly whites. Brush your teeth thoroughly, floss well, and set it off with some Listerine. Breathe a sign of relief.

With your mental and physical rejuvenation complete, blow out the candles, turn down the music, and enjoy a night of well-earned sleep.

The Role of Responsibility

2008-07-07T23:43:00.001-07:00

Here goes another old entry that I never posted. Why the hell have I been holding back posts? Hmm....anyways this goes out to everybody out there gettin' their grind on...working hard for their successes. Sometimes I know we sit back and ask ourselves "What's the point?" We deal with delayed gratification, lack of reciprocity, naysayers, and haters...but guess what? It all works out in the end. This is for you.

This is also for the people out there that may be blessed with opportunity but fail to work for their graces...learn from this!

Get into it below. I missed you all!

The Role of Responsibility

I was watching the oh-so-eloquent FUTURE First Lady Michelle Obama speak the truth last Sunday at an Obama rally here at UCLA, and she left me with this quote, thoughtfully plucked from the Holy Bible:

FOR HE WHO IS GIVEN MUCH, MUCH IS EXPECTED
- Luke 12:18

This simple quote epitomizes the responsibility that comes with ENTITLEMENT. Many of us have been blessed with a rich family life, money, good friends, excellent educational opportunities, social status, beauty and other physical attributes, athletic prowess, wisdom, courage...the list goes on. Chances are you weren't just born with your graces...they were created by another person's hard work and toil, or another person or entity enabled you to accomplish great things. So many of us have these resources, these tangible gifts, and we fail to recognize or deny the responsibility attached to them.

My belief is, if you've been given something great, or achieved greatness through another's work, it is your obligation to WORK in honor of your graces. Take what you have and magnify it. Work your ass off to be even better. Have something even greater to pass off to somebody else. Serve as an example for those who haven't quite achieved a particular level of greatness.

I say this because I'm constantly encountered with this friction in my life. So many people around me constantly question my endeavors..."Why do you have to do work so much?" "Why don't I see you any more?" "Why don't you think more about yourself?" "How are you gonna find a man if you're always doing something?" And my favorite..."What makes you so damn special?"

Hell, sometimes I even question myself. I have very special people in my life that I treasure as friends, but I yearn to have the closeness and invested time I see in so many other friendships. An active, fruitful romantic life has escaped me for years. I willingly decided to make tremendous sacrifices of my social and personal life for my education...will it be worth it? What if I grow tired of this field or become disillusioned...what do I do then? What if I "miss my man" because I'm focused too hard on my studies and/or burgeoning career? Am I passing up the opportunity to get my groove on on the regular in order to stay focused? Do I risk losing the few real friends I have because they don't happen to reside in the "bubble" I find myself inside so often?

At the end of the day when I'm consumed with doubt or frustration over my current circumstances, I remember that quote: "For he whom is given much, much is expected." Generations of people inside and outside of my family have fought, sacrificed, and even died for me to have a shot at success. My parents may not have had fancy degrees and big-name jobs, but they were gracious enough to provide me opportunities very few in my family have ever received. Although we may not see or even talk to each other on a constant basis, I have a group of friends whom I love dearly and will have my back whatever the circumstances (it's amazing when you have people who you know will catch you when you fall). And now I have mentors and colleagues that AFFIRM me not only as an academian but as a person. They KNOW me, and they actually care about me. They work hard to open up doors and enable my growth.

I'm not gonna front...in my opinion I have it pretty GOOD. Yeah the sacrifices suck ass, but my options are boundless...all that is required is I WORK. So that's exactly what I do. Teaching, learning, writing, speaking, counseling, training, networking, volunteering, arguing, advocating...WORK. Not just for me, but for everybody that helped me along the way. I WORK for everybody that wanted to be where I am, but by chance or fate couldn't get there. I WORK for everybody that said I couldn't make it. I WORK for everybody that discounted my abilities. I even WORK for the young bucks that might need to learn a thing or two in the future.

For all of you out there that aspire to do great things, I encourage you to WORK for your blessings. Leave the excuses at the door and GET IT CRACKIN'. Get into the process and stop obsessing over the final outcomes. Don't worry, you'll get yours when you're supposed to. For y'all that have been blessed, please make them count. Don't rest on your laurels...it pisses us WORKers off like nobody's business.

I'm done.

J.

THIS JUST IN!!!

2008-05-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

Okay folks, I know this is a weak re-entrance into blogopia, but I'm working on putting up something substantial. The post I was gonna put up weeks ago was kinda dark, but I'm definitely in better spirits and a better place mentally as well. Especially after hearing this news!!!!

As of today, in California, bans on marriage based on sexual orientation or other classification have been deemed UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Do y'all hear that?! They done finally cut the b**s**t and legalized same sex marriage!

Get into this!

L.A. Times reports on the CA Supreme Court ruling

While part of me wants to jump for joy, the other part feels offended that it took so damn long. Nevertheless, it's in the BOOKS, and the multitude of friends and associates that have been waiting in the wings can finally have their relationships and benefits resulting an official thing!

Be on guard though...a constitutional amendment to put us back in the closet is already in the works...elections in November will be VERY interesting...

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming :) Hmm...maybe I'll write something on the plane ride to LAS VEGAS to go celebrate KENNY'S GRADUATION!!! CONGRATULATIONS BOY! I'm so hyped to see you walk across that stage! If you channel diva for ONE second, I will GAG for eternity LOL.

The beauty of contrast

2008-03-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, theBlacks was right...this blog HAS gotten quite dusty :) I'm still here folks, just busy. Sometimes too damn busy (but we'll eventually get into that). I'm still working on finding that balance...i don't have it down yet, but I can say that it's an ACTIVE work in progress. I'm still on the academic plantation, but now it feels more like indentured servitude :P

As I opened my blog account tonight, I came across a post I wrote about two months ago; one of those "I need an outlet so here goes" type of posts. I stand here in awe of what I wrote, mainly because I feel so far away from those thoughts I had just a few short weeks ago. I feel it's important to share these words, but first I'll give you a little context...

When I wrote this, I was playing host to a dear friend of mine for the week. While I thoroughly enjoyed our time together and would host him again without reservation, his presence rocked my soul. Ultimately it was a very positive thing because it caused me to examine several areas of my life where I was unhappy and unfulfilled. Nevertheless, I was unsettled. He knew it and tried to talk it out of me, but embarrassment and insecurity kept my lips sealed. Here's the post (in italics):

I'm Having a Moment Right Now

Having somebody all up in my private space is strange, but kinda fun. In a way, I've yearned for this type of bonding for quite some time. Two guys, gay men, kickin it as friends...no pretenses...no shade...no sexual tension. Ok well there was some sexual tension (on my behalf only i'm sure), regardless it was all about companionship. Last night was definitely no exception, lol. Oh, the hijinx! I'm surprised to be awake this early, however it makes perfect sense that HE is totally knocked out. I'm glad he's sleeping soundly though...he deserves to enjoy his time off. He looks so peaceful there...i don't want to wake him up. Unfortunately, our time together is coming to a close. The plane waits for no man, so he's gotta get it movin'

As much as I love having him here, I'm ready for him to go. He tested me, questioned my logic, helped me to see some things that I otherwise probably wouldn't have acknowledged. That's what good friends do, and I have mad love for that. However, it unearthed a whole bunch of shit I've kept under wraps for a while. Shit that can sting like a mofo when a person can pick it out of your brain:

I'm way too hard on myself.

I have some shit on my heart and mind I have to deal with, but I'm scared....and insecure.

I'm still grieving...i cry for my mother's death and my father's heartache almost everyday. I was too busy being "strong" for the past two years to let it flow...

I yearn to have good people around me that add to my life...and yet when they are near I become distant.

I'm know I'm pretty damn good person, but I worry that people think I'm not good enough.

Was able spend time with one of my friends I grew up with. I love her because I can be myself without feeling judged. I have amazing friends, but we are so distant from each other. I often initiate contact only when I miss them. They grow tired of having to always pursue me. I'm busy, but not that damn busy.

Last night I had a moment of intense envy over a dear friend of mine....and I feel terribly ashamed for feeling that way. He came across the country to spend time with me, yet I felt hurt and offended when he didn't pay me attention. I fully expected him to be "a kid in a candy store" when we hit the club, but was quite surprised when I ended up being the sorry ass licorice flavored candy that gets left in the jar. My envy and disdain almost led me to abandon him at a club he had never been to before...in a city he hardly knew anything about. Basically, I was TRIPPIN...but I checked myself...HARD. Had to take a time out to get my head together...something was seriously off with me. Was I secretly attracted to him? Yes, but I don't want anything more than his friendship. He sometimes questions his looks, but I wish he could see how damn beautiful he is...inside and out. It pisses me off that somebody he loves disregarded his spirit and caused him pain. I want him to find somebody that will appreciate all that he is. If we lived closer together, I might have given it a shot. Nevertheless, he's my homie and that's exactly what I need from him right now. But why the envy? My friend is doing exactly what I hoped for him...enjoying his vacation, having a good time, and giving the LA boys fever :) Why did I have a chip on my shoulder? All of a sudden it hit me...i was HATING. Hating on the fact that I couldn't remember the last time I had acted so free and uninhibited. Hating on the fact that I was too insecure to put myself out there like that. Hating on the fact that I had not had any worthwhile "action" for weeks while he seemed to have an open invitation. Yes, I was drinking Haterade big time. Envy is a bitch, and I was the biggest bitch for about 10 minutes before I snapped out of it. Unfortunately, I ended up messing over some dude in the process.

I could have had sex last night, but I stopped. I didn't feel anything for the dude...all I wanted to do was be touched and fuck. The last time i slept alongside another man was 4 months ago, and I was REALLY feeling that dude. I ran away from him because I felt like I didn't measure up. He was older, established, intelligent, focused, and sexy as hell...and I was insecure and retreated. Anyway, this guy last night said he was very attracted to me, and I believed him. To be fair, I thought he was a great guy. No sexual chemistry though. But I responded to his advances anyway...I liked the attention. He did little for me, but I obviously was doing a lot for him...typical for me in these situations. I think I stopped right before he was about to cum. That's fucked up, but the vibe was wrong. I apologized, and he said he understood. He was trying to be nice. I appreciated it, but I still feel like a jackass...I've had blue balls before....its NOT pretty.

And now I sit here...the morning after. Unsettled, frustrated, and disappointed I have to say goodbye to my friend. Yet and still, I want him to leave. Not because I'm tired of him, but because he mixed things up and I need room to process it all. I'll definitely invite him back, but maybe by that point I'll have handled my personal ish and really be able to engage with him as good friends should...with love, respect, and without reservation.

Clearly I've got some big changes to make.

As I read this, I'm in awe of the contrast of thoughts and mindset I have now. As I declared in the post, I've made some big changes. Although I'm still a work in progress, I'm much happier. It's all coming to the forefront. Baby steps.

Jungle Fever?....and Med students are HOT!

2008-01-24T16:57:00.000-08:00

The romantic life is a little stagnant right now. I met a guy that had definite boyfriend potential, but it's looking like that situation is not going to work out to my satisfaction.

I'm in one of those moods....the Scorpio is rising once again. I've been too far long in boy drought, and my eyes are wandering.

Funny thing is...the eyes are wandering in different directions than usual. Although I consider myself an equal opportunity lover, it's no secret that I have an strong affinity for brothas. To me, nothing beats a beautiful, intelligent, articulate, strong-willed Black Man that knows his history, honors his culture, and loves him some Black Men.

HOWEVER, I've noticed that the other flavors of the rainbow are starting to look RATHER tasty...

For example, there is this Asian (looks like Chinese with Japanese or Korean) med school student that I see at least once a day in the halls. Short guy, but with a compact body built for LIFE. Kinda nerdy cute with the glasses but it works for him. BEAUTIFUL smile, and pretty friendly looking. He went to school with me during undergrad at UC Davis. He was on the track team...a sprinter (yum). Shared a few bio classes with him and he was smart as a whip. I thought he was kinda cute then but never paid attention to him. BUT NOW...

The few years since undergrad have been EXCELLENT to him. Looks similar, but with a grown folks aura and a little cute boy swagger in the step. I saw him decked out in scrubs about a week ago, and I almost swooped down on his ass like an EAGLE! And now, he acknowledges me whenever we cross paths. And yesterday I SWEAR I saw him givin' a little T, which makes me even more intrigued.

Another example...the hot biracial (Asian and Middle Eastern maybe) guy I see at the gym and around the hospital...ANOTHER MED student. This one has got swagger FOR DAYS! Can tell he's a newbie to the gym, but he'll be in fine shape if he keeps it up with those workouts. I have never seen an ass on an asian man that was not a bodybuilder or major athlete, but boy has got CAKES! The jury is still out on if he's family or not, but he definitely caught my attention.

And then...there's the Latin lover with the green eyes. Not a med student, but a RESIDENT...a surgeon in the making. Amazing physical presence, and dresses HELLA sharp! And in passing I heard the cutest thing out of him...he was literally GIGGLING! This tall, masculine drink of water with the hypnotic eyes was giggling and carrying on like a 5 year old. It was too much! Again, I felt like SWOOPING!

Ok, so obviously my taste for men is diversifying. My question is, do I take the plunge and break the color lines, or do I hold it down until the brothas come into the picture? Black Men (especially gay and OUT Black men) are few and far between around here, so I may be SOL for a while. I wouldn't say I'm necessarily against dating non-Black, but I do have certain reservations. I would consider myself a race man, so I'm not sure how well I'd vibe romantically with somebody that couldn't identify, or didn't have some kind of cultural awareness. I'm trying really hard to not to be biased, but I've been fetishized and exoticized by 'curious' non-Black folks enough times to carry a bit of a chip on my shoulder. And what happens if while I'm tasting the rainbow and that oh so familiar chocolate flavor comes into the mix? How f'd up would it be to just ditch one dude's attention for another guy just because he's Black?

And what the hell is this attraction for med students/doctors all about? Why have I found men in lab coats, stethescopes, and scrubs sooo sexy? Have I been watching too much Grey's Anatomy or something???

Hmm...life is a trip sometimes :)

"Love them...but don't live for them"

2007-12-19T07:23:00.000-08:00

Isn't it a trip how we can spend so much time running towards (or away) from something/body and get so caught up in running that you don't realize that you've been going in circles? And when you do acknowledge your situation, you become aware that you are TIRED and DISAPPOINTED. Ever felt like that? Well if you have, you'll agree with me that it's not a laughing matter at all.

That is how I felt before I left for Thailand (vacation recap to be posted soon). I've NEVER been that far at the end of my rope in the family or professional sense, and I never want to go there again. Thankfully the peace, tranquility, and good times of the Thailand trip got me thinking a whole new way about how I'm going to maintain balance in my life.

I'm going to finally follow the advice so many people have offered me this past year. My wise friend Tarrance summed it up the best. Borrowing from the one and only Whitney Houston (who is the last person who should be quoted for self improvement but sista had it ON POINT with this statement):

"LOVE THEM....BUT DON'T LIVE FOR THEM"

THEM refers to a selection of people that I deal with amongst my family, friends, and professional career that, either unintentionally or maliciously, mercilessly drain my energy and resources with...for lack of a better term...bullshit. Immature, remedial, wasteful bullshit and drama. Basically, the people in your life that are messy as hell but you have to deal with anyway. Well, they all got together and decided to whoop my ass for a good while.

They (as in THEM) appear comfortable doing the same ol' shit on a different day, while I am all about making changes until I find that right formula that will afford me growth, peace of mind, and success. They can't understand why I can't be at their beck and call 24-7, and I can't understand why the hell they expect me to put my life on hold for grown ass people that refuse to take some initiative and handle their shit. Trying to be so much for so many people (without reciprocity) has caused me to suffer. My romantic life is nearly buried...grad school placed it on cardiac arrest, and messy family drama threatens to lower it into the grave. The friends and colleagues who have enhanced my life with affirmation and I enjoy spending time with have grown frustrated with me because I never have time for them. My body, both spiritually and definitely physically, has been repeatedly neglected. And for a period of time I wasn't very happy at the end of the day. I finally realized that I cannot continue to exhaust my efforts on others and expect to hold myself down in the process.

If I continue to live for them...they won't live for themselves.
If I continue to live for them...they will expect and demand more.
If I continue to live for them...my personal life will always be a distant priority.
If I continue to live for them...I risk the future prosperity I've worked so hard for.
If I continue to live for them...I'll feel obliged to "be there" when I really can't.
If I continue to live for them...they are gonna wear me out!
If I continue to live for them...I'll forget to live for myself.
If I continue to live for them...I'll resent them in the end.
If I continue to live for them...I'll hate them for holding me back.

Instead of playing the helpless victim or lashing out in anger, I'm gonna take middle ground. I'm going to LOVE THEM, BUT LET THEM LIVE. What that means is, I'm going to continue being supportive and a source of encouragement, within very strict boundaries. Unrelenting boundaries. Not to be a bitch, but to ensure I attend to my own affairs first. No more sacrificing my basic needs and essential wants (ie. healthy food, sleep, exercise, social interaction) to "run to the rescue". If a true emergency surfaces, I'll put on my cape and blast off. If it's not a life alterating drama or catastrophe, I'm gonna keep my distance and FALL BACK. Give advice from afar. Let the chips fall where they may. And if I do decide to jump in the fray, it will be done per MY discretion and MY circumstances. I will not feel obligated to do anything just because "you're the smart one" or "I don't know how to deal his/her triflin' ass." If it ain't crucial, HANDLE IT YOUR DAMN SELF, and call me for reinforcements.

You must PRESERVE and ENHANCE the FABULOSITY!

In addition to that, I'm gonna make taking care of me a #1 PRIORITY. I've learned the hard way that putting oneself first is not selfish, but very SHREWD. I mean, how the hell can you expect to shoulder the responsibilities and shortcomings of others if your foundation is weak? From this point forward, I'm dedicated to once again strengthening my foundation. My life has so much potential right now, but I'm not running at 100% right now. Sure, I have plenty of valid excuses....grieving, adjusting to school, new family responsibilities, and the like. I recognize this, but is it really keeping me from BRINGING MY A GAME? I think not. So now, it's all about building Jammie for greatness. Attack school and research with TENACITY just like I did before I got a nice cushy fellowship and got just a teeny bit complacent. People are watching me, so it's time to really SHOW THEM what I'm working with.

Master my biggest nemesis....TIME MANAGEMENT.

Use the time that you have to do what you have to do. If I have 5 hours of work scheduled, I focus on my tasks for 5 hours then it's a WRAP. None of this putting in 1-2 extra hours per day nonsense...I don't have time for that, and clearly these tight wallet assed UCLA folks are not paying for extra so they gets none. If I have 3 hours of study-time after dinner, finish your work in 3 hours then carry your ass to bed! None of this going until 1:00 or 2:00 am bullshitting on YouTube and expecting to just wake up hella chipper at 5:00 am to go the gym. Stop playing. The snooze button is not there for you to press 8 times, and you're trying to get back in 'college' shape. If I have successfully endured a notorious hours-long study jam on a Saturday afternoon and got my work done, there will be no half hearted attempts to pick it back up after dinner...YOU'RE DONE! Get in the shower, lotion up them ashy elbows and ankles (it's crucial, trust me :)), put on some fly evening attire, call up the kids, and get the hell out. Away from Westwood. The club, concert, poetry lounge, drumming class, whatever. Just use that time AWAY from the Mac Book. Have your behind back and under the covers by 2 am though because there will be no sleeping in most Sundays. Yeah yeah yeah, self-imposed micromanagement sucks, but hey I'm trying to be FABULOUS so there are sacrifices one must make.

Next thing is BE RESPONSIVE. If somebody calls me, I will call them back in a timely fashion. Even if it's a microwave conversation, recognize folks are looking out for you and exchange the gesture. If a guy shows interest and you are feeling him (or vice versa), DON'T PUNK OUT. The whole "I'm busy with school" schtick is TIRED. Answer calls, respond to e-mails, and if you get an opportunity for a date, you better JUMP ON IT (get into the double entendre)! I think we all know desirable men don't grow on trees, so you'd be a damn fool to sleep on a quality dude, I don't care how busy you THINK you are. Pull out that schedule and make it work!

So yes, it's time for me to step it up several notches . I love THEM, but I cannot live for them. I need to start living for ME. And what a greater time to start than NOW.

Almost there....t-minus 11 days to FREEDOM

2007-12-05T00:40:00.000-08:00

Lord pray for me...cuz I'ma need some strengf right bout now...

It's official, UCLA has literally broken me down like an unsuspecting vixen in a Brian Pumper movie. It is really a mess actually. Mondays through Fridays, let's not include weekends, are all dedicated to not mastering my assignments and academic activities, but just to stay AFLOAT. Pretty much everything 'extra' (sleep, working out :(, social activities, my non-academic friends, family time) have taken a very distant backseat to this beast known as the Ph.D. monster (I like that, I think I'll keep it from now on).

So there we have it...I've gone toe to toe with the Ph.D. Monster for over 9 weeks, and I'm still standing. I've been performing quite well in all of my classes and my research, but I feel completely unbalanced. With 7 days of the academic quarter left and 4 days of research and other responsibiliities remaining, it's really CRUNCH TIME. I have no friggin' clue where this extra 'crunch' is gonna come from, but it's gonna go down and I will WIN!

One thing to look forward to though....i'll be enjoying my FREEDOM overseas for the winter break! Ya boy is headed to THAILAND! Yes sir, the vacation I've been waiting 3 years for is finally within grasp! I'll be spending 2 weeks and both winter holidays in subtropical Southeast Asian bliss! I'll post the itinerary at some point so y'all can gag, but keep in my that I have not had a REAL vacation in over 3 years and have saved all of my discretionary funds to make this trip happen. Don't hate! But yeah maybe I can get some tips from those of you that have been there before...cuz I know my behind hasn't even seen a rice paddy up close before, LOL.

But first, I must go 11 more rounds with the Ph.D. monster. He almost won tonight...I fell dead asleep after dinner and now have to start studying at 1 in the morning. See what I mean by this whole 'plantation' schtick? Whether it be 9 am, 2 pm, (or in this case) 1 pm, if you got work to do, you must step up and get it done. And if you don't get it done, somebody is gonna whoop your ass something fierce...Sigh...pray for me y'all.

I do know one thing....I will have some serious planning to do next quarter to ensure my life stays in proper balance. It's amazing how inconsiderate of your time certain people can be, and now I see that every moment is precious and allows no room for unnessary bullshit and tombfoolery. But that's another post all by itself. In due time.

Ok, gotta hit it and hit it hard! I was serious about the prayers, y'all! I'm sitting here clutching my rosary beads like a queen would clutch his/her pearls and I'm not even a CATHOLIC! Cah-learly it's crucial!

Ok, HOLLLLLLAAAAA!!!!

Just checkin' in...a few sips of tea

2007-11-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

Hey bloggies....Just wanted to drop a few lines to let y'all know I'm still alive and kickin'. The academic plantation (UCLA) still has me on LOCKDOWN, but I'm learning how to balance MY LIFE with my SCHOOL LIFE. Believe me it's been a work in progress, but I'm starting to feel like a human being again.

I recently had a birthday and ushered in a new year of life (26 is the new 25, what you know about that!!). Although my b-day festivities were mellow and low-key, several interesting events transpired. For now I'm gonna be quiet about it, but let's just say I may have stumbled upon somebody I could really enjoy spending time with. Educated, attractive, sexy, strong, compassionate, giving, and determined...and with beautiful chocolate skin and a megawatt smile to match. We'll see what time will tell.

In the meantime, I want to share with you a birthday card I received from 2 very special people. I don't know who the author Melvina Young is, but I can say one thing...she DEFINITELY has a gift with words. Thanks Trent and Antonio for thinking of me and hooking me up with such a lovely card. Here goes:

Certain men have shoulders so strong,
you feel invited to just stop...
and lean for a while.

They have a quiet listening strength
that makes you feel heard
and a gaze so level,
you know that you are seen.

They are men whose arms are open
because their hearts are open.

Thank you for being that kind of man...
strong, generous, one to lean on.

- Melvina Young

UGGGHHHHHHHH....

2007-10-19T00:37:00.000-07:00

This is frustrating as hell...I've never been this on-task, focused, and productive before in all my life, but I feel as if I'm not getting shit done fast enough. This is the 3rd straight day I will have to sacrifice my AM workout in order to get my writing, reading or homework done on time. The quarter hasn't even gotten crazy difficult yet, and I'm already enroaching on "MY TIME".
I'm not happy about that.

I haven't done anything exclusively 'social' since our new student orientation...which was 3 weeks ago. I've had plenty of offers, but the pile of academic shit on my shoulder has squashed all of that.

I feel sexually frustrated, flabby, and socially inept. Not sexy at all.

I don't know where my sense of balance and order went, but i need it back.

I need a breakthrough...among other things.

OK, no more bitching...back to work.

An Eligible Bachelor....HOLLA!

2007-10-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

Hey kiddies...I'm still alive...barely. I swear I feel like Kunta pickin cotton in the fields WITHOUT a cotton gin on a Southern (California) plantation known as UCLA! I'm getting my ass kicked thoroughly, but I'm doing the damn thang. Keep praying for me!

I was asked by a men's group I'm affiliated with here in Los Angeles, In The Meantime, to do an interview for our quarterly newsletter. They are running a "Sexiest LA Bachelors" concept, and they chose lil' ol ME! Anyway, here's are my responses. If you feel you might be a good match for me, or know somebody, HOLLA!!

Here goes:

Background Info:

Jammie Mack Hopkins is a 25-year-old brother, born in Los Angeles and raised in and around Pasadena, California. He is an undergraduate of UC Davis, earned a masters degree from Cal State Fullerton, and is currently working on his doctorate at UCLA School of Public Health, majoring in Health Services. Jammie also works as a certified fitness trainer and health educator. Jammie is currently serving on the Board of Directors of In The Meantime as Secretary.

Who are your mentors now, and when you were raised?

Growing up, my mentors were my parents, Mack and Annie Hopkins. They instilled in me the value of working hard for what you desire in life, and their relationship served as a constant example of the sacrifices and commitment required to cultivate and maintain true love. My professional mentor is Dr. Antronette Yancey. Her guidance, encouragement, and (sometimes tough) love will be instrumental in my development as an out and proud scholar and professional.

Interest/ Hobbies?

Right now, my interests and hobbies are owned by the UCLA School of Public Health, LOL. When I don’t have my head in a book or in front of a computer screen, my favorite thing to do is dance. The freedom of expression and beauty of human motion is amazing to me, so I indulge in it whenever I can. I also enjoy reading a good book, mixing drinks, having thought provoking conversations, and working out.

You profession or future aspirations?

Professionally, my interests all center on improving physical activity and healthy eating habits of people of color, particularly us Black folks. After earning the doctorate, I plan on working in an area where I can make some real changes. I’m trying to run thangs! Once I feel I have a foundation, I’ll eventually look toward being a university professor so I can train the next generation of our community’s gatekeepers to health.

Your favorite recording artist?

I have two favorites: Jill Scott, and Donny Hathaway. Whenever I hear their music, it gives me chills. I’m actually listening to Donny right now ☺

Who is the most sexy black entertainer/ actor/ singer?

Aww how you gonna make me choose!? Well, I’ve always had it bad for Djimon Hounsou…ever since the Janet video. He gives me strength, masculinity, sensitivity, and BODY! As for the younger kats, I have a major crush on Jensen Atwood. He is ridiculously pleasing to the eyes, and when I met him he was cool as a fan and seemed unfazed by his new ‘sex symbol’ status.

There are too many talented, sexy Black women to even make a decision. I wouldn’t date them romantically, but I can definitely acknowledge ‘woman’ sexy!

What are you dating habits (once a week, etc…)?

Ok, this is embarrassing…I actually don’t date much. I love meeting new people, but unfortunately I haven’t been very lucky in this area. I’m hoping this lil’ endeavor will encourage some brothas to come out the woodwork and come say HI! Don’t be shy!

What type of men do you look for?

I look for 3 main things: A brilliant mind, a generous heart, and a positive, healthy outlook on life. I am a very driven, passionate person so I definitely prefer men that have defined goals and are actively achieving them. I’m a health-nut, so brotha must treat his body like a temple. As far as a romantic partner is concerned, I’m looking for a guy that will affirm my existence and understands the concept of RECIPROCITY. I’m naturally a “giver” so it would be great to meet a man that will appreciate my gifts and give back without reservation.

And let’s face it…ole boy better have some serious sexual charisma. I’m a Scorpio, so bringing your A-game in that department is CRUCIAL, LOL.

Idea of a romantic date?

First, I’d prefer we do something physically interactive (not that!...well not yet ☺) I’d love to take a dance class together, share a fun workout, or do a hands-on arts/craft activity. Next, we would clean up (together or apart depending on how long we’ve been dating) and have a nice meal at home. After that, we’d spend a little time talking and flirting. Next would be massages under candlelight. After that…well you get the picture!

What are your thoughts about the Black community?

I feel the Black community at large has power far beyond our greatest thoughts. We have survived cruelty, condemnation, and terror. Unfortunately, we have forgotten how powerful we really are. And because we have forgotten, the world does not acknowledge or respect us. We as Black people have got to figure out how to better edify and uplift one another so we can once again tap into the power that has always been at our fingertips.

Share your views on marriage:

Marriage to me is the ultimate commitment you can make to the man or woman you love. I’m less concerned about the political or legal ‘definition’ of marriage. When you agree to marry somebody, you are giving that person access to your body, spirit, and emotions without reservation. It’s a beautiful thing. Saying “I do” and putting a ring on a finger is trivial….it’s about the commitment you make and keep.

What are the key concerns for Black gay men today and how might we address them?

Obviously, the growing prevalence of HIV/AIDS is a huge concern. There are too many of us infected and affected by this tragic disease. Another concern for our community is our severe lack of SELF LOVE. There is far too much jealousy, animosity, ‘shade throwing’, and pessimism involved in how we treat each ourselves other as Black gay men. Society at large does a great enough job putting us down. If we truly expect the world to start loving us unconditionally, we must love ourselves first.

We can start addressing our issues by acknowledging they exist. Black people are notorious for fakin’ the funk when it comes to how we feel. We gotta put it all out on the table…everybody has got something they can work on. After we start helping each other deal with our personal demons and shortcomings, we will have a foundation of solidarity to start dealing with our major problems as a people. Once that happens, I think the world at large will give us our due respect.

What matters the most to you in life?

Living up to my purpose. I honestly feel I was put here to do great things, so my top priority is to be the best man, son, father, mentor, lover, educator, professional, teacher, husband I can be in order to fulfill my purpose.

The GAME FACE is now officially ON!

2007-09-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

I am a week away from embarking on the most mentally, physically, and emotionally challenging journey of my life...DOCTORAL STUDIES. All of the long nights of studying, times I've sacrificed party time for study time, GRE tests, scholarship applications, checks to my confidence, pep talks, blood sweat and tears have all culminated to this stage I'm approaching. I've made it.

I will be studying at the premier institution on the West Coast in my given discipline. My mentor and direct supervisor is one of the hardest working women in the field...by default I'll be one of the hardest working students in the field. I am in a field dominated by women. In fact, I am the only male student in my cohort, Black or otherwise. I did not grow up (academically) in Public Health...I'm a exercise physiologist and fitness professional by training. The cards are stacking up.

The schedule that I will maintain starting Thursday, September 27th at 5:00 AM...it's full...it's demanding...it's a little scary too. Every hour of the day is accounted for. 4 graduate level class plus 20+ hours of research project responsibilities. GULP.

Take a look and tell me what you think......

MONDAY THRU THURSDAY:

Wake up at 5 AM. Go to gym from 5:30-7:30 am where I will attempt to do physical therapy AND a complete workout. Go home, put ice on the knee, breakfast, shower, clothes, and be at the office (or out at a worksite) by 9. Work from 9-12. Class from 12-2 pm (what happened to lunch?). Another class from 2-4. Back to the office to work from 4-6pm. Go home, cook (I'm a broke ass student and a health nut to boot so cooking is not an option...it's a rule), eat, and catch my breath. Have my ass in the study lounge by 8pm. Study, read, and prepare for next day's classes from 8-10:30pm. Walk up to my apt, brush my teeth, wash my face, say a quick prayer, and FALL OUT asleep by 11pm. Alarm is set at 5 AM....

FRIDAY:

Same as Monday thru Thursday, but after work my brain will be mush so studying is out of the question. Friday nights are dedicated to CHILLIN. Maybe grab a meal with friends. Make it a Blockbuster night and veg out in my apartment. A 'companion' would be ideal...but unlikely.

SATURDAY:

I actually get to wake up AFTER the sun rises :). Hit the gym first thing. Eat brunch. Run a few errands and/or clean up the shoebox (my apartment). Find a nice relaxed place to focus, head down to the study lounge, or post up in my apartment. Dedicate ALL of Saturday afternoon and early evening to getting caught up with readings, papers, and research stuff. Take a break around 6 and have dinner (with friends???). After dinner, make a decision....have I caught myself up? If so, put my freakum jeans on, sip on some of that special long island tea, and play hard with the boys out on the town. If not (which will most likely be the case), take my behind back to the lounge and work it out academically for the rest of the night. Either way, I'm leaving the club/bar/concert/houseparty/study lounge/starbucks by 2 am be under the covers by 3am.

SUNDAY:
Sunday is REGENERATION DAY. If there is no hangover and I fell asleep at a decent time (and if I don't have any company over...hee hee), pop in the Rodney Yee Yoga Series DVD and get my asanas on for an hour. Dress up a little for church. Pray for strength to get me through to the next week. Have lunch with my brother or whomever else is available to kick it. Go to the shop and get a cut (cuz you know damn well a black man can't get his hair anywhere near UCLA). Stroll by our abandoned property in Pasadena and check for transients...don't forget the baseball bat...Don't play, crackheads and meth monsters will try to regulate on a mofo if you don't have protection. After the inspection, head to the house to visit Dad. Absorb myself in the COON-ERY and dramatics of the Hopkins family for a few hours while I pay the bills, balance the financial accounts, and handle shit my dad didn't get around to. If I'm really feeling generous, I may even cook dinner...or not ;). Eat dinner, load up the ride, and push on back to my cozy shoebox of an apartment in Westwood. Once I get home, whip up a cocktail, finish up the rest of the errands and/or homework, write out my game plan for the next week, have a mini 'metro session' (facial scrub, do the nails, shave), and slide into the sheets by 11pm. Alarm is set at 5 AM....

Sounds like fun, don't it?

I'm certain of one thing...this journey will DEMAND the very best out of me. Am I confident that I can do this? Of course. I've been waiting for a challenge like this.

Am I nervous? HELL YEAH! I'm surrounded by so many ultra intelligent workaholics it's not even funny. It's like regular exercise, sleep, and any remnants of a robust social life is unheard of around here. Adjusting to that is gonna be a BITCH.

Will I have an active social life? Ummm...probably not. 10 weeks of hell at a time, and then I get a vacation. Whomever created the academic quarter system has a SICK sense of humor and needs a beatdown.

Will I have a romantic life (keep in mind I didn't say sex life, there's a difference)? Do I want that kind of complication in my life at this stage? The jury is still out on that one. On one hand, I've been yearning to meet a bomb ass dude to call my own..but on the other hand, I realize that I would make a neglectful, distracted, moody, distant boyfriend...is that fair?

Will I be able to hang until December? Hmmm....well if I don't hang on till Dec I will be jobless, apartment-less, penniless, and back at home with my father....hmmmm...what do you think??!

Will this all be worth it? ABSOLUTELY!!

Ok, let it be written...as of 3:37 pm PST on Wednesday, September 19th 2007, Jammie has OFFICIALLY put his GAME FACE ON!

!!!!!!!!#%$#%$&%$&^%*&%*&%%(%^&^%!!!!!!

To my friends...if I seem distant or non-responsive, I apologize in advance. I haven't forgotten about you. I'm just doing what I have to do to keep my head above water. Don't take it personally. I will do my best to find quality time to spend with you. Be patient.

To my family...I've worked overtime to support and edify you endeavors, and now it's time to return the favor. There is no way I can do this without your blessings and support, so please come correct with it. If I come home on Sunday lookin like a crack head on meth...don't point and laugh :) Help me make a sandwich, tell me to sit my ass down, and crack a few jokes. This Ph.D. is not just about me, it's about YOU and our FAMILY as well. Please be a part of the process.

To the bloggies of the world...Dancehard is not going anywhere. I may be on hiatus from time to time, but rest assured that you all will get sips of my tea when the temperature is just right. UNTIL THEN keep on pushin', put on that GAME FACE and SERVE!

"Are you Masculine or Feminine?"...Why can't I just be ME?!

2007-09-03T23:54:00.000-07:00

Prepare yourself...I had to GO OFF on this topic!

Very recently, I had the pleasure of meeting former Chicago public school teacher, disciplinarian, and now educational speaker and writer Benn Setfrey. His book "Don't Shoot, I'm Coming Out!" functions as a sharply written, achingly wity, manifesto to gay men who deal with the stupid stereotypes and misconceptions of the heterosexual world. This brother gave us real talk about living life "out loud" with integrity, coming into one's sexuality with grace and pride, religion and spirituality, and he KILLED IT when it came to discussing positive black gay relationships.

HOWEVER, a few chapters made me GAG. In both "Gays to Men" and "How to Man Up", Sefrey stresses the importance of suppressing the overwhelming presence of effeminate gay men in our community, and calls forth older masculine gay brothers to step up and show these young gay boys how to be "real men". After reading those chapters several times and having a conversation with the author himself, I'm still bothered by those words. It seemed as if the author was putting down the brothas who have a bit swing in their step, opting to idolize the "straight acting" homosexual. This got me to thinking...

Why is their so much emphasis placed on what is "masculine" and "feminine" in the Black Gay Community? How do you distinguish between what is "masculine" and what is "fem"? And why is it that the "fem" dudes so very often get the short end of the stick when it comes to respect?

Setfrey points to a lack of masculine socialization many young black gay men receive in their formative years as a reason for blatant displays of effeminate behavior later on in life. While he may be onto something, I personally believe he is missing the mark. This (again) got me to thinking of my own development as a black gay man...

Thinking back, I guess I did exhibit some "questionably feminine" behavior. I was fascinated by hair, and I loved to play with people's hair. If the girls were outside playing double dutch or hopscotch, I got my turn too. I knew all of the "hand clap" games by heart, and even made it to number 35 in the "Slide" game. I owned a Popple, and loved that little mofo. And the kicker...I was a HUUUUUGGGEEE fan of Muppet Babies, Lamb Chop, and Pee Wee Herman.

But at the same time you would never find me congregating near the girl's bathroom smacking gum and mooning over boys. I was WITH the boys. Playing football in Tim Spicer's backyard. Going down to the riverbed to catch frogs and raise hell. Jumping fences. Hell, even watching straight porn with my brothers and older neighborhood boys (although now I acknowledge I was focused more on the D&B than the T&A, LOL). Having four older brothers, a present and active father, and living in a neighborhood of mostly boys, I was socialized in a very masculine environment. In the end, that had nothing to do with displays of my burgeoning "feminine" side...it was all intermixed.

Over time, I've grown to honor and respect the vast DIVERSITY of the Black Gay Community. We come in all shapes and sizes, and it's a BEAUTIFUL thing. We have homo-thugs, athletes, dancers, leather bears, twinks, prettyboys, butch queens, fem queens, drag queens, trannies, lipstick lesbians, butch lesbians, divas, and average joes. It's not our fault that society at large has chosen to typecast us as lispy, neck rolling, diva-worshiping male queens and butch, super aggressive lesbians. Why should we submit to that oppression by forcing our young men to "butch it up like real men" and demanding our young women to "walk, talk, and submit like real ladies?"

What aspects of our masculinity really contribute to our MANHOOD? Is it the way we speak? The clothes we wear? The sports we play (or don't play)? Our mannerisms? I'd like to think that MANHOOD is more closely linked to our PRINCIPLES and INTEGRITY as men. To be a MAN is to honor, respect, defend, and love your family. To be a MAN is to serve as an uplifiting, positive role model for other men. To be a MAN is to address women with the upmost respect and appreciation. To be a MAN is to know your role, and stand firm in it. Who gives a damn if you occasionally queen out to Beyonce or kee-kee with the kids if you are handling your MANLY business?

My question is...if we as gay men are doing everything that a REAL man of principle and integrity should do, isn't that enough to validate and legitimize our MANHOOD? Why the fuck is it so damn important that we always dress, act, speak, and associate a certain way to be certified as "masculine" or "a real man?".

Mr. Setfrey, I'm a huge fan of your book and will say great things on your behalf. However, your "Man-Up!" message is ass-backwards. The persona of the flamboyant gay man is not the issue....well at least not the entire issue. Members of our community should not only accept flamboyant "effeminate" men, but GIVE THEM PROPS. Without the flaming queens, drag queens, and trannies, there would not have been a Stonewall Riots in 1969. Without them, Gay Pride celebrations probably wouldn't exist. And without the host of gay men and women living their lives out loud (with or without 'feminine' tendencies) and fighting for our rights, many of the supposedly "straight-acting" gay men wouldn't have a social or political leg to stand on. RECOGNIZE GAME and SHOW RESPECT, even if that's not how you get down. If you feel that the mainstream protrayal of gays leans to far to the queens, instead of bad mouthing the fems, call out the alleged "straight-acting" brothas and encourage THEM to step up their game!

MY FIRST FULL RESEARCH GRANT....WHHHHAAATTT!!!

2007-08-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

I AM SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW!!!! After months of writing, researching, long hours, waiting...more waiting, and a handful of rejection letters, I received word that I was awarded a UCLA Jonsson Comprehensive Cancer Center Research Grant!!! I feel like it's my birthday, for real! I literally did cartwheels and back handsprings in the hall, LMAO.

Receiving full academic support is like a wet dream for a doctoral student in my department. You see, my degree is known as a Dr. P.H. (Doctorate of Public Health), which is considered a 'professional' doctorate degree. The Ph.D. degree is considered an 'academic' doctorate degree. Ph.D. students are routinely offered free rides along with decent salaries to live off of. Dr. P.H. student don't get JACK SHIT in terms of FREE funding. Funding sources for us are tight as a virgin's coochie (that's for you Trent). AND GET THIS!! To add insult to injury, these fools have the AUDACITY to charge us Dr.P.H. students an EXTRA $3000 in fees for being 'professional students'!!! WTF!!!!We are responsible for the same level of coursework and research experiences yet we get the funding shaft because we are being groomed as 'professional leaders in public health' and may have more career options than 'researcher' and 'professor'. It's not like we are getting paid doctors' and lawyers' salaries when we reach the top, so I say BOOOOO HISSSSS to that rationale. But alas, it is what it is.

That is why this grant is so exciting to me. IF you are even lucky enough to receive full funding as a Dr.P.H., you are awarded only as a returning student. I got mine on the first shot! Well, I got rejected from 3 other sources but whatever...one of them came through. With this grant, my school fees and a good portion of my salary will be guaranteed for TWO YEARS. Man, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I was just about to enter into about $30,000 of ADDITIONAL DEBT before this jewel fell in my hands. Finally some validation for all this time and energy I've put into establishing a new foundation in this crazy ass world called Public Health.

Taken yesterday at my poster session. This is GROWN FOLKS BUSINESS!!!

See folks...in academia, well at least at major research universities (like UCLA), your salary is never guaranteed. For as much money these big assed name schools generate, they are CHEAP AS HELL when it comes paying folks. Actually in many instances the University do not pay professors/researchers at all...you get paid through the research grants you are awarded. That means you constantly hustle and bust your ass to identify research funding opportunities...spend months preparing these ridiculously detailed grants...have your work mercilessly reamed, slighted, and picked apart by anal-retentive review boards...finally carve a decent product...send it in...and wait by the mailbox. If you get funded, you (and your entire research team) will be able to eat, pay your bills, and continue researching. If you don't get funded, you better have more luck on another grant or you're screwed. If you get told no too many times, you may be out of a job. It's a cutthroat business, being a professional nerd.

Me with my professional angel, Dr. Antronette Yancey. Ain't she tall?

But on the flip side, when you have successfully pimped the system and get paid as a result, it feels orgasmic. Everybody wins when money comes through the door. My professor earns bragging rights and excellent reviews for future research. My research assistants will receive much-deserved raises. Our team may be able to hire a new assistant, which will make our lives less stressful. Everybody walks around more refreshed and ready to work harder.

A few of the lovely ladies I've had the pleasure of working (and acting a hot ass mess, lol) with this summer.

Not only are you ensuring your future livelihood, your are breathing life back into the research you are doing. You can continue to do what you love. You can continue to help people and change lives. It's amazing.

AHH THE JOY OF FREE MONEY. I'm gonna be acting a straight up DONKEY this weekend celebrating over this!!! But first, I gotta pull an all-nighter to finish this manuscript. Don't ya just LOVE the life of a Super Nerd!

THE TERMINAL TOP

2007-08-17T12:03:00.000-07:00

After having a rather disclosing conversation with a dear friend of mine about our romantic and sexual hits and misses, I once again began to think about one of the most frustrating and despicable issues prevalent among folks actively engaging in sexual relations (gay or straight)...selfish lovers and the lack of reciprocity in the bedroom. In terms of SGL male sexuality, I call these men "Terminal Tops (TT)".

In my experiences, I've dealt with 3 men (one rather recently) who embody the "Terminal Top" persona. Each time I've gotten involved sexually (I use this term loosely...there wasn't much SEX going on...TT's are like a shot of anti-Viagra), I've walked away pissed off and 'unsatisfied' at the pisspoor quality of the intimacy that was shared. I feel compelled to share with the bloggies of the world the mystique of the "Terminal Top" and hopefully create some dialogue that will one day ERADICATE its presence from our romantic and sexual lives.

Ok, here we go....

What is a 'Terminal Top'?

The Terminal Top is the man preoccupied with taking the more assertive role in sexual activities. He is the TOP, the Alpha, and the Omega. He sets the pace and dictates the flow of the love making. He fully expects his submissive bottoms to throw themselves at (and on top of) his talented magic stick and have them end up "wore out, dehydrated, and half damn handicapped" from his sexual skills. Once the deal is done and the nut is spilled, the Terminal Top rolls over, spoons against his recovering prey (or dismisses them from the bedroom), and falls out asleep.

How does he function?

The Terminal Top functions on the principle of "My pleasure is your pleasure". He is concerned primarily with his own sexual gratfication and considers the satisfaction of his partner a secondary matter (or in extreme cases, not a matter at all). Men who commonly use phrases such as "I'ma knock the bottom out that ass" and "I'ma make you my bitch" are highly suspect of being Terminal Tops. "Suck MY Dick", and "tongue MY balls". For some, "eat MY 'cookies'". And lastly, "ride THIS dick until I cum". The Terminal Top gives little to no attention to the specific needs of his partner, unless they 1) can be fulfilled rather quickly; 2) can be satisfied when he is getting his; or 3) can be employed to speed up the process of him "gettin' in that ass."

Don't confuse the Terminal Top with the score of men who are thoughtful, expressive lovers who just do not wish to be penetrated. I'll call them "Attentive Tops". Many of them have tried it, but don't like it. They understand that being the bottom requires special skills, tolerance, and preparation (ummmhmm I went there) and show mad respect. They are eagerly attentive and sensitive to the pleasure of their lovers and take genuine effort in ensuring their receptive partners "gets theirs" by the time its all said and done. And when it comes down to the main event, they work the middle they way it should be worked...so that both parties involved enjoy the ride. Y'all are cool in my book. Keepin on' doing what you do.

Now, back to these pesky Terminal Tops...

Will I date him? HELL TO THE NAW!!!!

Now I know there are some men (and women) out there that are receptive to, even fantasize about, Terminal Tops coming into their bedroom and using them for whatever nasty and freaky thoughts that come into their domineering heads. If that's you, I'm not knocking your preferences or criticizing your choices. DO YOU, but have caution. Make sure the man/woman you are entertaining respects you as a person before you assume the position.

Personally, I feel THAT S**T IS WHACK as some crack. Being that I'm a versatile man that prefers dealing with other versatile men, I automatically throw caution to men that deem themselves 'total tops' or 'aggressive tops.' However, I do not completely banish total tops from my list of potential partners.

It all comes down to the matters of respect, reciprocity, and attentiveness. I'm naturally a "giver" in romantic and sexual relationships, meaning I take pride and pleasure in ensuring that my partner is being fulfilled and genuinely enjoys our mutual experience. I'll admit that I'm rather 'assertive' when it comes to this role. However, it frustrates me to infinite ends when the desire to please gets translated into "It's all about me". NO FOOL IT AIN'T ALL ABOUT YOU. I've heard excuses from "It was just feeling too damn good" to "I get sleepy after I've ***" used to explain why the guy hasn't put some serious work into figuring out what makes me tick and EXECUTING. In one situation, it even came down to me literally attempting to COACH him on how to please me, to no avail. And when he fell asleep after gettin' his goodies and I decided to take matters into my own hands for relief, this fool had the AUDACITY to wake up and get mad at me for not waiting for him to hook me up. WTF!!!! After that, our intimate interactions were a WRAP.

Okay, sorry I got a little personal there. My goal behind this post is to get folks to see that fulfilling sex and romance is a TWO WAY STREET. It requires patience, generosity, and diligence to ensure that both partners involved walk away with a smile on their faces. In the case of the Terminal Top, that respect to their partner often doesn't exist. It's rude, wrong, and it fucks up the moment. I challenge all Terminal Tops to check your ego at the door and really put your back into pleasing your partners. Even if it means stepping a little out of your comfort zone. If you don't know how to please, ask him/her. Take mental notes when y'all are making whoopie. It's that simple. I guarantee your small investment will translate into a TREMENDOUS return.

And for the folks out there that have been burned and disappointed by Terminal Tops (myself included), SPEAK UP!!!! If you feel that you are not getting respect, DEMAND IT. Depending on your personality, you can be diplomatic in your demands or give a nice healthy dose of tough love (aka. 'CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN'). If you're dealing with a good man/woman who is invested in your pleasure, they will shape up real quick. And if all else fails and you have a hopeless Terminal Top on your hands, cut your losses, cover your cakes with aluminum, and KEEP IT PUSHIN. Sure you may be walking away from a Monster Penis or a Tyson Beckford lookalike, but your dignity and sexual satisfaction are worth it.

Sexual gratification and intimacy are things that should be enjoyed by ALL. One sided relationships, sexual or otherwise, are for the birds. Gay, straight, bi, trans, top, bottom, vers, or other, you have a right to get it the way you want it (and dare I say 'need' it).

I'll leave you with my personal credo concerning this issue ...

"You had better love, honor, and cherish ALL of my naughty bits (read: Real men give head) and be damn patient if you plan on having me open up my bakery to let you feast on my cinnamon buns and pound my cakes."

And that's on the real.

Holla at me with your thoughts, rants, comments, and suggestions!!

I'm getting there...physically

2007-08-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

THEY CUT ME!!!! The surgeon, I mean. Just over a month ago, I had surgery to help correct an injury that has plagued me for over 3 long, frustrating years. I'm happy to say the surgery was successful, and I'm now on the road to true recovery. It's gonna be a long, frustrating journey, but damnit I'm gonna get my stroll back! Please believe!

A little history....

Lemme tell ya, patellofemoral pain syndrome and chondromalacia of the knee are a BITCH to deal with.

Chondro-ma-what??? you say? Basically, due to faulty biomechanics, flat feet, and going WAY overboard with working out and dancing during college, my left knee does not smoothly glide in the groove that lies between my femur (thigh bone) and the bones of my lower leg. My kneecap veers out to the left, causing damage underneath the cap and this god awful nagging pain whenever I get into a squatting position. Which is NOT GOOD cuz' y'all know how I like to drop it like it hot! LOL.

Anyways, after 3 years of anti-inflammatory pills, trips to sorry ass physical therapists, trips to good physical therapists, and a 9 month foray with a chiropractor (which I HIGHLY recommend...especially the phine ones, hee hee)...no significant progress. When both my orthopedic doctor and my anti-surgery chiropractor decided to say 'fuck this we gotta get gully on this issue', I knew surgery was in order.

Luckily, surgery for this condition is super easy and minimally invasive. Poke 2 holes in the knee, stick a scope and camera through the holes, check out the joint for anything ugly, take out and/or repair anything ugly, make the kneecap nice and smooth, and THE END.

My doctor was not expecting to see too much nastiness in there considering the MRI and X-rays showed nothing. Well he went in there, and BABEE I could of had a cigarette when he was done. Hell, I don't even remember getting the anesthesia countdown. I woke up, my knee was wrapped, and I was being fed the most GLORIOUS narcotic medication through the IV. Ooh lawd now i see how folks grow addicted to that ish.

Once the PAIN that ensued after those wonder drugs wore off, it was time to get to business. I've been in physical therapy for the past six weeks, and things are coming around slowly but surely. I about damn near LOST IT when some of the nagging pain came back, but I was ensured that it was normal and a part of the healing process. I'm hoping they ain't lying, because I may have to cut a bitch for trying to placating me...3 years of a dream deferred is enough to make me come after somebody. But I digress :)

Physical therapy this time is fun because I really feel like I'm getting somewhere. I can pretty much squat w/no weight without pain which is PROGRESS people. My therapist was hella clowning me though because apparently my glutes (aka the big ol' booty muscles) aren't doing their job properly in maintaining my hip stability. Her remark:

Umm, Jammie....You have all that ASS, you better start using it!!

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT?!!! I was DONE. I was offended and laughing hysterically all at the same time. This heifa actually said I had a 'dysfunctional booty'. Ain't that some shit? LOL.

I will say one thing though, Amy (my therapist) is getting me right together. We finally have been able to push the envelope a bit, and it feels GREAT to finally feel like I'm putting forth a real physical effort. I'm weak as hell, my balance is dismal, and I get nervous about using full pressure on my knee, but guess what? I'm one step closer to being fully functional!

I seriously dream of the day when I can just walk into a dance class and work hard without having to obsess over my knee and run for the ice pack right afterward. To be able to go out dancing and break it down like how I used to motivates me. The first day I can go to the gym and have a nice hard leg workout and get that delightful feeling of soreness the next day will be big for me.

This healing process is far from over, but now I look forward to what is to come. Having been physically humbled really makes me appreciate my body and what it does for me. Having my own physical struggle has made me a better fitness trainer and supporter for folks who have physical limitations. I've learned to give my body what it says it need, NOT what I think it needs or what I want to give it. Excellent lessons learned.

PLEASE BELIEVE THOUGH...WHEN I GET BACK TO 100%, BE PREPARED! Y'ALL AIN'T READY FOR THE STRONGER, FASTER, CONDITIONED, AND SMARTER DANCEHARD!!

Here is a youtube clip I look at every day for inspiration. It's from the Cirque du Soleil show "Zumanity", and it's absolutely beautiful. The masculine side of dance!

A Sip of my Tea (aka: Updates)

2007-07-26T06:39:00.000-07:00

(picture courtesy of Rod 2.0...one of my faves)

Hmm....that's a hot lil' title, no? For those of you not hip to the lingo of the 'kids', the term 'givin' the tea' refers to offering up your business at free will. Since a lot is going on as of late, and I'm trying REALLY HARD not to go overboard with lengthy posts, I'll offer up a small lil' sip of my tea...

1. Adjusting to life in West Los Angeles

I knew moving to L.A. proper would be an adjustment, but I had NO IDEA that I would be affected so much by how things go down here on the West-side. Although I've been exposed to very affluent environments, living in one has proved to be quite challenging. I now live in an area of Los Angeles known as Westwood, home to the campus of UCLA. To drive my point home, here's a lil' map of Westwood and it's surrounding communities. Anything look familiar?

Quick geography lesson...Westwood is wedged between the well-to-do communities of Santa Monica, Bel Air (remember Fresh Prince?), Beverly Hills, and West Hollywood. Case in point, folks got CASH around here and arent afraid of letting you know it. Coming from a modest, yet respectable upbringing, on several occasions I've been appalled at the behavior of the rich folks. Blowing through red lights, walking to the front of the line like they own it, trying to address me in "brotha talk" because they think it's funny, spitting in the face of the homeless, bragging over who's designer bag cost more, kids cursing out their grown parent without a beatdown afterwards (oooh lawd I almost pulled a Madea on this bad ass kid), crazy shit pure and simple. Throw in the fact that the heavy majority of the black folks live on the other side of town (LA is a BIIIG town), and we have a cultural hot mess on our hands. Pray for me before I go upside Caitlin and Broadie's head!!!!

2. UCLA, a cultural and academic oasis....until classes start.

Within the overpriced, undermannered dynamics of Westwood lies this gem known as UCLA. I admit it, I ain't even started school officially but I'm already claiming my Bruins! Even though we black folks are still subject to the "3% and under rule", I feel a certain level of peace here on campus. It feels amazing being among the best of the best academically, athletically, artistically, and professionally. I'm seriously like a kid in a candy store. I have an amazing faculty mentor, a great support team, my future classmates seem cool as a fan, and this campus is the bomb! It's stunningly beautiful...i'm talking the landscape, architecture, AND the student body....even though there are a shortage of us brothas in academia in general, but the ones I've seen so far on campus....FIRE! Can u imagine how insanely hot it is to come across a Taye Diggs look-alike that just happens to be a recognized cardiologist or engineering professor? TOO MUCH. And don't even let me get started with the Sports boys...let's just say I have all the motivation in the world to step it up at the gym....these boys don't play!

Speaking of men, the refreshing thing about UCLA is that I see more brothas that are living "out loud" and not worried about what the hell other people think. For me, experiencing that is RARE. Makes me think that opportunities for dating on campus could be a reality and not a wishful thought.

Another thing I love about UCLA is how you can find just about everything you need on campus (except for a haircut, lol). The dance and performing arts department here is off-the-chain, meaning that when my knee gets to 100% I won't have to go searching for dance classes elsewhere. Top notch medical and dental facilities are in walking distance. Hell, they even have an experimental day spa on campus where you can get your metrosexual on! And let's not forget the amazing sports teams and venues...I'm HELLA excited to see my Bruins Football and Gymnastics up close and personal!!! Can't wait!

That is, until the beginning of the school year. Once classes start, this school will OWN ME. For 10 weeks at a time, I'll be eating, sleeping, and drinking UCLA and the School of Public Health. I shudder at the thought. But it's all good though...I like where I am, I feel at home, and I have everything I need withing grasping distance. IT'S GONNA BE ON AND CRACKIN!

OK, enough tea for today. Time to get dressed and show these fools who's running thangs! Please believe it!

I'm Still Here People!

2007-07-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

HEY BLOGGIES!!!! I've finally gotten my ish together and am back in the blog world! So much has gone on since my last post...a trip to New Orleans, moving out of the family's house for the LAST time (HALLELUJAH THANK YA JESUS)...moving to UCLA...living in the dorms for the summer (which is a hot mess!)...dealing with these crazy ass people of West Los Angeles (aka the rich bitches)...starting a new chapter in my academic career...dealing with the affections of unsuspecting women...gettin' some action (finally!). A mixed bag of experiences and emotions, too many to write about all at once.

I'm rededicating myself to staying consistent with this blog...there were times when I was going through it where I was frothing at the bit cuz I couldn't get my fingers to keys. There is so much to tell y'all, but not enough time in the day to make it good. Soooo, expect a lil' taste from me on a regular basis. STARTING NOW.

Hope everybody out there is enjoying life and handling their business!

BYE!

I was out learning...pass me a cigarette

2007-05-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. After doing a bunch of odd jobs and putting in my time at the gym, I headed over to the local java shop for a mocha and some study time. For the first time in MONTHS, I studied and wrote hardcore for 3 solid hours. As I now come down from the 'academic high' I feel like I need a cigarette. That shit was good :)

Am I a weirdo, or just plain nerdy? Whenever I have the time and energy to immerse myself in learning something, the feeling is near orgasmic for me. Have you ever been absorbed in reading, writing, public speaking, or some other academic endeavor and you just get in the zone? I live for that! And the satisfaction you receive when you work on a difficult problem and you all of a sudden figure it out?! PURE BLISS. Sometimes I gotta check myself to make sure i don't need a shower.

Okay it's not that serious :) but for real the quest for knowledge is truly exciting. I wonder how we all can instill this thirst for knowledge in the next generation of the kids? Because frankly, the growing resentment for education and 'book smarts' the young folks give off is truly breaking my heart.

Anybody else could use a cigarette after they do some serious brainwork? We could share one, LOL.

****For the record, I do NOT smoke...ANYTHING...LOL***

It's the Little Things

2007-05-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Lemme tell you...it feels GREAT to feel normal again. When I turned in my students' grades last Friday (which marked the official END of my semester from hell) a wave of calm rushed over me. After a year of feeling completely overwhelmed and unsettled, I finally 'exhaled'. And damn, who knew breathing freely could feel so damn good.

It's funny....we take the simple things for granted until we don't have access to them. Friday night I was able to chill with my friends TheBlacks and Trent without having to worry about waking up early the next day. I could kick back and have a few drinks without having to worry about driving an hour home and waking up 4 hours later to start my day. Okay I had too many damn drinks and was showin' my ass but it's alright because I was comfortable and FREE. Well maybe a little too free...the combination of Hipnotiq and Hennesey makes for a DANGEROUS mix, lol. Ehh oh well.

After waking up to an expected hangover, I was able to share a late breakfast with my friend. You would think having breakfast on a Saturday morning as no big deal right? Well for me it was. My typical Saturday morning for the past year consisted of handling my father's financial affairs, cleaning up a week's worth of junk around our house, and getting prepared to study for the majority of the day. The slightly overcast sky, company of a friend, and tasty mushroom spinach scramble with orange juice was pure heaven.

After leaving, I opted to skip my planned activities for the day to go home, nurse my hangover, and veg out. IT FELT GREAT. I spent four hours calling friends and family members I've grossly neglected over the past year, took a cat nap, and watched Charm School episodes (which by the way is a HOT ASS MESS, but HILARIOUS!).

After vegging out, I hit the gym. It's a damn shame how inconsistent my workouts have been, considering I'm the bloody fitness trainer! I could finally go to the gym and not worry about getting in a half-assed workout and cleaning up in less than an hour. I enjoyed an awesome 2-hour session complete with some light cardio, weights, gymnastics conditioning (ugh), a couple of dance movements, a ridiculous stretching routine, and ended with the jacuzzi. Baabbby I was floating on air when I got outta there.

I showered and primped up to meet part of my ol' high school crew for dinnter and a movie :) I giggled like a schoolgirl to the antics of Shrek 3 and was treated to a feast at Cheesecake Factory courtesy of my friend Ms. Moneybags. I was planning on ending the night with a trek to LA to play with the boys, but I was feeling too damn chilled to deal with traffic and tombfoolery. I took my behind home and FELL OUT.

Woke up Sunday morning to birds chirping, mariachi music from the neighbors, and Tony Toni Tone's Greatest Hits blasting from my dad's stereo with him givin' me a HORRIBLE protrayal of Raphael Saddiq....sigh, so much for a blissful Sunday morning. I made my appearance at church after 4 WEEKS of no-shows. I just knew I was gonna get read for filth by a few of my faith friends, so I mentally prepared myself for the imminent tongue lashing. Service was excellent, although I got indirectly read by the pastor with his references to "drinking that wine will have you acting a fool". LOL that fool had me gagging for a minute. The onslaught by the faith friends was minimal, so peace was restored on the church front.

After lunch with my brother, I headed home to chill with my dad and cook dinner. I got a call from my sweet and sexy friend Reggie from New York, a definite treat. I opted to cook my favorites for Sunday Dinner...catfish, fresh cornbread, corn n' okra, and "healthy" sweet potatoes. It felt great to be back in the kitchen again...i cant even remember the last time I cooked a 'real meal'. Had a couple of sad moments because I was using one of my mom's recipes for the okra, but it was pleasant. More like a glimpse of the past that made me chuckle and shed a few tears. After dinner was complete and the hungry-hungry-negroes ravaged my food, I retired to my bedroom for reading and R&R.

I got an early start on my summer reading list by revisiting bell hooks' "Rock My Soul: Black People and Self Esteem." As far as I'm concerned, this book should be passed out to every Black student in America. A phenomenal read! After reading came my "metro session". In an effort to preserve my sexy, stay in touch with my body, and keep this good black from crackin' too early I try to spend a little time each month doing some serious grooming. A lil' self massage (if you're not up on that, get into it!), manicure, pedicure, aromatherapy with vanilla candles, and an attempted facial started off the night.

*** I'm a novice when it comes to the facial, so do any of y'all have any tips/secrets about giving yourself the perfect facial? Any preferred products for chocolate brown, oily skin?***

Since summer is coming and I'm starting to exhibit bear-like tendencies, I ended the session with a shave and clip here and there. There's nothing like slipping under the covers with silky smooth skin. It's even worth the 'new growth' itch that will happen if I get lazy and don't maintain. F**k what you heard, ain't NOTHING getting waxed over here! NO SIR!

The night ended with progressive relaxation techniques I learned in my sports psych class. These techniques had me knocked out and snoring in the middle of class, and last night was no different. I was out within 10 minutes. Peaceful. Satisfied. Restored.

Now that I've cleared out most of the the tension and my schedule is no longer psychotic, it's time to go back to basics. Get my ass back to the gym on the regular. Cook my own food. Contribute quality time to friends and family at MY LEISURE. Get to church every Sunday and don't forget to pray regularly. Get my financial plan and goals back into order. Stop playing and get going with this thesis. Resurrect my social life and get out and about!

Like India.Arie says, "It's the little things....and the joy they bring". Keep it simple, and embrace the little things.

I'M BAAAACCCCKKKK!

2007-05-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

"I been gone for a minute, but I'm back again..WHAT!" - Lil Kim, 'The Jumpoff'

It feels like forever since I layed some lines down in blogworld. Life in the past month or so has moved lightening-speed, and I've been workin' overtime trying to just maintain. Things will continue to heat up for the next month or so, but it is what it is. All I gotta say is...on June 25th I'll be sooo HAPPY I may have a JOY-GASM....I'm moving out! Yessir, ya boy is officially leaving the nest (once again), this time for good! Kindly accepting all housewarming gifts starting NOW :)

LOL but for real though, I'm looking forward to having a space to call my own and finally living life for ME. My friend Trent has preached to me time and time again "Love them, but don't live for them", and I'm finally gonna listen to his words. I've served as an ultra-dedicated son/brother/cousin/uncle/student/mentor for 25 years, having self-sacrificed more than I'm comfortable admitting. Now it is time to invest some QUALITY energy in ME, as a FIRST PRIORITY. I'm EXCITED!

Having said all that, I now gotta work on contributing more often to blogopia. I'm guilty of being "blog-stingy" and it's time to come clean. I've been slippin' for real, and I've be told (and READ on) repeatedly about keeping the kids thirsty and unfulfilled. I apologize for keeping my thoughts to myself, and I promise to do a better job keeping a glimpse of my live available to all my blog family.

Please believe, DANCEHARD IS BACK!

I Am Ready For Love

2007-04-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

After experiencing a quiet moment and listening to my gurl India.Arie, I realized that "I am ready for love"...

But I'm not willing to discount my sense of principle just to be laying up with somebody. I know what I want, and it's not an empty one-night encounter with a nameless face. What I wouldn't give to have a strong, beautiful man to call my own. Somebody to kiss, hug, and laugh with when I come home from a day of hard work. I spend so much of my time and energy taking care of other people, I wish I could depend on a man to take care of me. No, not like a sugar daddy, more like an romantic ally...somebody that I can lean on for support and TLC. Not to say that my friends and family aren't supportive...what I'm talking about is having a man take care of me in an INTIMATE sense...greet me with a nice long kiss and hug at the door...massage the tension from my shoulders and kiss my neck after a hard day...hold my hand for no reason...whisper and giggle in my ear...initiate wrestling matches...join me in the shower (and initiate whatever happens in the shower, :))...help me cook a meal...have a deep meaningful conversation on our couch over coffee...sing to me, even if his voice sucks :)...sit on my lap, or allow me to sit on his...

All the things I take pleasure in doing to and for my love interests...I'm ready for my turn now. Simply put, I'm yearning for romance. Sex, even good sex, even GREAT sex would be nice...lets keep it real it would be the BOMB right about now, LOL. HOWEVER, I'm more interested in the presence of the entire MAN: his intellect, his spirituality, his thoughts, his sensitivity, his physicality, his vulnerability..that's what I'm looking for. His dick, mouth, and and ass are merely parts of a whole. My desire is that, hopefully soon, a WHOLE man will enter my life and the circumstances for romance will be right.

I'm waiting. Not patiently waiting, but waiting nonetheless. And searching.

Delayed gratification...a blessing and a CURSE

2007-04-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hey blogopia...i know it's be a while since I last posted, but a brotha's been getting his grind on as of late. Life for me at the point is exhaustive, but fulfilling. I have a few things to gripe about but overall, I can't really complain. HOWEVER there is something I've had on my mind the past few weeks that I must share with the world...

This whole notion of DELAYED GRATIFICATION. According to Wikipedia.com, instant gratification is defined as:

"Deferred gratification or delayed gratification is the ability to wait in order to obtain something that one wants. This ability is usually considered to be a personality trait. Daniel Goleman has suggested that it is an important component of emotional intelligence. People who lack this trait are said to need instant gratification and may suffer from poor impulse control."

We've all heard the cliche phrases "Good things only happen to those who wait", "Work hard, then play hard","Be still, and the Lord shall fight your battles" (or get you a piece of steel, LOL) and many others. I believe many of these sayings hold some element of truth, however I'm finding it a BITCH to lead my life with delayed gratification.

Just about every major aspect of my life lends itself to delayed gratification. Financially, I've invested (and will continue to invest) thousands of dollars into an education that should yield job security and decent earnings in the future. In the meantime, I'm reduced to being a chronic B.A.C.S. (Broke Ass College Student). In addition to doing without financially, I sacrifice much of my social life to my educational obligations. While most of the other kids my age are out and about acting a hot sexy gay mess on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I'm lucky to even share a meal and a drink with friends.

Let's not even talk about having a love life...on second thought, let's go there.

Okay, we've established that having limited social time severely restricts my ability to actively date, search for love, hook up, or whatever. In addition to that, I'm running on the "CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN" principle of dating. If you're unfamiliar with CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN, you need to get into some Tyler Perry here, or here.

CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN basically means that I'm not giving nor partaking of the D&B until I meet somebody special. A brotha that can value what I bring to the table and is willing to build something substantial before we hit the sheets. I'd rather hold off on the physical gratification until it actually means something. Needless to say that this proves very HARD to deal with, but it is what it is. I'll just have to take this time to "know myself" until the right dude comes along...sigh.

Alright there is a reason why I posted about this besides bitching about the choices I've made. My point behind this rant is this...what makes it so damn hard to delay gratification? Why does it seem like I'm going against the grain of society when I decide to wait for the greater result? Why do I feel like I'm being penalized with poverty, social isolation, and blue balls for choices that are supposed to build character and pay off in the end? Why are we as Americans (or Westerners for that matter) so hell-bent on instant gratification and "it's all about what I want, when I want it"? Why does this feel doubly true in the Black community, where it seems like what you wear and drive and how willing you are to "get down" often dictates how people perceive your appeal or success?

Please let me know if I've got it twisted. I'm secure and confident in my choices, but DAMN! Why does this mess have to feel so difficult? I know one thing though...this whole delayed gratification deal BETTER NOT be a lie...i'll be mad as hell and might have to pull my gun out my purse!

Holler back ya'll.

-J

Refueling and Reloading

2007-03-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

I love these moments of relaxation and tranquility I'm allowed before life gets really crazy. I'm sitting in this lovely hotel room in Washington DC, enjoying the last few days of my first real business-related trip. I know that once I return to Los Angeles, the heat of my professional and academic life will turn up dramatically. When I return, I will be digging into my thesis work. Although the doctoral program I'm entering will not start until September, I've already been given plenty of doctorate student-like responsibilities. I have to prepare for research papers and presentation in my last academic class. Time to get my hustle on for scholarship and grant money to finance the Ph.D. Time to put the hurting on my own students, which requires preparation :) Need to make a final decision on whether I will launch this fitness consulting business over the summer. When I return, it's GAME TIME.

I look forward to a wonderfully reduced-stress summer, HOWEVER I have a RIDICULOUS Spring to endure. It will push my limits most likely, but I GOT THIS. Even still, prayer and 'act-a-fool saturdays' will be my saving grace.

Until then, I will enjoy the nation's capital and this wonderfully accommodating hotel room. What is there to do for a young SGL black man to do in DC on a Saturday night? Hmmm...

I have this...problem

2007-03-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

Ok maybe y'all can help me out with this one, or refer me somewhere where I can get some good professional help. Here's the deal...

In normal circumstances, I consider myself a fairly outgoing and gregarious type of guy. I love people, and I thrive in social environments with good folks around me.
When it comes to men, I usually have no problem with being a huge flirt and asserting myself when approaching or being approached. I'm not even gonna lie and say that I got game because I have none whatsoever...i hope my easy going nature and optimism are game enough.

Here's the problem I'm having...When I'm dealing with somebody who's an "average joe" or someone I am certain is feeling me, I'm like a lion...i'll pounce in a second. Whereas, when I encounter somebody who is either unreasonably FINE, very accomplished, or highly intellectual (or a combination of all three), I FREEZE.

It's like the second I have an opportunity to act, I start getting all anxious and self-conscious. I break myself down to see if I can compare. Am I attractive enough? Am I smart enough? Is my wit quick enough? Am I experienced enough? (yes that's a concern of mine, being 25 and able to count the total number of sexual encounters, not partners, I've had on two hands and a foot) What qualities do I possess that might interest this guy? What could this amazing specimen of man desire in me?

This of course is crazy as hell because I know that I am a good catch, and I'm not some mud duck. But why is it that I can't shake these insecurites? This is starting to pose a problem now that my social environment is changing and I'm encountering more and more men that I would consider 'amazing specimens'.

For example, I came across a guy during my conference trip to San Diego a few weeks back. When I first saw him I was like DAMN! Tall, dark skinned (my absolute favorite mmm), well groomed, beautiful smile, easygoing personality, educated (in the same field as myself) the list goes on. Turns out we have a few mutual friends. After my weekend in SD and little bit of investigative reporting back at home, I find out that he is 'family', a nice guy, and available. So why haven't I attempted to holler and swoop down on ol' boy? The 'self-conscious' monster has gotten my ass and Mr. Fear of Rejection has me in a headlock. I have access to his e-mail address, blog page, and I'm sure my friend in San Diego wouldn't mind facilitating some sort of hook up. I have all this ammunition, and yet I sit here tearing myself down to the elements and unearthing my flaws as excuses to not try to establish contact.

So what do you think? Do I need professional help, or the assistance of a few strong cocktails?

Oh yeah, it doesn't help matters that I'm ridiculously sexually repressed right now and my loins feel like they're gonna self-combust at any minute. Just thought I'd add that in, :)

Comments, suggestions, and physician referrals are graciously desired.

I'm gonna be a DOCTOR!!!!!

2007-03-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

This past Friday marked the beginning of a journey that I've always dreamed of, but doubted was attainable. I was in the office, feverishly attempting to put the finishing touches on a minority research grant that would ensure my financial stability while at UCLA (basically, to keep me from having to shake it fast in the club for singles, lol). My professor mentor (whom I consider to be one of the FIERCEST women I've met) asked me when the final drafts were due. Here's the dialogue that followed:

Dr. Y: Jammie, when is that application due? Like the very last minute?

Me: Monday by noon?

Dr. Y: You mean next Monday?

Me: Umm no, I mean Monday like in 3 days.

Dr. Y: SHIT! No! It can't be due then! We have the admissions committee meeting on Monday, and I want to have your admission decision reported in the grant! We need another day!

Me: Well, Wendy (our grant guru) made it pretty clear she needed everything on Monday.

Dr. Y: Well hell, this will not do! I need confirmation NOW! Hmm....lemme see how I can work this out

****office door closes****

Me: Ohhhkkkayy...what all that about??

**** 5 minutes pass****

Dr. Y: Alright folks, we gotta make a final decision on this applicant ASAP. Let's do this

**** 10 minutes pass*****
**** office door opens *****

Dr. Y walks to me with a huge grin. "Hey Jammie." "Yes?" "Guess who's our newest doctoral student?" "WHAT!!!??" "It's official brotha. Welcome to the family, officially"

And that simple, I became the first doctorate of public health student at UCLA School of Public Health for Fall 2007!!! I was excited for about an hour, and then the reality hit home? What the HELL am I getting myself into?! There goes the remnants of my already abbreviated social life. OOOO LAWD i'm gonna get my ASS KICKED!

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy about this turning point. It's just all sinking in now...the reality of being a doctoral student at one of the premier public health schools in the U.S. It's gonna be CRAZY trying to keep up, but I'll be ready to serve these hoes!

For all of you wonderful members of blogopia, I ask for your help. PRAY FOR ME, because I'm gonna all the strength and conviction I can get. IT'S ON!

Smile for the Cameras!

2007-02-18T18:25:00.000-08:00

Some recent pictures in Jammie's World....Enjoy!

I think this one may go in the portfolio...whenever I decide to make one, lol.

Taken on New Years after much wine and champagne!

My first ballroom experience. Taken with Father Taz Ultra-Omni. This man is FINE!

The L.A. Blacks and I at the ball...where are the sex sirens!?

Testing out my new digital. The slightly unkempt look...

The customary mirror picture

Taken at the MTPCCR Summer Institute

My university's representatives at the institute...minus Tiffany :( Love these folks!

A few of my students at the end of our class. I'm such a damn fool lol.

I swear, having a digital camera is like the greatest thing since sliced bread. Expect more candid shots in the future!

My List of Blessings

2007-02-17T15:44:00.000-08:00

Here's a few items on my list...

1. I am blessed to know what true friendship feels like. I mean that I'll bail you out of jail, cuss you out when you need it, listen to your problems until you're done talking, give you love anytime anyplace i don't give a damn who's watching kind of friendship. Deliberately and consequentially, my friends have been put to the test...and they have passed with flying colors. I've learned to honor and appreciate my true friendships, and I thank God everyday that my friends tolerate my complex behind :)

2. I am blessed because I do what I love everyday. Although I may complain about how demanding my education and budding career may be, I don't bitch too loud. Everyday, I have an opportunity to directly impact the minds and health of hundreds of people. My passions are health promotion, fitness, food, and teaching, and I get to do all three on a daily basis. Just the other day, a student of mine came to me in tears because she was recently injured and couldn't participate in my class. Do you know how great it felt to be able to give her a hug, reassure her that she would pull through everything ok, and even arrange to have her injury assessed and treated by some of the best physical therapists in the area? I received an e-mail that she got a final verdict on the injury (badly sprained ACL), will be receiving an excellent rehab program, and she is no longer depressed about her situation, but empowered and determined to heal quickly.

Now THAT'S why I feel blessed. I was able to give this girl hope and turn a crappy situation into an optimistic one.

I wake up every morning and look forward to my job. That's a blessing.

3. I am blessed to be in good health. When I say health I mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I consider it a blessing to be able to exercise and move around everyday. I receive so much joy from movement and exercise, and I don't know what I would do if that was some day taken away from me. Although I have a nagging knee condition that restricts me from going too hardcore, it's slowly getting better and I'm confident that I will be 100% again. Mentally, I am blessed to have all of my faculties and not have the burden of mental illness unlike so many of my family members. Emotionally, I am blessed to have command of my emotions and have little fear or reservations about expressing them freely. Spiritually, I am divinely favored to have found faith in God. My faith in Him has gotten me through the hardest times in my life, and I'd be a fool not to consider that a blessing.

4. My family is a blessing. Okay, these negroes can be a straight HOT ASS MESS at times and work my reserve nerve but they are still a blessing. More than anything, my family keeps me grounded. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably be some stuck up, Uncle Tom, saddity, excessively bourgeosie Black man desperate to assimilate and acculturate to European-Anglo societal norms. Which could very easily happen considering how culturally dry and conservative many aspects of academia and health science can be.

Also, my family has taught me how to get ETHNIC at the drop of a hat if somebody attempts to severely disrespect me. I will turn ghetto in a hot minute if somebody crosses too far over the line, and I owe that almost entirely to my family.

5. My openness is a blessing. I have no problem sharing my past or present experiences with others. Ever since I cleaned out the last few skeletons in my closet, I can communicate with anybody about any aspect of my life without shame, insecurity, or fear.

This is not to be confused with being completely transparent. Sure, my personality has many layers and I have a facade just like everybody else. However, I can become transparent quite easily.

If a person respects who I am, is willing to be honest and forthright about their own life, and is willing to dedicate time to observe and listen, my life is an OPEN BOOK. And I LOVE THAT about myself. I want people to KNOW who I am, just like I want to know who they are.

Those were a few of the things on my list of blessed. In what ways do you feel blessed?

Have You Counted Your Blessings Lately?

2007-02-16T15:17:00.000-08:00

Have you ever just sat down and thought about your life, as a collective whole? Would you consider yourself BLESSED? Sometimes in the midst of all of our trivial and not so trivial dramas, daily challenges, grief, past heartaches, and chronic frustrations we forget to keep the GOOD things in our lives at the forefront of our minds. I am definitely guilty of this. When things are not going the way I WANT them to go, or different from how I FEEL they should go, I can be one pessimistic mofo. I'm learning how destructive dwelling on the negative can be, and how LIBERATING it is to just LET THAT GO and focus on something POSITIVE.

The events I experienced last weekend and throughout this week have encouraged me to focus more on what I consider my 'blessings'. When I think clearly about it, I can say that I am TRULY BLESSED.

Last weekend was one of the best weekends for me in months. After a long day of paying bills, chores, resolving family issues, and studying, I treated myself to a little fun. My collegue and friend Ricardo was hosting a 27th birthday party. I was given fair warning that his party are a MUST ATTEND event, so I was super juiced about going. Now I don't know how many of you out there have ever been to a REAL Latino party...but if you haven't you betta get with the program! Guaranteed good food, all the drinks you could want, and enough dancing make you sore the next morning...now that's what I'm talkin' about! Anyways, as I expected, the party surpassed my expectations. Ricardo and his family were so warm and inviting, spending time with each person at the party and taking shots and dancing with whomever was interested. Although my Latin dance skills are a bit suspect, I was still pulled on the dance floor and worked over until I was sweaty and parched.

I could rave on and on about other details, but I'll just skip to the relevant stuff. At one point during the party, Ricardo and his mother were seated along with a few of us that go to school together. I was touched by how close and loving they are to each other. Well they both were a bit tipsy but their display was hardly alcohol-driven. You could see the love there. Ms. Lopez went on to tell us about the struggle she and her husband had raising Ricardo and 2 other sons as immigrant workers. She expressed so much pride in her family and her son excelling in higher education. Ricardo countered by saying "there is no damn way I would have any of those degrees on the wall if I didn't my parents and my family. We all have NO OPTION but to work our asses off and rise to the top, because our parents worked so hard to even give us half a chance to have a better life." Those words really hit home for me. Ricardo then told his mother about how I recently lost my mother. This woman, whom I had met only one previous time, came over to me, brought me into her arms, and held me as if she were my own mother.

At that point, I just lost it. The swell of emotion in me crashed, and I lost it right there in front of everybody at the party. People I had never known before that night saw me at my weakest. Ricardo's entire immediate family, from his father to his girlfriend, came to me and consoled me. No questions asked, no weird looks, no disgusted faces, just an outpouring of sympathy and love.

And after i was done crying my eyes out, I took a shot with everybody and danced some cumbia ;). Good times.

The next day was 'family day'. After church, my sister and I managed to get a small gathering of our family together for sunday dinner and to celebrate my Dad's birthday. I wanted this day to be special, so I spoiled him with these FIERCE Kenneth Cole shoes, handmade candles, and a collection of about 15 of his favorite artists' albums (still in progress). The dinner was great, and it almost felt like old times again.

Those two events made me realize how good God has been to me. Since that weekend, I've been thinking of my blessings. I've found that creating this list lifts my spirits and makes even the shittiest of circumstances not so bad. I urge you all, especially those of you holding onto more negativity than you know is necessary, to count your blessings and make a list.

The list is soon to come...

Our Deepest Fear

2007-02-09T01:21:00.000-08:00

After I calmed down from my bad dream I thought watching a DVD would help me fall back asleep. I popped in "Akeelah and the Bee", a title I picked up on an impulse trip to Tar-get. It was such a GREAT movie, i ended up watching the whole thing. It was exactly the positive and affirming message I needed to move past my turbulent night of sleep.

As much as I found the entire plot and storyline enjoyable and relevant, one scene took the cake for me. Upon the urging of her new spelling coach, Dr. Larabee, Akeelah reads this quote, which sets the tone for the entire movie:

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are

powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We

ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who

are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the

world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel

insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make

manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in

everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence

automatically liberates others.”

Ms. Williamson's words help me face the doubt and insecurity I hold concerning my academic future and my growing responsibility within this family.

I found these words so powerful, they are posted on my wall. Everytime I wake up, I'll be reminded of the importance of affirming your greatness by embracing it and expecting success.

I hope this brilliant poem, along with "Akeelah and the Bee" finds its way into your homes and hearts.

Death returns....to haunt me.

2007-02-08T23:26:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday night I couldn't sleep. After a long day of classes, teaching, and training clients, I came home and promptly fell out on my bed, completely exhausted. At about 2 am, I woke up startled, shaken, and horribly upset. I started crying and I couldn't stop.

For the last few months I've had several of these bad dreams. For some reason, I keep replaying the last 4 days of my mother's life. Living through those days felt like a blur, but in these dreams they are replaying in SLOW MOTION. And it hurts...a lot.

I never thought in my wildest dreams I'd ever have to stare death in the eye, let alone with my own mother. The last time I saw my mother while she was responsive was on Friday, July 7th, 2006. It was about 6:00 am, and I was on my way to UCLA for my internship. By this point Mom was too tired to deal with keeping track of the bills, so I offered my help. That morning, she reviewed all of the bills and checks I wrote out, signing them when she was satisfied. I tell ya, she was about the business all the way until the end...Anyway, I remember jumping in the bed between her and my dad, giving her a hug and kiss, and telling her "I love you" and "Make sure you eat something good today". She responded with..."I love you too", and "i'll try to get something down". With that, I was off.

On that Friday, my mother was strong enough to sit up, pay some bills, read me the way only a black mother could, and kiss me goodbye.

At about 11 that morning, I started having another one of my 'eye headaches'. Ever since my senior year of high school, I have these irritating headaches whenever I'm stressed out or overworked. Refusing to ignore this episode, I head down to the Medical Center to get myself checked out. 8 hours in the ER later, I'm seen by a doctor and admitted to the hospital for observation and tests. I spent Friday Night in the hospital.

Bright and early Saturday morning I decide to call the house to check in. My dad answered the phone in HYSTERICS.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Jammie where are you! Your mama is not doing well! I helped her to the bathroom and she fell! When she was in there she fell again! Man I'm going crazy I can't deal with all this!!".

After having a mini-anxiety attack, I refocus and tell my dad to call our neighbor who happens to be a head nurse at County USC. He calms down, and I become the dispatcher. I call up all the brothers and sister to get their asses over there and stop playing games. I get a call from our neighbor, and she lets me know she had everything under control. I am relieved, but unsettled. I had to get the hell out of this hospital and QUICK.

I finally was released (all test negative) late Saturday afternoon. The doctors relate my symptoms to stress and tell me to "calm down". What a fucking joke that was. As I'm driving home, everything got eerily quiet. This has happened before, so I knew what was up. This is how God gets my attention. The message I received was "Get ready, and be strong". I drive up to my house. It looks as if there's a damn block party on my street with all the cars. "What the hell is going on?", I'm thinking. I walk in, and I see all my siblings, some aunts and nieces, a few cousins, the neighbors, and a nurse. I immediately start to tear up and ask "What is this?".

The nurse takes my hand and leads me to my brother's old room. In there, I find my Dad sobbing over this nearly lifeless shell of a woman. My mother. One of my best friends and source of strength. I walk forward, and almost faint from what I saw. Pale, still, skin warm and sweaty. Face screwed into a grimace. Breathing tubes, catheters, IV's. A desperate gasp for air every 10 seconds or so. This was my fucking MOTHER, Annie Mae Hopkins, a bad ass black woman from Pasadena, sitting here with both feet in the grave. I was two seconds away from a core meltdown before I remembered God's instructions. "Get ready, and be strong". I got myself together, and let God take over.

First were the instructions. The family had made a choice...Mom was in so much pain they decided to sedate her with coma-inducing morphine. Along with the IV drugs, a single pill of 'breakthrough' morphine every 4 hours to keep the sedation strong. No food allowed, only water. Food would easily choke her, and solid food would not digest anyway. The fan had to be left on at all times, or else she may overhead. She had to be turned every 2 hours to prevent bedsores. Every 30 minutes or so, a few drops of citrus juice to keep her mouth moist.

When people say death is a process, they are NOT lying. It IS. For the next 2 days, I saw my mother's vital signs gradually wittle away. Less and less natural breathing...it's a process of death, and the morphine depresses the respiratory system. Very little fidgeting and moving around...the body is conserving energy to support the vital organs. Intelligible whispers and moans slowly start to fade away to silence. Except when we attempt to turn her. When we lift her delicate head and limbs, she suddenly comes alive and winces and cries loud enough for people in the front room to hear. Her face twisted in a severe grimace tears my heart to shreds. But it must be done. She made me promise that we would all go the distance. And we did.

Monday, July 10th 2006. Noon. The breathing stops. Ventilator placed to 100%. The hospice nurses call the "palliative care team". They are the end of road. They come and do the rounds this day. Vitals, medication check, bathing, and new bedding, a family meeting, and they are off.

2pm. Susan, the social worker, visits. She was great. She broke down the entire process. The imminent signs of death. Who to call. How long it will take them to come. Do we want last rites assigned? The preparation of the body for removal from the house. "In many cases, seeing the body leave is worse than the actual death" she says. She was right.

4pm. Medication and a turn. I placed the tiny pill inside her cheek, where it would dissolve. A small portion of water goes in the mouth. Half of it spills out. A small inhilation turns into a slurp as the water and pills washes down. As we turn her, she fights us. We leave her be.

6:09pm. I'm on this very computer, typing an IM to Reginald I believe. My dad calls out to me in a mournful tone "Jammie, come in here. I think it's time". I rush into the room.

6:15pm. After saying my final goodbyes and gathering up my remaining strength, I put on my professional hat. Somebody needed to check the vitals one last time, and I was the one to do it. Breathing...nothing. Skin...cold and clammy. Shit. Pulse...nothing. Heartbeat...nothing. Response to pain...not a flinch. As I pull out my mini-flashlight, I pray there is something there. I open her eyes and shine the light. Looking back at me were two large brown pupils. Refusing to contract. Fixed and dilated.

6:21pm. I check everything again. Nothing. It's over. My dad utters the saddest, most desperate wail I've ever heard. I can still hear it. I never want to hear something like that again.

11:30. The funeral home arrives, ready to take my mother away. They remove the remaining hospital equipment. They delicately wrap her in a clean white sheet before pulling out a clear body bag. They offer their condolences before they leave. As the van door closes and they drive away, a ball of grief begins to swell within me. Five minutes later, I suffer a meltdown.

On five separate occasions i've suffered from flashbacks of one or several of these events over that 4 day period. I don't know what they mean, but I know for certain that I DON'T LIKE THEM.

This past Tuesday was different, though......

I should be writing my thesis proposal...

2007-02-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a minute since i last contributed to blogopia, but don't worry! I'm almost ready to resurface. My schedule has been BUSY since the semester started, and I should be back in commission and acclimated to this hot mess of a schedule by Wednesday. Just so you all know, all is well, my spirits are HIGH, and I'm takin' care of business!

But before I go...i just gotta put this out there...

I'm listening to Justin Timberlake's newest album, FutureSex/LoveSounds. I had the opportunity to see him in concert a few weeks back, and was pleasantly surprised by his musicianship and showmanship.

After experiencing Justin live, and now finally settling down to listen to his latest creation, I can't help but say...this is about the GAYEST album I've ever listened to. From "Summer Love" to "SexyBack"(ohh lawd ESPECIALLY SexyBack), I keep hearing in the back of my head Wendy Williams chanting an oh so clever "HOW UUUU DOIN??" Every time I hear Sexy Back, I want dip, twirl, and do a runway walk ballroom rockstar style :) And EVERY TIME I hear something from this album played at a gathering or club, the KIDS queen out and act a plumb fool!

Now I won't make any claims or accusations of JT's sexuality (like it really matters), but I must say he was definitely giving it to the children on this one! Every time I hear "girl" uttered, it makes me wanna giggle and say "boy please!"

Needless to say, I LOVE the CD, in all of its gay-lite delight! GO IN JUSTIN, LET HAVE!

2007: Building Foundations

2007-01-13T02:04:00.000-08:00

Okay...I've just recently come out of my seasonal "period of reflection". Ever so often I'll sit myself down, withdraw from everything (and unfortunately everyone) in my periphery, and brood. I use these times to think out loud, organize my thoughts, pray, reconnect with "me", and formulate a battle plan for the future.

2006 was a very INTENSE year for me. I knew going in it would be crazy, but I never would have imagined the year would be so...so....volatile. I can honestly say that 2006 pushed me farther emotionally, spiritually, socially, and intellectually than I have ever been before. Of course, the journey has strengthened me in those areas, however I walk away from 2006 feeling disconnected in a way. So many things have changed, it feels as if I stand in the aftermath of a tsunami. It's a weird feeling.

I'm thinkin 2007 will be the year to build or re-build several foundations in my life that have been compromised, altered, or thrashed by the tsunami of 06. I'm a true believer in the power behind having a strong, stable foundation to live on...you have too much to lose if you don't have solid ground to stand on before you put in some serious work. So yes, it's time to build some foundations baby!!!

Let's start this off with the foundation of FAMILY....

OHH LAWD 2006 had me fucked up as far as family is concerned. The death of my mother DRASTICALLY changed the dynamic of our family. You see, on both sides of the family we have this thing I like to call the "Matriarch Complex". Every generation, there is always one person that serves as the glue that holds the family together. Family reunions, holidays, birthdays, weddings...this person coordinates all that stuff. Everybody in the family looks to this 'matriarch' to handle all the family details, serve as the peacemaker, offer guidance when their shit goes awry, and unload responsibility upon when things get 'too hard'.

Now, once the matriarch passes away (and the scary thing is that the last 3 matriarchs didn't live past 60...a coincedence?) all hell will break loose in the family until somebody steps up to become the new Matriarch (or patriarch in my case). And the cycle continues. Now I've known since grade school that I've been groomed to become the next leader of the family. My parents made it very clear that I was the "one". I was the one that stayed out of trouble, had common sense, went to college, blah blah blah. They invested time and money to develop my skills, dare I say more so than the rest of my siblings. I accepted the responsibility early on, feeling obligated to reciprocate for all the support my parents offered me.

I thought I knew what I was getting into....shieettt! I never would have thought all these negroes up in my family line would act so damn trifling and irresponsible once the shit hit the fan. At the present moment, I find myself having to deal with a grieving father on a daily basis, handling the business of not one but two households, serving as a legal conservator for my schizophrenic aunt, and co-coordinating the effort to sell my grandmother's house. I'm starting to think this whole "Patriarch" shit is for the birds. Who the hell finds themselves as a "Big Momma" (Poppa) at age 25? I don't think I have what it takes to be the sole H.N.I.C., so I gotta find a solution.

The first family FOUNDATION will be to establish healthy boundaries between my personal life and family obligations. I don't mind being the representative for the family, but I'll be damned if I do all the work behind it when there are able bodied, grown ass adults that can pitch in. In 2007, I'll focus on organizing all of the details, dragging folks out of the shadows, and appointing them to handle a piece of the puzzle. If they don't feel comfortable with their role, I'll work with them until they get it. My sister has already stepped up to the plate, which has been great. Now I gotta work on my father and brothers...lawd help me.

The second FOUNDATION will be a physical separation from the family. It is pretty clear that I CANNOT live in close proximity to everybody. Right now I live at home with my father, and I am way too accessible. I've committed to staying in house until June, at which point I'm movin my ass to my own apartment in Los Angeles. I need my own life, my own living space, and a TRANQUIL living environment...especially if I'm expected to handle all this family ish without shooting somebody or resulting to the crack for escape.

Up next...the SOCIAL foundation.

When the Venom rises

2007-01-04T13:58:00.001-08:00

For some reason, I've been hung up on dating and relationships lately. Maybe it's the fact that an overwhelming majority of my close friends are either in a committed relationship, engaged, or married...i couldn't tell you. Regardless, I've been thinking a lot about where I stand romantically, and I've been reminiscing over my love life this past year. 2006 was the year I started truly coming into my own as a black gay man, and it's been a rough time dealing with men in the romantic sense.

I've learned a lot this year about how this whole dating thing works, and frankly...i'm starting to become a little jaded. I easily rolled the hot messes, idiots, and straight up assholes I've entertained this past year...been there, done that, never again. However, the one guy I had strong feelings for...I still haven't gotten over that shit. I hate to admit it, but that whole experience has left me hurt and afflicted. I guess I masked my feelings and reactions as a defense mechanism when we initially stopped seeing each other, but ohh boy those emotions I choked down are starting to bubble to the surface. In an effort to be the "bigger man" and turn the other cheek, I shortchanged myself emotionally. Now I'm dealing with some serious backlash, and I'm having a hard time channeling it.

To sum it all up, I met somebody whom I thought was exactly what I was looking for...intelligent, attractive, ambitious, talented, and amiable. We hit it off, formed a bond, and started seeing a lot of each other. Very early in the 'relationship' a challenged presented itself, but we agreed to stay together and try to develop what we had. Six weeks later, we reunited, and the shit hit the fan. I got hit with something totally out of left field, and by the end of my trip, we called it off.

To clarify, I don't feel hurt because the relationship didn't work out. It was a very accelerated courtship, it was my first gay relationship, and we where presented with a host of challenges from jump. Basically, it was a long shot at best. What hurts the most is that I feel like I was completely SHORTCHANGED. It hurt then, but now it PISSES ME OFF like nobody's business. I gave my time, emotions, energy, strength, body, and finances to that relationship for it to all blow up in my face. I honestly feel like I was played the fool, toyed with emotionally, lied to, and then humiliated when it all ended. I never really got closure on the whole experience, and I'm now allowing myself to feel the VENOM. I know that I've accumulated some baggage from this relationship, and that PISSES ME OFF even more...that I let something so short-lived get to me.

Just thinking about how generous I was to this man, without even demanding reciprocity, upsets me. Just thinking about how I looked forward to his company or conversation after a hard and challenging day upsets me. Thinking about how I selflessly became emotionally available to his needs even at a time when I was facing one of the most emotionally and mentally traumatic moments of my life, infuriates me. Thinking about how I went out of my way to make our "first time" a moment to remember pisses me off. Recalling how excited I was making those preparations angers me. Remembering how much pleasure I felt from being able to please him also makes me mad. When we were faced with our challenge, I took it all in stride and did what I was felt was necessary to make HIS transition a smooth one.

But ohh boy, what really gets me livid is how it all came to an end. How I dropped everything I had on my plate...my classes, my work schedule, time with friends and family, to take a "vacation" to reunite with him and resume our relationship in person. How I invested time and money I didn't really have just to spend quality time with my man. How I counted the days in anticipation of us seeing each other again. How I sat in nervous delight while on the plane. And when I arrived and we were reunited, I was greeted with...ambivalence...hesitancy...lack of emotion...a half-assed hug. When I settled into where I stayed for the trip, I heard the crickets...awkward silences. I almost felt like an unwanted guest. I could go on, but I'd just be doing overkill and the details just piss me off even further. After 2 days of neglect, we had 'the talk'. I'm getting mixed signals, and I wanna know what the hell is going on. I tell him where I stand, and I ask him where he stands. I ask for honesty and directness. He gives it to me.

The verdict...the challenges we faced were becoming a bit too much to handle, his heart was not in it anymore, and he wanted to break up. That's understandable. Here's the KICKER...he knew this at least a week before I arrived. WTF!!! and OUCH.

If anything, all I ever asked for was honesty, integrity, and respect. I wasn't keeping a tally on who was reciprocating what...i didn't have to be the center of attention. All I asked was that my efforts and affections be recognized, and that they not be taken advantage of or slighted...the ball is in your court concerning how you respond to what i'm throwing out. I get played for a damn fool for my efforts. AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT.

I don't hate the person I was with...at all. In all honesty, I think he's a great person and I am excited for what he is going to bring to the world. I'm still a fan of his work. What I hate is how he handled me. The way this went down was FUCKED UP and FOUL, and I feel like I got played. Maybe it was my own fault...for giving too much of myself to somebody who couldn't respect what I was giving. Maybe I was the fool for just expecting some level of reciprocity and not outright demanding it. Maybe I let my emotions get ahead of my logical thinking? Who the hell knows..all I do know is that I've had some time to process everything and I'm still MAD AS HELL ABOUT IT. Mad that I feel like I was disrespected, and mad that I can't just let it go and move on like everything is peachy.

Now that I've expressed that I'm pissed, I'm not sure what to do with this energy. Besides venting to friends and my journal, I've done nothing to channel my resentment. I'm worried because if I internalize this, I will become an evil bitch, accumulate more baggage, and do or say something scandalous. I'm not one for shade, sabotage, or trickery (those are Trent's words, not mind), but if I get done the wrong way and I dont let it go, I can be that person.

Hopefully I'll think of something...because I need to be done with this so I can focus on the more positive things in my life and not dwell on something so not worth my energy. Okay, I'm done for now.

Sorry I had to air my dirty laundry, but I don't give a f**k. This is my space, and I had some shit to say. Any advice is much appreciated.

The Scorpio Syndrome

2006-12-29T16:15:00.000-08:00

As much as I enjoy who I am as a person, sometimes I HATE being a SCORPIO. Sometimes the depth of character, intensity, and the sexual energy we Scorpios exude is a BURDEN to deal with. Allow me to explain...

I'm at a point in my life where I am seeing a clear picture of the person I'd like to become and the path I wish to follow. I take pride in the fact that I am kind, generous, dedicated, giving, humorous, very friendly and amiable, faithful, and affectionate. I love to give to others not because I expect something in return...something in my spirit drives me to do such. I treat people, even strangers, with the upmost dignity because too many people in the world treat others like shit and I'd like to be treated with dignity and respect. I have a tendency to be touchy because I'm naturally a tactile person and I believe that people (especially Black folks) need more casual touches, kisses, and hugs...that machismo crap is for the birds in my eyes. I become very focused on my goals because I understand that nothing substancial is given to you without some effort. Even though I'm serious about life, I enjoy crackin jokes, laughing my ass off, and acting a hot mess when it's play time...life is too damn short to be all stiff and stoic. I love being a 'nice guy', and wouldn't have it any other way.

When it comes to dating, men, and relationships, I offer all of these qualities. Unfortunately, something is getting lost in the equation or misunderstood. Although I consider myself a "catch", I rarely attract the men I want to catch me (or the ones I want to catch). I attribute some of this problem to what I call the "Scorpio Syndrome". Scorpios are notorious for being flirtatious, sexual, and magnetic. These qualities are all good, but unfortunately those of us that possess these qualities give off the wrong vibe....well what I consider the wrong vibe. Instead of the "I am a beautiful person with much to offer you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually", vibe I'd LIKE to send out, I seem to be giving off this "I'm hot in the ass I want to fuck without abandon" vibe. Where the hell is this coming from?

Don't get me wrong. I am very much aware of my sexuality and I love it. I love affection, and the though of sex really gets me going. However, that is not all that I desire....or is it the strongest desire I have. What I yearn more than anything is what a good friend of mine calls a "MIND, BODY, & SOUL F**K". Maybe it's my feminine side talking, but I desire, sometimes even fantasize, that a man will come into my life and stimulate my intellect, connect with my spirit and faith, and treat my body with as much respect and honor as I wish to offer his body. If all of those areas are covered, sex and passion wouldn't be an issue...i'd give it to that man so good he wouldn't even know what to do with himself. I would hold NOTHING back sexually, because there would be no point.

Now I'm sure there are men out there that can give me a mind-body-soul fuck...my question is...WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?? I'm doing my best to hold on to my integrity and keep from having sex just to satisfy my urges, but this shit is getting TOUGH. Most of the sex I've had (which hasn't been much at all) has been satisfying, but so very empty and shallow. I just can't let myself go all the way if I feel nothing for a man...I'm way too guarded to allow myself to be that vulnerable and i feel guilty afterwards.

I'd much rather have a man look me in the eye and I see lust AND admiration, take his time to set the mood for lovin, share some serious intimacy and foreplay before we go at it like rabbits in heat, fall asleep in each other's arms totally exhausted, wake up in the morning to some more intimacy or even Round Two, take a hot shower together, then eat a good meal before we go on with our days. Is that so much to ask if I'm willing to open up my mind, body, spirit, and potentially my heart for this man?

I may be asking for something unattainable, but damnit that's what I desire. Are they any men out there willing to bare their souls to a good man?

I hope so, because my resolve is slowly slipping. I hate the idea of pursuing shallow sexual encounters, but my desire to hold and be held is becoming so strong I might just go there. Hopefully someone will come along before I release the "Scorpio". Will the real men please stand up? Because I'm searching for you.

I apologize if that was one big ass RAMBLE, but I had to get that out.

"Still Looking For The Right One?"

2006-12-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

This past Tuesday, I had the opportunity to sit in on a dynamic workshop on the state of black gay men seeking relationships. The workshop was hosted through In the Meantime Men (ITM), a L.A. based men's support and empowerment group for gay SGL men and their allies.

The facilitator for this discussion was Dr. Roger Quinney, a licensed clinical social worker, psychological counselor, retired Unity Fellowship Church Reverend, and Ph.D. Candidate. Dr. Roger presented himself as a sharp, down to earth, well informed brotha who actually gives a damn about the mental health and wellness of gay black men. There are VERY FEW psychologists that target gay black men, so it was a real treat to have him present for us. And let me tell you, he brought it for the kids, young and old. This workshop was informative, engaging, and at several moments a HOT ASS MESS. Quite a few of the men in the group were KILLING it with their crazy ass comments and messy commentary...TREMENDOUS ENTERTAINMENT VALUE. I wish I had a video or tape recorder to capture some of dramatics that went down. Well hell, what do you expect? When black gay men talk about sex and relationships, you can guarantee things are gonna get SERIOUS. And they did.

Although I was much entertained by the personal accounts and cunty arguments that ensued, I left the workshop with some very useful information. Here are a few bits of material from the workshop that Dr. Roger printed for us. If you are at a point (like me) where you are looking for the "right one", I hope this material is useful.

Also, Dr. Quinney maintains a private practice in Los Angeles for you brothas and sistas out there that may need the support of a professional. Here's some contact info:

Roger Quinney, L.C.S.W.
Quinney & Associates
Counseling and Counseling Firm
(323) 271-7997
http://quinneyassociates.com/
rogerquinney@yahoo.com

Don't sleep on counseling! I'm seeing a counselor myself, and I highly recommend EVERYBODY see one at least once or twice. With that being said, ENJOY the material!

WHERE IS HE? "STILL LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE"

The challenges of same gender loving people are often the need for companionship, or that special person in your life. The barrier is often defining the relationships and what you are really looking for in a person.

Where is he?

The statement "Where is he?" is your own perception of reality. The perfect person is generally in your head but the realities are based upon your behaviours and interactions with others.

Where is he?

You generally find that Black men are seeking other Black men that are physically attractive, intelligent, sensitive, stable, responsible, and lastly reliable. Is this a reality or a fantasy?

Where is he?

Ok, let's take a look at your own personal life experiences and reflect on them. What was your childhood like (i.e. relationships with parents, brothers, and sisters, etc.)? When did you become aware of your sexual orientation or sexual preferences (rule out any sexual abuse that may have occured). The key factor you must have before you can share your life with another person is you must know who you are as a person. Why is this?

Now that the matter of who you are is hopefully cleared up or a work in progress, let us take a look at all of the men who have come and gone in your life. What was the key factor for involving yourself in these relationships? Mutual physical attraction? Sex? Attention? Career advancement? Affection? Did you date before you had sex, or did you have sex and then tried to date? It is important to consider the sex roles you have played in these relationships and how it felt for you (top, bottom, versatile). Also consider the HIV/STI status of yourself, or your previous partners. Did this have an affect on your relationship? Did you live together with your partners? Who was responsible for the finances, cooking, and taking care of the home?

Where is he?

Let us always be mindful that the key to any relationship is COMMUNICATION. That is, to listen, share, and observe the behaviors of your potential partner. Unfortunately, one of the barriers in SGL relationships is COMMITMENT. Is the concept of monogamy a challenge for SGL people? It has been my experience that this concept of being monogamous is a learned behavior, which is often developed by having single, heterosexual people as the ideal model. Is this appropriate? Are there any good examples of committed, long-term SGL couples to be used as the model instead?

Where is he?

We must understand the person we seek is often a fantasy that be conjured up in our minds as the 'man of our dreams' without considering the faults and flaws we all carry. Therefore, we must always reach out to others and be friendly to one another regardless of if he/she does not meet your expectations. You never know...that initial 'frog' in your life may be your knight in shining armor.

DR. QUINNEY'S WORDS OF WISDOM: IF A MAN WANTS YOU

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If a man doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's just not meant to be.

Slower is BETTER.

Never live your life for a man before you find what truly makes you happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating your as you deserve to be treated, then HELL NO, you can't "be friends". A 'friend' wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle for mediocrity. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Do not stay because you think "it will get better". You will be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is YOU!

Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women or men. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, so why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from your man's.

Maintain boundaries concerning how a man treats you. If you don't let your boundaries be know, you give him free reign to walk all over you.

If something bothers you...SPEAK UP! Men are notorious for being unable to read minds.

Never let a man know EVERYTHING about you too early. He may decide to use that vulnerability against you later.

You cannot CHANGE a man's behavior. This kind of change comes from within.

Don't ever let a man feel he is more important than you...even if has more materially than you. You have more to offer than materialism...your time, you patience, your listening, and your sharing of your heart.

If a man is always "too busy", it's time to MOVE ON! He just isn't into you. Just like we said earlier, if a man wants you, nothing will keep him away. If he is really into you he will MAKE time for you.

OK THATS IT FOLKS! Good luck with finding "the one". He or she is out there, but don't discount who you are as a beautiful person just to satisfy the needs or wants of somebody else. The way I see it, the partner for you will BUILD you up and make you a BETTER person, not tear you down or downplay your mental/physical/spiritual/emotional growth. But hey, that's just me.

Do you have any thoughts about finding "The Right One"?

The L.A. Blacks were OUT!

2006-12-07T22:49:00.000-08:00

Several weekends ago, I had the great pleasure of spending some quality time with fellow bloggers TheBlacks, Freddy Smith, Trent, and a guest by the name of Joe for a day of BEAUTIFUL weather, brilliant LGBT cinema, a lively panel, some DE-LIC-IOUS food, the L.A. version of Noah's Arc meets "The View" (y'all fools betta RECOGNIZE), and delightfully messy black gay hijinx. I haven't kicked it all day like that in a while with anybody, so it was a great pleasure to spend the day in such awesome company.

We started off the day at Barnsdall Arts Theatre (which was surprisingly picturesque) to show our support for FUSION: OUTFEST Los Angeles, an independent film and documentary showcase featuring the works of highly-talented LGBT creative artists of Color.

After the showcase, we were treated to a lively debate/panel discussion involving gay marriage, the power of mentorship, and the state of the Black Gay community in Los Angeles. The L.A. Blacks and I got a kick outta some of the shade being thrown out on the sly...i tell ya, the kids can be a mess! even when being tactful...

Departing the theatre, we proceeded to wander aimlessly for about 20 minutes trying to find a place to eat. Don't get it twisted...it was not cute. We were all hungry as HELL, and our navigator was playing games...he almost made me come out my backback... We finally decided on Alcove, a cute lil cafe spot in Los Feliz. After laughing our asses off to the ridiculously icy "i wanna beat your ass!" glares Fred was throwing our guest for getting us all lost and extra hungry, we settled in for a nice lil' lunch that turned into a full scale afternoon affair (complete with coffee and dessert! we were being very homosexual that day, lol). It felt good having real conversation with other upwardly mobile black gay men without the pretense of a hook-up or whatever. We were even able to get a little deep, which is very rare for me with people i don't know.
Good times had by all, especially our 'guest'. Now THAT dude was too much, and he had it in for Trent! I think the 'read' total was about 10 or 11? Thank god Trent was being nice...i could feel the retaliation in the air, LOL.

So yeah, it was good finally getting out and connecting with some real brothas. Kudos to the artists at Fusion for holdin it down, and the staff at Alcove for dealing with 5 out of order negroes :).

Giving thanks with a heavy heart...until Tamia came along!

2006-11-23T19:44:00.000-08:00

Today has been pretty strange for me. This is the first major holiday I've had without my mother...and I am definitely feeling it. Even if our house doesn't host Thanksgiving, there is always a palpable energy around the house....anticipation of the after-thanksgiving sales...visits from random neighbors and family members...baking of cakes and pies for various family members...the introduction of the infamous lay-you-on-your-ass egg nog...the building of the x-mas tree... always something going on. However, this year our house is eerily quiet. No scrumptious food, no loud ghetto banter over spades games, no dancing contests, no homemade corn bread...nothing.

My mother owned the holidays around here, and with her not here it just doesn't feel the same. We (meaning my immediate family) didn't even do anything this year...just hung around the house and vegged out. Without my mom planning the Thanksgiving festivities, nothing went down. It's like nobody even feels like celebrating. Sigh.

I thought it would be fun to reminisce by breaking out some old Thanksgiving videotapes...BIG MISTAKE. I could only stand to watch about 5 minutes before I got too emotional and my dad had to turn it off. So much love and warmth came from those tapes...everybody laughing and acting a mess...seeing the ridiculous spread of food my mom prepared...a capture of my mom cuttin' up and trying to learn the latest "booty dances"...the wide shot of everybody laid out after the 'itis' kicked in....it was all too much for me.

Everybody says the grieving process hits the hardest during the holidays...I think they may be right. I hope that Christmas and New Years will get better, because I don't like feeling this way. I'll have to pray on that.

I went out with my brother to a restaurant for dinner. My dad didn't want to go so he stayed at home. My mother is probably rolling in her grave knowing we weren't chin deep in somebody's turkey and corn bread dressing....sorry Mom, just wasn't feeling it today.

I had a nice surprise when I returned home. I received an e-mail from a fellow blogger, theBlacks. I opened it to find a link to a Tamia interview held by The Steve Harvey Morning show.

Listening to Tamia's RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL VOICE has put me in a good mood. Lord, I swear it takes some talent to be able to KILL IT OVER THE RADIO!!!! Not only did she tear it up on her own tracks, she had the NERVE to take an Anita Baker classic and kill that as well! Don't believe me? Listen for yourself:

TAMIA KILLIN' THE TRACK

Beyonce, Keyshia Cole, Christina, Jojo, and all the rest of the young "divas" out there...i'm gonna need to you to sit it down real quick, pick up a pen and paper, take some notes, and witness how it's really supposed to be done! Until you can just bust out like that with no digital assistance, keep studying!

Just like that, I've purchased Tamia's new CD and have dusted off her old CD's for my listening pleasure. Damn, Grant Hill is a lucky man. If I had a (man) to come home to that could sing like that....we'd both have to work from home cuz' there would be no leaving the house, LOL!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! If you are surrounded with family and friends, toss up a prayer of thanks and praise. If you are also dealing with the loss of a loved one this holiday feeling, toss up a blessing as well and know that you aren't alone.

And support a sista that can SANG from the POO-NAAN-NEE and buy Tamia's new CD! That song they dropped on the waves is SOOO not the #1 song on the album...trust.

Ward Connerly is a DAMN FOOL...and this proves it

2006-11-18T07:21:00.000-08:00

While at my internship site yesterday, I picked up a copy of UCLA Magazine to read up on what's new on campus. The lead story highlighted the RIDICULOUS racial disparity of black students admitted over the last 8 years. There has been uproar throughout the University of California system concerning Black student retention, and UCLA is in many areas doing the worse.

For example, this past fall quarter, out of an estimated 4,900 new freshmen class, only 96 were Black or of African American descent. 96!!!!!! And this is Los Angeles people, arguably the most diverse metropolitan geographic area in the WORLD! And believe me, from my experience walking that campus, it shows.

When I read about the ongoing "crisis" of UCLA admissions policy and the effort to actively recruit Black students, it makes my blood boil. I remember when this whole madness started...the year Prop 209 was passed. I was a senior in high school, eagerly awaiting my journey to UC Davis. I was in the first class of students in the post-Prop 209 era, Class of 1999. From beginning to end, I saw with my own eyes the subtle but noticeable fading away of Blackness on campus...the relentless slashing of ethnic minority retention program designed to keep Black students performing at a competitive level...the damn near disappearance of Black Greek life...the loss of the historical African Diaspora House...a diminishing morale amongst Black students...the SERIOUS disappearance of Black faculty and staff... SO MANY areas were affected by the ending of affirmative action policies in the UC system.

I wish I could just sit down and talk with the brainchild of Prop. 209, former UC Regent Ward Connerly. In case you're wondering, this dude is not some stiff-shirted hyperconservative salt n pepper haired White guy...no, he's A BROTHA. I'd like to take him on a tour to all the UC campuses and have him take a long look at the absence of Blackness. I'd want to show him a list of all the special programs cut due to his lovely creation. I'd defintely have him interview with the myriad of BRIGHT and SUCCESSFUL men and women who were given a shot due to affirmative action programs. We'd definitely visit a handful of public schools in LA and show him the students that will likely fall through the admissions process because of their circumstances, despite their abilities. And after we do all that, I'd have him check out the minority admissions rates of the Top 3 Ivy League schools in the nation; Princeton, Harvard, and Yale. He would be blind not to see that these schools, which historically have presented barriers to admission for minority students, still manage to put the minority admissions rates of the UC system TO SHAME.

After Mr. Connerly has had a chance to see and hear all of these things, I'd put him in a room for a little bit so he could think about the consequences of his beloved Proposition 209. Then, I'd take my arm, reach back, SLAP THE HELL OUT OF HIS DUMB AZZ, take him by the shoulders, SHAKE HIM a bit, then ask him, in a not-so-timid tone, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!!!!???"

Alas, there is light at the end of the tunnel. In an effort to save face, UCLA has launched a crusade to "figure out" the admissions problem and pound the pavement to find Black students capable of surviving the admissions process.

I've been very impressed by the efforts of Dr. Darnell Hunt and the Ralphe J. Bunche Center of African American Studies for their committment to improving the status of Black and ethnic minority students at UCLA. I may even join their think tank when I start my doctoral program there, because I'm itching to actively speak out on this.

For those of you out there affiliated with or attending a university, PLEASE be a part of the solution. And if you happen to run across Ward Connerly (or other like minded folks), please sit his ass down and educate his behind!

One more week...ugh

2006-11-14T03:33:00.000-08:00

It's 3:25 am and I'm feverishly completing a paper that was deadlined YESTERDAY. Sigh...the life of a grad student.

I had a hell of a birthday weekend, which is why I'm scrabbling now. As much as I hate not following through with work before fun, I gotta admit the festivities, tombfoolery, and dramatics of this weekend were WORTH me being a little sleep deprived now. Because BABEEE after I finish this paper up and work my way through this week, I'M DONE! (for a week at least).

So yeah, pray for a brotha until then. I'll be posting on my 25TH BIRTHDAY moments, life as a "saved Scorpio", and other juicy tidbits as soon I get this damn beast off of my desk and into my professor's hands. HOLLA!

Help with Blogger?!!!

2006-11-04T18:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I think I'm finally getting my Blogging mojo back....wooohoo!!! Anyways, I need some help if anybody's out there. I want to liven up this space, but my Blogger IQ is like 2.7 right now :(

I have questions!!

1. I have a few audio/mp3 files I want to post. How do I do that?

2. I've seen a few folks with links to their Flickr page on their blogs...how do I do that?

3. Is there any way I can widen the display so that the text in my page isn't confined to just 1/3 of the page?

4. Random computer/hardware question. Any one know of a good Macbook compatible portable microphone I could use? I'm having to conduct a lot of interviews for my master's project, and I'm thinking of dabbling in some sort of podcasting for personal and professional purposes. A friend of mine mentioned the iRiver, but I'm having trouble finding one. Suggestions?

5. I want to do funky stuff with fonts, colors, and other stuff for the text. Are there any magic buttons I need to push? Cuz I can't find them.

Any help you can provide would be MUCH appreciated. I hope all of you are well and thriving. HOLLER BACK!

Some of My Best Friends...???

2006-11-04T18:12:00.000-08:00

A long time friend of mine offered me a book to read; Emily Bernard's "Some of My Best Friends: Writings on Interracial Friendships". I finally got around to opening it up, and the book's contents have really hit home for me.

You see, I was raised in a working class, racially mixed neighborhood. In high school, the crowd I associated with was also very multicultural. In fact, my close H.S. friends and I gained the title "Rainbow Coalition" because we were so ethnically mixed. Imagine a black guy and girl, a hot mess of a Nigerian girl, a self proclaimed "Thai princess", a seethingly blunt Chinese girl, a mixed white/Filipino guy with an affinity for hard alternative music (booo!), and a crazy lil' filipina all running in the same circle. Man, we would crack up at all the attention we got while in public. Wake up people, this aint 1955 and we ain't in the Deep South!

The high school crew:

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

Sure, we (and our extended network of friends aka. the 'smart' kids) all took more than enough shit from our respective ethnic communities for not being "down" enough, but we didn't give a damn about others' perceptions. We were friends, down for each other, and destined for success. I always though of my multicultural friends as a huge blessing...I grew a much stronger sensitivity to others, learned real quick not to make snap judgments of other ethnic groups, and I appreciate my blackness and Black culture even more having been exposed to other cultures.

As I headed off to UC Davis, I kept that sense of multiculturalism close to my heart. When I arrived on campus, I found myself ethnically isolated in not one, but two ways. First of all, there were hardly any Black folks on campus, especially brothas. Second, the existing Black community was happily segregated and out of reach. Although I was making friends and acquaintances with the White, Asian, Indian, and other folks, I felt something was missing not having a bond with the Black and Latino community.

It took two full years to form some kind of connection to the at-large Black community on campus. And when I did, I felt as if I were enduring an internal tug-of-war match. On one side I had the Black community I had been yearning for, which did not look too kindly of me associating so extensively with the "others". On the other side, I had the network of Non-black friends who I'd grown to love and appreciate despite our ethnic differences, but were clueless to my struggle as a young black man in America. I was indeed "sittin on the fence". I couldn't make up my mind which way to go....I felt such a strong connection to my fellow Black folks, but I couldn't fathom the thought of forsaking the friends who accepted me as I was. In the end, I decided to just DO ME, and BRUSH THE HATERS OFF. And wouldn't you know it, I gained the respect of the open minded black folks, maintained the other friendships that were open to learning about the Black experience, and got written off by the others. Whatever. Even though I found peace within my friendships and acquaintances, there was still this invisible line that separated the two groups, which really bothered me.

The Homies from Cow-Town (UC Davis):

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

I bring this up because I feel the same thing happening again, but with different circumstances. Now, there seems to be a growing separation between my gay/SGL and heterosexual social networks. Up until about 2 years ago, an overwhelming majority of the people I socialized with were heterosexual (or I assumed were). Now that I'm settling into my identity as an 'out' black gay male, I have a yearning to form bonds with gay folks, particularly black gay men.

As I become more involved in connecting to the gay community, I feel some of my old friendships slipping by the wayside. One of my best friends, Nan, actually put me on blast about this a few weeks ago. It's not that I don't love them any less, it's just that being black and gay presents a very complicated set of challenges and circumstances that many folks who aren't black and gay can understand. My straight friends, for the most part, are accepting of my sexuality, but don't seem to be open to knowing more about the experience. Again, the damn tug-of-war...and my behind is getting tired from sitting on this sharp ass fence.

Can a happy medium be made here? Or is this something that will always be present if I decide to associate with both heterosexuals and SGL folks? I hate having to divide my social time between the two.

Do any of struggle with "sittin on the fence" in some capacity?

Can y'all help me get off this damn fence?

***By the way, for those who don't know, SGL means "same gender loving"***

America's Next Top Hot Mess!

2006-11-02T08:04:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine forwarded these pictures to me. Even though Tichina and Tisha are DEAD WRONG for going there, the ish is still funny as hell!!!

No offense to any of you die hard America's Next Top Model fans out there. Hell, you know it's funny!

Have a great day! :)

Why am I doing all this?

2006-10-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

As many of you have noticed, I haven't been posting very often lately. I've had every intention to, but my life has been a true rollercoaster ride lately. In many ways, I feel that I'm just along for the ride, having little control of things around me. Fortunately, things are finally starting to calm down (THANK YOU JESUS!) so I'm returning to a more normal schedule.

Throughout these trials and challenges, I've often had to take a time out and ask myself "Why am I doing all this?". Why am I so hell-bent on pursuing my education? Why am I more concerned with making a positive impact in the community than making six figures and livin large? Why do I often drop my quality time for the sake of keeping stability in my family? Why am I considered "the strong one" when I feel so helpless and lost at times? Why do folks in my family automatically assume I've got it together and can help them? Why does my life feel so segmented and segregated right now? Is it my fault that it's this way? Why can't I just say "screw you all", disregard my responsibilities, and live life completely for myself? Why do I feel like I'm living the life and responsibilities of a 40 year old at age 24?

These questions have constantly surfaced these past few months. When they surface, I pray and reflect on my past for answers.
Thinking about my past, and what I've had the pleasure (and displeasure) of experiencing in my short life, gives me the strength to move on and do big things. Here are a few of my motivating factors:

1. Finishing my undergraduate degree

I can honestly say that one of the most important days of my life was when I graduated from the University of California, Davis with my bachelor's in Exercise Science. I was the first of my lineage to walk across that stage, and believe me it was a STRUGGLE. In college is where I learned what being a responsible, honorable, and goal-oriented man is all about. Despite the struggles and trials I endured (and OHHWWEE i had quite a few), I'd never give a single day of my college experience back. I learned the true meaning of "digging deep". I am so much of a better person because of the life lessons college forced me to experience.

My graduation weekend (had 3 graduations) was so many things...the first time much of my family stepped foot on a university campus, the first time my entire family got to see where I spent 5 years of my life, the first time more than 10 black people congregated on the UC Davis campus and the police weren't called :) Above all else, it was a turning point. At that moment, I realized that I was CHOSEN to do great things. Having my ENTIRE immediate family and best of friends showing me the most absolute love solidified this for me. I have been blessed to do great things, and it is my duty to live up to my purpose. Too many people and too many circumstances are riding on my success to make me want to say "screw it all". Too many people have sacrificed time and energy, done without luxury, and struggled financially for me to half-ass my potential. I work my hardest not only for myself, but for the people who have worked their hardest to support my efforts.

2. I've seen and heard too much to want to settle for mediocrity.

Again, I've been blessed with so many experiences that have had a profound impact on how I think about things. Despite the fact I never have been "privileged" by our country's standards, I've had an opportunity to see the world, had a chance to connect and learn from some of the brilliant and influential minds of our age, and been exposed to so many positive, uplifting environments.

One of my dreams was realized at age 13 when I was selected as a student ambassador to Australia as a People to People Student Ambassador. Wanting to travel the world was a pretty bold statement for a young man of my means, but the fortune of being hand-picked for such a prestigious opportunity, coupled with the utmost support and encouragement of my parents (it took my parents 5 YEARS to pay for me go overseas, y'all), allowed my dream to become a reality.

That trip overseas did more for me than I could ever imagine. On the positive side, People to People allowed me the chance to see what's beyond our borders, establish an independence of my family at a very young age, and confirmed for me the importance of thinking big. On the not so positive side, People to People facilitated my first brush with blatant racial discrimination. Being the only chocolate boy in a delegation of fifty White and Asian kids, in a foreign country not accustomed to Black Americans, was a trip for real. It was all good though....i learned very early that challenges face Black kids who dare to dream and act big. We have the responsibility to bring our A game because some folks will automatically assume we don't belong. I've carried the lessons from that experience to this day, and I still conduct myself with that in mind.

While it has been great experiencing the good things, going through the not-so-good stuff has been important too. Dealing with the suicide of a close friend made me realize that life is a precious thing and is worth living. Watching my brothers and sister struggle because they made poor life decisions early in age keeps me focused on leading my life with integrity and purpose. Being unemployed for 6 months after I graduated (and quitting the first shitty job after a month) allowed me to see how expendable and unappreciated you will be unless you can make a worthwhile contribution to our society. Lastly, just growing up poor as hell, going to school being gainfully employed and still BROKE, and preparing to subject myself to 4-6 years as a BROKE ASS Ph.D. student has led me to believe that being broke SUCKS, and is NOT FOR ME. :)

3. I've been given the opportunity to do what many haven't.

When I think of #3, I think of my parents. I've said this before, but I TRULY LUCKED OUT with the parents I received. Many in my extended family didn't take to the whole "Raise the hell out of your kids" philosophy my parents did. My parents used all of their resources to ensure that my siblings and I had everything we needed, and just enough of what we wanted.

All of what I'm doing for my family now, in a way, is to show my appreciation for everything they've done for me. My parents have always supported me 100% in all my endeavors, and I didn't understand how rare that is for folks from my background until I hit my college years. Hearing the sob stories of so many people, especially Black men, living in single parent households, dealing with neglectful, abusive, and obsessively controlling parents, etc. etc. etc. And here I am, with parents that were willing to go broke and deny themselves the few luxuries they could afford to indulge my overachiever endeavors and provide support for an education they never had an opportunity to experience.

What kind of person would I be if I didn't do my very best to live up to my potential? Especially after so many people worked their asses just so I could have half a chance? It's my duty to ensure their efforts and hard work are not spent in vain.

4. I want to do big thangs!!!

I'm dead set on making my impact on this world. I've never been one to want to "blend in" and just "survive". ALL HELL NAW! Living is a beautiful thing, and I plan on doing just that. I wish for more than my parents had, so that I may provide my future family (pray for me!) with opportunities I never received. Trust, I ain't raisin' no spoiled brats, but I want to be able to provide my kids and partner with the best.

And let's not forget about me! I wouldn't mind driving a nice car like this one:

I want to travel the world, see all there is to see...be able to put some kid through college with a scholarship...own my own house and maybe a vacation home...see my name on something, whether it be a patent, a building, etc...leave a nice lil' legacy to my future generation. I can't do these things if I plan on being a scrub or half-assin'. I don't want to be a statistic, or a "ohh wow it's a damn shame, he had soo much potential" case. I want to inspire others to do the damn thang, so I must set the example by working my ass off and handling my business. It's that simple.

So yeah, when I start resenting my current position in life, I remind myself why I do what I do. Without fail, I re-gain my focus and draw enough strength to keep it movin.'

What keeps you motivated for success? I'd like to know.

-J

At Capacity, but doing alright

2006-09-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last posted...life has been kicking my ass as of late, and unfortunately I've been forced to neglect my committment to blogging. I hope to be back in the game very soon (hopefully this weekend) with full-on posts and random streams of consciousness. But until then, I'll leave with a laundry list of things going on in my world....

1. Work is going great...for the most part. My personal training clients are all a pleasure to work with and very dedicated, so that makes my job easy. I'm having a lot of fun teaching my activities classes. It amazes me how LAZY folk can be in a PHYSICAL ACTIVITY CLASS, but the energy I receive from them when they ARE engaged almost makes up for it. My graduate assistantship is getting boring as hell, and I doubt if I will continue my contract for another semester. The interns that shadow me are cool as hell (and one is definitely easy on the eyes, lol), however that is not enough to keep me motivated to work at highest ability. I'm sure my prof will be pissed, but at this point all I care about is finishing this damn degree and going on to the next.

2. The UCLA internship is COOL AS A FAN, but I swear, this woman is trying to work me like a stripper on a pole! Everytime I go in, she has a new project or an article to review, or a demonstration to facilitate or somethin! I don't complain too hard though, because this sista works 5 times as hard as I do, does it with grace, and is SERIOUSLY hooking a brotha up both professionally and personally. I still love our chemistry, even though she's loves putting my ass to the test. Just last week, she helped me resolve a conflict I had with family....now how many academic mentors do you know would go there for their students? Hell, I'm not even one of her students! (well, at least not yet).

If anything, she is giving me the real deal on what it's going to be like as a doctoral student and true professional in Public Health. In the back of my head I know that and respect her for being real, but at the same time I feel a bit overwhelmed and 'remedial' at times. I need to stop comparing myself to her and the other Ph.D's...I'm still a scrub to the game and have much to learn. Damn my Type-A tendencies!

Wow, this is turning into a full-blown post, isn't it?!

3. I'm making it official... I'm happily involved with a wonderful young man! If y'all have been reading for a while, you know who it is. He is a fellow blogger, and a damn fine specimen of man :). Our circumstances are a bit complicated with him in Atlanta and me in L.A., but we are making the most of the situation. I never thought my first real, serious relationship would be a long distance thang....it is what it is. I'm very happy he's in my life, so relieved that he feels the same way, and excited to see what the future holds. FINALLY I connect with one of the "good" ones...well at least he's "good" for me.

I ain't gonna lie though, this separation is a bitch to deal with! It would be one thing if we had known each other super long before we became long distanced...we had only known each other very shortly before he left for ATL. One other tough pill to swallow is that I REALLY LIKE HIM, meaning I really enjoy his company and conversation. Not having that to look forward to everyday (or even every other day)is really tough for me. I'm naturally very touchy and tactile, so it means a lot to be able to feel, hear, touch, taste ;), and smell my man. I try to make up for it with frequent phone calls and texts, but I gotta cool it with the peak time calls...my cell phone bill is NO JOKE.

One factor that's really a challenge is the whole EYE CANDY FACTOR. I don't know what, why, or how the hell this is happening, but all of a sudden, now that I'm in a relationship, I start getting attention from dudes. On campus of all places!! Cal State Fullerton has about a 2.6% Black population which is only about 1/5 male (aka. between 100-150 black men out of 35,000 students) so the likelihood that I'd come across "family" is slim to none. Alas, the shit is going down! Guys from my past, a few random men on campus, even one of my damn students have tried to holla! Add to the equation my major being Kinesiology (movement, fitness, and nutrition), my office being next door to the Track & Field and Wrestling main offices, and one of my GA responsibilities involves conducting fitness assessments on all intercollegiate athletes (basically having to touch and pinch on ridiculously developed athletes). You'd think it would be a dream job...but for me, it's HELL.

This is why it's hell. While it's great to be in the midst of all that flesh and muscle and testosterone and homoeroticism, I can only look and not touch. To be honest, I don't even want to touch. I feel like with my man I'm on the verge of a relationship with long term potential, and I have no desire to jeopardize what we have. The trouble comes because being in my environment day in and day out has me thinkin' some pretty X-rated thangs. Me being a sexually expressive person doesn't help matters either. Not having the man of my affections here with me to buffer those thoughts, or even play a part in them :) really sucks. It's like riding on a crowded bus when you have guys in Hondas offering you a ride and you have your own Bentley 2,500 miles away. Sure, you can take a ride here in a Honda and probably get away with it, but you know that nothing will compare to the sheer driving pleasure of your Bentley when you have access to it. Until I can see my Bentley again, I will continue to ride the bus...groan. Hell, at least I can say I have a Bentley. Most guys would be happy with an unreliable Toyota, and I've been blessed with a finely tuned, well-maintained, chocolate brown luxury vehicle with PLENTY of horsepower, LOL.

Ok, I need to stop.

4. I'm sexually frustrated....nuff' said.

5. I love my family, but I feel myself getting sucked into the drama. It's enough having to deal with my father. He's still hurting really bad with Mom's Death, and I worry that he'll not take care of himself right if I don't stay in his face. Now, our family is facing a long-standing pain in our asses...the fate of my grandmother's house. My mother's dying wish was to make every attempt to save and rebuild the "House". She even invested $50,000 of her own credit to make this a reality. Now that she is gone, her equity credit line has been revoked, we have $25,000 in repairs still left in our construction contract, and my mother's siblings are acting triflin as hell when it comes to contributing FINANCIALLY to this cause. Basically all they are concerned with is getting a check written to them for the sale of the house. Now I would tell them both to kick rocks and die, but they own 2/3 of the house...so a brotha and his brothers find themselves between a rock and a hard place. Should we take the debt ourselves (if that's even possible) and finish the work? Should we just say screw it and sell the house as is (and lose about $100,000 for not investing $20,000), or should we just wash our hands of the whole thing and let the bank snatch the mortgage?

Part of me wants to be done with this whole ordeal and just sell the house. Another part of me wants to fulfill my mom's wish, hem up these triflin heifas with my razor (pull it OUT da backpack!) and get the work done. Another part of me, which is growing larger by the minute, wants to run like hell away from all these messy african americans, escape to Atlanta, and hide in my man's bed LOL.

As much as I don't want to deal with it, I must. I'm the "responsible" one, so I must set the tone for my family's actions once again. So much for being the spoiled baby of the family, huh?

5. I really need to learn how to be BRIEF :)

Ok I'm done now. Let me get back to this work before I fall even more behind.

HOLLA!!!!

-J

Overload???

2006-09-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

I've been pacing for over 5 minutes, so I've decided to write to clear my head. I think it's crazy that only several weeks ago, I felt my life was somewhat boring and uneventful...but OHHHH BOY have things changed. At this point, I find myself with more to do in less time. I prayed for God to place big things in my life, and He is defintely delivering. I just hope I can match his pace.

I must have 100 different things flying through my head...reflecting on my first black gay pride experience( 2 thumbs up!), thinking about my mom, being there for dad, handling family business affairs, working on my thesis, teaching my classes, redecorating my room (the effort may kill me, but it's still gonna be FIRE!), handling my OWN finances, applying to PhD programs, staying in good terms with my personal training clients, keeping consistent with my OWN fitness, carving out time for friends and family, figuring out my direction with church (do I stay or do I go?), continuing to develop in spirit regardless of my church affiliation, and finally attempting to build a solid relationship to a beautiful and worthwhile man...some 2,000 miles away. Yeah, a brotha is busy.

The big question is....have I gone too far? I am notorious for over-extending myself so I'm worried. I will never be as bad as the last time, but I feel myself creeping toward that side if any more responsibility comes my way. One thing that establishes order is my schedule. In order to accomplish everything I need and want to, I am bound to a UNFORGIVING schedule. Every important thing that needs to be done, from eating breakfast in the morning to meditating or praying at night, goes into the schedule.

Now if I stick to the schedule, I'll get everything done... If I miss something or deviate from the schedule, I'm SCREWED. I consider it a blessing and a cursed...blessed that I've been given the resourcefulness to make a schedule, and cursed that my schedule sucks up 95% of my time in a day. What a trade off it is.

I can honestly say this is the busiest I've even been. But do I have a reason to complain? In spite of my hefty responsibilities, I am doing very well and much in my life is thriving. My academics couldn't be better, I'm now financially stabilized (i.e. a broke ass college student that now doesn't owe everybody money), I am considered a "highly competitive PhD candidate", my spirit is strong (but tired as HELL!), my friends haven't deserted me for neglect, and I am holding my own with this long distance situation.

NEXT TIME I NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHAT I PRAY FOR!!!! When God brings it, He don't play! I just hope I can stick with it and keep my wits and humor....nobody loves a bitter idiot :)

Sooo yeah, I'll bitch and moan from time to time, but I'm not stupid enough to whine too hard. I asked for it, and I got it! Now I just have to roll with it for as long as I can. *****SIGH*****

I'm out.

Quick lil' update

2006-08-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

The new semester is now in full swing, and I find myself busier than ever. It's been a MINUTE since I last posted, so lemme do a quick one now, then get settled when time permits.

...I GOT MY LAPTOP!!! A Beautiful, shiny, 'sleek' Apple MacBook. I've always been a bit skeptical towards Macs, but now....I LOVE THEM!!!! They are SO easy to use, ready right out of the box, and this lil laptop is one bad MOFO! I can do everything I need to do without hassle, which is exactly what I was lookin for. Of course, I had to make my Apple collection complete with a 30 GB Ipod...I'm crossin' over the digital divide, y'all! WHAT! Thank you Darian, for encouraging me to go Apple. Now....how am I going to formally thank you???? hmm.... :)

...SCHOOL IS GOING TO KICK MY ASS. But I still love it. Classes will be manageable, but my teaching load has increased and my graduate advisor has lost his dayam mind and tried to up my GA hours. I had to break it down to him that I am not 100% right now, which means that I am putting a CLINK CLINK LOCK DOWN on my free time. I'm not letting anyone infringe on my exercise time, lunch hour, or "Darian time". Unless these fools want to take a lunch meeting, pull up a pillow and a blanket for a nap, be my workout partner, or watch me call up or text my man, they can STEP OFF.

It's amazing how folks think you are being mean or standoffish when you demand that your free time remain YOUR FREE TIME. I think I just have my academic folks spoiled...i'm always Mr. Reliable. I guess I should expect folks to trip when you go from "sure i can do that!" to "ohh sorry, that's my nap time....SORRY!" LOL, I'm such a mess.

...THE CLOSET IS ALMOST EMPTY!. I came out to my Dad a few weeks ago. He tells me that he's fine with it, but I can tell that it will take him a while to grow comfortable with having a gay son. Especially one that he lives so closely among. My dad is not one to bite his tongue, and some of the questions he's asked me have been a MESS! My favorite: "What if some fine ass woman with a big ol' booty wanted to give you some? You wouldn't want none of that?!" TOO MUCH i tell you.

The next step is to come out to the church. I'm making baby steps, but I know now is the time to really see what the deal is. Pray for me.

...5 MORE DAYS TILL ATLANTA! I am beyond ready! I'm ready! I'M READY! I'm readyreadyreadyreadyreadyreadyready!

********Having a Spongebob moment**********

Ok, i'm cool. This will be my first real pride, black or otherwise. The events on the schedule should be super tight, I LOVE ATLANTA, the 'kids' will be in full effect, this is my first (and only) summer vacation trip, and I will FINALLY get to spend some extended QT with my man. It's all gonna be good! Oh yes, please believe!!

Okay, I gotta get some food and be off. More to come!

Introducing....Myself

2006-08-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

When a deliciously sexy young man asks me to show myself off, 9 times out of 10 I'll oblige :). These pics were taken a little over a year ago. New photos are on the way, but until then, Enjoy!

One of my favorite pictures. That's my Thai Princess, Nan.

This is me with my longtime homie, Ms. Catherine Diaz-Soto
aka. "Crazy ass Cathy". Don't let the grin fool ya!

The thinking man's pose.

We havin' a Bay Area moment. GIT STOOPID! GO DUMB DUMB....

Some of my high school friends and I at Ken's going away party. DU-ROCK!!! 99!!!

Candid shot taken WITHOUT my permission!

Nan and I looking cute. See how I'm just in the picture as a prop? Sigh...i'm so exploited.

The tastiest looking reverse oreo you will ever see, LOL.

Another picture of some of the Du-Rock family. Notice the effects of the
Hurricanes have taken over Nan...messy messy messy :)

Now the Hurricanes have taken us all. The debauchery starts NOW.
I am rockin' such an alchie grin it's ridiculous.

AND FINALLY......

Even Helen's goodies on display couldn't keep me awake for
Chinese food at 2:30 am. Just not right.

More pics to come in the near future. One of these days I want to hire a professional photographer and get a portfolio done. I have no aspirations of modeling....i just think it'll be TIGHT. But when that time comes...ooohhheee! it's gonna be HOT!! Until then, the sexy stares will be shot elsewhere and the clothes will stay on. No goodie shots ova here!

Random Stream of Consciousness

2006-08-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

A collection of my current thoughts:

...I'm soo excited about remodeling my room! It's about damn time I do something with it, and considering I'll be living at home longer than expected, a change is in order.

...My friends are the bomb, i swear. Just the mention of this remodel project prompted a random trip to Home Depot to select a paint color (it's gonna be HOT!), buy primer and spackle, and buy a new door for the bathroom. My girl Nan is even gonna hook me up with her furniture guy, who has some NICE stuff. There is no way i can afford his stuff (read: IKEA/garage sale budget), but with that lovely "Thai Discount", it's all good!

...Noah's Arc returns tonight!!!!! U KNOW! This premiere party is gonna be the bomb!

...this new workout plan is kickin' my ass! The physical therapy and weight training is coo, but the cardio is killin me. I can see why Black folks shy away from the pool...it's just not right! Oh how I wish I could just dance it all off like i used to!!! sigh....in due time.

....as much as I love it, Flickr is da DEVIL! I spent waaay too much time scanning and posting pictures last night.

...I go visit Mom's grave with Nan tomorrow. I will probably cry...A lot.

...i gotta think of something nice to do for the funeral home...they have been GREAT throughout all this.

...I unintentionally outed myself...AGAIN! This sunday at church is going to be VERY interesting...at least I'll know if Ritz and Rachel have big mouths or not.

...I think my dad wants to have "The Talk" again. I think he's ready for me to bring it up.

....My mentor just handed this to me. Please support this organization by checking out their website, and possibly making a donation. Be sure to watch the trailer.
www.standntruth.org

...Man, I'm blessed to be working with this woman. I love that we have so much in common, and that she is an open book. I feel I can ask her anything; professional, academic, or personal, and she'd give me a straight up answer. A hell of a mentor, I tell ya!

...As much as I love reading, reading journal articles and research proposals SUCKS!!! These people need to speak and write in simple talk, please! I did learn a few cool words though... don't the word "salient"(pronounced say-lee-ent) just sound hot?

...I need a good head rub, amongst other things :) Some people melt over foot massages, toe sucking, or receiving hickeys. I loves me a good head rub.

...I caught an episode of Bravo channel's new show, "Workout". I liked it! A couple of those trainers are a hot mess tho. Most of them know their ish though...i will say that.

...I miss kissing too. I hope I don't suck when I get an opportunity to kiss someone...i'm out of practice.

...3 more weeks till Atlanta! The anticipation builds! I hope Ted can square away that free room, cuz my pockets are still blazin from that plane ticket.

...Should I join this Singles Ministry at church? Will they want me to join after they know I date men? Why is who i date such a big damn deal to some folks?

...I need to bring back my nightly prayer and scripture reading sessions. I can square away 20 minutes at the end of my day for the Lord...that's not too much to ask.

...I love to party, but promoting events is BOO HISS. Why did I agree to be the "Social Chair" amongst my internship and institute cohorts?

...but my efforts have paid off! Saturday night, it's going down MTPCCR style!!

...and what the hell kind of word is 'cohort'? Sounds like a linguistics person was smokin' that stuff and decided to make up his own word for the hell of it. Cohort....psssh.

...My brother apologized for being rude about the phone bill. I'm glad he did cuz I was about to get really Scorpio on his azz.

...I talked to my brother Darren for like an hour as I drove to work. I'm happy for his success in Arizona, but I wish he was here in CA.

...I've completed my schedule for the Fall semester. GAG. My graduate advisor about halfway lost his damn mind when I cut my GA hours in half. I was gonna quit altogether, but that would'nt be fair to him or the participants. Why I gotta be so damn nice all the time?! Oh well.

...I need to find that African vendor from LA pride who had those nice bedroom pieces....i'm tryin to have my room lookin TIGHT!

...If financial aid gets my money wrong this time, my razor is comin' out the backpack. I will cut a bitch over money that's already mine, please believe!

...It's 2:00...my stomach wants food. I'mma go handle that.

-J.

A Great Day!

2006-08-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

(Me acting a fool on a good day several years ago)

I had a great day on Monday. I wasn't expecting any fireworks, dramatics or anything....but I got some!

The goodness started at work. After nearly losing my life to the Mercedescized, crackheaded drivers of Westwood, I arrived at UCLA to begin a day of final planning for the project I'm currently working on. Before I could start work, I had to go to a follow-up appointment with an eye doctor. The doctor recommended I start wearing corrective lenses for one eye, but other than that my tests came back normal. Whew.

I arrived in the office a few hours later, to find my supervisor waiting for me. My internship supervisor is also my future doctorate mentor, so she and I are mad cool with each other. We had a progress meeting, and she gave me MAD PROPS on my work!! WOOHHOOO! I'm confident in my abilities, but it's always nice to receive confirmation of your skills from an external source. The exercise program I've been working on is being well received by everybody she has introduced it to, and we have received requests ALREADY for copies of the program.

Not only did she give my progress a thumbs up, she informed me that we would be receiving a Minority Supplement salary that would allow me to continue working on the project during the school year AND get paid nicely for it. I swear my giddy ass skipped a few times on the way to lunch.

After a nice, trainer-friendly meal of Thai food, I went back to work to finish the day. I ran into one of the PhD students I'll be working with, and she gave me some great advice about the application process. I'm so relieved that students in this program are collaborative in demeanor and not vicious or ultra-competitive.

Work went by quickly, and I couldn't have been happier. I was being productive, in good spirits, and ready to get my workout on. After work, I went straight to the gym on campus. Before stepping in, I made a call to a "friend" of mine to solidify our plans for the night.

I've known of this gentleman for a handful of weeks. I unknowingly crossed paths with him very recently, and decided to get a little bold and ask him out. He said yes, and I once again was giddy as a schoolboy :) Dude was looking real good in person and on paper, and I looked forward to learning what he was all about.

After a decent workout (gym was too crowded, and the gymroom ettiquette of college-aged men is HORRIBLE....grrrr), I set out to meet my guy. We met on the street in front of his job, and my first thought was hmm...good looking guy. Head up, shoulders back, approached me with confidence, nice smile...so far so good. We headed to a restaurant nearby to get better acquainted.

I believe our time together went very well. At first I could tell we were both a little nervous, but I quickly pushed that aside. I had been wanting to meet this guy for some weeks and now was my chance, so feeling anxious was not an option. As we both settled into each other, the conversation became much easier and more natural. Over the course of our 2 hours, I found him to be intelligent, articulate, passion-driven, spiritually centered, and an overall friendly guy. Physically, I was happy with what I saw. I only wish he didn't hide that smile. It was beautiful gleaming against his chocolate skin. Very nice.

Once I got really comfortable, the flirtations started...I tried to behave, but I have trouble doing that when I'm feeling someone on several levels. He seemed to like it, so it was all good :)

After dinner, we walked around a little bit. I wanted to spend more time with him, but I had to be up SUPER early the next morning. After a pass around the block, we proceeded to the parking lots to retrieve our cars and call it a night. While in his car, I decided to tell him how I really felt about him. I thought, what the hell, why not? We ended the night on a good note, and promised to connect really soon. Needless to say that by the end of the night, I was in a very good place.

I hope I get a chance to know this guy. Over the past year I've been disappointed over and over with the men I've dated. I'd been selling myself short. I consider myself a man of high quality, and I deserve to be connected to other men of high quality. I knew that they were out there, and this guy proves it. With that in mind, I'm very excited about what the future has in store for me.

In terms of the men I choose to associate with romantically, I'm hitting a turning point. This selling oneself short shit is for DA BIRDS, and I'm through with it. If anything, this new guy has shown me that with patience and a little assertiveness, finding a decent guy is very much a possibility. I'll leave the hot messes for the next guy. Once you've driven a Jaguar, it's hard to go back to a Yugo...believe that.

So yeah, a great day on Tuesday! A little bit of drama popped off in the midst of it all, but I'll save that for later. Off to work!

-J

Being the Rock...a blessing and a pain

2006-08-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's funny...I never thought, at 24, I'd be in a position of leadership in my family. Don't get me wrong, I knew the responsibility was coming...but not this soon. I expected a little bit of time, at least my 20's, to be able to spend being self-centered with my time and energy. I guess that's not the plan God had for me. Whomever made the expression about the youngest of the family being the 'baby' and the 'spoiled one' is a DAMN LIE! Hell, spoil me with attention and free me from obligation...I wouldn't mind one bit! But hey, we all have our roles in life, and I guess this is mine...that of the "Rock" of the family.

Before my mom passed, my role was much easier to handle. She was the matriarch, CFO and pretty much the H.N.I.C. My dad was the keeper of the house, protector, and counselor. I was the 'Pacifist'. My job was basically to keep peace and balance in the family...keep my parents from burning out, set a good example for the nieces and nephews, handle disputes and drama between and with the siblings, and serve as the "master brain" when the circumstances required. I liked my 'job' and was good at it. And folks in my family became accustomed to me in that role.

NOW, I find myself having to step up and assume many of the responsibilities Mom held. It's a big job, but somebody has to do it. Hell, I was handpicked by the H.N.I.C. personally so I don't have much of an option :).

I'm not even gonna lie...this shit is TOUGH! I give props to all the 'Rocks', 'Patriarchs', 'Matriarchs', and 'Big Mammas' out there because DAMN, you all are amazing. My father and I met with a financial advisor to get our house in order, and we spend over 2 HOURS just scratching the surface of trying to figure out how my mother handled the money and actually finding all of her assets, liabilities, and expenses of the house. After that meeting, I was like "crap....what am I getting myself into?". I'm not fretting though...our financial advisor is very talented, patient, and willing to teach me how to keep everything under control with efficiency. A true blessing indeed.

Shit gets even tougher when it comes to dealing with family....OOOH LAWD HOW DID I NOT KNOW FOLKS COULD BE SO TRIFLIN AND SHADY!!! I can't BELIEVE some of the craziness and hot mess some of my family brings to the table. I don't see how my mom was able to deal with these fools without turning into an evil spiteful biotch or RUNNING LIKE HELL. She was definitely a bulldog, and now I see why...you would have to be to filter through the straight up BULLSHIT that some people are working on. I could get into examples, but I'm not trying to win any awards with this and I don't feel the need to be even more long winded :).

Another interesting shift in our family's dynamics is occuring. I find myself as less of a 'Pacifist' and more of a 'Regulator'. Folks are NOT taking too kindly to this. So far, I've had to regulate on just about all of my brothers, my sister, three of my cousins, my crazy ass aunt (sweet jeezus help her), my former sister in-law, and even my father for not having their shit together or living up to their promises. I get the feeling they are shocked by my change in demeanor, and a little put off by being 'read' by somebody younger than them. I still communicate with tact, but lately i've been all about the business, my tolerance for bullshit being EXTREMELY LOW. Some folks don't quite understand why I gotta be like that... and they are taking it very personally.

For example...i get a letter in the mail from Cingle-Bar Wireless :). Turns out my brother has a past due balance, and has racked up over 550 minutes in overages, making the bill a grand total of about $650.00. Keep in mind that his cell phone is in my mother's name because his credit is so jacked up. His lack of consideration and discipline has become OUR financial responsibility. I call him up to inform him of the bill. He gets defensive and starts rattling off these excuses as to why he over-called. I listen for a minute, interrupt and say "That's great D, but is that my problem? The problem is that you didn't pay your bill and got sloppy with your minutes. How are we going to fix this?" He suggests that I pay the bill for him cuz' he's 'a lil' short this month'. I responded with a 'HELL TO THE NAW!' and proposed that he allow Cingular to disconnect the phone, get the account changed to his name, pay his own damn bill in whatever way he chooses, and opt for a pre-paid Boost Mobile if he needs a phone. Well...he proceeded to attempt ripping me a new one for "telling him what to do" and "getting in his business". I'm thinking...WTF! If you would have done what you were supposed to (aka. pay your bills and get off the damn phone) I wouldn't have to read your 35-year old grown ass!

I wish my folks understood that in order for me to take on these added responsibilities, my time must be used as efficiently as possible. I'm attempting to juggle school, work, the house, and my own personal affairs all at the same time...I don't have the time or the energy to deal with stupid ish or unneccesary crap. If I come off as a prick, it's because I feel irritated that you arent doing your portion of the work and are forcing me to work harder. I'm sorry if being like that isn't "like me"...but it's the only way I know how to get your attention. Times have changed, all of our roles have shifted, and it is up to ALL OF US to mobilize and keep this family functioning. And don't be so friggin' sensitive when I bring something up! I'm not being a bitch on purpose, so stop making me out to be the asshole.

UGH....responsibility. A blessing, AND a pain in my ass. Pray for my strength and sanity, y'all.
And while you're at it, pray for a brotha to get some lovin' too. I ain't had much of anything in that department in a minute, and a brotha is feeling the withdrawals :) Maybe getting some action and affection would have me chill the f**k out....sigh...only time well tell.

Out.

Love...In and Out of Time

2006-07-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

April 29, 1978

It has been now 19 days since my mother left our world. I can't put into words what I feel right now...hopefully I will be able to articulate it sometime soon, and I will of course share it here. Of all the difficult circumstances in my atmosphere, the hardest to deal with is consoling my father. He and I are the only ones living in our family's house right now, so I spend the most time with him. He has just lost his best friend, wife, and soulmate of 33 years. Obviously, he is beside himself with grief. As much as I try to ease his pain, I know that nothing I do or say can get to the heart of his grief.My dad trying to act like he's in charge :)

Momma lookin' all kinds of fly

He and I have talked a lot about her recently, and I'm learning more and more about their relationship. He floored me the other day when he told me about how his life was a wreck and he was on his way to either jail or the morgue when they first met. My own heart about broke when he told me:

"Son, meeting and marrying your mother saved my life. God blessed me 100 times over by giving me the pleasure of spending the finest years of my life with that woman. So much of my life was her, and now she's gone. I don't know how I will go on...a big part of me died with her."

Family fun at Disneyland

I thought I knew what he was talking about, but I had no idea of the magnitude of his words until I sat down and thought about them. Then, yesterday morning, I was exposed to a movie that connected a lot of those words for me, and I was a crying mess for at least an hour.

Taken right before an anniversary "night out"

I was watching "Madea's Family Reunion", the movie version. While I love Tyler Perry productions for their comedy and affirming messages of blackness, for some reason this movie really hit home for me. Two scenes in particular really made an impact: the reunion scene, and the wedding scenes. When Cicely Tyson got up there and started preaching to her family about the responsibility of honoring and maintaining their heritage, I immediately thought of my mother. In many ways, she adopted that role in our family. Everybody looked to her as the glue that held our often fragmented family together. And then, when Dr. Angelou delivered that amazing poem, I was THROUGH. I thought....oh my god, THAT is what my dad was saying to me. That was the kind of love and adoration they shared. Here's the poem:

In and Out of Time by Maya Angelou

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

A very common scene at my house

My parents did indeed love each other, in and out of time. For 33 years, they worked as a unit.

Although they could put on the gloves and go 12 rounds, I've never seen them mad at each other for longer than a day. I think the longest time they were ever apart was the 4 days my mom left to visit family in Louisiana. When my brothers and I were growing up, we couldn't play one of them off the other to get what we wanted, because they backed each other up (damnit!). Every birthday, Valentine's Day, anniversary, and Mother's/Father's Day was like seeing two teenagers in puppy love (hell, I was conceived on a Valentine's Day, to give you an idea :)). I love how they were open about their relationship. Every aspect of it was honest and real. When they were all lovey dovey, you could see (and sometimes hear) it. When they were fighting, everybody in the damn neighborhood knew it. If one of them was in pain or suffering, they shared about it openly. I've only seen them divided twice, and both times it concerned my half brother Darnell. Even in those situations, they quickly resolved their issues and reinforced their bond.
Mom and Dad with my half-brother Darnell

Even through the bad stuff, they remained united. When my dad lost his father and best friend in the span of 3 weeks, my mom was at his side. When my mom screwed up and ended up getting the household in huge credit debt, my dad didn't drag her through the mud for it...he stuck his finger at her, said a few choice words, and went down to the bank and signed for a 2nd mortgage right along with her, no questions asked. After my mom had her first mastectomy and began questioning her beauty and femininity, my dad was right there to tell her how desirable and beautiful she was. During the second mastectomy, the one she never truly recovered from, my dad was right there, through all the follow ups, nurses visits, and tears my mother shed over losing her breasts. When Dad had his ankle fusion, Mom would damn near beat his ass for trying to walk around on it. Of course, it was out of love :). And then, on March 30th, when we found out the cancer had returned, metastacized, and was terminal, he supported her 24-7. Four separate emergency room visits, over 3 weeks in the hospital, trips to the pharmacy for pain and cancer meds, caring for her every need in between the hospital stays, cooking meals, helping her bathe, bathing her when she wasn't strong enough, making her laugh despite the pain and fear of facing death...my dad did it all. In fact, my parents slept in the same bed from the day they moved in together all the way up to my mother's last 3 days, when she was moved to my brother's vacant room and placed in a hospital bed. I'm telling you, if that ain't love, I don't know what is.

Another night out on the town.

Yeah, my mother and father shared the kind of love that few people get to experience. They were in many ways polar opposites, but together they formed a powerful union. Through love, work, patience, faith, and truth, they provided a wonderful example of how a relationship and marriage should function.

Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time dealing with some of these men out here? I've learned, through example, to love hard. To seek out a person's soul first, see what's there, determine if it's consistent with what's in my heart and mind, and attempt to build (slowly) a substancial relationship. I can't do the whole "let's be fuck buddies first and then see if we have a connection" thing because that's not what I got at home. Don't get it twisted, my parents were by NO means asexual (see my 2nd post); however, they weren't all out sexing it up without being committed and monogamous. Their marriage was anything but superficial, so I have trouble being superficial in my love and sex life.

I hope and pray that I can get the honor of finding someone I can love as much as my parents loved each other. Because, to be honest, I doubt I could settle for anything less.

My Stress reliever, from Rashid's Page.

2006-07-15T04:08:00.000-07:00

It's super late now and I can't sleep...my mother's funeral service is tomorrow and I'm delivering her eulogy. Needless to say I'm on pins and needles from the stress of this week's events, her death, and having to speak publically about such a personal matter. I made a deal with myself...after I finish this, I'll go to bed. I'll definitely be posting about what happened these past 2 weeks, but for now I'll do this real quick and get some zzz's. Here goes...

the Gay Man's Survey
Welcome to the first ever gay male oriented MySpace Quiz!!!

Get ready, get set...answer, copy, paste and repost!!!

**************************************

1. What is the first thing you notice about the same sex?
Overall appearance, how he walks, facial expressions (happy, sad, sexy, disgruntled)

2. Which male celebrity would you want as a love slave?
As a love slave?....let's see...i would say Brian White or Taye Diggs but they'd prolly flip the script back onto me! Djimon Housou would be fun :)

3. Gift card winner at work!...which store do you reach for?
Amazon.com, or any sporting goods store.

4. Admit it, are you a size queen?

Hell no! I'm no fan of "modest" endowments, but I can't do anything with a Magnum XXXXLLL but look at it in shock.

5. What store do you base your fashion sense on?
Whatever looks good. I love Sean John, but Puffy can hurt a brotha's pocket. I'm gravitating more toward natural fabrics and linens, though.

6. If you could improve gay pride, what would you improve?
I'd have the focus be on community development through workshops and fairs, and spend less time and cash hyping up the parties. The parties will always be there, but the chance to congregate a mass of SGL family for a positive cause could be very powerful.

7. Have you marched in a gay pride parade?
Nope, never really been to a parade...in ATL, it's ON!

8. Honestly, how many times do you go to the gym?
Everyday usually. If i'm not working out myself, i'm training clients or running classes.

9. Honestly, how many nights do you go out with the boys?
Usually just once a week, if nothing else gets in the way. I need more social time.

10. How long was your last relationship?
Umm....my high school crush and I were together for about a year, but that's the extent of my relationships. Everything else has fizzled before a "relationship" could develop.

11. What would you do the moment gay marriage is approved by voters?
Smile, say a prayer of thanks, and encourage my partnered gay friends to do the do. I'm not quite there yet.

13. Where would you want to have your gay wedding?
Either amongst family and friends in Pasadena (hometown), or somewhere on the African Coast.

14. Who do you want to be there?
Everybody who supports my marriage and will buy a good gift :)

15. What kind of food/ who would cater your gay wedding ?
Depends on my man. If he's African American, soul food will predominate. If he's multiethnic or (gasp!) a different race, we will have a lil' of his culture in the mix.

16. Who is your diva?
I don't really have one. I like Janet, and Halle Berry...are they divas?

17. Which type of gay man do you avoid?
Unneccessarily bitter gay men are the worse. I also steer clear of the hopelessly DL guys...can't be associated with infidelity.

18. What qualities do you look for in a man?
HUMOR, a positive outlook on life, ambition, definite sex appeal, spiritual grounding, and easy to engage in conversation. Being able to break me off on a dance floor or having a voice are definite bonuses :)

19. What exotic gay locale would you travel to?
gay locale? I guess Rio de Janeiro, but it's not exclusively gay.

20. What song are you tired of hearing?
BEYONCE'S "DE JA VU". err time i hear it i want to say SWITCH!

21. Which club/bar in your gay neighborhood do you wish would just close down because its so tired?
I would shut down half of the sorry ass gay establishments down Santa Monica that treat black men like shit. I have no tolerance for racist queens, they gotta go!

22. Admit it, have you gone thru a vegetarian/vegan phase?
LOL, that is hilarious. My family is from da' South...we eats our meats. I do it lean and mean though.

23. Which restaurant/type of restaurant would you take a date?
Anyplace we can eat with freedom and can talk uninterrupted.

24. How much can you bench?
Stopped checking. It's worthless to know unless your workout goals are increasing brute strength.

25. What one part of the male anatomy always get your attention?
Backs, booty, and calves. If they are nice in all those areas, its guaranteed they will have a nice overall package.

26. Whole Foods or Bristol Farms??
Whole Foods

27. Do you donate clothes you dont use anymore?
Absolutamente. I was once a goodwill kid, so I always give back.

28. What do you think of Paris Hilton's new singing career?
BOO TO DA HISS! Why you gotta get my pressure up with this mess? Please!

29. Did you know Godiva Chocolates contain preservatives?
umm no....i should know though.

30. What would you rather watch, hot boys laying out, hot boys playing volleyball or hot boys washing cars?
Tie between volleyball and cars. I love volleyball, and I think water and 'wet' is soo damn sexy.

31. Do you go return to work late from your 10 minute break?
usually. I don't punch a clock, so I ain't trippin.

32. Where do you want to have your dream house?
My dream house is my grandmother's house, so Pasadena, California. I hope that I can one day have the honor of owning that beautiful home and keeping it in family.

33. Whats your favorite cologne?
Cool Water, but this Acqua Di Gio is starting to grow on me

34. Whats your favorite cologne on him?
I'm versatile. Something fresh and natural, like Escape or vanilla oil.

35. Have you worn red to a gay day at an amusement park?
never been to a gay amusement park day.

36. What are your favorite TV shows?
Noah's Arc, So you think you can dance?, Gray's Anatomy, That's So Raven (i know....)

37. Admit it, which TV DVD collection do you own?
Roots, and i will own Noah's Arc in a few days :)

39. Admit it, did you ever have a sugar daddy?
Naw dawg. I've dated a few older men, but they weren't ballin' out or anything.

40. What is the drink you always order at the club/bar?
Long Island Iced Tea, or an Adios Mutha****a

41. Finish the sentence...when I go to a house party, I avoid....
getting stuck in a corner, especially if the party is hella packed...nothing worse than being wedged in a corner when everybody else is getting their groove on.

42. What embarassing moment are you constantly reminded of?
I wore a helmet the first time I went horseback riding, and I looked quite "special". I didn't care tho, i didn't trust those shifty-eyed horses.

43. What does your last text message say?
"I keep thinking about you....can I come over?" No i'm lying....sigh...

44. Admit it, which fast food restaurant lures you each and every time?

In-N-Out. I try to stay away from everything else.

45. Your date just scored tickets...which singer/performer do you hope they are?
Jill Scott! That woman's presence and talent can make me melt.

46. Admit it, do you lie about your age?
nope, i like being 24.

47. What is your favorite sex position?
none of your dayam bidness sucka!

48. What movie, in theatres right now, would you take a date?
X-Men, but that's not new.

49. What movie, in theatres now, would you NOT take a date?
Little Man....all I can say is BOOOOOOOO!!!!!

50. You're the tour guide...where would you take an out-of-towner who is unfamiliar with your city?
We'd do the Hollywood/West Hollywood/Beverly Hills deal because EVERYBODY wants to see that. Next, we'd go get some good food, check out the Getty Center, and then maybe hit up either Circus, Catch One, or Pearl if we wanna shake it up.

*Redo and Repost as 'the Gay Man's Survey'*

Spreading some Father's Day Love

2006-06-18T08:41:00.001-07:00

Of all the observation holidays (Valentine's, Mothers Day, etc.), Father's Day has always been one of my favorites. At this point in the year, the sun is shining, vacations are abundant, school years are coming to a close, and people are graduating from school and transitioning into their future plans. What a perfect backdrop to officially honor the men in our lives responsible for raising us into the people we are today. Yes, today is Father's Day, a day where I have an excuse to love on my dad and let the world know how much I honor, appreciate, and am indebted to my father.

When it comes to parents, I lucked out. This is especially true when it comes to my Dad. One thing I love about my father is that he made the choice to be a FATHER and not a baby's daddy. You see, before my mother and father met, my Dad led a turbulent life. Drug addiction, alcohol abuse, a failed marriage and custody battle, and a penchant for violent behavior ruled my father's life. When my mother came into the picture and they became comfortable, she gave him an ultimatum...change your ways and commit to me, or take a walk. My Dad dropped ALL of his destructive ways to be with my mom and build a family.

Not only did he take on the task of being a honorable husband, he also filled the shoes of fatherhood for my brother, Darnell. Darnell was born during my mother's first marriage. She was left high and dry by Darnell's father when he found out she was pregnant. Darnell was 5 years old when my mom and dad became an item, and he gave my Dad HELL. This lil' boy was filled with so much hurt and anger from being abandoned that he took all of it out on my Dad. And how did my Dad handle my brother's abuse? Like a man! He refused to take any shit off a little boy and did his best to be a father figure to Darnell. Of course Darnell wasn't having it and acted accordingly, but my Dad didn't care. He made a commitment, and stuck to it. Throughout the years the relationship between Darnell and Dad has been rocky, but recently they have reconciled. Darnell is now married to a woman who had a young son when they met, so he now understands how much hell it is to raise somebody else's kid. Isn't karma a bitch? So yeah, they are on good terms now. Instead of blaming my Dad for his issues, Darnell now thanks him for doing what was damn near impossible...raising a young man mad at the world and looking for a victim. Gangster, i tell you. Pure gangster.

Now when it came to raising us, this man deserves the Medal of Honor. Shortly after giving birth to me (the last child), my mother decided that she was DONE with being a stay at home mom. So, when I was all of 3 months old, my brother Shaun just shy of 1 year old, and my next brother in age (Darren) was 6 years old, my mom went back to work full time and left the child rearing up to Pops. From the crack of dawn until 4pm, my father was Mr. Mom with 2 infants and a kindergartner. He did what most guys his age and generation would have run like hell from....he sucked it up, man-ed up, and raised the hell out of us. We'd be traveling on the bus every day, 2 babies in a double stroller, baby bag, and all. He would cook us breakfast and lunch every day until we started going to school. I remember hitting up parks, going to visit his crazy ass friends in the "Jungle" projects of Los Angeles, and making trips to the beach and other cool places as a youngster with my Dad.

When I was enrolled in a Christian pre-school and was suspected of giving all the other (white) kids head lice, my dad was the one who said "AWW HELL TO THE NAW" and paid his own money to place me in the newly formed Head Start Program at our local elementary school.

When Darren began having problems at school with bullies and Darnell started rollin with the local gang members, my dad spearheaded the decision to get our family the hell out of the Crenshaw District of L.A. and into to a much nicer and safer community.

In many ways, my dad has served a very untraditional role in my life. Although he is very much a man's man and a provider, he has always been a nurturer. Whenever I would fall and bust my head, felt scared, or got into a fight, Dad was the first person I'd call for. If I needed advice or a stiff kick in the ass, my dad was more than willing to give it. Much of the emotional health and maturity I have now is due to my father's example. My father always told us, his sons, to never be afraid to show our emotions. I've seen my dad enraged, upset, sad, depressed, in mourning, happy, afraid, excited, and not once has he ever apologized for any open expression of those feelings. I don't know of many other guys that have seen their dad cry his eyes out and still believe that he is the biggest man in the world. That's how I feel about my Dad.

Although all of my brothers and sister have a solid relationship with my father, my Dad and I share a very strong bond. With him, I can talk freely about anything without fear of reprimand or judging (well, as long as I don't disrespect him...then I'd risk an ass-whoopin :)). He's always been my #1 fan, with mom following behind in a very close second. My dad was never gifted in the academic sense, but he never was intimidated or put off by my academic excellence. In fact, he has supported me 100% in all of my endeavors. All I've had to do was tell him i was serious about doing something, and he was there every step of the way. Sure, he was probably trying to live vicariously through me, but i didn't care. It was (and still is) an honor to know that I am making my father proud.

Oh man, I could go on and on about how much my Dad has reflected my life, but I'll keep it somewhat short. My dad is by no means perfect (and in some ways is a HOT ASS MESS), but I couldn't imagine having a better father. I praise God every chance I get for blessing me with a mother and father dedicated to the success of their children. My father and I still have one big issue to discuss (my sexuality), but I am confident that I will not lose him over it. In many ways, I feel he already knows and is just waiting for me to talk to him about it. In any case, i'm faithful that our relationship will remain intact and I will still honor him as much as I do now.

To my Dad, Mr. Mack Quinn Hopkins, Jr......

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!

I LOVE YOU POPS!!!

-dancehard

I LOVE FREE MONEY!!!!

2006-06-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'm tellin you, i wish I could extend the fortune I've been receiving in my educational pursuits to other parts of my life. This past week, I received notice that I was chosen as a California Pre-Doctoral Scholar, AND I won the California Graduate Student Equity Fellowship Award!! I damn near fainted when both of those bad boys ended up in the mail on the same day. U KNOW!

The Pre-Doctoral Award includes a $5000 fund for pre-doctoral development (paying for conferences, visits to prospective doctorate programs, organizational memberships, technology, etc.), a free GRE prep course (which I will be using the hell out of considering my first crack at the GRE was BOO-HISS!), and "generous" funding for a summer internship of my choice on one of the University of California campuses. How tight is that?

The Student Equity Fellowship is basically a $3000 award that I can apply to my financial aid. So $3000 less dollars I'll owe Uncle Sam's greedy ass :).

So yeah, if I wasn't motivated before to do big things in the future, i'm definitely motivated now! All you undergrad and grad students out there that are reading....KNOW YOUR RESOURCES!!! The only reason I knew about these scholarships is because I dug for information, and made friends with the right people. The money and support is out there, it's just up to YOU to find it and hustle for it! Make good friends in financial aid and the career center. HOUND your academic departments about scholarships notices. And if you happen to be a 'minority student', your ass BETTER be involved in McNair's Scholars, MESA, Upward Bound, and/ or EOP...these programs are fighting to stay ahead of budget cuts to provide YOU with free money and resources. RECOGNIZE PLEASE!

...sorry if i got on my soapbox a lil' bit. I'm just so passionate about people taking advanatage of free resources, be it scholarships, summer research programs, internships, mentoring, tutoring, even job placement. I suffered tremendously throughout my undergraduate years because I either didn't know this free stuff existed, or I got lazy and didn't apply. Life would have been a WHOLE lot easier if I had been up on game and got my hustle on.

In addition to that mess on my part, as a member and officer of National Society of Black Engineers (who's house??????SIX HOUSE!!!), we had to fight for years just to maintain funding for our umbrella organization, Minority Engineering Program (MEP). A program that, on our campus, was responsible for providing direct support and resources to about 87% of the minority engineering, physical science, and biological science students, producing over 50 minority Ph.D. earners, a couple of Fulbright scholars, and one Black Engineer of the Year winner (GO 'HEAD CHADWICK!!!). After several rallies, too many petitions, and a mass stand-in at the Dean of Engineering's office, the university got hella shady and axed the funding for our program director and support staff, effectively killing MEP and leaving our Black and Latino students to fend for themselves on a unwelcoming campus of 33,000 students. Without a program like MEP, the GPA's and performance of minority students dropped so dramatically that the university reestablished funding for MEP in an effort to save face and negative statistics.

So, long story short, use what you have in front you my people. It's absolutely ridiculous to work so hard when you don't have to, and you never know how long a resource may be available to you.

****stepping off my soapbox****

I'll keep posting about my scholarship decisions as they come in the mail. Here's the tally so far.....

Show me the money! (YES): 4
Hell to the naw! (NO): 7
Still awaiting response: 6

I'm gonna toss up a few thank ya Jesus'es because I sure as hell don't want to run up another $17,000 in loans next year. And that's my word.

HOLLA!!!

Things are looking up

2006-06-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

After the drama of Monday, I've been eager for some good news. Well, I got some. Mom is home from the hospital. Usually, she is very weak after a stay in the hell-hole, but this time she seems to have some pep in her step. Her oncologist gave us some comforting news...the cancer cells they have been monitoring have not grown since she was rediagnosed back in March. It seems the chemotherapy is stabilizing the cancer, which is good news. She is still dealing with some nasty side effects from the therapy, along with the fluid buildup, but we'll take any good news we can get. She's gained 5 lbs, and the doctors have lowered her morphine dosage. That says a lot, considering how DRUG-HAPPY Kaiser Permanente has become lately (I'll save my rant on Kaiser for another blog.....it's deep y'all). All the medical stuff aside, i'm just glad to have my momma back home. Although she can work my last nerve at the drop of a hat, I'd rather have her here in her own house than in some impersonal hospital room hooked up to machines. So YAY, mom is back home!

To add to the good news, I think I've stumbled across a cool lil' social group for gay/bi black men and straight allies in LA. It's called "In the Meantime". On Tuesday I attended one of their weekly discussion groups at Catch One, a popular black gay joint here in La La Land. The topic of the night was "The Impact of the Ballroom Scene on the Black Community".

The organizers of this week's discussion flew in an old school member of the New York ballroom scene. I walked away from his colorful account on ballrooms with an sense of appreciation for all the creativity, strength, and love that goes into this ballroom culture. The old school head had his protege up there speaking, and whooeee he was FIRE. He did more than rile up my social consciousness, lemme tell ya :) Anyways, it was very nice to spend an evening meeting other brothas in the life without the shade and bullshit of being in a clubbing environment. I had the pleasure of meeting Herndon Davis, TV Host and author of "Black, Gay, and Christian", along with other upwardly mobile, culturally aware brothers. "In the Meantime" is definitely my scene, and I'll be attending another meeting.

So yeah, things are looking up. Tonight I got to see two of my nephews and my baby niece. I swear, my brother and his estranged wife are both crazy as hell and so not good for each other, but they produced some BEAUTIFUL children. I usually don't get all gushy over children, but my nephs and nieces are so TIGHT! Little Vincent is starting to hit puberty, which is ridiculously amusing...Junior is five and has just learned how to krump dance...such a HAM...and the little one, Miss Jaleya aka. Lay-Lay, just turned 1 yr and is already a DIVA. So funny, the antics of this lil' girl. Ahhhhh, family.

Ok, time for bed and prayers. HOLLA!

-J.

What a mindfuck.

2006-06-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

Today was for lack of a better term...a mindfuck. I spent most of the day at the hospital being strong for my dad and spending quality time with my mom while she is in that medical hellhole. You see, my mother has cancer. First diagnosed as a breast cancer in 1994, it has grown and festered in her body despite two mastectomies and several rounds of chemotherapy. As much as I cry and pray that her doctors will say 'remission' again, I have a feeling in my soul that this is the final round of a 12 year battle.

At this point, it has spread to several vital organs and is being a stubborn little bitch...not responding to any of the therapy they throw at it. After having to take my mother to the emergency room for the 3rd time in a month, she has been readmitted. While preparing to clear the fluid from her lungs (once again), they discovered one of her lungs had collapsed. After a mini-emergency, stability was restored. This all happened while I was on my way to the hospital to visit.

As I walked into her cramped hospital room, the shit hit the fan and the other shoe dropped. After seeing the IV Bags, the morphine drip, and the not one but two drains placed in her back to remove lung fluid, it hit me. My mother, the ridiculously stubborn, California raised but Southern bred, will cut a bitch in a quick minute for messing with one of her babies, sometimes harsh but always loving, survivor of raising 4 hard-headed sons, is going to die. Most likely before the age of fifty-five.

When she opened her eyes and motioned me to her side, I almost didn't want to go. I knew what was coming. My father, mother, and I had been tiptoeing over the topic ever since I got accepted to college.

Mom: Come here son.

Me: I'm here mom.

Mom: You know this isn't looking good for me, right?

Me: Mom, now is not the time to be thinking like that. You've gotta fight.

Mom: I am baby, but I'm getting tired of this shit. I don't know how much more I can take.

Me: What are you saying?

Mom: I'm saying that I'm about ready to go. You know it, and I know it.

Me: Shit.....

Mom: I know me and your daddy are always telling you this, but now it's getting serious. We want you to be the leader in this family. We have known since you were a little boy that you were gonna be the one. I want you to be ready once the time comes...hell, it's already here.

Me:......

Mom: Yeah, yeah, I know...you're the youngest, blah blah blah. But let's keep it real. Of all your brothers and sisters, you have your shit the most together. We trust your judgment. We know that you will conduct matters in our best interest and not get greedy. And we know that you're not afraid to beat the hell out of anyone who tries to act a fool when we're out of the picture, even if it's family.

Me: *chuckling*. Yeah, Ma. You know how I do it.

Mom: You damn right, baby. We already put your name on all the papers and policies, but I want to know if you're ok with this. We've never wanted to force anything on you, but you saw what happened when your Momma Doonie passed. We don't want the same thing happening with our babies.

Me: Yes, I know. And I've been expecting this. I've thought about it, and I've prayed on it. God has told me there's a reason why he's given me the strength to deal with all the crazy ass people in this family...it is my job to keep the family afloat. I'm ok with it. I'll be here.

Mom: Thank you son. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Dad: We are so proud of the man you have become.

Me: Don't get it twisted though....i'm not doing all this crap alone.

Mom: You'd be a damn fool if you did *cackling*. Of course your brothers and Tamy will have to do their parts, but you gotta be the one to stay on them.

Me: Oh joy...this is going to be fun...

Mom: Yeah, really. Ok i'm done talking about this. I'm hungry.

So yeah, that was the first mindfuck. The second one happened when my Dad and I got back home. He pulled me to the side and said:

"I don't want to scare you any more than you already are, but I'm not taking this very well. I can't sleep, i'm hardly eating, and my anxiety pills ain't working. I honestly don't know what's going to happen to me when your mother passes away. That woman means everything to me, and I don't see myself living very well without her here. I'm not going to do something stupid or anything. I'm just saying that I'm gonna be real fucked up when this all happens. I'm really going to need to you be strong for me and help me out, because I'm not going to be worth much."

At this point, I'm in tears. I'm so touched by how much love is there between the two of them, but I'm also really scared. My dad is a very emotional man, and he doesn't take death of loved ones very well. He lost his best friend and his father within 2 months, and he was a mess. I take his words to heart because I know he wouldn't be telling me this unless he knew it was going to be BAD for him. As much as I love my dad for being so open and honest with his emotions, I kinda wish he could control them just a little bit. But hey, that's probably why he had so many damn children...he raised the hell outta us, and now when he is weak we are to pick him up.

And for the icing on the cake...any form of mindfuck would not be complete without a little bit of irony. I got a message from my internship coordinator today, detailing my internship assignment. Half of my internship will focus on worksite fitness promotion, and the other half with be assisting in a Cancer screening, prevention, and awareness intervention for African American women. Ain't that about a bitch??? I tell ya, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Here I am preparing to work on a study that will potentially save the lives of hundreds of Black women, while my own mother is losing a battle to cancer. Messy, I tell you. Just plain messy.

But what can you do? I'll tell you one thing. After having to deal with all the health related problems and drama that have plagued so many people close to me, I am SOOO motivated to work the hell outta of this internship and do all I can to get folks educated and active so they will not have to one day endure the hell that my family and I have gone through. That's what up.

If any of you are reading this, pray for a brotha. Even with all that is going on, my head is still high and my mood is positive. But I know at some point, all of this will get to me and I will have to take a break and be a hot emotional mess for a while. I just hope that somebody will be there to pick me up.

-J.

The Power of the Hustle

2006-05-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

2 more days till freedom! In 2 days, I will have completed my first year of graduate school....WHAT!!! WHAT!!! As much as I like to complain about how much energy is sucked from my body due to school, I gotta admit that I've enjoyed most of it thus far.

Going to school at this level has taught me many lessons, but one always finds it way to the surface....The Art of HUSTLING. No i don't mean THAT kind of hustling :)...i mean the kind where you really put your back into your work and go for yours. Throughout this year, i've had to sacrifice my social and romantic life, but now I see why I did it. I kicked ass in my courses, won 4 scholarships (so far), landed 2 jobs that I LOVE, and set myself up in a public health training program that will provide PAID internship/research experience, PAID travel to conferences, and MONEY and support for my research project and application fees. Now all I gotta do over the summer is work my internship, train a few clients here and there, and KICK IT. Hard work DOES pay off.

I'm telling you, if you have a goal or vision, and are serious about accomplishment, be prepared to get your hands dirty and DO THE DAMN THANG. It all works out in the end.

Summer Wish List

2006-05-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

After a much needed mini-vacation to San Diego, summer is now in full swing! I've been looking forward to this summer since the start of my graduate career. I started brainstorming about what I want to accomplish this summer a few weeks back, and I now have a nice lil' wish listgoing on. I wrote this as if I was talking to myself, so don't get confused....i thought you knew, this blog is all about ME! LOL just kidding you know I love to share. Tell me what you think.

*****LONG POST WARNING***WAIT, u know what? To hell with a long post warning. All my posts are probably going to be lengthy, so get used to it. I'm not a man of few words, and I'm cool with that. So here goes....

Summer 2006: Work Hard, then act a Fool!!

1. Work it (at work)!

- Research internship at UCLA...do the dayam thang. Get as much experience and training as possible. Make Dr. Yancey my #1 public health ally. Network like a mofo.
- Personal Training...work at community center 10 hrs/week, private training on weekends.
- NO MORE THAN 45 hrs/week of work. no exceptions

2. Research Project
- write the tightest literature review ever.
- see as much African dance as possible....must be a pro.
- network! Pick the brains of the dance and dance fitness experts.
- get healthy and healed so I can resume my dance training. start VERY slow, but be consistent

3. Preserve the sexy :)
- Make MY fitness more of a priority (thus practicing what I preach)
- CONTROL THE DIET! Fast food is from here on EVICTED from my belly.
- Pick it back up in the kitchen....it saves $ and ensures nutrition.
- Do not slouch on the physical therapy...it sucks, but it's working.
- Cardio is my friend...shoot for at least 1200-1500 yards in the pool, 4 miles on the treadmill. 30 minutes is the minimum! ugh....
- Decide what you want more...improved conditioning, or bigger muscles? Weight lift accordingly.

4. Revive my social life
- Take a clubbing hiatus. Realize that it is virtually impossible to meet anybody of substance at a nightclub, and expand your horizons.
- Stop being so damn shy! Sometimes u gotta let it all hang out. Hold the Scorpio back though....I don't think the world is ready for that yet :)
- Be assertive! When you see somebody that sparks your interest (or something else :)), don't punk out. Be a man and spit game. You can't read minds or pickup on subtle flirtations, so don't expect others to do so. Flirting is fun and oh so hot, but there comes a point when you must let your intentions be known.
- Have plenty of hot, delicious, pulse-popping sex!! (when the right person comes along). If you don't get some action soon, either 'Scorpio' will emerge or yo' azz is gonna self combust! self combustion is not sexy...at all.

***Side Note***. I've referred to 'Scorpio' several times but i haven't really explained what that all is about. For those reading that haven't figured it out, i was born under the astrological sign Scorpio. Scorpios are thought of as silently intense, brooding, and manipulative beings. We also have a reputation of being extremely sexual in nature. I definitely have a Scorpio side but i keep it under wraps because I don't quite know how to handle all that sexual energy yet. I'm actually a little afraid of it. I'll make a comparison....how many of you have seen X-Men 3? You know how Jean turns into Phoenix when Logan tries to kiss her? That's what 'Scorpio' is like, except he's not violent...just extremely horny. OK back to the wish list... :)

- Get the hell out of L.A. every once in a awhile. San Diego, Santa Barbara, Catalina Island, even the Bay Area...all within traveling distance. Make it happen.

5. Travel plans

San Diego - Memorial day weekend (DONE!)
Davis/Sacramento/Bay Area/Stockton - June 16-19th
Seattle, WA - ????
Back to NY - Late summer????
ATLANTA - LABOR DAY WEEKEND...u know!

6. Find a place to live/people to live with. Figure out how much you can afford, and get to looking! How many roommates? Living away from the crazy ass family....YAY!!! Living in Orange County.....BOOO!!!! Take the good with the bad i guess.

7. Family matters: Prepare to be the rock of the family. Mom is not doing so well, and you know you're next in line, so get ready. Be the strong one, but allow yourself to be weak and hurting as well. Be strong, not hard. Coordinate all the bros and sister...you can't do this shit alone, and you shouldn't have to. Try to spend more time with the little ones (nephews and nieces)....they grow so fast.

8. Random ish: do something with the bedroom. Go to the beach at least 3 more times. kick yourself for buying a bootleg digital camera, then buy all the peripherals that should have came with the camera so you can actually use it this summer. Think about having a professional photoshoot...that would be hot. Figure out something to do for volunteer work. Reconnect with your mentor. Take straight friends to a gay club/bar and watch them squirm muahaha!! Put a heavy dent in the reading list. Pray and read the Word more often. Have another NSBE/UC Davis black folks/random bay area peeps reunion and tear up another club...WHAT IS IT!!!??
Have "the talk" with Mom and Dad...it's about time the know the real deal.

That's all I have...for now. Let the (good) madness begin!

New York and DC: The Finish

2006-05-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm getting a little long winded with this New York story, so I'll finish it off with some highlights. I've got so much current stuff in the mix, I can't spend time dwelling on the past. Here goes.........

Loved it/the hotness:
Central Park was the bomb! So beautiful in the morning. not as many weirdos as I expected.

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre/The Ailey School: I had SO MUCH FUN exploring that place. It felt like home, really. That African Dance class i took kicked my ass; however, it re-lit my dedication to my research and made me stay focused on getting back to dancing.

Djoniba Mouflet African Dance School: I was given so much support for my research project, and the folks there were just mad chill. Can't wait to train for my certification there.

Entertainment in the subway: Man they should have been charging admission (well, they kinda do :)) for all the stuff I got to see/hear at the train stations. Breakdancers, musicians, crackhead comedians (a HOT mess), fanatical religious people...good fun for $2!

Having stores on EVERY corner: Fresh fruit and quality eats pretty much everywhere. A definite plus for my health nut during the week-but eats catfish and BBQ on the weekends ass.

H & M!!!!!!!: I'm not much of a shopper, but I acted a damn foo up in this place. And it was right next to a Foot Locker....I had no control. My only complaint were the tight assed pants with no booty-room. Anybody know of a decently priced, junk-friendly jeans manufacturer?

All the ethnic folks: Puerto Ricans, Haitians, West Africans, East Africans, Dominicans, Brazilians, Italian (like from Italy), Jamaicans, White folks, Asians, Black folks...all together and making it work. It's diverse here in LA, but NY has more of it and people actually interact with one another. I also like how the ethnic folks valued being "ethnic". Holding on to one's culture while succeeding in the dominant society is a beautiful thing.

Clubbing till 4 AM!: I love how at 3 am, the DJ is still doin the damn thang on the turntables.
Parking lot/club exit pimping at 4 am...priceless.

Howard University (in DC): So uplifting and inspiring seeing my upwardly mobile brethren thriving. The eye candy was nice as well....woof.

Seeing my long-lost friends: Chillin with Reg was definitely a highlight, as was getting to see my fraternity bro Jeff and friend Ms. Drea from undergrad. I found out a gang of folks I know live in NY/DC, so my next trip is going to be soo ridiculous!

Hated it!/BOO-HISS:

Crazy ass taxi drivers: I almost died 3 TIMES messin' with transportation via taxicab. I'll take my chances with the subway, thank you!

JFK airport: Why does this damn airport gotta be so damn far away from errythang?? Damn it!

The wave cap as a fashion accessory: I'm talking about non-black hair textured folks donning wave caps, as if wearing one will give them more "thug" credibility. The wave cap is a functional grooming item people...if you don't have any waves developing or cornrows to protect, PLEASE leave the cap at home.

High ass prices: New York City and State must have fallen and bumped their heads if they expect anybody to pay 20 bucks just to park on the street. Boo-to-da-hiss.

The Empire State Building: From the outside, I was mesmerized by the magnitude of this building. On the inside, I got my feelings hurt. I totally felt cheated when i found out you can't go all the way to the top without paying extra. And the telescope thingis were hella broke the day i went. Let's work on that please.

The Village: Okay i know I'm probably going to catch fire and brimstone for bad talking "The Village". But from what I saw, I wasn't too thrilled. Maybe it was hyped up too much for me....maybe things weren't crackin on the night that i visited. Anywho, i'll have to go and chill in the Village on a Saturday to see what it's really all about.

Overall Impression:

I bought one of those corny "I-HEART-NY" shirts and rocked it on my way back home...so I must be fond of NY. There's a lot more to see and do in the city. I hardly touched any of the other borroughs, so I definitely need to spend some time away from Manhattan next time. Until then, I'll enjoy my memories and these ridiculous video clips i recorded. When I get a chance, i'll have to post some of them.

-J.

NEW YORK WAS THE HOTNESS!

2006-04-28T05:42:00.000-07:00

Ok I admit it. I suck as a member of the blogging community up until now....plenty of comments, but no posts. I guess that's my way of living my life through other people, which is utterly ridiculous considering all the ish that's going on in my own life. Having said that, here is my attempt to redeem myself, and this blog. Hmm...I think I'll start with a series of longer blogs to lay down the foundation for what is going on day to day. Sound good? And I know just where to start....

MY TRIP TO NEW YORK!!!

***my apologies now to my 'long post hating' bloggers....I've been studing narrative qualitative research, and the ish has permeated into every aspect of my communication....so deal!***

After a turbulent 6 months of 15-hr work and school days (grad school is a bitch fo real), family drama, and a very "interesting"dating situation (see the previous post), I decided to say F**K CALIFORNIA and took my ass to the East Coast for a week of rest, relaxation, and actin' a donkey fool! I'd like to thank my boy Reg for encouraging me to invest $ on myself and making the trip out there.....it was WELL worth it.

Day 1:
After a hot mess of a week in preparation for the trip, I found my way on JetBlue Airlines headed to the Big Apple. I had a great time eating premium tortilla chips, taking random pics of 'drool rollin down the face' sleeping passengers, and LAUGHING MY ASS OFF at all the TOMFOOLERY that is being allowed to show on MTV. Oh my sweet jeezus there were folks on there that needed to get fired WITHOUT pension or social security. Made the 5 hours very enjoyable though.

Reg picked me up from the airport, which turned out to be a godsend...this was my first trip to NY, and my dumb ass decided to fly into JFK with no sense of how to find my hotel in midtown Manhattan. Anywho, this was the first time Reg and I met face-to-face, after months of wearing out AIM and our cell phones. From first glance, he seemed like a well put together brotha (well, except for those run-over glasses, but we won't go there :)). But when this fool turned around, things got crucial....this boy had more ass than I did! WTF! Now i know it's bad to have unpure thoughts of your friends, but I couldn't help but notice. So i left in tow of my favorite blogger and a deflated ego :).

First stop was to Queens for Reg's capoeira class. He didn't play, but it was still cool seeing him in his element. His fellow capoeiristas were very nice, and a cool lil' vibe was in the air of that studio. I caught my own head bobbin' and hips moving at several points.

After circling Midtown manhattan for almost an hour trying to find parking that didn't cost like 20 DOLLARS, we arrived at my hotel room, or shall i say my "pod". I was staying in one of those budget hotels, and being the broke ass academian that I am, I jumped at the $70/night accommodations. My dorm room in college was bigger than this room, y'all. 4 walls, a twin bed, sink, and a table. That's it. Despite the serious lack of space, i was delighted to find a small flat screen TV and an Ipod compatible radio up in the mix. The space was perfect for me, but taking a look at that bed killed all expectations of entertaining overnight guests...sigh...

The first night was spent at a Latin/Brazilian club, Bemba, in Brooklyn. I was originally going to hit up the legendary Shawn QT's b-day party in Newark, but I soon realized that NY is big as hell and not the best place to be wandering alone at night. I spent the night cuttin' up and dancing alongside Reg and his friends. His folks were mad cool, especially that cute Colombian girl Gina. She gave me a nickname! I will now be known as "Funky Freaky" while at the club. Hey, what can I say? It had been a minute since i last danced, and when a hot beat comes on my hips and facial expressions have minds of their own...and I'm sure the capirinhas and mojitos didn't help my case either :). Y'all New York folks blow L.A. out of the water when it comes to nightlife...i had a GREAT time.

Day 2:

After a much needed night of rest, I woke up super late and hongry as hell. Hit up this nice lil' French restaurant next door to the hotel. I'm seated at the bar next to this middle aged white lady who was RAISIN' HELL on the wait staff. My first though was "why they got to sit me next to this disgruntled ass heifer!?" However, after she explained why she was all heated, we ended up having a good conversation. A 2 HOUR conversation, complete with champagne and cappuccino. I don't know why the hell I engaged in conversation with this random lady, but it was good talk and I learned a lot about the city. And who says New Yorkers are unfriendly?! Whatever, y'all were cool with me!

After the food, I took a ride uptown to Harlem. I was lookin HELLA rough and needed to make friends with a set o' clippers and a straight razor. Found a barber shop, and got my first real experience of black folks in NY. Y'all are a trip, fo real...new york heads talk twice as much shit at the shop compared to L.A. barbers. They had me lookin' right though so it was all good. Something weird happened though. I mentioned to my barber that I needed to find something to do that night (it was Sunday), and he suggested that I hit up this spot called "Bed" down in Tribeca/West Village. I was like "cool, whatever" thinking this place was a kick-back Neo-Soul lounge or something....boy was I wrong....i'll get into this a bit later.

Jumped back on the train down to the Lower East Side to see Reggie play capoeira...got hung up in a 'traffic jam' on the tracks (how the f*** can u have a traffic jam on some train tracks??) and didn't make it in time. When I finally got there, i missed my chance to see Reg in action. When I stepped to him, all i got was a cold stare and "You're Late." Oops. I could tell he was really pissed, but he TRIED to play it off. thanks for not biting my head off bruh!

After briefly hooking up with Reg and a few of his peeps, I went back to my room and got myself so fresh and so clean for my night out. After catching the wrong train and walking 15 blocks, I found myself in front of "Bed". This was NOT some kick-back lounge. From the outside, it looked like the frickin' Rage, or Factory in West Hollywood! This thugged out barber (whom I assumed was straight) directed me to a friggin gay party...on a SUNDAY! Now keep in mind I never mentioned my orientation to this dude....homeboy read me like a New York Times and sent me to the playground! Looks like my "straight-guy" persona is slowly starting to fade away...oh well!

Needless to say, I acted a damn fool at Bed. As I mentioned before, you New York heads are on some different stuff. At most of the clubs in L.A., you have to deal with pretension, excessive shallowness, and creepy old guys. I didn't get that impression at this joint. The upstairs area (where the hip-hop and latin beats were playin) was full of BEAUTIFUL men of all colors and sizes. Dont get me wrong, there was some triflin' negroes in the mix, but for the most part everybody was cool. I loved how the guys that wanted to meet you actually stepped up and spit game instead of just looking at you from across the room. Being assertive is hot! Anyways, I was treated to some bomb music, hot young men, one FIERCE vogue showdown, good drinks and debauchery until 6 in the morn....and I left the club at 3...u do the math :)

Ok, this is getting really long so I'll end it here. I'll finish this off next post.

J.

How'd i end up being somebody's groove?

2006-03-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

*******************WARNING----Long Post coming your way****************

I'm feeling so good today so i'm gonna give it up two times...it's all about the stamina, baby! Ok i better stop. Anywho, I mentioned earlier that I'm talking to a guy right now....what I didn't mention was this guy is older than me...I mean How Stella Got Her Groove Back older. What the f**k did I do to attract this guy? See, this is why I get for wearing some tight in the ass church pants out in public.

At least i can imagine i have one more thing in common with Taye Diggs :). People say I'm resemble him...what do you think?

I personally don't think I do, but the thought of it is HELLA FLATTERING :).

Anyways, I met this guy about 3 Sundays ago (hence my using the term 'church pants'...his phrase actually :)). I went to the library to study, only to find out the place was packed and parking was not gonna happen. The guy (who i'll refer to as YoungAtHeart), was leaving his space. He had his boy hop out the car and stand in the space so I wouldn't miss it. After parking and thanking him, he asked me for the digits. Being the nice guy that I am, and truly appreciating the kind gesture, I hooked him up.

We've hung out a few times since then, which led up to this weekend. We were together from friday night till Sunday morning. I thought i'd be ready to kill him by saturday night, but actually I had a great time being with him. He's exposed me to things that I've always wanted to see/do, but never made the time or effort to commit myself to. I love it when people challenge me out of my zone of familiarity and make me do something different.

I can honestly say that I like the guy. He has a career he loves, is established, has goals, has a nice lil house, and can engage me in thought provoking conversation (a BIG turn on for me). He also has this interesting mix of maturity and youthfulness. We went to a disco club where he and his friends TORE IT UP. I had to pull out some paper and a pen, cuz they took my azz to school! On the flip side, we later went to a hip hop private party and he held his own in my element. Hell, he knew some of the hottest guys that were in attendance!

He's even opened my eyes to new initmate experiences. Nothing too serious, but I'll just say that I'm learning how to enjoy receiving as much I enjoy giving pleasure :). Guys my age just don't seem to understand that intimacy is a 2 way street, but he gets it!

With all of the qualities that attract me to YoungAtHeart come a few issues. First is his use of the term "daddy". It makes me cringe whenever he refers to me or himself as 'daddy'. ESPECIALLY when we are being intimate. Every time it is spoken i think "please don't say daddy...you're damn near old enough to be my daddy...eww." Second, just the age disparity in general causes tension for me. He talks a lot of shit about 'kids today' and the disgrace of hip hop artists today. While I feel he makes some valid points, I find myself defending my youth when he starts talkin out the side of his neck. We got a few looks and comments when we were out, and I was rather put off by the attention we were receiving. I could point out a few more things, but i'm trying not to be so damn critical of everything.

So yeah, i'm at a crossroads. I don't know what to do with this situation. I'm only 24 and have been 'out and about' for less than a year. Part of me wants to avoid tying myself down and explore, while another part of me craves the attention and affection of a boyfriend. YoungAtHeart is a nice guy, treats me the way i like to be treated, and is willing to deal with my crazy schedule and limited access to free time. He tells me he is open to taking this slow, but his action indicate he's looking for a guy to settle down with. Am I at a point in my life where I can handle being in a relationship like this? Can I handle my first boyfriend being almost 20 years older than me? Ugh, i don't know....

Nuggets of wisdom/advice are more than welcome:)

Out of the Closet, and into the Fire

2006-03-13T08:18:00.000-08:00

Hey folks!

It's been a hot minute since i last posted, but I'm back!! Yeeaahh booiiii! Right, on to more serious matters.

Life these past few months has been...a rollercoaster. Monday through Friday, my entire existence revolves around my education and off campus job. I'm talking about 15 hour days on a campus, y'all. Alas, that's what needed to keep the pimp hand down in this department, so i gotta handle it! I love it because everything i'm learning and experiencing is on my terms, but dayam! These graduate professors are trying to kill a brotha!

Despite the hot mess of a schedule i endure during the week, I've finally managed to settle into a balance of fun and relaxation on the weekends. I've commited myself to acting a DAMN FOOL on Saturday nights, and that's going well so far. Quite a few scenes of ridiculousness have occurred on these nights....i'll give you the details when time allows.

I've got a lot of ish i gotta get down on this here blog, but I'll start with what's been on my mind and heart recently. Right now, I'm neck deep in the coming out process. The first step was opening up to my close friends and my ex-girlfriend, which was ok. I lost two 'friends' in the process, but our relationships weren't built on shit anyways, so it's all good. Now, i've moved on to family, fraternity, and church...

I've had the talk with my only sister and my 'big' brother. I have 4 bros, but I only have a strong 'big bro-little bro' relationship with one of them. Both of them were a little shocked, but they support me. They are very worried for me though...which i think is soo precious. I can take care of myself, but it feels good knowing if some knuckle head gets crazy, he has not one but 3 crazy negroes ready to cut his ass :)

I'll leave the church for another day...not ready to go there yet. Still praying for strength :).

My parents will know the full extent of my sexuality very soon. I'm currently seeing somebody right now, and me being MIA on the weekends friday-sunday has not gone unnoticed (i currently live at home to avoid poverty as a grad student). I have a policy of being 100% honest with my parents, and i can't stand not telling the full story. As much as I worry about their reaction, I'm certain they have an idea that i'm into men...i've confided in my mother about a guy i 'experimented' with in college, and my dad walked in on me drooling at Jensen Atwood on Noah's Arc a few months back(goddamn that man is on fire).

I'm confident that my parents wont trip too hard when I own up to it, but it's gonna be some different shit when I bring a guy home. It's one thing to hear it, but a totally different thing seeing your youngest son hugged up with a grown ass man. OOH LAWD I hope somebody has a camcorder :) It's just a matter of time before my dad says "Alright son, where the hell have you been these last few weekends??? You been getting some, huh?". When that happens, it will be ON.

Until then, i'll continue to work with passion, and act a damn fool. Peace.

J.