Sunday, January 08, 2006

Can freakiness be genetically linked?

I'm gonna jump this blog off on a topic that I've been identifying with more and more lately...SEX. After having a rather steamy conversation with my boy Reg about a certain somebody I'm getting to know, i began to think about the complexity of my sexuality. I'm not talking about sexual orientation, however it does play a part in everything. I'm talking about my sexual nature...appetite, compulsions, fantasies, and behaviors. Have any of you really taken a look at how you think, act, and behave sexually? If you haven't and want to take a look, be VERY careful. You could find out that you are one seriously repressed freak, like i did. I truly believe i was born a freak-a-leek, and have been fighting it since puberty. Let me explain.

Let's first examine the circumstances of my conception. I was conceived only 4 weeks after my mom gave birth to my brother closest in age. That means my parents couldn't keep their hands off each other for the mandatory 6 weeks post-delivery. I was conceived on Valentine's Day of 1981 and born on November 11th, making me a boneified Scorpio (and we all know what freaks scorpios can be). Now all that could be dismissed as gets better. My mama was ALSO conceived on a Valentine's Day 30 years earlier, being born on November 14th and making her a Scorpio. That means my grandparents were getting busy in the shack on the day of romance to spawn their youngest child just like my parents did. I was conceived on the day of lovin, born under the freakiest sign in zodiac, to a couple of horny ass parents. Okay, let's move on...

I have been exposed to sex for as long as I can remember. As the youngest of 5 boys and a freaky ass sister, I heard a lot and saw a lot as a lil' one. My parents, god bless em, never sugar coated anything related to sex....they gave it to us raw and uncensored. They even shared (and still do share) about their sexual escapades...eww right? But oh no, that is all normal in my household. At the age of 16, my parents questioned me about my sex life...they were afraid i didn't have one! (which i didn't). I received a box of condoms as a gift on prom night from one of my brothers, with specific instructions to use them all before I got home. And the question on everybody's mind during my first winter vacation from college? "Boy, have you gotten any yet?"

If i had responded to them, I would have said "Hell No!" I had a front row seat, watching the consequences of immature sex unfold before me. I saw too many of my brothers and sisters have kids too soon and give up on dreams. Too many pregnant girls and baby-faced daddies walked the halls of my high school. As much as I was a typical horny teenager, I chose to put the "CLINK CLINK" on myself until I was ready to handle being sexually active with maturity. Besides, I saw what happened when guys got that first piece of flesh...they lost they damn mind! I was determined to keep mine. Oh how naive i was...

So yeah, that was the first reason i gave myself for being a prude. The second one surfaced right before I started college. I found myself starting to pay attention to the boys. I never really thought about guys in a physical sense up until that point. You see, one of my roommates freshmen year was a wrestler. While I had absolutely NO physical attraction to him (he's my brotha from anotha motha) I gotta say I appreciated some of the beautiful men on his team. What really set it off was seeing my first wrestling meet...i fell in love with the sport's athleticism, intensity, and...homoeroticism. I gotta admit, after that first meet, i became a fan of wrestling for reasons other than supporting my roommate :).

I had a similar reaction when I started dancing and doing gymnastics. I found myself captivated by these male athletes and artists, so masculine in their strength and power, but performing with a grace and style sometimes more beautiful than the women. I'm not sure if I could say that I was sexually attracted to men, but i definitely held a physical attraction. DEFINITELY.

Now how did i respond to this? I put myself on an even harder lockdown. I still found women sexually attractive, so I pushed my attraction for men aside and buried myself in denial. Big mistake. I probably would have had an enjoyable love and sex life in college if I hadn't hid from my sexuality. Instead, I got even more sexually repressed because I balked at pursuing the women too. I felt as if I couldn't offer them what they deserved because I knew i had some kind of feelings for men. I locked myself down from all intimate contact. Now you just don't do that when you're young, dumb, and full get the picture :)

Pandora whooped my ass for keeping that box closed for so long. I was in Atlanta when the freak emerged. I allowed myself to explore all aspects of my sexuality. And explore I did! My confusion about being more than physically attracted to men went right through the window. Along with it went any remaining sense of sexual restraint i had. Yes, i was a straight up ho for those 5 days. I was exposed to a new world, surrounded by thousands of beautiful chocolate men and women, and I hadn't had a true taste of anything for close to 23 years. What would u do in that situation?

Since that trip, there has been this ongoing struggle in my body. On one side there's the "i'm an honorable, i wanna get to know you, honor you, be your friend first" nice guy. On the other side there's the "oooh i'm so horny, i ain't had none in weeks, u lookin kind of good, i bet i could turn you out real quick" sexually-charged guy. The nice guy usually wins, unless somebody i think is fine decides to flirt with me. Then, it's on. If we become intimate and I find his errogenous zones and hot spots, it becomes like a game. I'll turn on the heat, and listen to him melt...which drives me even more crazy. But it usually ends there, because now the person has been thoroughly satisfied and I have not given them a chance to return the favor...damnit.

So yeah, that's where I am now. I've come to terms with many things, including my freakiness. I have to act prudish...if I didn't i'd be WAY too hot in the ass. I think what I need is to be in a committed relationship, where I can truly feel comfortable letting myself go and receive the pleasure i so eagerly like to give out. When that person comes along, and we click emotionally, spritually, and physically, i hope he (or she?) has taken their vitamins.

Can anybody relate to this? Holla at cha boy.


Thursday, January 05, 2006

A New Blog, A New Beginning

Please excuse the cheesy title...i couldn't think of anything else to call this thing. First of all, thanks for coming over and chillin at my lil slice of the internet. Like the title says, this blog marks a new chapter in my life...a chapter where I have learned, through many trials, triumphs, and tribulations, that life is too valuable and worthwhile to squnder with fear, insecurity, and inaction. I'm through with living life by the rules and expectations of others. No, that doesn't mean i'm tossing the F***K YOU at any one in particular, it means that I'm gonna do me, whatever and whomever it may be at any given point. For all of you that know me, I'm still going to be that same reliable, caring, sensitive, poised but ETHNIC at tha drop of a hat, guy. However, you will see is a deeper side....the raw, in your face side that scared me for the longest time. I've actually grown some balls and am going to let them hang. So yeah, I hope you all (new friends and old) enjoy a glimpse into my life.

Be warned...many of these posts you will read will be hella random. I have a lot of stuff running through this mind of mine, and putting it down in writing is how I keep everythang moving. Ahh, writing can be so cathartic...wouldn't you agree? Expect to find stuff about romance, sex (I was a virgin for all of 23 years....that's a lot of freak to be repressed for so long!), my CRAZY ASS family (gotta love em), sexuality (this will be a big one folks), friends, school, politics, and whatever else seems fun to write about. Let the journey begin!