How'd i end up being somebody's groove?

*******************WARNING----Long Post coming your way****************

I'm feeling so good today so i'm gonna give it up two times...it's all about the stamina, baby! Ok i better stop. Anywho, I mentioned earlier that I'm talking to a guy right now....what I didn't mention was this guy is older than me...I mean How Stella Got Her Groove Back older. What the f**k did I do to attract this guy? See, this is why I get for wearing some tight in the ass church pants out in public.

At least i can imagine i have one more thing in common with Taye Diggs :). People say I'm resemble him...what do you think?

I personally don't think I do, but the thought of it is HELLA FLATTERING :).

Anyways, I met this guy about 3 Sundays ago (hence my using the term 'church pants'...his phrase actually :)). I went to the library to study, only to find out the place was packed and parking was not gonna happen. The guy (who i'll refer to as YoungAtHeart), was leaving his space. He had his boy hop out the car and stand in the space so I wouldn't miss it. After parking and thanking him, he asked me for the digits. Being the nice guy that I am, and truly appreciating the kind gesture, I hooked him up.

We've hung out a few times since then, which led up to this weekend. We were together from friday night till Sunday morning. I thought i'd be ready to kill him by saturday night, but actually I had a great time being with him. He's exposed me to things that I've always wanted to see/do, but never made the time or effort to commit myself to. I love it when people challenge me out of my zone of familiarity and make me do something different.

I can honestly say that I like the guy. He has a career he loves, is established, has goals, has a nice lil house, and can engage me in thought provoking conversation (a BIG turn on for me). He also has this interesting mix of maturity and youthfulness. We went to a disco club where he and his friends TORE IT UP. I had to pull out some paper and a pen, cuz they took my azz to school! On the flip side, we later went to a hip hop private party and he held his own in my element. Hell, he knew some of the hottest guys that were in attendance!

He's even opened my eyes to new initmate experiences. Nothing too serious, but I'll just say that I'm learning how to enjoy receiving as much I enjoy giving pleasure :). Guys my age just don't seem to understand that intimacy is a 2 way street, but he gets it!

With all of the qualities that attract me to YoungAtHeart come a few issues. First is his use of the term "daddy". It makes me cringe whenever he refers to me or himself as 'daddy'. ESPECIALLY when we are being intimate. Every time it is spoken i think "please don't say daddy...you're damn near old enough to be my daddy...eww." Second, just the age disparity in general causes tension for me. He talks a lot of shit about 'kids today' and the disgrace of hip hop artists today. While I feel he makes some valid points, I find myself defending my youth when he starts talkin out the side of his neck. We got a few looks and comments when we were out, and I was rather put off by the attention we were receiving. I could point out a few more things, but i'm trying not to be so damn critical of everything.

So yeah, i'm at a crossroads. I don't know what to do with this situation. I'm only 24 and have been 'out and about' for less than a year. Part of me wants to avoid tying myself down and explore, while another part of me craves the attention and affection of a boyfriend. YoungAtHeart is a nice guy, treats me the way i like to be treated, and is willing to deal with my crazy schedule and limited access to free time. He tells me he is open to taking this slow, but his action indicate he's looking for a guy to settle down with. Am I at a point in my life where I can handle being in a relationship like this? Can I handle my first boyfriend being almost 20 years older than me? Ugh, i don't know....

Nuggets of wisdom/advice are more than welcome:)

J.

Out of the Closet, and into the Fire

Hey folks!

It's been a hot minute since i last posted, but I'm back!! Yeeaahh booiiii! Right, on to more serious matters.

Life these past few months has been...a rollercoaster. Monday through Friday, my entire existence revolves around my education and off campus job. I'm talking about 15 hour days on a campus, y'all. Alas, that's what needed to keep the pimp hand down in this department, so i gotta handle it! I love it because everything i'm learning and experiencing is on my terms, but dayam! These graduate professors are trying to kill a brotha!

Despite the hot mess of a schedule i endure during the week, I've finally managed to settle into a balance of fun and relaxation on the weekends. I've commited myself to acting a DAMN FOOL on Saturday nights, and that's going well so far. Quite a few scenes of ridiculousness have occurred on these nights....i'll give you the details when time allows.

I've got a lot of ish i gotta get down on this here blog, but I'll start with what's been on my mind and heart recently. Right now, I'm neck deep in the coming out process. The first step was opening up to my close friends and my ex-girlfriend, which was ok. I lost two 'friends' in the process, but our relationships weren't built on shit anyways, so it's all good. Now, i've moved on to family, fraternity, and church...

I've had the talk with my only sister and my 'big' brother. I have 4 bros, but I only have a strong 'big bro-little bro' relationship with one of them. Both of them were a little shocked, but they support me. They are very worried for me though...which i think is soo precious. I can take care of myself, but it feels good knowing if some knuckle head gets crazy, he has not one but 3 crazy negroes ready to cut his ass :)

I'll leave the church for another day...not ready to go there yet. Still praying for strength :).

My parents will know the full extent of my sexuality very soon. I'm currently seeing somebody right now, and me being MIA on the weekends friday-sunday has not gone unnoticed (i currently live at home to avoid poverty as a grad student). I have a policy of being 100% honest with my parents, and i can't stand not telling the full story. As much as I worry about their reaction, I'm certain they have an idea that i'm into men...i've confided in my mother about a guy i 'experimented' with in college, and my dad walked in on me drooling at Jensen Atwood on Noah's Arc a few months back(goddamn that man is on fire).

I'm confident that my parents wont trip too hard when I own up to it, but it's gonna be some different shit when I bring a guy home. It's one thing to hear it, but a totally different thing seeing your youngest son hugged up with a grown ass man. OOH LAWD I hope somebody has a camcorder :) It's just a matter of time before my dad says "Alright son, where the hell have you been these last few weekends??? You been getting some, huh?". When that happens, it will be ON.

Until then, i'll continue to work with passion, and act a damn fool. Peace.

J.